I tell wonder-filled stories about hope and healing
“Some of the sweetest berries grow among the sharpest thorns.” ~Scottish Proverb
The new administration has activated an ugly underbelly in this country. And it’s also activated something else it didn’t bargain for—you, me, and everyone else who cares about fair treatment, justice, and dignity for all people. Let’s not underestimate the power of persistent, unrelenting goodness and what Congressman John Lewis calls “good trouble“. Now that’s a rally cry I can believe in.
As someone who has had both primary and secondary PTSD, I am well-acquainted with the intensity of the fight or flight response. I have been under the thumb of narcissists more times than I care to remember. I understand the impulse to run. Goodness knows I’ve done my fair share of running (like hell, might I add) to seek safety. Last night I had a little (okay, enormous) breakdown. My impulse in that moment was to run, anywhere really, and never look back.
My therapist, Brian, and I worked on this impulse for many years. We still work on it. (Sorry, Brian.) Sometimes running as far and fast and right now is the right thing to do. I’m going to go out on a limb and say most of the time I think running is the best option. (Or at least is has been for me.) And sometimes, every once in a very great while, there is nowhere to run. Brian taught me in these instances that we have to fight, and fight, and fight, and never give up on the ideals we believe in. He was the first to explain to me that my fierce sense of justice is a wonderful thing. And that it’s also an enormous pain in the ass because there will be some things, like narcissism, that I cannot help but stamp out until they are gone so that no one else will ever have to be subjected to them.
I write to you now from the belly of the beast, a meer mile from the Capitol building, less than two miles from the White House. And the belly of the beast is where the battles are fought and where the wars are won. If we are to stamp out injustice in our beautiful country and for all of the people who call it home, then it must be done here at the root. And here I am so it’s time to suit up and soldier on.
The opportunity is here. The time is now. And there are people who are counting on all of us to stand with them in solidarity and support. Failing them would mean failing everyone. Their future is our future. Their rights are everyone’s rights and everyone’s responsibility. Mine. Yours. And theirs. No matter what these four years hold, I’m going to be just fine in every respect because I grew up poor and scrappy and hungry and uncertain. I know how to live on next to nothing because I’ve been doing that for most of my life. It is now my job, and my honor, to stand up for others who are not as fortunate as I am now (I know their pain all too well) and who will be so grossly impacted by what’s ahead.
And I will. I can’t do anything but. If I ran now, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself anyway, anywhere, so best to take a deep breath, have a big glass of water (hydration’s important, people), and do the tough work of making sure that this atrocity never happens again.
To say that I am sad, disillusioned, and disappointed is an understatement. And here is something I won’t be: silent. I will raise my voice louder, clearer, and stronger than ever because now it counts more than ever. I am sick and I am tired of sexism, racism, bigotry, crudeness, narcissism, disrespect, and this fundamental belief that somehow dedication and experience isn’t important when it comes to government. If the new administration and its supporters think that for one second I will quietly live in a world of their design, they are in for a very rude awakening. Most of those states were won by very narrow margins which means that there are an awful lot of people who believe what I believe and the only way I’m going to find them is to call out in as loud, determined, and tenacious a voice as I have.
I believe in democracy. I believe in the people’s right to select its political leaders. I believe in our institutions. What I don’t believe in is change for change sake with no modifiers or qualifiers to tell us exactly what kind of change we’re getting. The markets are tumbling, and my great fear is that the rights of women as well as racial, ethnic, and religious minorities will follow. These 4 years could be the worst in our history, though I can’t in good conscience stand idly by. And I won’t.
Under the anger and disbelief, I am hopeful. Not hopeful about the abilities and intentions of the new administration, but hopeful about ours. I don’t need healing. I’m already healed. This election didn’t break me down. It made me tougher. What’s needed now is action, and I’m going to put my energy into building a better world and a better country that aligns with my vision of fairness, kindness, love, a strong work ethic, opportunity, compassion, and empathy. You with me?
When I walk out my front door, the first thing I see is the Capitol Building. I saw that beautiful, shining building as I went to vote. The first words many people across the country think of when they think of Washington, D.C. are “corruption”, “arrogance”, “ignorance”, and “out-of-touch”. Let me tell you what words come to my mind: “hope”, “opportunity”, growth”, and “change”.
This is the seat of federal government. It’s also the seat of a bustling entrepreneurship center and a vibrant arts community. It’s full of people who care about ideas that shape humanity, service to others, and change they can create through hard work, dedication, and heart. With the election a week away, it’s easy to feel like we’re a nation that can’t come together, that can’t tackle its problems. We’ve been here before and we’ve not only survived, but thrived. Our job now is to make that thriving a greater part of more people’s lives. We are leaving too many people behind – in healthcare, education, and the economy. The good of the many and the good of the one need to be on equal footing.
After traveling to so many countries, I still choose this one. I still believe that this is the best place to build dreams into reality. I’m still committed to doing the very best I can right where I am in D.C. Let’s work hard and work together to make this place a better place for all people.
There are plenty of people who say voting doesn’t matter. Why bother, especially if you live in the city-state of D.C. that “doesn’t count” as I’ve been told by so many people. I’ll tell you why: because we need your voice. And we need my voice. And we need everyone’s voice. It’s amazing that we live in a place where we can select our government’s leaders. (Don’t you wish you could do that at work?!) The decisions that are going to be made here in the next few years – about healthcare, education, social justice issues, energy, and the environment – are going to have an impact on generations to come all over the world.I know you’re tired. I’m tired, too. I get the cynicism. I get the frustration. I get the anger. I feel all of those things in fits and starts, too. Don’t let them deflate you. They’re fuel. If we’re going to build a better world, we’ve got to do it together and we can’t do that sitting on our hands. Use them to get to the polls, cast your ballot, and then keep raising your voice. Keep fighting for things you believe in. Keep volunteering in your community. Keep standing up. Keep demanding to be counted. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep striving. Keep going. You and your vote matter!
I’m used to walking hours a day with Phineas so since he couldn’t take a long walk, I took one for him on Saturday. I walked from my neighborhood across the city to Georgetown. We’re having an amazing weekend in D.C. with highs in the 70s, bright blue skies, and gentle breezes. It’s perfect weather.
Once I got about halfway through my walk, I started to feel a lightness. A funny sense of belonging, of feeling like slowly but surely I’m figuring it all out despite the stumbles and setbacks. I found a city I really love. Now I just have to find the right home. I found an industry I really enjoy working in, that I find fascinating, and that also supports all my creative projects like my writing and collage work. Now it’s just a matter of finding exactly the right fit. In the past two years, I’ve made a lot of big decisions and seen a long of progress. Now, it’s about refining and that realization gave me a lot of peace after a stressful week.
It’s amazing what can happen over time when we focus on making the here and now better.
I was obviously very upset sitting in the waiting room at the animal hospital as the doctors checked Phin’s back early Tuesday morning. I was sad that he was in so much pain, and also grateful that we have such amazing care for him here in D.C. Then, I asked myself “what’s the worst possible thing that could happen?” He would have a back issue that couldn’t be fixed and we’d get wheels for him. And that’s exactly what we’d do so long as he could still have a good quality of life. (Check out this amazing company, Eddie’s Wheels, that has made wheelchairs for dogs for 20 years!) He’d still be my little guy and I’d still be his mom. And that’s really what matters.
(I’m happy to report that he is doing extremely well on rest and meds so I feel very hopeful that he’ll make a full recovery! He just wishes he could get out there for a long walk around the neighborhood. That won’t happen for about 3 weeks. Rest is the most important part of his recovery.)
One of the greatest blessings of being Phineas’s mom is that he makes me remember that every moment counts. There isn’t a single walk, snuggle, or smile that I take for granted with him. Yesterday when I had to take him to the ER for his back again, I was reminded, painfully so, that we have only so much time and that every day is a gift that we are never promised. Each day deserves the best we can give. There isn’t any time to waste. While I wish that realization wasn’t so heavy, maybe it needs to be. Maybe that truth is so significant that we need to feel the weight of it to really understand it.
For the next few days I’ll be home for most of the time monitoring Phineas to make sure his medication and rest is working. I’ll be writing, doing yoga, and meditating on just how lucky I am to care for a being that has taught me the most important lesson of life with absolute certainty—that we must do as much good as we can wherever we are with whatever we’ve got, and be grateful for the opportunity to do so.
“You’ve got to learn your instrument. Then, you practice, practice, practice. And then, when you finally get up there on the bandstand, forget all that and just wail.” ~Charlie Parker
There are a lot of life lessons to be learned from music and musicians, and this is one of the greatest. In music and life, we practice not to get that practiced material perfect but to develop the muscle to do whatever we need to do when the time comes. Practice teaches us to leap and land on our feet, to think and act in harmony, and to roll with whatever is thrown at us. Practice gives us confidence, experience, and grace. Practice doesn’t make us perfect; it makes us perfectly prepared to handle anything.
I’m sitting in meditation a little longer these days, getting more sleep, and consciously making more time to relax and be. I force myself to do it. I wish relaxing came more naturally to me. I wish I didn’t judge my days by how many items I crossed off my to-do list. That’s how I’m built and it’s served me well. But here’s what also serves me well – focus. And that’s what meditation, rest, and relaxation instills in us. There are two ways to manifest the life we want—make it happen and draw the goodness toward us. I recommend a healthy dose of both.
Christa Avampato 