Category: relationships

friendship, personality. relationships, Real Simple, relationships, simplicity, technology

iwantsandy.com

Christa Avampato

I think my mobile life is about to get more complicated. I have never had a Blackberry (or Crackberry as the case may be) before this job. It wasn’t essential to my other positions. Now with this new job, some work travel, and managing multiple cross-functional projects with tight deadlines and heavy execution components, I will need one. So here we go…


I was a little nervous because I was trying to figure out how I’d link my personal calendar and my work calendar if I have two devices. What a pain. And now I’m beginning to see that mobile applications are going to play a big role in our lives very soon. Who wants to be beholden to any single device? I want my schedule, documents, endless numbers of lists, etc. accessible 24 hours a day, wherever I am, from any device.

My friend, Ariel, constantly teases me about the fact that many times I can’t get right back to people when they leave me a message. If I take a week to return his casual phone call, I’m still hearing about it months later. Recently he joked “Christa, your social life is so active you need your own assistant.” I laughed. Sure I’ll get an assistant, as long as he or she works around my schedule, manages all of my life details with little effort on my part, and promises to never leave. Oh, and I’d like him or her to work for $0. “Ask and you shall receive,” my mother (Sandy) always says. And that’s when I met another Sandy that I think will quickly become indispensable. Real Simple Magazine introduced us. 

Sandy is a virtual assistant who emails and /or texts me any and all reminders that I set up simply by sending her an email to a special address. She has text recognition capabilities, handle calendars, to-dos, goals, contact lists. The only downside is you have to learn Sandy-eez. In order for everything to be logged correctly be Sandy – you have to speak her language and use her specific shorthand. That’s not so bad though – I mean, after all, she is keeping you completely organized for free and working 24/7 with a cheerful personality.

And the only other fix I might recommend – I’d love to be able to personalize my assistant and give him or her their own unique personality and look. Maybe that’s Sandy 2.0?   
career, corporation, job, networking, relationships, social media, social network, work

Spinning the web: Making the most of the final two weeks at a job

Christa Avampato

I never expected that anyone would much care that I was leaving my current job for a new opportunity. I figured people would pat me on the shoulder, wish me luck on my new adventure, and send me on my way. Just the opposite. People have gone out of their way to connect, to learn about my new job, and to make sure that they have my personal contact info correct so we can stay in touch. And these aren’t just my friends from work, but senior people whom I greatly respect and admire. It is nothing short of flattering. Of course, there are a few odd responses – people who have written me off before I’m out the door and those who have even chosen to ignore me altogether – but those are the very small minority and are people I never hoped to stay in touch with going forward.

While I have sometimes dreaded winding down my time at a job, and know many others who have had similar experiences, this time around I am glad to have over a week remaining. Closing these loops and ensuring their long-term stability are important. I now understand how professional networks and webs are built, and absolutely see that they are at least as valuable, if not more so, than the actual experience from a job. These days, everything seems to be about relationships.

The dawning of the age of social networking tools also eases the sting of leaving a job. I am a self-admitted sap. I think I’ve cried every time I’ve left a job. Though this time with these new tools at my disposal, it is easy to see that the many wonderful people I have worked alongside of will be in my life for years to come. It’s not a “good-bye”, but a “see you around the bend”. All the more reason to make sure those bridges remain whole and intact.

books, love, New York, relationships

What does Dr. Helen Fischer have to say about love?

Christa Avampato

Good question! I’ll find out tonight at the taping of an ABC News Special that Barbara Walters and Dr. Helen Fischer are co-hosting with chemistry.com. The event will take place at Mansion, a new venue in Chelsea. 50 men / 50 women – all from similar backgrounds and looking for love. This sounded a touch wacky at first but the opportunity seems so intriguing that I couldn’t possibly let it pass by.

Dr. Fischer is an anthropologist at Rutgers University, and she studies the brain in love. I figure if she has made her life’s work to find out how and why people fall for one another, the least I can do is add myself as a data point to her research. In January, Barbara Walters will present an hour long ABC News Special on Dr. Fisher’s forthcoming book, WHY HIM? WHY HER? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding Your Soul Mate.

Maybe I’ll find the love of my life, or even just get a few good dates out of the evening, and at the very least I’ll collect some good stories.

career, economy, education, money, Real Simple, relationships, travel

A framework for getting through tough times, economic or otherwise

Christa Avampato

With the current state of the economy, every news cast, newspaper, magazine, and radio station has been offering a nightly segment on making our money go further by cutting expenses, shifting our investments, and finding places with bargains. Money experts like Jean Chatzky and Suze Orman are encouraging us to live within or below our means, pay down bad debt, and save, save, save. While a lot of these tips are very helpful, they are just that – suggestions and tips. I haven’t seen a consistent, customizable framework to help us cope with specific, difficult challenges we’re facing on so many fronts. Until yesterday.


I’ve been a loyal subscriber to Real Simple Magazine for several years. I look forward to its arrival each month and it’s one of the few publications I read cover to cover every time. This month, their resident motivator, Gail Blanke, wrote a column entitled “How to Thrive in Tough Times.” I expected another set of high quality tips and hints on personal cost cutting. What I found instead was much more valuable. 


A personal and executive coach, Gail offered exactly the kind of framework I have been looking for when evaluating a challenge and formulating a way to overcome it. A fun five-step process takes us through naming and evaluating the challenge, considering possibilities, and then taking action. 


Step 1 involves naming the problem in a discrete way and then asking, “can we do anything about our situation to quickly make the problem disappear?” If no, proceed to step 2. Gail’s example in the article talks about a family who can’t afford to take vacation this year because of the tough economy. 


Step 2 we consider all of the things we’re missing out on or losing as a result of the problem. This can be an emotional coming to terms so take your time going through this step, face each fear and loss head-on, and then keep going. 


Step 3 now that we have faced what we’re losing, consider a new possibility. This can be the most difficult step because we now have to let go of what we are losing and imagine a new reality. Eventually, the family Gail was working with formulated the big idea of having a vacation at home. 


Step 4 now the fun begins. It’s time for imagining impossible things in the hope that we can make some of them possible. This is a free-for-all brainstorm. No idea is a bad idea in step 3 – get it all out there without considering limitations. This is your license to get completely carried away. The family in Gail’s example came up with ideas like taking Latin dance lessons together, cooking classes, and visiting all of the local museums in town.


Step 5 leads us on the path to reflection. We put the best of the ideas from step 4 into action, and put our best foot forward in making them a reality. No half-hearted efforts here. And then carefully consider how this new found possibility is different and even better than the opportunity we had to miss out on in these tough times. Step 5 will be a work in progress for some time, and it may teach us that while the hard times are tough to initially confront, they end up creating the circumstances for which we are most grateful. 


I hope this framework helps us all consider new realities that we must create in order to move forward, even in the toughest of times. It’s valid for personal matters, as well as professional, and can be used by anyone regardless of circumstances. It has enough structure to serve as a gentle guide and enough flexibility to make it valid in a myriad of situations. It can be used by individuals, families, and companies. Many thanks to Gail and Real Simple for finally offering up a tool that we’ll be able to use for many years to come. 

family, friendship, home, love, New York, relationships

A Year in the Making

Christa Avampato

I walked around all day yesterday trying to figure out what was so special about  June 11th. And finally, in Columbus Circle, it hit me – I moved back to NYC exactly one year ago. I drove up to NYC with my car full of worldly possessions – very little in fact since I had sold nearly everything I owned before leaving school. I had a relatively clean slate, save for my friends and family. It felt freeing to completely release the life I had known in Virginia just 24 hours earlier, to return to a place that felt like home and yet had so many new experiences to offer. 


One year later I am gainfully employed, spending time with my friends, many of whom have known me for a number of years during different phases of my life, writing every day, and living in my favorite neighborhood in New York. My family is an hour and a half away – an easy train ride. I have a new niece. There’s a rhythm to my days, and to my life. I kind of feel like June 11th is my adopted birthday – it’s the day I became more of who I am. On June 11th, I felt like I became an artist, a writer, again.


My first year back in NYC isn’t what I expected. It’s filled with many people whom I didn’t know when I arrived, and those who I saw only a few times a year for many years. Now I take my mom to brunch in the city, I go to dinner with Lisa and Dan and Steve and Brooke and Rob. Friends like Amy and Trevin and Anne and Alex and Kelly come to visit. I go to see Ken during a free weekend. And many friends have moved back after being away for so long, just like me. Somehow, by magic I think, a life came together for me that I never even knew was here. And all the while, I think it was waiting for me to get back home.


In this next year back in NY, I’m working to get my writing out to the world a bit more and I’m trying to find my professional niche. I’m working on meeting Mr. Wonderful, and I’m getting back into shape with my yoga, running, and weight training. (I’ve fallen off the wagon in both regards lately.) I’m taking a comedy writing class to improve my writing as much as to increase the amount of laughter in my life. And I’m recommitting to make sure that I honor my time as my most valuable asset. 


It feels good to be home.   

career, friendship, job, relationships

The tough truth about honesty

Christa Avampato

Getting what you want is tough. Figuring out what you want is even tougher. A seemingly simple sentence like “follow you bliss” or “do what you love” becomes exceedingly complicated when closely examined. Whether you’re trying to get what you want or what will make you happy, not always the same thing, in a job, a relationship, a friendship, or the city you live in, getting what you want requires honesty. Sometimes brutal honesty. And to be honest you have to get real and dig out the truth, even if you don’t really want to see it.

A year after graduating with our MBAs, some of my friends are at that one year mark when they’re trying to decide whether or not to move forward in their current jobs. They’re confronting some disappointments – a few have a different boss than they started with a year ago, a few have been shuffled into completely different responsibilities, and a few realize that they fell hook, line, and sinker for all that wining and dining companies did during recruiting season.

This last group I don’t feel quite so bad for. If you couldn’t see that wining and dining for what it really was, then you needed to learn the lesson the hard way. The two former groups I have enormous sympathy for. They signed up for a specific journey, to do what they truly wanted to do, and they spent a long time considering many different factors that are the ingredients to happiness. And then without warning, the picture changed and all of a sudden they ended up doing something they don’t really like at all, despite their best efforts.

Disappointment is tough to deal with. Doing something about that disappointment it tougher. A heart to heart with yourself or the person causing the disappointment can help. Some times the differences can be resolved and you can get what you want by taking action. So while summoning the courage to be honest can be a Herculean task, if in the end you are happier, it’s worth the effort.

The true difficulty comes into play when you make ever effort to get what you want, realize your situation is not going to improve, and then you either have to tough it out, unhappy, or walk. And there’s often no right answer in this instance that is immediately apparent. Unhappiness makes it tough to get up in the morning, and it pervades every facet of your life. Walking away into the unknown is sometimes not even possible, or at the very least it’s frightening. Sometimes it is easier to deal with the devil we know rather than the one we don’t.

I put my best foot forward to get what I want. I have the hard conversations. I take a lot of time (and I am lucky that I have the luxury of time) to reflect and consider my happiness. I am patient for a considerable amount of time. For reasons that are too long to list here, I am obsessive about being happy – I just cannot imagine being content for a moment in another state. When I’m in a funk I’ll do what it takes, even if it’s uncomfortable, to get back to happy. When it comes to getting what you want, having non-negotiables helps.

love, movie, New York, New York Ciy, relationships, Sex and the City, single

32 and single is okay

Christa Avampato

With the upcoming release of the Sex and the City movie, the idea of 30-something women in New York City pursuing successful careers, love, and happiness is being brought to the forefront of the minds of women like me. While I would never spend $1500 on a handbag or a pair of shoes, even if I had that kind of money to spend on such things, I certainly relate to some of the pursuits of the characters in that hit show. 

So it was with a little surprise that I went to a party last week and was told by another young woman that if a 32-year old found a man there’s no way she’d ever move to another city just to pursue a job opportunity, no matter how incredible the job. I was a tiny bit hurt (emphasis on the “tiny”), though was more disappointed with the person. For one thing, she knew I was a 32 year old single woman, and her characterization of women my age being desperate to find a man is completely off the mark. Would it be great to find love? Sure. Am I going to pass up incredible career opportunities in the hopes that a current boyfriend is the love of my life? No way. I wouldn’t want him to either, so why would I ask that of myself?

The other point that really gets me is that people who are in relationships often assume that the goal of all single people is to find a mate. It’s as if we must be sitting around hoping and praying that he’ll “find us”. Give me a break! I love my friends, my career, my family, my creative pursuits. They’re my focus. I’m not waiting for my true love to “rescue me” from my single life. Again, would it be great to meet a guy whom I connect with on a deep level whom I love and respect and admire? Yes, definitely. Does it consume my waking hours? No way – it’s a passing thought from time to time. And maybe somewhere down the line it happens, and maybe it doesn’t. And either way, it’s all okay.      

If there’s anything that Candace Bushnell’s characters have taught us it’s that love of self and friends and life is the greatest pursuit of all.

creativity, friendship, New York, relationships

Messages out to the world

Christa Avampato

“One that would have the fruit must climb the tree.” ~ Thomas Fuller

I’ve been dating a nice guy for about two months – my first foray into match.com. Last night we decided to go our own ways and while I was a bit sad, there was a part of me that was also excited. I learned a lot from this very briefing relationship: one thing being how much I’ve grown emotionally in the last year, and the second thing being that putting out into the world what you’d like back in return is a very healthy and helpful thing to do. My friend, Steve, is grateful that I have now turned the corner to stop dating jerks – he’s grown a bit tired of hearing about them – rightfully so. There’s something to be said for growing up.

So while this guy didn’t have the creative and adventurous side I was looking for, I learned how very important those two things are to me. My sweet friend, Katie, said that this world needs my creativity. And she’s right – it needs everyone’s creativity. It needs everyone to be exactly who they are and I need someone who not only nurtures that creativity in me, but also someone who has his own creative work going on that I can nurture in him.

I have found in the past few weeks that as I spent more time with him, my writing suffered, as this blog shows. He didn’t inspire any kind of narrative in me. And I found I couldn’t share any of my creative work with him. He would listen politely, because he is very polite, though couldn’t reciprocate in any way.

Last night for a bit, I felt frustrated that it took me a few months to realize this fact, though I have to admit that the only way to know if the fruit is the right fruit for us, we must, as Thomas Fuller says, make the climb and check it out. No harm done at all; we can always climb back down and walk on to another tree that appears to hold more promise.

The above photo can be found at: http://www.avonk.com/images/Lemon%20tree.bmp

Facebook, relationships, technology

Be careful what you create

Christa Avampato

I will preface this post by saying it is completely okay for you to laugh about this situation. I know you’ll be laughing at my expense and I totally understand. It’s funny, and I may be the only person on the planet who would be able to have these kinds of odds.

A few days ago a close friend was the first to let me know that an ex-boyfriend of mine that she is connected to on Facebook had changed his profile and had come out. When he and I broke up it was very sudden and without any kind of warning. He called me up on a Sunday morning on his way to a baseball game and declared “I just can’t do this anymore.” No reason, no nothing. He actually said that giving explanations for his actions isn’t his “forte”. And he said all of this with the emotion of a rock, after only weeks before we had talked about getting married. We were very much in love, or at least I was.

I was left stunned and heartbroken. I physically hurt from the news and had a tough time eating or sleeping for months afterwards. In time I created my own closure, with the help of amazing friends and family, turned my attention to other things, and was slowly able to put myself back together. I began to date again and have had relationships since. Though I in no way wanted anything to do with my ex again, there was a small piece of me that would always be confused about what happened and why.

With his announcement to the world that he was gay, I finally had an answer that made sense. At first I was confused and then angry, sad. I felt betrayed and lied to. I was hurt deeply, again. I knew he was a coward given the way he broke up with me, though this new news put everything in perspective. He must have been going through something terrible and he felt he couldn’t trust me with the truth. I never really knew him at all, and the amazing man I fell in love with was never really who he was. I moved through these emotions pretty quickly since it has been a long time since we’ve even talked to one another much less dated.

I was against contacting him, and then found through the encouragement of a few friends that sending him an email expressing how I felt would be good for both of us. I sat down and wrote him an email, and rewrote it a hundred times. I wanted to communicate that I was disappointed in the way that he came out, though wanted to make sure he knew that he had been a precious part of my life and that I wished him well now that he had come to terms with a difficult situation. Beautiful, right? Wrong.

Less than a minute after I looked up his email address (as I have removed every shred of him from my life including pictures, gifts, and contact info) and sent off my well-crafted message, I get a snarky three-liner back saying this is all just an accident and in the weeks since he’s posted this change no one else has told him about the mistake. He clicked the wrong box under “relationships”. He’s sure this new news doesn’t make anything better, but he does hope I’m well. I am so glad I could be of service to someone so undeserving of me doing anything for him! Unbelievable….my mother always said “no good deed goes unpunished.”

If he had been in front of me, I would have kicked him in the teeth – and I’m a pacifist. I was so angry that I had felt such empathy for the difficult time he was going through. He’s not going through any difficulty at all – he just doesn’t know how to use Facebook. I never imaged that would be the case since if he’s anything he’s detail-oriented and a technology whiz, or at least he was when I knew him.

The flip side is that even after being hurt by someone, I still had the ability to be empathic toward him. My wide array of emotions is sometimes a downfall, though most of the time it is a blessing. I live a fuller life because of my ability to emotionally connect with other. I’d much prefer to be a person who occasionally gets burned by feeling too much than be a person who has the emotional maturity of a robot without a forte for communication.

Facebook and other social networking tools are terrific ways to keep up with people and share information. A word to the wise: before spending an ounce of energy reacting to anything posted about anyone, make sure it’s factual. The last thing you want to do is lay your heart on the line due to someone else’s inability to click the correct box. Good grief! And now at least, I’m laughing with you….

happiness, relationships, work

What remains

Christa Avampato

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.

— Hubert Humphrey”

This quote seems especially poignant this month as my student loans have now entered repayment. “My days of living the high life are over,” I thought as I plugged in my payment to my on-line bill pay system. And then my wonderful friend, Steve, said, “Ah, you just get used to it.” I thought he may be saying this to me just to make me feel better. Steve’s not like that. He wants me to feel better, yes. Though he’s a straight shooter. If I’m doing something that’s leading me down the wrong path, he’ll tell me. No holes barred.

I had dinner with my friends Elizabeth and Kerry tonight and we were discussing relationships. Elizabeth is going to a number of weddings this year, and so we got on the topic of marriage which naturally lead to the topic of divorce and how high the rate is in the U.S. I said that I wasn’t quite sure I’d ever be able to handle a divorce as ending dating relationships is hard enough for me. “You surprise yourself with what you can handle,” they both said. And in the past few years I have found that to be true. Even when I thought I was down and out, it always turned out that I was down temporarily and that being out was never in the picture.

This same quote also speaks to how much energy or time we have left in our lives after work and other commitments. It’s important to consider what we do in those free moments, with the energy that remains. And can we find activities that replace the energy we have lost while engaged in other tasks? It’s worth the time and effort to consider “when we are stripped of extra funds, time, energy, relationships, etc., what is it that sustains us?” And how will be make the most of it? Inevitably, at some point, it will be all we’ve got.