Tag: mental health

creativity

Day 9: What’s the hardest thing you can do to make an impact?

Christa Avampato
Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

“Instead of asking what’s the easiest thing you can do to mitigate climate change, ask yourself what’s the hardest thing you can do. That’s where you can have the most impact.” ~ Dr. Ken Lacovara

My friend, mentor, and science hero said this during a recent talk he gave at the Harvard Club. With climate change, or any massive problem, we tend to focus on what’s the path of least resistance. “How can we get ourselves and others engaged in action with minimal effort?’ is the common refrain. But what if we did the hardest thing we can imagine, as Ken suggests? What might happen then?

I’ve been turning this idea over in my mind for weeks since Ken said it. What’s the hardest thing I can do to stop climate change? What’s the hardest thing I can do to build a happy, fulfilling life? What’s the hardest thing I can do to help my foster dogs and honor my soul dog, Phineas? What’s the hardest thing I can do to move forward after 5 years of cancer treatment? What’s the hardest thing I can do to be good at my job, to be a better writer, to be a better entertainment producer, to be a better friend, to make my community and the greater world a better place?

These are questions I’m thinking about a lot right now. The one I have an answer to is how to move forward after these 5 years. I’m moving forward without fear, and full of love and hope and gratitude. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and Ken helped me see it’s how I can do the most good. So on I go…

creativity

Day 10: I’m lucky when things don’t work out

Christa Avampato
Very true sentiment from an unknown source

When we swing for the fences and chase dreams, we get disappointed a lot. It’s the price we pay for going after exactly the life we want rather than just settling for the easiest path or what happens to present itself to us. If we actively shape our lives, no matter the odds, we’re bound to meet rejection now and again. If we’re lucky.

Whenever I’m disappointed that something didn’t work out as I hoped, I say to myself, “I wonder what I was saved from?” Sometimes, I eventually learn the answer.

My cancer made me healthier, mentally and physically. It set my priorities in order. It made me realize what truly matters most. I don’t if any of that would have happened without cancer. So I choose to be grateful for it. I choose to believe that I’ll live longer and better because of cancer, even if it did try to kill me a few times. Life works in mysterious ways.

creativity

Day 11: Minding Our Time

Christa Avampato
Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

This week I was working on a big self-imposed deadline. I’ve been chipping away at a nonfiction book proposal for a publisher’s open call. I’ve thrown a lot of time and heart into this proposal. I was almost to the finish line. I had polished one of the sample chapter and had two more to go.

And I just didn’t want to finish it. Not like this for this publisher. I was frustrated and stressed. So I stopped. That’s when a valuable question rose to the surface: What am I really trying to do with this deadline?

I was going to spend my entire long weekend exhausted to churn out something that wouldn’t be representative of what I wanted to do for a publisher that, while aligned with my ethos and perspective of the world, wouldn’t be able to offer much support for my book. They have a big heart but limited resources and an even more limited track record.

So I stopped. I’m proud of the work I did on it, and I can use that work for other projects. But I let myself cross this off my to-do list without getting it done right now in this way for this purpose. Once I made that choice, I breathed a sigh of relief.

One thing this past 5 years has taught me is that our most precious resource is time. We can’t make more of it. Once it’s spent, it’s gone. I don’t spend time doing anything I don’t want to do. If I can’t do it with my whole heart, then I don’t do it. If I’m in the midst of something and getting no joy from it, I stop. I don’t feel obligated to continue. I stopped pushing through just to prove I could. To live, sure. Out of of some made up obligation? Nah.

The word “should” has left my vocabulary. Good riddance to it.

creativity

Day 12: Drawn back like a bow

Christa Avampato
Photo by Remy Gieling on Unsplash

It can be difficult to get from day to day when we feel like we’re stuck, or even worse, going backward. We are, rightly, obsessed with progress and forward momentum.

But life will sometimes slow us down. Something will stand in our way, seemingly immovable, and so we have to search for a way up, over, and most often, through. Illness and injury are the most palpable examples of what it feels like to be held back, no longer able to do what we once could. Maybe it’s temporary. Maybe it’s permanent. All of it is frustrating at best, and often downright depressing.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve been held back a lot. My health took a lot of time and effort to restore. It still takes a lot of time and effort to maintain. Side effects are a daily struggle, and I’m only half way through the decade of meds I need to take. This is the hand I’ve been dealt.

When I see myself being held back, and even actively pulled backward, I close my eyes and remind myself I am like a bow and arrow. To fly forward, an arrow must be drawn back. The stronger the force pulling it back, the further it will fly when eventually that force relents. And it will always eventually relent, releasing the arrow.

What keeps me going in moments of regression is knowing that one day I will get past all these obstacles standing in my way. In the meantime, I am getting stronger, more resilient, and learning because of these setbacks. I am an arrow, and my day to fly will arrive.

creativity

Day 18: What Lies Beneath

Christa Avampato
Print by Nicole Barsaleau. Photo by Christa Avampato.

My friend, Alex, sent me this print by Nicole Barsaleau a few years ago. I have it framed in my kitchen and I read it often. It reminds me of something my therapist, Brian, said to me many moons ago: “The prana (the all-knowing energy) cares about you and also cares about the system.” In other words, as we get better, we make everything around us better, too.

When I first got sick, I was angry and confused. How could this happen to ME? I try to do everything right. I follow all the rules and best practices. I take care of myself. How could I get cancer at a young age? Scientifically, I knew I was exposed to toxic fertilizers and industrial pollution in my hometown where I grew up. I understood cancer happens when one of our cells has a mutation that our immune system misses and then it quickly replicates while masquerading as a normal cell. Cancer is a sneaky little f*cker.

“This cancer came to hone you,” Brian said in one of our sessions as I was preparing for surgery and the long treatment road. “There will be a kind of death. And also a rebirth.”

To which I responded, “The Universe couldn’t hone me with something that WASN’T cancer?!”

I didn’t choose cancer but I could choose how to approach it and learn from it. Part of living is to make meaning of the things that happen to us. To do some good with whatever finds us, particularly if we didn’t choose it. What good was I going to do with cancer if I lived to restore my health? That puzzle kept me looking forward and reaching out. It still does. Universe willing, I’ll be learning from cancer and using what I learn to help others for many years to come.

I’ve coached people through their own illnesses, many of them different types of cancer. I’ve participated in clinical trials that yielded new medications and treatments. I’ve referred friends to my doctors. I’ve written articles and done interviews about my experience and they’ve helped thousands of patients and caregivers make a way out of no way. My nearly dying from Taxol changed the way my cancer center evaluates bloodwork to identify a rare but potentially lethal side effect at its earliest stages. I’ve signed off to have my data join with thousands of others in enormous databases for scientists to use today and in the future.

“Use this body for science,” I tell my doctors. They did. They still do. They will continue to.

In an ironic way, cancer made me healthier, happier, more grateful, and less stressed because I learned to make my own health my single biggest priority. Without it, I can’t do anything for anyone.

Do I wish I could have learned that without cancer? Sure. Do I think I would have? Maybe briefly but it wouldn’t have stuck. Now, my body, mind, and spirit force me to maintain it.

I’m better now, and the system’s better, too.

creativity

Day 19: A Bit Better Every Day Adds Up

Christa Avampato
Sunset from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Photo by Christa Avampato.

“If you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done.” ~James Clear, Atomic Habits

I don’t need to shoot up like a rocket in any facet of my life to have the life I want. Instead, I’m consistent. Every day I try to be a bit better, do a bit better. Those small consistent changes are sustainable and measurable. They add up and they matter. This might feel slow. Some days I feel like I’m not making any progress toward something that’s really important to me.

But then I look back a month, a year, two years, five years. I see how far I’ve come. I look at old pictures and I see how sick I looked. I remember how sick I felt all the time. I still feel sick a lot but I’ve learned to not dwell on it. I acknowledge it.

“I see you trying, body,” I say. “Okay, we’ll rest for a moment.”

I take a deep breath. I pull myself up. I remind myself every day how far I’ve come. I keep going. I do things that make me happy. Things that bring me joy.

And tomorrow, I’ll do it all over again, I hope. Universe willing. For many, many days to come. Long may it continue.

creativity

Day 21: Healing in the dirt

Christa Avampato
Photo by Christa Avampato

“Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.” ~John Muir

I grew up in the dirt, literally. There was (and still is) a tractor crossing sign across the street from the house where I grew up. My rural hometown fostered a childhood that involved climbing trees and making mud pies. When I was little, I was convinced that there was a dinosaur skeleton hiding under the ground in my backyard. I enlisted my sister, Weez, to help me dig and dig and dig. All we found was a small mouse skeleton, but I thought it was clearly a prehistoric mouse!

Nature and science have been sources of healing for me on this journey and throughout my life. Other kids wanted to be doctors, firefighters, or teachers. I wanted to be a paleontologist. I still do. Whenever I get to see my dear friend, mentor, and science hero, Dr. Ken Lacovara, I get to soak in all his paleontology wisdom. (More in a separate post later about his beautiful science museum, the Edelman Fossil Park, that I just visited with my wonderful friends, Wayne and Ernie.

My childhood was far from idyllic, but there were some very positive things about growing up in the sticks. I got my hands dirty in the process of making things. I grew up in a farming community. Animals were my friends and companions, as much as people. Maybe even more than people. I learned to appreciate the Earth, her majesty and her power. Weather was a way of life, and I still watch it with fascination and wonder. I also thought long and hard about being a meteorologist, and that dream led me to study environmental sustainability at University of Cambridge.

More people today talk about being eager to get into mud. There’s a trend of younger people returning to the land and regenerative farming. I completely understand that calling. It lives in my bones.

There’s something to be said for the slow life, the life we build rather than the life we buy shrink-wrapped and delivered right to our doorstep. Creation builds confidence and bolsters the imagination. It makes us self-sufficient. I’m all for it, for all of us. There’s a lot of beauty and authenticity down there in the mud.

In late August, I’m taking a trip north to get into the dirt, sand, and water. I just finalized those plans today. Adventure awaits. I can’t wait to take you with me.

creativity

Day 22: Now is the time we’ve been waiting for

Christa Avampato
The tiny shooting star in the lower center of this image is Comet Neowise pictured from the International Space Station as it orbited above the Mediterranean Sea in between Tunisia and Italy. July 5, 2020. NASA’s Johnson Space Center. Original image: images-assets.nasa.gov/image/iss063e040067/iss063e040067~orig.jpg

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Author H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Here’s something I caught myself saying too often for a long time, “I’ll do X when…” as if I was waiting for the perfect time, the perfect circumstances, the perfect me to emerge to do something.

Every once in a while I still find myself in that headspace. Habits are hard to break and they are annoyingly good at re-emerging just when we thought we’d changed them for good. Thankfully I catch myself when this happens now. As soon as this thought crosses my mind, I give myself a talking to.

“Honey,” I say to myself, “Perfection isn’t on its way. Not today. Not ever. Do it. Or don’t. But stop waiting. Just choose.”

Then I laugh and get on with it, or decide not to.

I’ve got a little list of things I’ve been waiting to do. Slowly but surely, I’m getting them done or at least giving them my best shot.

Three fun things I did recently:

1.) I applied to be an independent content creator for NASA. It was quite the administrative web to navigate but I did it and put in my application just before the deadline.

2.) I submitted a vulnerable piece of writing for the Modern Love column in The New York Times.

3.) I put in my application to be a volunteer at the 2028 Olympics.

Will any of this work out? Maybe, maybe not! But you know what? I’ll always be glad I shot my shot!

creativity

Day 23: The secret of life

Christa Avampato
Halftime show at the 2026 FIFA World Cup. https://youtu.be/B7hIiaXBpco?si=Xr-h5q5_U-tsXxnZ

I’ve never cried during a halftime show of a sports event until today. During the FIFA World Cup between Spain and Argentina, the halftime show had a theme of love and the unifying power of music. For each other and for ourselves. Chris Martin of Cold Play and Global Citizen created it. I danced around my living room and sang along, so excited to see the breadth and depth of the performers from across the world: The Muppets including Sesame Street characters and The Electric Mayhem, Shakira with Burna Boy and Ghetto Kids, Staten Island’s PS22 Chorus, Jason Sudeikis in full Ted Lasso mode, conductor Gustavo Dudamel leading the New York Philharmonic and the Simón Bolívar Symphony Orchestra, Madonna, BTS, Justin Bieber, and Emmanuel Kelly. I’ll be watching it on repeat here. An eclectic mashup full of unbridled joy is the boost I needed.

Joy was part of my care plan when I went through cancer. Every day, no matter what happened, I found something that brought me joy. Sometimes it was a song, a show or movie, a friend, a good test result, my dog, something delicious, taking a walk with my sister, sunshine. It didn’t take long after I was diagnosed to realize the secret of life is to love and be loved. It’s that simple and that complex.

Love saved me more than once on that journey – friends who got me to the ER and took care of my dog, care packages, cards, flowers, texts, phone calls, and emails when I needed to know I wasn’t alone in all this, my sister staying with me for many weeks while I recovered from surgeries, friends who got me grocery gift cards that I used when I was finally strong enough to shop for myself again, my business school friends who put together a recorded zoom and daily emails to spell out a secret message – “Stay Strong And Full Of Light.” I’m going to get that as a tattoo.

I’m reminded that in the midst of tragedy and sadness, a beauty emerges that isn’t always as apparent in good times. Maybe that’s because difficulty strips away some kind of inhibition that holds us back too often from saying and showing how we feel. During cancer I had the chance to hear things from people that are often only said during someone’s eulogy. One of the great gifts of cancer and almost dying is that I got to hear those things while very much alive. I’ll always be grateful for that and all the love that surrounded me. When I was down to nothing, love shone brighter than ever. Isn’t that something?

creativity

Day 24: What are we waiting for?

Christa Avampato
Using my new Beautiful by Drew plates today. Just for me.

We’ve all uttered the phrase, “Someday I’ll…” It applies to big dreams and small delights. Earlier this year, I’d planned to make brunch for friends. I’d worked out a lovely feast as cooking and baking are two of my favorite pastimes. I bought new cookware, bakeware, and plates for the occasion (thank you Drew Barrymore!)

The winter being what it was meant we decided to cancel, and sadly never rescheduled. I was sad about this. I never even opened the box of Beautiful by Drew plates. I just put the sealed box in the back of my closet for someday. After all, why should I have new plates just for myself. I’d wait until a special occasion. Every time I saw it, I felt a little pang. Missed opportunity. Missed connection. Missed fun.

Today as I was cleaning and reorganizing, I saw the sealed box. What was I waiting for, exactly? Why not use the new beautiful plates myself? I opened it, took out the new plates, and swapped out my old ones which are chipped and have seen better days. And thoroughly enjoyed them.

Over the past few months, I’ve been redecorating my apartment and rewarding myself with tiny splurges. These new plates, cookware, and bakeware. A few new small appliances in my kitchen. Painting my apartment. A few new pieces of furniture. New art. New books I’m excited to read. A new yoga mat. I’ve even learned to successfully take those spiderettes from spider plants and make whole new plants from them (a massive accomplishment for someone with no green thumb!) These are all small things that have brought me daily joy and they’ve added up to something wonderful – making someday today. We deserve it. We’re worth it.