I tell wonder-filled stories about hope and healing
“Keep loving people. It’s the antidote to all that afflicts us.” ~ John Pavlovitz
I am holding this thought in my mind more and more as time goes on. With all that is swirling in my own world and the world at-large, I am focused now more than ever on love. It’s the energy that heals and comforts. It’s the force that binds us together, and being together is our greatest asset toward progress in all realms. Hang in there, friends, and hang in there together.
Friends, I have had a rough week. One of the roughest I’ve ever had. Truly. I have been struggling mightily on so many fronts that at one point, I could feel the walls closing in on me. There were a lot of triggering events and I felt like I was descending back down into the scary tunnel of my PTSD from many years ago. I couldn’t sleep or eat for almost 3 days. Eventually, somewhere deep down in the depths of my soul, something began to rise through all the sadness and fear and noise. It was my power. It was my voice.
Your power and your voice are always there. Always. I know it can be difficult to hear them. I know that pain stands up and demands to be recognized. And I know that healing takes time. But you will heal. Be kind to yourself. Be on your own side. Be your own best advocate. Be fierce. Know your truth, and don’t let anyone else tell you who you are. You know you. You be you. Because you are so much more than enough. It takes time to know that, too. Take the time. It’s worth it.
Whenever something doesn’t work out the way we planned, we can feel cheated, disappointed, and sad. But what if we could look at our new situation from a different angle? What if things not going how we planned is the best thing that ever happened to us? What if that opens the way for things to go better than we ever imagined possible? Let’s try to manifest that and see what happens. Sometimes things have to fall apart to come together.
April 18th is the deadline for my next round of edits for my novel, Where the Light Enters. Once I turn in that draft to my publisher, the editor will do another round of developmental editing followed by another round of line editing. A book is a long and winding road. Here’s what keeps going through the toughest of times—somewhere out there a little girl who thinks she is alone and isn’t yet sure of her own power will read this book and know her potential. I’m writing it for her. Who is your audience of one?
(Thank you to my friend, Pam, a fellow author with a new book coming out soon, who helped me to pause and think about who I’m writing for.)
Monday night I met with the team over at Notion Theory, a fantastic design shop that specializes in being a CTO for-hire (among many other amazing specialties!) I spoke to them about my virtual guidance counseling idea. They could have quoted me an outrageous amount of money to build a proof-of-concept. Instead, they said it could be done for $0 and I could do it myself in a few hours with free online tools. Sure, it will be a little manual but for MVP, it can be hacked together. What I really need to focus on is finding a couple of schools with a small amount of students who are willing to let me test the idea on them. I think it’s pretty amazing for a design shop to tell me that right now I don’t need to pay them a cent. The time for a slick seamless interface will come, but right now I just need to find people who want my help. Given how much need there is, I can get started right away with what I’ve got.
That’s a bullet hole in the middle of a shattered window in my apartment building lobby. According to the DC Police Department, it was caused by an assault rifle, a military-grade weapon. By law, these weapons cannot be owned in D.C. by any civilian for any reason, meaning the weapon was stolen or sold illegally. The reflection in the window is the building across the street, one of the largest public housing complexes in the city, and the stage for that gun fight. The irony is not lost of me. I live in a glass house, with a clear view of the Capitol a mile away, where the divide between rich and poor across North Capitol Street is a chasm that just keeps getting wider.
Though I grew up in a rural area (there is a tractor-crossing sign across the street from the home where I grew up), I’ve lived in large cities, often in developing neighborhoods, for the majority of my life. I’m not blind to the level of crime and violence that exists in our cities. I have been robbed at knife point in a Philadelphia subway station and aggressively harassed, sometimes pushed and physically threatened, on the streets of New York and D.C. But this incident of a bullet into my apartment building is crime on a whole new level for me. It has already begun to change the patterns of my life and how I navigate my neighborhood. Constant vigilance now has a whole new meaning for me.
And here is the saddest part—I’m luckier than anyone who lives in the building reflected in my shattered widow. I can move when my lease is up. Most of the people who live in that building, many of them children, are good people. They are stuck, and their situation is about to made worse with cuts in healthcare and education. These are the very people who need to be protected and as a society, we aren’t protecting them. I’ve made a point to get to know them because I understand their situation on a personal level. My family had no money when I was growing up. I know what it means to be afraid, to struggle, to feel hopeless. It’s hard to see or find a way out, and certainly even harder when you live in a building where violence is often just a breath away.
As someone who has been down into the depths of PTSD, incidents like this cause to re-evaluate just about everything in my life. I understand the preciousness of our time. I understand it’s fleeting. I understand that it goes by too quickly. I understand that we spend too many days waiting and not enough days living up to our full potential. I don’t know where this new sense of urgency and reflection is taking me. I promise to let you know where I’m heading and what I intend to do to make this world a better, safer place for all people. I can also promise you that I will not waste this learning or be dragged down by it. I will make it my fuel.
Whenever I have to make a tough decision, I spend about a week living each choice. Then at the end of that week, I reflect on how that choice makes me feel. How does it change what I think, what I do, and how I see the world? This method has never failed me. If you’re in the midst of making a decision right now and the options are getting muddled in your mind, take the choices out into the world and see what you find. It’s worth the time.
Colony Club, a local coffee shop, is the place I will always remember as the setting where Emerson Page – Where the Light Enters stepped into her light. I just met with my publisher for 2 hours and couldn’t be more excited about the launch of my book this Fall. We’re on our way. More details soon!
“Although you may have had a tragic past, it does not need to define your future. Unless you choose it. From this moment on, your life need not be tragic. From this moment on, your life is yours to make. To heal and to love are choices.” ~Max Strom
Max Strom is one of my favorite yoga teachers and writers. His book, A Life Worth Breathing, is a book I return to over and over again because of all the wisdom and grace be packs into his words. When I think about starting this project of virtual guidance counseling for kids, Max’s words speak to what I want to do for kids. To show them that though they may feel like their choices are limited now, life won’t always be that way. Eventually, and not to long from now, all of the choices will be theirs. It can be an overwhelming step change to go from being a child to being an adult. Kids have to know that someone is cheering them on, that someone is there to support them and help them wrestle through growing up.
And it’s a good reminder for us, too. The options of what we can do with our time and talents are endless. The most important work we will ever do is to decide how to use them.
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky. And you ask “What if I fall?” Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” ~ Erin Hanson
Whenever we attempt something new, too often we jump to worst case scenarios. And there’s good reason for that. We are programmed to self-protect and preserve. For our ancient ancestors, there were so many dangers in the world that were matters of life and death. Now in our somewhat civil society (though goodness, are we ever testing the bounds of civility these days!), our old programming is still in place even though we can be much more daring now and live to tell the tale.
Whenever I’m starting something new, I think of Eric Hanson and his beautiful poem. We feel so trapped in situations that don’t make us happy, but truly, we can set ourselves free. I’m not saying that it’s easy, or that there isn’t an ample amount of fear and worry associated with freedom. Friends, freedom isn’t ever free, but my goodness, is it ever worth it to try to do something that we’re passionate about. Something that matters. Something that makes a difference in the lives of others.
Yes, you may fall. Lord knows I fall every day in one way or another. I have failed miserably at things I wished so much to succeed at. But I learned. Damn, did I learn. And those falls make me tough and resilient, and they also make me empathetic and kind. I get up again, and little by little I steady my gait, get set, and try to fly again. I know that someday I’ll be soaring. You will, too. You’ll see if you just give yourself the chance. You are so much greater, so much wiser, and so much more capable than you ever give yourself credit for. So here’s your credit – it’s yours for the taking. Go do something wild and wonderful with your life. Be it small or great, let it fill you to the brim with joy and happiness, hope and purpose. The world is waiting to celebrate the beauty that is you. And so am I.
Christa Avampato 