The search for my Heart Dog is officially on! This week, I filled out adoption registration forms with several amazing local rescue groups. NYC has so many wonderful rescue organizations! I know one of them is going to have the perfect pup for me to adopt.
Muddy Paws Rescue NYC is of course high on the list because I’ve fostered 10 dogs with them over the last year. Every Last One Rescue, Animal Care Centers of NYC (ACC), and North Shore Animal League America are a few of the others I’m monitoring every day for new additions!
This week I also spent time getting clear on the criteria for my Heart Dog. I’m looking for a doggo who is friendly with people and dogs, enjoys long walks, and loves going on adventures around the city. I’d love to adopt a pup who is a New Yorker already.
I’m very interested in having a dog who would be suitable for therapy dog training—a confident and joyful spirit who’s ready to give and receive love.
Phineas, my Soul Dog, was a dachshund so I’m partial to that breed though that’s not a requirement. Ideally, a dog that fits comfortably in a carrier for easy city travel would be great, but I’m ready to fall in love with a larger dog, too. I hope Phinny will guide me to the dog who’s meant for me.
Send me all your good adoption vibes. I’m ready for the search and I’m excited to share the journey with you!
Today, October 27th, is a special day—it’s the day to honor the spirits of deceased pets as part of the Día de los Muertos tradition. And of course I’m thinking of Phineas, my soul dog, the dog who made me who I am. My constant companion. My forever teacher.
Phinny and I had thirteen and a half beautiful years together and he was there for me through some of the most trying times of my life. He taught me about unconditional love, patience, loyalty, and how to embrace joy, even in the midst of sorrow. His spirit has never left me, not for a second. And he never will. I keep a year-round ofrenda for him in our home where I say good morning and good night to him every day. Today it feels especially important to remember his life and the incredible bond we share that we will have always.
If you’re going through the pain of loss, please know that our beloveds never leave us. Happy Día de los Muertos, Phinny. I’m happy you’re still with me, still guiding me, still loving me, still teaching me. I am the luckiest to be your mama. ❤️
From now until August 12th, I’m raising money for Muddy Paws Rescue, an organization that has allowed me to honor the memory of my soul dog, Phineas, through fostering dogs. I’ve fostered 7 dogs so far – Ace, Chipper, Harold, Sophia, Dorothy, Serena, and Blondie! Every single dollar helps us save more dogs and no donation is too small to honor my Phinny. You can make a donation in his memory at https://give.muddypawsrescue.org/Phineas
Thank you for being part of this life-saving work! Phinny’s spirit guides me every day in every way, and by saving shelter dogs our love story continues. I can’t wait to see who my next foster will be.
Me and my fosters: Ace, Chipper, Harold, Sophia, Dorothy, Serena, and Blondie. And, of course, my Phinny
Phinny’s cherry blossoms in Central Park on May 2, 2025. Photo by me.
Unexpected laptop issues brought me into the office on Friday afternoon. Our wonderful IT department got my laptop fixed and then I popped down to see my friend whom I work for to have a conversation about a number of different topics. It lasted a couple of hours – much longer than I expected! – so it was the end of the work day by the time we finished up.
Though it was a hot and sticky afternoon, I was close to Central Park. The weather has been a bit of a mess on the weekends so my friend, Ashley, and I didn’t get to see Phinny’s cherry blossoms together this year. I decided to venture up to the park’s reservoir to see what was left of them and walk the path that Phinny and I walked so many times over our years together.
As I wound my way through the park from Central Park South to 86th Street, memories lived around every bend. Picnics. Concerts. Softball games. Walks and talks. Museums. Some tears and moments of sadness. That’s the stuff of every life – joy and difficulty.
I passed by my favorite tree in the park, a great hulking beauty perfect for sitting and watching the world go by. The Pinetum that Phinny loved to nose around in. The apartment on 81st street perched high above the American Museum of Natural History that Phineas and I always thought would be the dream apartment for us to live in. The archways that always feel like portals. Inspirations for my Emerson Page books. Central Park holds all of it.
Though the cherry blossoms around the reservoir were a bit past their prime, Phinny’s spirit and I didn’t care. It’s such a beautiful part of the park and we spent so many happy days there. Some blossoms were still blooming. The petals were pooled around the tree trunks – how Phinny loved to scoop up those petals with his prominent snoot, just like my friend, Ashley, showed in the watercolor of him she made for me! On the rare occasion that Phinny and I would sit under those trees – he and I are much more into exploring than sitting – he’d look at me with his big soulful eyes and happy smile. Then after a few moments, he’d try to wander over to someone else’s blanket to invite himself to their picnic and see what they had on offer. What a hound!
My eyes teared up and I laughed thinking of all his antics. I was happy-sad. So grateful for every single one of those memories and so sad that our time together in that way has passed.
That’s the thing about grief: if we’re lucky, it always stings at least a little. We never get over missing someone we love. Thankfully, the world conspires to keep them close to us, memories everywhere and signs in everything.
It was a happy Easter Sunday with friends, food, books, Central Park, and supporting local NYC businesses. I spent it with my friends, Amy and Charlotte, and then took a winding walk through Manhattan in the glorious warm sunshine. It was a day we’d been planning for almost 2 months!
Easter was my favorite holiday as a kid and with Phinny. We’d always go to the Easter Parade on Fifth Avenue, the oldest in the world, started in the 1870s. We loved to see everyone dressed up and happy, and everyone always fawned over Phinny (obviously), and he loved it (obviously.) To keep him close to me while I was out and about, I wore the forget-me-not locket I have with a lock of his fur inside and in my purse, I had the stuffy replica of Phineas that my friend, Liz, had made for me when Phinny passed away.
At long last, I made it to Golden Diner – renowned for its worth-the-wait, best-in-NYC, honey maple butter pancakes finished with lemon zest. We got there at about 9:15am. The line was already around the corner. They opened at 10am and by then the line was all the way down the block. It’s situated in the Two Bridges neighborhood of Manhattan, under the Manhattan Bridge. While that doesn’t sound appealing, and yes, it is loud when a train roars by, the grittiness somehow adds something to their already spectacular food.
Just after 10am, the wait was already an hour to get in, but they put our names down and said they’d send us a text when our table was ready. They did and the food was every bit as good as I’d heard. A little tip from Charlotte and Amy that really works – just get an order of pancakes for the table – and then get one of their other great items. We also got a Caesar salad for the table – it’s vegan and the best I’ve ever had. Amy and I got breakfast burritos. Charlotte got the Chinatown Egg and Cheese. All of it delicious, and reasonably priced. Plus, we got to sit outside in the sunshine.
While waiting for our table, we went around the corner to Dreamers Coffee Shop, a cozy, dog-friendly spot with a pinboard where customers can leave a message on a card for others to see. It was no surprise that Phinny’s spirit showed up at Dreamers – the first card I saw on the pin board while waiting in line for my coffee said “If you have a dachshund, please send me a pic” – with a cell phone number. (I’ve sent over a photo of Phinny, so I’ll let you know when I hear back.) Later that day, we also strolled by a gift shop loaded with dachshund items. He is a very loud ghost.
We wound our way through the Lower East Side to P&T Knitwear, a family-owned and operated indie bookstore with an incredible history worthy of its own post which I’ll write later this week. As Amy wisely says, they’re known for showcasing books that are good, not just what’s hot, which is a rare and wonderful thing in publishing.
We also stopped into Sweet Pickle Books, another indie bookshop which I’d never heard of. And yes, one day a week you really can trade in your used books for a jar of their homemade pickles. The store was bustling with merch, new and used books, and lots of shoppers.
Heading west, we stopped into Goods for the Study, a stationary and writing store owned by McNally Jackson, one of my favorite bookstores. (And Charlotte happened to be wearing their sweatshirt – an unplanned coincidence!) Amy and Charlotte bought me a tiny ceramic kitty that now sits on my desk. We all have one now. So, every time I look at it, I think “Amy’s writing”, “Charlotte’s editing film”, and “okay, I’m writing and editing, too.” Writing and editing are lovely jobs, and they can be lonely so it helps to know that so many others are in their own spaces doing this work, too.
After a walk through the garden district, which really does feel cooler and with cleaner air – thank you, plants! – Amy and Charlotte headed home and I continued on to the American Museum of Natural History and Central Park. Every spring, Phinny, and our friends Ashley and Cricket, would have a bagel and coffee picnic under the blooming cherry blossoms along the Reservoir in Central Park that is near our old upper west side apartment. I was worried we’d missed them with how busy the world is.
I went past the museum, thinking of how many times Phinny and I had wandered around those grounds over the year. The tulips and trees were putting on a show. The Rose Center for Earth and Space has the full name “The Frederick Phineas and Sandra Priest Rose Center for Earth and Space”. This always makes me laugh because it has his name, my mom’s name, Sandra, and my middle name Rose.
As I entered the park, I was flooded with memories of Phinny and friends. All the walks, talks, and afternoons spent together there over many years. I have a hilarious photo of Phinny seated in front of a live jazz trio that was playing there a number of years ago. He seemed to think all the spectators were applauding for him. Of course, yesterday that same exact trio was playing in the park. I can’t help but think he had a hand in that, too.
Then it was on to the cherry blossoms he loved best, the ones along the west side of the reservoir, the ones that are the backdrop of Phinny’s portrait that my friends, Jane, Vince, Ken, Tom, Bobby, Joanne, and Joe had made for me, the ones that my friend, Ashley, used as the setting for the watercolor she made for me of my boy and his happy life over the rainbow bridge, the ones where I always imagine him now in the Great Hereafter.
Walking toward them, I kept saying to Phinny, “I’m so sorry if I missed them, Buddy, and if I broke our tradition.” He kept telling me not to worry. I thought he just didn’t want me to feel sad or that I’d disappointed him.
I teared up when I went around the bend and realized what happened. While a tiny fraction of the flowers on the lower branches had opened, almost all of them were still in the bud stage and hadn’t yet bloomed into that glorious archway. I messaged Ashley immediately and we’re hoping to go next weekend if the weather is okay. We haven’t missed them! Our tradition continues.
Walking back to the subway to go home, I looked across the lawn and down the hill at 86th Street. The scene reminded me of a modern version of the Georges Seurat painting, “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.” There were Easter egg hunts, dogs, picnics, music, and laughter. It felt like collectively New York was taking a deep breath, finally.
I have so many memories of that hill, the daffodils nearby where Phineas loved to put his formidable snoot every spring. His little trot along that path hundreds of times over the years. Meeting all our friends in all kinds of weather. And every day, it’s the setting for the dreams and memories of so many people from all walks of life.
I thought about how life in New York often feels like a dreamy movie with twists and turns and moments of poignancy and memory in-between. The Muppet Movie finale began to play through my mind, “Life’s like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending, we’ve done just what we’ve set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you.” I don’t know yet in this next chapter of my life what ending I’m writing. I do know that I still believe in goodness and light and love. That I’m setting out to do something beautiful and joyful and helpful for my New York neighbors. I know I’m in the right place, and for now, that is enough to know.
The last photo I took of Phinny before I rushed him to the ER 4 hours later.
Dear Phinny, Today marks one year since I held you. One year since I felt the weight of your perfect body in my arms. One year since I kissed your forehead between your sweet honey eyes. And yet, you have never left me. Not really. Your spirit has been with me every day. Your ashes sit on your ofrenda, next to your portrait and photograph, toys, food bowl, sweater, harness, collar, and leash. The last bed you slept in and the last blanket you rested your head on are exactly where they were the last time I saw you peacefully resting in them.
I still talk to you every day. I ask you for help and guidance. I tell you I love you before I go to sleep and when I wake up. You have visited me in my dreams and showed me around your home across the rainbow bridge. The forest, the beach, the mountains. We’ve gone hiking together there. You are happy and healthy and youthful. You are living now, forever, as you did during your best days with me.
And still, what I wouldn’t give for one more day, one more hour. Something I will never get and always want. I know I did the best I could for you, and it never feels like it was enough. I know you don’t feel that way, that you have always continued to love me, even at my most imperfect moments. I’m still trying to forgive myself for making that terrible that decision a year ago.
Though I didn’t think it would be possible, I love you and miss you more today than I did a year ago when we said goodbye. The grief of losing you is even heavier now; you have helped me get stronger so that I am better able to carry it. The joy I have for all the years we spent together is also greater; you have helped me become even more grateful for our bond. You are and always will be my soul dog. I was meant for you, and you were meant for me.
In your honor, I’m fostering dogs who need help and love to heal. I know you’re working your magic behind-the-scenes, and we’re doing this together. I know you will always be looking out for me, just as you always did when you were here in your physical form. And as crazy as it sounds, I know when you’re ready you will find a way to infuse a ray of your bright, shiny spirit into another dog who will find their way to me. I will take one look at that dog and know. I trust the process. I trust you. That will never change. Our love story continues now, and always.
Me and Phinny in the parking lot of the shelter. This was our first of many photos together. Taken by my Mom. I so wish we could take one today.
September 18th will forever be my favorite day of the year. Today is my dog Phinny’s 15th birthday and 14th Gotcha Day. My first without him as he once was. His first over the rainbow bridge. In his honor, I made donations to Animal Care Centers of New York City to help homeless pets in our city and to White Whiskers Senior Dog Sanctuary near Buffalo, New York to help homeless senior dogs with medical issues.
14 years ago today I took a train to a shelter in Harriman, New York to rescue a dachshund that New York Dachshund Rescue told me about. I had been talking to them for a few months about rescuing an adult black and tan male dachshund because I’d heard adult dogs who are black are less likely to get adopted than others. (This is actually not true though at the time it was a persistent online story.) They told me there was a little guy who matched my description in a very underfunded shelter. Even if I wasn’t sure if I was ready to adopt, if I could just go get him they’d help me find him a permanent home. I agreed. They didn’t even have a picture to send me much less any information about him other than his breed, sex, and color. His name was Beasley.
As I walked from the train station to the shelter, I was nervous. Was I ready to have a dog on my own in New York City? I had a demanding job. I’d never had a dog whom I was solely responsible for. I had a small apartment with not-so-pleasant neighbors. There were a million reasons to not get a dog and only one reason to get one — I really wanted a dog.
To calm down, I reminded myself that I had only committed to getting him out of this very underfunded shelter and fostering him. If it didn’t work out, we would find him a good home and I would have helped him on his journey. I walked into the lobby and said to the woman at the desk, “I’m here to get Beasley.” She sighed, and went into the back.
Less than a minute later, a little black and tan wire-haired dachshund wiggled out into the lobby. That was it. Love at first sight. This was my dog. I picked him up and he happily gave me a smooch as if to say, “I’m so glad you found me. Let’s go!”
“You want him?” the woman asked.
“I’ll definitely take him,” I said.
“200 dollars. Cash or check.”
I wrote a check for $200. She handed me an envelope with some health papers and we stepped out into the world together. Me and my dog, Phineas. We never looked back. I miss you every day, bud. Happy birthday. Happy Gotcha Day. Thank you for being my boy all these years.
Get yourself a friend like this: Ashley painted my soul dog, not once but twice, and then on her day off from her intense job went with me to Central Park to commemorate him by taking photos under his favorite cherry trees in full bloom of the paintings she painted and the felt likeness of him given to me by another sweet friend.
The locket I’m wearing has a lock of Phin’s hair in it. Phinny was certainly with us as we saw 5 dachshunds on our visit. His way of saying, “Hi, Mom! Hi, Ashley! I love you.” A pair of them, Otto and Oliver, were just 7 months old. Their dads had lost their 13-year-old dachshund, Arthur, a year before getting Otto and Oliver. “Nothing can bring the joy of your dog back as much as another dog.”
It’s been 3 months since Phinny passed away in my arms. This visit to his favorite part of the park during his favorite time of year with my dear friend did my broken heart so much good. I realize now this grief will never leave me. I’m learning how to carry it while also finding joy every day. We contain multitudes. Phinny is still teaching me. He’s always teaching me. Our love story continues.
This is my first spring in my new neighborhood in Brooklyn and it’s loaded with flowering trees! I went out for a long walks over the last few days, taking in the warmth and light, the scent of flowers, and the explosion of colors. My dog, Phinny, would have loved these days. I loved them for both of us.
Cherry blossoms in historic Green-wood Cemetery, Brooklyn. Photo by Christa Avampato.
It’s hard to believe Phin passed away two months ago. I’ve been looking for a locket for a few months to carry him with me everywhere I go. On Monday, the day of the eclipse!, this one arrived. It has a blue forget-me-not flower pressed into the front. It now holds a lock of Phinny’s fur. All he ever wanted in life was to always be with me. I took him with me whenever I could (and then some!) Spiritually, he’s forever with me. Now, he’s physically with me always, too, and we’re traveling together. Our love story continues.
Me in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, wearing the locket honoring my dog, Phineas.
Today is also the anniversary of the founding of the ASPCA in New York City in 1866. Phinny prompted me to become a monthly donor almost 9 years ago for his birthday. I’m so grateful for their work and honored to support their lifesaving mission for all these years.
My soul dog, Phineas, on a healthy and happy day in Central Park, Manhattan. Photo by Christa Avampato.
It’s also national hug your dog day. I wish I could hug Phineas today, so please hug your dogs for me. They are never with us long enough no matter how long their lives are. Love every day you get with yours. Here are some blooms to brighten your Wednesday.
Cherry blossoms in Brooklyn. Photo by Christa Avampato.
Friends, I have been away from this blog for over two weeks because of grief.
Phineas crossed over in my arms at 3:30am on Sunday, January 28, 2024. I went to dinner on Saturday the 27th and Phin was sound asleep in his new bed when I left. He had a good day, visited with friends Marita and Anthony, ate well, went outside, and was even walking better than he had been. When I got home, Phinny was collapsed on the floor and unable to stand. I ran him to the ER at 11:30pm. The vet felt he may have had a seizure, that his kidney disease had taken a turn for the worse, or his back legs had completely given out as a side effect to the prednisone he’s been taking for his chronic pancreatitis.
He completely fell asleep in my arms at the ER and never stirred again, not even when we placed the euthanasia catheter. I held him for hours. He was telling me it was time. Once the shot was administered, he took 3 big breaths and then was gone. He was at peace, and the last thing he knew on this plane was my heartbeat and me holding him. The cry I let out was the loudest and most guttural I’ve ever made.
This is the last photo I took of Phin just before I left for dinner on what would be the last night of his life. I have a tremendous amount of guilt that I went out that night. If I’d known what would happen, I never would have gone to dinner. The other two are me holding him in the ER shortly before he crossed over.
Phineas, I love you more than life itself and my heart is shattered missing you. I have no idea how I’ll get through this grief and life without you. You’ll always be the greatest love of my life.
Thank you to everyone who has loved and cared for us through all of our 13 1/2 years together. We’re so grateful.
I am feeling my way through. This grief is the worst I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t sleep for 36 hours. I sobbed so much my eyes were purple and swollen. My friend, Ashley, who loved and adored Phinny came over with bagels, chocolate, a prayer candle, tissues, fruit salad, and her dog, Cricket, who was one of Phinny’s best friends.
The day after Phinny passed, Ashley told me the constellation Canis minor (“the smaller dog”) was rising in the sky with Orion and Canis major. It’s no coincidence that it looks like a celestial Phinny. I’m absolutely getting this tattoo in his honor. Canis minor and Canis major are Orion the Hunter’s dogs. In mythology, the gods placed Canis minor at the banks of the river of the Milky Way so the dog would never be thirsty. Fresh water forever for Phin!
Nursing my broken heart, I left my apartment after two days for the first time since Phinny’s passing. I went to dinner with my friend Vicki. I was dreading returning home and Phin not being there to greet me. This gorgeous vase of flowers was waiting for me from Chewy, the pet supply company. I contacted them to thank them for all of the great service they’ve provided to us and to cancel any autoships and reminders that were set up for Phinny’s account. Sarah, the team member I chatted with, was so lovely, kind, and compassionate. I never expected anything like this. Sarah and Chewy made one of the worst days of my life a little brighter.
Sarah and Chewy exemplify heart-centered leadership, and concern for customers. This is how you run a business. I already loved them. Now I’m a customer and fan for life. Other companies could learn a lot from them.
I went to dinner with my friend Tara at Grey Dog, one of my favorite New York City spots. I went into the restroom and there was this dachshund print by Stephen Huneck. When I looked over at it, I swear to you I heard Phin say, “Hi Mom!”
Print at Grey Dog
Tara bought me a set of pens & this lovely notebook with Phineas embossed on it. She got it so I could carry it with me and write down any thought about Phin that pops into my mind.
The little prince is home now. I picked up Phinny’s ashes at Blue Pearl. A triumvirate of strong, compassionate, loving women working at the hospital that night helped me make the impossible choice to release Phineas’s spirit from his riddled physical body and usher him into the next realm. I will never forget their kindness. This was the most humane and loving choice for him, and a pain-filled choice for me.
I made an ofrenda for him in my apartment. He guards the door, as he always did in life, surrounded by a portrait of him painted by Ashley with the prayer candle she brought over the day he passed, his paw prints, tuft of fur, his sweaters, collar, harness, and water bowl that I never washed after he passed, treats and a piece of his kibble, toys he loved, his hair brush with his hair still in it, dried flowers from his Chewy bouquet, and a photo he had taken at his doggie daycare.
Many years from now, when I pass and am completely reunited with Phin, our ashes will be mixed together, and we’ll become a tree. For now, I’ll find him in everything everywhere all at once. His spirit is always next to me. Whenever I want to be close to him, I go to his ofrenda and talk to him. I say good morning and good night to him every day.
Phin has been showing up all over my dreams already! He showed up in a dream of mine less than a week after he passed. He was in the living room, guarding the door, just as he always did in life. He was sitting close to his ofrenda. I think he likes that spot. I said, “Phinny!” and he turned around and looked at me over his shoulder. I was so sad because the dream was so short but my friend Amy explained that short clear dreams are visitations, and that made me feel better.
I had another dream that he sent me two new rescue dachshunds. It was mayhem in my dream with them running all over the place, and it was the happiest I’ve been since his passing.
In that strange state between being asleep and awake, I had a flash of me walking across a pink bridge with a red stripe down the middle that looked like Central Park’s bridges, which we loved going across many times over the years. Snow behind us, spring ahead. I was carrying Phinny and he was asleep the way he was in the ER 2 weeks ago. I got to the other end of the bridge. I gave him a kiss between his sleepy eyes and put him down. He became his young self again and took off running into the green grass. I watched him go and then turned around and walked back over the bridge.
Our friend Cara sent me this lovely postcard and I imagine Phin running free and flying high in a beautiful place like this. She also sent me this valentine because she knew today would be hard for me. Our friend Celia painted this beautiful image for Phin and our friend KaRyn sent us this beautiful card.
Josh donated to NYCACC, Tisa donated to Frosty Faces, and Tunde donated to World Central Kitchen – all in Phinny’s honor. So many of you have sent me messages in so many forms and checked in on me. Please know how grateful I am. You are all helping me tremendously with every single small gesture. Phinny was loved by so many, and having that reminder really helps.
Phin helped me through so much – PTSD, the pandemic, cancer, new jobs, new apartments, breakups, and also celebrated an immeasurable number of joys and dreams with me. The void he’s left in my life seems like it has no end. Rest assured I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other and doing everything possible to find some comfort and peace after this impossible decision. The grief is heavy and will take a long time to process. This is just part of love persevering.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you. I love that we have a holiday that celebrates love in all its wondrous forms – for all the people and animals in our lives present and past, our communities, this beautiful planet we share, the work we do, causes and organizations we care about, and ourselves. I hope today and every day you let love fill you up and fuel your journey forward.
This is a photo of me and my forever valentine – my sweetheart of a dog. It’s from 2016 so he’s about 7 here. Love you & miss you, buddy. It was taken by our dear and talented friend Rachael when we lived in D.C.
It’s been just over two weeks since I held my little guy and it’s felt like 2 years. My great hope is that he’s happy, healthy, and running free. I love you, buddy. I hope your day is filled with all the things you love.
This week, I filled out adoption registration forms with several amazing local rescue groups. NYC has so many wonderful rescue organizations! I know one of them is going to have the perfect pup for me to adopt.
Christa Avampato 