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Step 268: 10 Lessons from Dogs on How to Be a Better Human

Christa Avampato

I’ve had Phineas for one week today and every day he’s teaching me something new. I just finished Cesar Milan’s book, Cesar’s Way, and have been using his advice as I train Phinny. It’s working like a charm and it’s helped me get to know Phineas as a dog, something I’ve not done with previous pets. I treated our other dogs like furry little people. I projected my human-ness onto them rather than learning from and loving their doginess.

Here are the 10 biggest lessons I’ve learned from Phineas and Cesar to-date:

1.) There is no greater joy than this moment.

2.) Dwelling on the past, good, bad, or indifferent, prevents us from celebrating all the beauty we have in our midst right now.

3.) Structure and discipline are powerful tools for healthy living.

4.) Exercise is the best remedy for pent up energy, and pent up energy must be released regardless of its source.

5.) Relationships with our pack are the most important possessions we have.

6.) Getting the life we want has much more to do with vision and determination than it does with circumstances.

7.) Calm-assertive energy is the best aura to have in any situation.

8.) A stable leader is the only leader worth following.

9.) Exploration of the world around us is one of the most worthy activities we can do.

10.) We all take in the world in a different way; empathy is about appreciating those differences and learning from them.

What lessons have your pets taught you about the best way to live your life?

change, family, work

Step 267: Thanks for the Wings

Christa Avampato

My mom and pop are on their way to Florida today, setting off for a new chapter filled with sunshine and only the things they love. The days of working for someone else’s goals are a memory for them. They’ve more than earned this new place in the sun.

I would be lying if I didn’t confess that there’s a bit of heartache in this decision for me. My parents are getting older, heading into the autumn of their lives and all that aging brings with it. They’ll be a 2.5 hour plane ride away now rather than a 1.5 hour train ride. Wit their move, I am reminded again that life is changing. Always changing, and fleeting.

At my mom’s retirement dinner this week, a large room full of friends gathered together to send her off in style and to thank her for so many years together. Some of them had such a hard time saying good-bye. I did, too. And I know it’s not good-bye to them, but it is good-bye to what has been for so long. And even though this is a wonderful, well-deserved and long-overdue change, there is a bit of mourning in it. There’s always mourning baked into change.

My brother, Joey, gave one of the speeches at mom’s dinner. It was a really beautiful sentiment based on my mom’s favorite movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. He simply said, “thanks for the wings.” And we all felt that. Even when mom couldn’t fly with us, she still pushed us out of the nest and sent us on our way so we could fly solo into whatever future we wanted. She lifted us up, and even if we didn’t always agree with her, she never prevented us from going where we felt we needed to go.

Joey got it right – thanks for the wings, Mom. And everything that you had to sacrifice to give them to us. Now, it’s your turn to get some wings of your own.

care, career, choices, commitment, creativity, decision-making, determination, work

Step 266: Don’t Lower Your Expectations

Christa Avampato

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the conditions that surround him. The unreasonable man adapts surrounding conditions to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

When I was in business school, one of my favorite professors revealed his secret for a happy life: low expectations. He was kidding, a little laughter to break the mind numbing tension caused by information overload. He lives a life of the highest expectations I’ve ever known. And it is happy one, too.

Today, I had a conversation with someone who told me she was concerned about my expectations. I was explaining that certain areas of product development like mobile and social technologies require agile development – fail fast and don’t make the same mistake twice. Involve end-users in the process. Beat it, bureaucracy. And no, taking a year to develop a new product or service that isn’t even keeping pace with competition is not acceptable.

She tried to counter by saying that without a knowledge management system in place, there isn’t a way to lower run times between product iterations. I said that building a knowledge management system also needs to be done quickly, and it’s incumbent upon every one to create it and contribute to it. I was being unreasonable and displaying my very high expectations, and I would not back down. Her response, “Well your expectations worry me.” My response, “We have to do better.”

Uncomfortable conversation? Yes. Would I take it back and change my behavior? No. Progress requires unreasonable, unrelenting expectations, and the ability to back them up with creativity and a strong work ethic. And I mean to be a person of progress, not a person of simple adaptation to someone else’s standards. I’d rather aim high and be disappointed every day of my life, than strive for and achieve mediocrity.

choices, dogs, future, pets, priorities

Step 265: Living in the Moment

Christa Avampato

I’m working my way through Cesar Milan’s book as Phin and I get to know each other. So much of the advice is counter-intuitive, though I can already see how helpful it is to see a dog as a dog, not as a person with fur. I’m so guilty of not learning that lesson sooner. I have always seen my dogs as people, and now I know why so many of them had issues of possession and anxiety. By letting dogs be dogs, they have so much to teach us about being human. By making them human, we miss out on their distinct sense of wisdom.

Dogs do not dwell on their pasts. They truly are creatures of the moment. Their existence is in the here and now. Certainly they develop habits and associations, but 99.9% of the time those habits and associations can be undone and replaced with others. Their degree resilience is enviable.

As a I read the section of Cesar Milan’s book about how dogs appreciate the persent, I thought about how much time people spend living in the past, incurring anxiety by situations that are long gone and will never be repeated. We relive disappointments, insecurities, and sadness of our past ad nauseam. We can’t let it go. Dogs let it all go. They care about what’s happening now, in this and every moment.

Imagine if we could do that as a way of life? Get up every day with a renewed sense of hope and happy anticipation. What if we could really leave our past behind us? Would our life experience be richer or poorer if we could set aside our past and our future and just love where we are right now?

school, teaching, yoga

Step 264: Teaching Yoga at Columbia Law School

Christa Avampato

A few days ago, I posted a piece about some shifting priorities and the need for editing in my life. One of the things I’ve been considering is my interest in focusing Compass Yoga on populations that have a hard time accessing yoga classes through traditional studios. Right after I completed my teacher certification, I sent out a load of emails to schools, hospitals, nonprofits, and for-profit companies, some of which yielded some interesting possibilities that never materialized. Getting a regular teaching gig was tougher than I realized.

My friend, Sara, suggested that in addition to reaching out to law firms that I also reach out to law schools to help stressed out students. I started my yoga teaching path with this type of population, teaching a once-a-week yoga class at Darden where I was an MBA student. I offered it up as a free class to help my classmates and to build community. I really liked working with grad school students so Sara’s suggestion got me back on track.

I have one piece of advice for entrepreneurs, and more specifically for teachers who want to teach in unconventional settings: persistence pays. It’s easy to get discouraged and to go running for another piece of certification because somehow we think if we had more credential that then we’d be able to do the work we want to do. Sometimes, this is absolutely true. I’m grateful for my BA, my MBA and my yoga certification – those education experiences changed my life and my view of the world. And then I thought I needed more and more and more certificates to make myself REALLY qualified, when in truth all I want to do is teach yoga to people who can’t, won’t, or choose not to show up at a traditional studio. With this yoga mission, I’m not sure if I need more certifications. There is always more to learn, certainly, though I feel my yoga path going more toward learning by doing.

On the heels of getting my gig at New York Methodist Hospital, I recently heard back from Columbia Law School’s Yoga Club. The founder of the club is a 3rd year law student and up to her eyes in work. She heard about me and my desire to teach donation-based classes to university students after I contacted about 10 departments at Columbia trying to get my foot in any Columbia door I could find. I’m meeting her next week to get a tour of the space and learn more about the Yoga Club. My first public class at Columbia will be Monday night, October 4th. (There’s a possibility that the class will be open to the public. If that happens, then I’ll be sure to get the word out.)

Shouting dreams and priorities really does help bring them into being. I’m thrilled by this recent connection and grateful to Sara and so many of you who have been cheering me on along this path. You’ve made my work feel lighter.

With gratitude,
Christa

art, determination, museum, music

Step 263: Hahn-Bin and the Art of Darkness

Christa Avampato

“After my very deep depression, I feel really lucky to have had experience with something so dark and sad. It helps me paint the brightest colors.” ~ Hahn-Bin, violinist

My friend, Sara, invited me to Hahn-Bin’s violin concert on Sunday night at the Rubin Museum. After a productive day (a.k.a. a Sunday that was too busy for my liking), I joined Sara at the concert that turned out to be part performance art, part theatre, part visual design – all orchestrated by a 22-year old virtuoso musician with a very strong sense of himself and his vision. He is stunning, in appearance and in his musicality.

Already blown away by his nearly 2-hour performance, Hahn-Bin gave a very personal talk-back in which he talked about his fascination with world religion, his belief in the highly personal nature of art interpretation, and his struggles with and triumphs over depression. Watching him play with such ease and grace, I was confused by his depression. With a packed house and such a highly individual, refreshing voice in the highly stuffy world of classical music, what is he depressed about? And then I considered how difficult it must be to fight against the traditional music scene, filled with conservatories that are filled with professors who tell you what art and music mean. He must have had many moments of extreme self-doubt, of worry and concern for his future. He placed all his chips on his music – to fail at this would be mean failure in the highest degree.

Hahn-Bin’s story now is a triumphant one – someone who went for his art along his own path because it was the only thing he wanted to do. With his life and his art, he is teaching us an incredible lesson. To create his life, he just followed his interests. And along any path, even one we choose with all our heart, there will be highs and lows. There will be successes and failures and moments of extreme discomfort. Just because we’re going in the right direction doesn’t mean we’re immune to pain.

The right path isn’t the one filled with sunshine and roses; it’s the one where we feel most alive, where we can experience the great depth and breadth of the human experience. It makes us strong without hardening our hearts. It gives us courage and teaches us grace. And if we can make a go of the life we truly want to live, then we also have the opportunity to inspire others to do the same.

Photo above of Hahn-Bin by Morgan Freeman.

choices, decision-making, priorities

Step 262: More Life Editing – My First Lesson from Phineas

Christa Avampato

In January I wrote a post about my wipe board, the blank, erasable canvas that I use to keep track of the projects in my life. In the last two weeks, I’ve noticed that my wipe board, and by association my life, has become too full. I laughed when I caught myself squeezing project descriptions into unreadable script in the corners of the wipe board. I have been doing the exact same thing with my life. It’s easy to sign up, say yes, and create content in our lives. Deciding not to join, saying no, and editing the content are much tougher actions to take.

Now building time into my schedule to bond with and take care of Phin, it’s time for another round of editing. Phin showed up in my life to make me realize what’s really important and needs tending, and also what needs to go. It’s a message Brian has been giving me for months and I’m just now really hearing him – our creativity organizes around the constructs we give it, not the ones created by the outside world.

So I’m taking my time back into my own hands today. I’ve still got some more choices to make, but here’s what’s going so far:

1.) Free writing. Other than my own personal writing like this blog, I’m not writing anything for free – there has to be some kind of payment in the form of some currency I really care about. I have some writing work I want to get to like my yoga / personal finance book. Writing for free when that writing does nothing for me personally just isn’t an option anymore.

2.) Writing about topics I don’t care about. I’ve done some of these assignments recently for all the wrong reasons. Being rewarded financially is important to me, and it’s equally important for me to be rewarded financially for writing about topics that are important to me and that I want to promote.

3.) Work projects and colleagues that suck the life out of me. I have some of these at the moment, and I’ve recently become more vocal at work about the projects I want and the ones I don’t want. In middle management at a large company, it’s easy to just take what I’m given and tow the company line. I can do this, but it makes me miserable. And here’s the real upside about speaking up at work – it’s created a really open relationship with my Director and VP, it’s driving change in the direction that I want it to go, and I’m getting more of the work I want. Leadership from every chair is really important and possible.

4.) Friendships that are not a two-way street. I have a few friendships in my life that are not giving me as much as I’m putting into them and have been putting into them for many years. And then in contrast I have so many that are wonderful, fulfilling, balanced experiences. Going forward, I’m focusing on the latter.

5.) Private clients for Compass Yoga who can be serviced by other yoga teachers. Originally, I thought I would take on any private clients who were willing to work with me. Now, I see that I’m looking for people with very specific needs – whether it’s confidence, or having a specific ailment that they are trying to heal – physical or mental. I’m also tremendously interested in providing yoga to people who want to enhance their creativity through concentrated focus on calming their minds. There are plenty of wonderful yoga teachers who can teach anyone with $100 / hour to spend on private yoga. I’m not the right teacher for those students. My yoga is about helping people who can’t find the physical and mental help they need elsewhere. And that distinction is important, and feel right and good to me.

Are you doing some editing in your life, too? I’d love to hear about the choices you’re making.

animals, dogs, family

Step 261: Meet Phineas, My New Dog

Christa Avampato

Finally, after months (maybe even years) of deliberating, I rescued a dog from the Humane Society. Meet Phineas (Phin for short), a black and tan 10-pound dachshund, part wire hair, part smooth coat, part mini, part standard size. About a year ago, we lost our dachshund, Sebastian, and it was a heartbreaking event for my entire family. We really loved that little guy and this is the first year of my life that I’ve ever spent without a dog to love. Now that the grieving has passed and I can now almost mention Sebastian’s name without crying, it’s time for a new chapter in my life with canines. And just as I decided I was ready, Phineas appeared through the help of New York Dachshund Rescue and the Westchester Shore Humane Society in Harrison, NY.

I woke up this morning as if it were Christmas, eager to meet Phineas and see if he was a match. I knew in just a few minutes that this guy was the one for me – now if only dating were so easy (and I suppose it is with the right guy!) My newly retired mom, a great dog lover, met me at the Humane Society and agreed to watch him this weekend while I’m out-of-town. She fell in love with him on sight – another good sign! I’ve started reading Cesar Milan’s book, Cesar’s Way, and have plowed through many of Temple Grandin’s books in an effort to understand how dogs think and how to give them the very best lives possible by giving them what they need, not what we need. It’s going to be quite an adventure with Phineas and I’m looking forward to it!

A lot more to come as I travel down this new path. As I learn about Phineas, dogs, and myself in the process, I’ll record the journey here. Happy trails and tails!

Above is a photo of Phin and I, about 10 minutes after meeting. It’s our first photo together.

celebration, change, family, work

Step 260: My Mom Retired Today

Christa Avampato

When I was a teenager, I distinctly remember watching the news with my mom one night and there was a segment on retirement and social security. It was quickly becoming apparent to our nation that my generation would likely never collect social security despite all we would pay into it for many years. My mom said something like, “it must be nice to retire.” I replied with something like, “you’ll find out someday.” And then I have a snapshot in my mind of my mom hanging her head and saying, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to retire.” And it wasn’t for lack of wanting to but lack of means.

That all changed today. Just about now, my mom is packing up the last items of her office, clicking the door shut one last time, and bidding adieu to the life of full-time work. Today she will retire from over 50 years as part of the American workforce – an incredible accomplishment by any standard.

So what’s next for my mom? We’re aren’t 100% sure yet. She’s moving to Florida next week to be close to my sister and her family. She is eager to spend more time with my darling nieces and it’s time for her to spend more time in the sunshine, resting, relaxing, and reflecting. She’ll do that for a bit and then decide what’s next.

Maybe she’ll continue with her own small business, get a part-time job doing something she loves, or spend a lot of time volunteering in her new community. Maybe she’ll take up writing or painting or some other art. Maybe she’ll learn to be a clown and join the circus. My mom is full of surprises. It’s one of the many things I love about her.

I do know that she won’t take retirement lying down. She loves to be busy and active, and now she has the opportunity to really get to her life to-do list now that her employer’s to-do list is done. My mom is a firm believer in the idea that when a door closes a window opens. I can’t wait to see how everything unfolds for her. Happy retirement, Mom – no one is more deserving of it than you!

sleep, stress

Step 259: A Moment, or More, of Rest

Christa Avampato

“Sometimes the most urgent thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

I have spun myself out. Stress seems to be everywhere. Yesterday, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t calm down until I got home and collapsed in a heap on my yoga mat. I sank down into the floor, feeling the comfort of the solid ground beneath me. I could have continued to ignore my own advice and run, run, run to combat stress. I thought about it, and then thought better of it. I didn’t need to run, I needed to rest.

Resting, contrary to logic, is hard work. Our minds race, our hearts race, and our feet follow along furiously trying to keep up. It’s a cycle. I used to beat myself up for over-scheduling my life. Now, I just de-schedule it. It’s another form of editing, an under-appreciated, subconsciously coveted, and courageous talent. It causes anxiety, guilt, and a bit of regret. But sometimes, a little regret is necessary. We aren’t perfect. We make mistakes. We burn ourselves out. We wear ourselves down.

Energy is cyclical, and when we’re done, we’re done. Take a load off. You deserve it.

Illustration above by Jim Davis. Garfield had the right idea.