Tag: mental health

creativity

My back, my base, my safe space

Christa Avampato
Me learning to take care of me

3 weeks ago, I hurt my back volunteering at a dog adoption event. Old shoes. 8 hours standing on concrete in cold weather. Lifting things far too heavy for me to lift alone and lifting them incorrectly. Anti-cancer meds for 5 years that impact my joints, muscles, and bones. A strenuous workout 2 days before. A big grocery shop and carry that evening. It was a recipe for a back emergency, and I’d served it up to myself like a master of disaster.

Healing isn’t linear; it’s a continuum. The last few weeks have been a bumpy road. I went to my oncology appointment on Tuesday. (I go every 3 months to see my team, get bloodwork, and get a shot and infusion.) I was in the waiting room for 30 minutes and wondered why I hadn’t been called for my bloodwork yet. They forgot to tell me I needed to go to a different floor. I was worried all my appointments would now be delayed so I grabbed my bag in a hurry and threw my back into a spasm. I yelped.

Then of course my blood pressure and one of my blood levels that’s a marker for muscle damage was slightly elevated (weeks of back pain will do that.) With great empathy and understanding, my doctor gave me muscle relaxers. She said to come back in a month to recheck that blood level. “I’m not at all worried, Christa,” she said. “But I know you and I know you’ll worry so we’ll recheck for your peace of mind.”

When I got home, I sunk into a warm bath and cried because my back hurt; I hate the side effects of my meds; I miss my dog, so much of life feels unfair and out of my control. Sometimes it all feels like a house of cards; one shakes and the tower falters. So, I let it crash around me, shattering.

I pulled myself together and got out of the tub. A few minutes later the full extent of the spasm really kicked in. The pain surged to a frightening level-10/10– like my body was breaking. I gobbled the muscle relaxer and climbed into bed, praying it would kick in. I tried to empty my mind and count my blessings. Then I just let the thoughts come without trying to direct them. I had survived so many dark nights before. Surely this couldn’t be as bad as the worst of them. I woke up 10 hours later. Stiff but the terrifying knot in my back was gone, replaced with a dull ache.

For the next few days, the pain kept moving around my back. My body was trying to re-center herself. Trying to protect me while also asking my mind for help. I was so afraid I’d never feel better. Now would I always be a person with a bad back?

I called my friend, Alex, which I often do when I don’t know what to do. As always, she talked me down off the ledge. It turns out I don’t have a bad back, I had a battered back. Alex assured me all my fears were normal. Get yourself a friend like Alex. Learning to move in a different and ever-changing body requires effort. With this injury, my mind and body were doing the necessary work. When we got off the phone, my back felt better. The next day it felt even better. I turned the corner thanks to muscle relaxers, heat therapy, massage, a sauna visit, stretching, time, and Alex. Healing isn’t a solo sport; it’s as much about community as it is about medicine.

Our back is the foundation of our health and ability to move, literally and figuratively. When the foundation falters, everything built on top of it shifts. We have to maintain the foundation. Castles in the air don’t rise. They need a stable base, and so do we. Rest, heat, stretch, repeat until the healing’s complete.

My back showed me I’ve been holding myself back on a number of fronts, and I’m done doing that. As my therapist, Brian, has told me many times, our injuries often come to hone us, not harm us. It’s worth the time and energy to do this fundamental work. We are worthy of our own time, attention, and care.  

creativity

How I keep going when things don’t work out

Christa Avampato
Flourless lemon zucchini cake from https://courtneyrecipes.com/

This week was filled with more than its fair share of disappointments: a few people I trusted let me down; the heavy emotional challenge of having a foster pup who not only isn’t happy to see me when I get home but who actively runs away from me because of the tough life he’s had is a painful circumstance for both of us; opportunities that I hoped would work out and didn’t despite my best efforts.

Of course there were bright spots this week, too: NYC’s Secrets & Lies, my storytelling show on the 28th, sold out and I’ve hit upon a great ghost story to tell; I had a great conversation about the show with a podcast host I admire; I was finally able to get supportive meds for my foster pup so both of us could get a full night’s sleep; I read, researched, and wrote about topics that matter to me.

Also, this month is my 5-year cancer-free anniversary so really that far outweighs any disappointment life will ever throw at me. I looked death in the eye and didn’t flinch, multiple times. A few disappointments? I’ll take ’em!

After a long work meeting this afternoon for a new project I’m about to begin, I walked home through Green-Wood Cemetery. The sun on my face and the scent of autumn leaves felt like a gift. It occurred to me that the challenges I’ve had this week are pointing me in the direction I’m meant to go. The universe is closing some doors so that the path for me to take going forward is clear.

Over the past year I’ve felt a bit stuck and unsure of which way to go, and so I’ve waited – hoping some insights would emerge. While I prefer insights with positive outcomes, learning where not to spend my time and effort is also valuable. It just doesn’t feel as good when the revelation arrives. I put a lot of effort into making plans and when those plans don’t work, it can feel discouraging.

Looking back on my life, the best things that happened to me aren’t things I planned. They were opportunities that found me and that I grabbed with both hands because they were even better than what I had planned. Maybe this week has again taught me to be open to possibility, to change, to growth. Maybe there’s some even more wonderful than I could ever imagine just up ahead, around the bend, and what I need to do to find it is to keep going.

In the meantime, I made myself a sunny bake – something I often do when I don’t know what to do. This week my lovely friend, Stephanie, posted a recipe for zucchini lemon cake and I gave it a whirl. Fuel for the sweet journey ahead.

creativity

September 5th was my 16th Alive Day

Christa Avampato

Friday, September 5th, was my Alive Day – many years ago on that day I ran out of a burning building to save my life. I’ve written about that event many times, here, here, and here for example.

It was a wild ride to recover from that and from past traumas that had piled up. It prepared me for everything that came after: becoming a novelist, the pandemic, cancer, and helping my soul dog, Phineas, cross the rainbow bridge when it was his time. Now with all this perspective, what was once one of the worst days of my life became a turning point that changed my life in ways I never imagined were possible. Yes, that fire took almost everything from me. It also gave me everything I needed.

A special thanks always to Brian McCormack who helped me embrace my darkness and my light in equal measure by walking the path to wellness with me every step of the way. I’m forever grateful to be here, to be well, and to be whole.

creativity

How I embrace Finland’s nature-based wisdom in Brooklyn

Christa Avampato
Photo of Lake Summanen, Saarijärvi, Finland by Tapio Haaja on Unsplash

In this moment in time, I’m looking for comfort and advice in nature and books. I recently read The Finnish Way: Finding Courage, Wellness, and Happiness Through the Power of Sisu by journalist Katja Pantzar. A Canadian with Finnish heritage, she moved to Finland for work. What she never expected and found is that embracing the Finnish lifestyle would radically transform her mental and physical health. Curious to see if I could adopt these lessons myself in my Brooklyn life, this is what I’ve tried and how it’s going:

Nature heals

Finns spend time outside in all sorts of weather all year long, even when the days are short and cold. They bike to work. They go out of their way to take the scenic route, spending as much time in nature as they can. They take winter swims (or dunks!) in the frigid sea followed by warm and cozy saunas. Cold water dips have been shown to have health benefits: circulation, reduced inflammation, and enhanced mood, along with a possible boost to the immune system. (However, if you have heart issues, please consult a doctor before trying cold water swimming.)

People in Finland put away their technology and embrace being together with others, often outside and in natural settings. They see nature as a generous neighbor. Yes, it takes effort and time, but the benefits far exceed the work and planning required to experience them.

Once Pantzar took on this view of nature, and practices like cold water swims and warm saunas, she noticed her mental and physical health improve. She felt clear-headed and physically stronger. Her gratitude for nature grew. Her relationships flourished.

My take:

I’m fortunate to live close to Prospect Park in Brooklyn. It’s a sprawling green space of over 500 acres. I’ve been trying to get there more often, even when it’s cold, either before or after work or at lunch time. I’ve also been trying to spend time in nature with others, a walking meet up.

I’m about a 20-minute subway ride from the ocean. However, there’s no sauna close by so I’ve not done the cold plunges in the open water. Instead, at the end of my morning shower, I turn the water to cold and try to bear 10 seconds. Though I can’t say I love the cold water, I have found them helpful. From the first time I tried this, I felt a rush afterwards. Something about doing this makes me smile. I feel alert and ready to take on the day.

I also learned that in NYC, we have a few saunas. Brooklyn Bathhouse and Bathhouse Flatiron to name just two.

The beauty of difficulty

Doing things that are difficult carries a certain level of pride and accomplishment. When we realize we can do hard things, our confidence grows. Whether that’s a cold-water swim, a strenuous hike or bike ride, learning a new skill, or simply getting through a long and difficult winter, there is joy to be found in overcoming obstacles and challenges. We don’t need to shy away from something because we’re afraid of failing, nor because we’re complete beginners trying to find out way. We can embrace that, one step at a time.

My take:

I really love being a beginner. I’m always trying to do new things, with varying degrees of success and learning! Whether it’s learning a new language, cooking and baking, in my writing and paper collage work, a new academic pursuit, or new sports, workouts, and physical challenges, I approach things with curiosity. The older I get, the more comfortable I am saying, “I have no idea how to do this but I’m just going to see how it goes.” I’ve especially loved taking on tasks that I initially think are way too difficult for me to do. I like practice. I like seeing progress and improvement, however small. And when I do make it up that mountain, the views are really spectacular.

Food and exercise

When it comes to diet and exercise, Finns take a sensible approach. They eat more vegetables and fruit than anything else. They bake movement and exercise into their everyday routines. And they make it all fun and engaging. Feeding themselves and exercising is not work; they’re essential to their well-being and a source of joy.

My take:

Having been through cancer, I have seen how what I eat and how I exercise can improve my health outcomes. I got through cancer treatment and continue to get through my current medication side effects largely through diet and exercise rather than taking more medications with even more side effects. My medications impact my muscles, joints, mental health, bone health, and everyday life. They’re not a picnic to manage, but I find when I eat well and move more, I feel better, and the side effects are lessened. Being in good physical shape also helps my medications be as effective as possible. Diet and exercise are within my control, and therefore empowering. Though I’m an omnivore, I’m a plant-based eater and I love cooking and baking. I exercise every day. For my health, I gave up alcohol. I’ve never felt better!

Body-mind communication

One of the many things I admire about the Finns is their growth mindset at every age. They understand the connection between their minds and bodies as part of their culture. Reducing stress is a big part of their motivation of how they live their lives.

My take:

In different chapters of my life, I’ve gone back and forth on whether the body influences the mind more than the mind influences the body. Now I see them as truly equal partners. Sometimes, my mind helps my body level up. Other times, embracing physical challenges helps clear and calm my mind. Their partnership makes me whole.

Though I live over 4,000 miles from Finland, this book helped me bring a bit of the Finnish lifestyle to Brooklyn. I’m excited to keep exploring and to see where this all leads.

creativity

A reminder on where we can go from here

Christa Avampato
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

Here’s a reminder I know I need every day, and maybe it will help you, too — At any age and stage in life, you can:

– Start over
– Start again
– Try something brand new
– Be a beginner
– Learn
– Grow
– Change
– Evolve
– Say goodbye
– Say hello
– Forgive
– Ask for forgiveness
– Pause
– Reflect
– Discover

You are allowed to do all those things, and many at the same time. You are never just one thing or one way. Who you’ve been, what you’ve done, and where you’ve been are prologue to who you will be, what you will do, and where you will go. The past is merely setting the scene and dressing the set for all the choices you will make and the adventures you will have that lie ahead.

creativity

Imposter syndrome is the tool of the patriarchy

Christa Avampato
Created by Christa Avampato with Canva Pro

A friend asked me to edit a book chapter they wrote about the intersection of their personal and career paths. As I read through their beautiful story, I was surprised at how much my friend discounted their own experience, questioning whether they were good enough or had a right to do the wonderful work they do.

This friend is one of the most talented, intelligent, kind, compassionate, hardworking, generous people I know. I’ve learned so much from them over the many years we’ve known each other and it hurt my heart to see how much they questioned themselves. Being modest, recognizing and acknowledging those who’ve helped them along the way, and feeling fortunate are all wonderful virtues that my friend has in abundance. However, there’s a line between those virtues and the massive self-doubt that often holds people back from pursuing their dreams.

“Imposter syndrome” is a term I hear all the time, and I want to be very clear about something: Imposter syndrome is the tool of the patriarchy. (And by patriarchy, I mean anyone who attempts to puff themselves up by pushing down other people.) It’s projected onto people as a form of control. If you question your own abilities, it’s much easier for someone who only cares about their own well-being to zip by you. I want you to take the term “imposter syndrome” out of your vocabulary and out of your mind. I don’t want you to spend one more second of your life giving yourself that condition. Don’t take that on. It’s not yours to carry. 

You are capable, creative, and curious. What you don’t know, you can learn. What you learn, you can apply. The world has so many challenges right now. To get through and make this world better for all beings, we’re all going to have to be at our best, contributing what we have to the collective. And we all have something valuable to offer. 

Don’t discount yourself, and don’t allow anyone to discount you or your experience. Keep rising, and as you rise, extend your hand to lift others. We’re all in this together.

creativity

How to stay focused in this mad, mad world

Christa Avampato
Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash

Please don’t get distracted by claims about Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gulf of Mexico, and all the madness that is sure to arrive in the weeks, months, and years ahead.

Focus on what needs our attention and support right now: climate issues leading to the devastating fires in Los Angeles (which may be the worst they’ve had in over 30 years), the bitter deadly cold sweeping across the U.S., and the increase in bird flu and Norovirus; social media walking back fact-checking and calling it a win for users knowing it will lead to even more rampant misinformation and conspiracy theories; further restrictions on access to healthcare; continued intense geopolitical wars and unrest all over the world; the ever-growing gap in wealth that has serious consequences, especially for the most vulnerable. There are many more I could add to that list; I’m sure you can add to that list, too.

So how can you keep your focus on what matters most and what you can actually do? Don’t get it twisted. Take care of yourself and your community, preserve your mental health and energy, and do what you can do where you are with what you have. Our collective priority needs to be caring about each other and this planet.

creativity

Combating Parkinson’s with rock climbing

Christa Avampato
Photos from https://www.upendingparkinsons.org/

“It’s nice to be good at something again.” 

I haven’t been able to get this sentence out of my mind. It was said by a 37-year-old man who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, a neurological disorder that has begun to impact his gross and fine motor skills. He was featured in a news story about Up ENDing Parkinsons, a nonprofit that’s created a nationwide rock climbing program for people with Parkinson’s disease. 

This man mentioned he can no longer do things that he used to take for granted — typing, for example. To see him scale a rock climbing wall at this gym, you’d never know he was struggling to move. The journalist told him this and he got choked up. 

“This means a lot to you,” said the journalist. 

He nodded his head, cleared his throat, and said, “It’s nice to be good at something again.”

Parkinson’s has robbed this man of so much at such a young age. This program has given him back some joy and a sense of pride in himself. The value of that can’t be overstated. 

This story was a reminder to me that we all want to feel we’re good at something. I hope we can all take the time to recognize and acknowledge when those around us are good at something. It takes only a small amount of time and effort on our part, and yet the impact for the person receiving this acknowledgement is enormous. We never know just how much someone may need to hear that. The world is a difficult place right now, and many people feel broken. Let’s do our best to help people feel whole again, and lift them up whenever we can. Feed the good.

creativity

How I support cancer patients and caregivers at Hope Lodge in NYC

Christa Avampato
Hope Lodge NYC. Photo by Christa Avampato.

On Monday night, I held my first conversation group at the American Cancer Society’s Hope Lodge in New York City. Cancer patients and their caregivers stay there for free while the patients receive treatment in New York. My twice-a-month conversation groups are a safe space where any of the patients and caregivers can come to talk about anything that’s on their minds. I bring homemade baked goods, coloring supplies, and a willingness to listen. On Monday, a lovely group of volunteers from the skincare company La Roche-Posay also provided dinner for everyone so our 1-hour group turned into a 3-hour group.

As a cancer survivor, I’ve been searching for a way to give back and help other people on their healing journey. I love talking with people, hearing their stories, and helping them work through challenges (if help is what they need). I was very lucky to survive cancer and regain my health. This is my way of supporting others as they rise.

creativity

Taking the lighted path one step at a time

Christa Avampato
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

I want to tell you a story about darkness and light. When I was diagnosed with cancer, and when almost died from cancer treatment (twice), it was often difficult to see beyond the darkness. I was standing in the crucible. At one point a lethal, unknown allergy to a chemo drug shattered my lungs and I was suffocating. We were deep in the pandemic in New York City before vaccines. The attending physician wanted to intubate me in the ICU, surrounded by COVID patients. At that time, being intubated was almost certainly a death sentence.

The ICU nurse insisted we try two more types of bedside respirators. “You have 10 minutes,” yelled the attending physician. “If her oxygen number doesn’t go up, I’m taking her to the ICU.” I had 10 minutes to save my life.

The nurse smiled at me. She tried the first machine. We waited. It didn’t work.

The nurse’s smile shrank. We tried the second machine. We waited. I looked at the ceiling. I called my ancestors. They were there. Not to intervene, only to catch me if it was my time to crossover. In that moment, all I wanted was my dog and the people I love. Love was all that mattered. Love was the secret to living, and it took possible death to teach me that.

I looked at the attending’s face. Her eyes grew wider. Her mouth fell open. I looked at the nurse; her smile had returned.

“Holy sh*t,” said the attending. 

My numbers were climbing. The attending left the room.

“I’ll be back to check on you throughout the night and we’ll be monitoring you from the desk just outside the door,” the nurse said as she placed the call button in my hand. “If you need anything, press this button.” 

I nodded. The nurse left the room. My ancestors smiled and walked back over a hill. 

“Not today, Death,” I thought. “Not today.”

When we’re deep in the darkness, we can only see our way forward if we raise our light and take one step at a time. Maybe that’s where you are right now. Things look dark. You can’t find a lamp. It turns out the light isn’t out there; it’s in you and the people around you. We are lights to each other. We can’t see the whole path, and that’s okay. Step by step, we’ll get there, together.

In the days ahead, I want you to hang on to that image of raising our light and being on the path together the way I hang on to what happened to me in 2020 in that hospital room when I was 10 minutes from death. Call your ancestors, friends, therapist, neighbors, religious leaders, and anyone in your community who is a light. We have a lot of challenges ahead to work on together and meeting them is going to take all of us being at our best. Take care of yourself now so we can take are of each other tomorrow. You got this, and I’ve got you. More tomorrow…