Category: love

children, community service, education, love

My Year of Hopefulness – One Life at a Time

Christa Avampato
“It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people’s minds.” ~ Sam Adams

It’s a glorious thing to get to live a day exactly the way we want it to be. This weekend, I’ll be trying on the costume of a full-time entrepreneur. I’m getting ready to send my after-school program proposal to public school principals. Checking every “i” and “t” in the proposal, researching the best fit schools to target, and beginning to write the curriculum. I’m already fantasizing about spending tomorrow at my kitchen table, writing while the afternoon sun softly filters through the windows. It will be glorious.

Except when I’m scared, which I often am, when considering this proposal. If I think for too long about the task before me, my stomach starts doing back flips and my eyes well up. There are so many kids who have so little and need so much. I’m one person, with one little project. What kind of impact will that have when I consider that I want to reach hundreds of thousands, millions, of kids around the world? I am one small person. When I’m alone, this thought comes to the forefront of my mind and is undeniable.

I was just on the phone with someone, explaining why this project is so important, why it matters, and why I have to do this now. As I spoke, I felt the strength rising within me, the tears of frustration turned to tears of possibility and hope and dreams realized. And then he said something to me that I wish I could box up and carry around with me forever. Something that Jane Goodall communicated last night, too. He said that while I might need to pour everything I’ve got into this curriculum, that’s only half of the program. The other half will be the love I give while teaching. Love I can give – I know I’m good at that. So now I know I’m already halfway there.

Last night, the 92Y had a slide show running with quotes and photos of Jane Goodall pertaining to her work around the world. One quote that struck me so hard was one in which she talked about having goals with a wide-reaching impact. “Although the challenges seem daunting at times, this is ultimately the only way to make lasting change – one life at a time.” My pilot program is for 10 kids, barely a drop in the bucket compared to how many need this program. My hope is that those 10 will help others in turn, and so on. We’ll use leverage and multiplicative efforts to achieve this ideal of helping every kid grow up to be a productive, creative, empowered adult.

Yes the challenges are daunting. They’re downright overwhelming. I know in my heart that we can do this, that a small group of passionate people can start to set the world going in the right direction. Simply put, that’s all I’m trying to do.

childhood, children, family, friendship, love, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – New Life

Christa Avampato

Today my friends, Alex and Shawn, welcomed a new baby boy into the world. 7 and a half pounds, 19 and a half inches of new, beautiful, perfect, healthy life. Alex and Shawn will be amazing parents. They’re the funniest couple I know. Their love story is one of my favorites. Having met their freshman year of college, they’ve gone through so many life changes, together and apart. After more than a decade together, they remain intensely interested in the other’s interests and they support one another endlessly in all their pursuits. Spending time with them has always made me feel optimistic about the fate of love and marriage.

And now they begin this new piece of their history with a new member of their family. I went to Providence a few weeks ago for the baby shower, and they were both so happy. Though neither of them seemed stressed or worried or afraid. This was just another great event in their lives.

With everything we hear in the news about the difficulty of remaining in love, raising kids, and keeping a marriage strong and healthy, it’s easy to feel like it’s just not possible to have all three. And then I watch Alex and Shawn and realize that marriage and family and love are what you make of them. Too often we imagine that they are entities unto themselves that we have no control over, as if our own feelings of love live outside of us, independent of the rest of our lives. What’s amazing about Alex and Shawn is that their love resides firmly at the center of their lives, while also giving them the confidence and freedom to pursue their own independent ventures, too. It’s really something to behold, especially when you consider how young they were when they first met.

I can say with certainty that their son is one of the luckiest little guys in the world. He has these incredible parents who will provide such a prime example of what love can and should be. I can’t stop smiling when I think about how much happiness he will know in his life. All kids should be so lucky.

The photo above can be found here.

faith, hope, love, relationships, religion, yoga

My Year of Hopefulness – Is Human Connection More Powerful than Prayer?

Christa Avampato

“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.” ~ Buddha

How often do we raise our eyes to the sky and ask for help? I find myself doing that from time to time. Today I got word from a partner of mine on one of my projects that we are facing some critical obstacles. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. “Pray,” she said. “Lots.”

Now, I know she’s doing much more than praying. She’s actually working her tail off, jumping through dozens of hoops to keep us moving forward. I find that with any trying circumstance, the default solution is to pray. But what are we really doing when we pray? What am I doing as I go to my yoga mat in times of distress? What am I asking for and who am I asking it of?

Maybe prayer is better directed not up towards the sky, out of our reach. Perhaps it’s much more powerful if we turn in and not out. When I go to my yoga mat and create an intention for my practice, I’m asking for help and guidance and assurance. I’m tapping into my creative well. I’m actually searching for my soul and its wisdom. It’s an overwhelming idea if I think about it too long. Can we actually tap into the energy and light around us, all around us, by looking in?

My experience has demonstrated than the answer to this question is a resounding ‘yes’. Yoga and Buddhism have some basic tenants that I try to keep at the forefront of my mind, especially during difficult times: 1) the world will provide us the exact learning that we need at the exact moment that we need it and 2) to tap into the energy around us we must recognize that while we live in this world, we are not of it. Our souls are old. They have been through many trials. They are the ties that bind us to one another. They have knowledge far beyond what we carry within our minds and our own limited experiences. Meditation, yoga, or any other contemplative practice bring that soul knowledge to our consciousness.

While in Virginia, I used to teach yoga classes at my business school. They were my small way of making the stress that all of us felt in our studies a bit more manageable. (This Winter I’ll begin my 500 hours certification process. It will be a long road, though one I have wanted to be on for some time now.) I would close each class with a simple statement to my students that a teacher of mine used to use: “the light that is in me, honors that the light that is in you.” I’ve found that connecting with people, one heart to one heart right here on the ground, has brought me more lasting joy and peace than raising my eyes and prayers to the sky. I have more faith in us and what we can do together, here and now, than I do in anything else.
The image above can be found here.
art, books, dreams, love, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – The Velveteen Rabbit

Christa Avampato

My friend, Eric, got married this weekend. He is one of my closest friends from business school, someone who got me through many tough assignments and helped keep me sane. We also had a lot of fun together. I’m so happy that he found someone as wonderful as he is and that they’ve started their lives together.

The one reading that he and his new wife, Daphne, had at their wedding is from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. The quote considers the very pertinent question “What does it mean to be real?”

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes. When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

It is the perfect allegory for starting a relationship with someone that is based on love, and therefore the perfect reading for a wedding. It’s also the perfect thing to consider for our lives in general. Our lives, from beginning to end, are based on the art of becoming.

As we grow older we develop new interests and relationships and dreams. Some we accomplish, others die away without coming to fruition for one reason or another, and still others have yet to be found. The end process of becoming is to be real. Authentically, imperfectly, beautifully an individual who will never be replicated nor replaced.

The process of becoming takes patience, with ourselves and with others. It can’t be rushed. We can’t skip to the end to see how it turns out. We can’t work backwards and engineer our way into the best possible ending. It can only be created forward. There will be unexpected instances that must be folded into the process, some will be welcome changes, strokes of luck and genius, and others may be painful and sad. They all matter and all contribute to the piece of art, the life, we get in the end.

Becoming real is not easy. It takes work and perseverance, compromise and sacrifice. And it requires that we take the long-view, always. There will be moments of great triumph and great loss. Those losses are the risks we take and the price we pay for actively living and participating in the world around us, the risks and price for becoming real. And those triumphs and happy moments, big and small, are what make it all worthwhile.

death, environment, family, home, love, nature

My Year of Hopefulness – Love is all around us

Christa Avampato

Yesterday my friend, Ken, called me with an incredible story that’s too good to keep to myself. Last Fall he lost his mom to a terminal respiratory disease that she had managed for a number of years. Ken was very close to his mom and he’s a rough go of it for the past 6 months. One of his friends gave him a gift certificate to a nearby greenhouse and nursery so he could buy a tree in honor of his mom to plant in his yard.

When Ken was a teenager, Evita had just opened on Broadway and the song “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” was the mot popular song around. Ken’s mom used to crack herself up by changing up the words to “Don’t cry for me Sargent Tina…” She’d sing that all the time, making everyone around her laugh.

Ken was at the nursery yesterday with a friend, choosing a tree to honor his mom. They were specifically looking for a crabapple tree because of their beautiful flowers and found one they really liked. Variety: the Sargent Tina Crabapple. Maybe a coincidence…

Ken and his friend, Linda, get back to Ken’s house and plant the tree in the yard. They place the last shovelful of dirt around the tree and head back inside the house. Just as they get into the house, the song Hold Me Kiss Me Thrill Me was on the radio. That song was the only song Ken’s mother requested for her memorial service when she and Ken were choosing the music while his mom was in hospice. Coincidence, I think not…

Losing people is hard, though experiences like Ken’s remind me that we don’t ever lose the ones we love. They just cross over, and they’ll be there when we cross over, too. We’ll be with them again, and while it’s hard to accept that they don’t exist in the form in which we knew them and loved them, their love is still very much a part of our lives, always. Their love is truly all around us.

The photo above depicts the blossoms of a Sargent Tina Crabapple and is from http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2072/3534629428_bef4ba6e37.jpg?v=0.

career, change, experience, family, friendship, love, relationships, travel
Christa Avampato

“Man can touch more than he can grasp.” ~ Gabriel Marcel

We have a very short time on this planet. While we might think that 80 or 90 years sounds like such a long time, in reality it is the bat of an eye when considering the length of history. In our lifetimes, we’ll see and take part in many different experiences with many different people in many different places. And while we might have the instinct to take part in any and every way that we can, we just can’t. We have to choose where and how and on whom to spend our time and energy.

Where will we have the most impact? Where will we find the most joy? Do we care about life-long learning or is it connection with others that is most important to us? These types of questions are critical for us to consider and answer when we think about what we’d like to do with our time here.

There are millions of ways for us to make a difference – there are so many places, people, and things that will somehow enter our lives. The only question we really have to answer is, “which experiences we will witness and let pass and which are the ones that are we will hang onto for longer than a moment?”

books, change, family, Hachette Book Group USA, love, writer

My Year of Hopefulness – Follow Me by Joanna Scott

Christa Avampato

As a writer, I read a lot, always looking for new styles and interesting turns of phrase. Joanna Scott has become my new favorite author. I quickly ran through her book, Follow Me, in a week. I couldn’t put it down and wanted to enjoy every word of this consuming, at once bitter and sweet, story that spans several generations of women. Mistaken identities, family complications, love, and a sense of place dominate the books intertwining themes. At points I loved and hated all of the main characters, a sign that Joanna Scott is capable of creating personalities that are so true to life that I have found myself thinking about them as if they are my neighbors and friends.

Even more lovely and intriguing than the plot twists and turns, Joanna Scott uses language that made me realize that English can be just as beautiful as any romance language. Her poignant sentiments are dramatic without being saccharin. For example, early on in the book one of the characters runs away from her life and family after a traumatic event. “But still she runs. Running, running, running. How many lives start over this way, by putting one foot in front of the other?”

I considered how many of us today must start over because our investments have decreased so dramatically in value or because we, or someone in our family, lost a job. Starting over is frightening and painful. And yet, Joanna Scott is right: starting over is simply putting one foot in front of the other in a different direction. What I find so inspiring about Follow Me is that its characters are not afraid to start over. Indeed, they find it almost impossible to not immediately start over when life doesn’t go their way. A lesson that at least bears consideration, if not emulation, by all of us.

career, entrepreneurship, love, travel

My Year of Hopefulness: Martha Graham

Christa Avampato

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. –Martha Graham

Quotes keep me going in good times and in bad. This one from Martha Graham really struck me and is a good lesson for all of us as we continue what we’d like our life’s work to be. My friend, Linda, sent me an interesting link that she found on the Get Rich Slowly blog. At a recent conference, the author of the post Linda forwarded to me, listened to George Kinder, a financial planned with a unique approach. He asks all of this clients three questions regarding their future:

  1. Imagine you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. How would you live your life? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back on your dreams. Describe a life that is complete and richly yours.
  2. Now imagine that you visit your doctor, who tells you that you have only 5-10 years to live. You won’t ever feel sick, but you will have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining? Will you change your life and how will you do it? (Note that this question does not assume unlimited funds.)
  3. Finally, imagine that your doctor shocks you with the news that you only have 24 hours to live. Notice what feelings arise as you confront your very real mortality. Ask yourself: What did you miss? Who did you not get to be? What did you not get to do?

George Kinder asks people to think of these questions as a funnel. The first question is easy and the others get progressively harder to answer. Life planning is about getting to the bottom of the answers to questions #3.

My answers to questions #3:
I didn’t get to be my own boss, ever.
I didn’t get to find the love of my life, though I did have a lot of love in my life.
I missed traveling to so many place that I wanted to see, though I did get to go on some pretty amazing trips.
I didn’t get to publish a book, though I’m glad I published my own blog.
I never owned my own home.
I never learned to play a musical instrument well.

In short, if I only had 24 hours, I would die with the music still in me, as John Lennon said. And that alone provides me with a good deal of motivation to get and keep moving forward. Thanks, Linda!!

friendship, love, relationships

Greg and Han’s wedding

Christa Avampato

I always find myself grinning from ear to ear at weddings, despite that the idea of marriage is a bit terrifying to me on a personal level. I cringe when I hear people say things like “well she’ll be able to keep him in line” or vice versa. Or “ever since he came into her life she’s a much better person.” Ick. Can you imagine? I really love who I am, and if I ever commit my life to someone, I need to love who they are naturally. I’m not interested in keeping someone in line or “improving them”, and I’m not looking for someone to do either of those things for me either. (Please note that none of those statements apply to Greg and Han, as I’ll explain in a moment.)

I spent a long weekend in Seattle to celebrate my friend, Greg’s, wedding to a wonderful lady, Han. Greg and I played together in a band very briefly in college and I lived across the hall from him for a year. I was one of a handful of college friends and was so honored to be there. They moved to Seattle very recently to begin a new adventure together in a city that is foreign to them both. I must say that the personal attention to detail during every point of the wedding was so subtle and elegant that it must have taken a mountain of work on both Greg and Han’s parts. Truly, the entire weekend was perfect. And they’re one of those incredibly rare perfect couples.

Having never been married and having most of my friends be unmarried, weddings are a bit of a mystery to me. I am always amazed, and truthfully in awe, of two people committing to one another forever in front of a crowd of people they know. I’m reminded about the advice that if you really want to do something, make sure to tell everyone you know you’re going to do it. It creates a level of accountability that you can’t establish otherwise.

I noticed something at Greg and Han’s wedding that I don’t believe I’ve ever seen to such a degree at a wedding before, and it gave me great hope for the future of marriage. Greg has a coolness about him, a sophistication. He moves and operates his life with an admirable relaxed gracefulness. And he always has. At the reception, I saw how perfectly Han’s cool factor matched and complimented Greg’s. How well they fit together naturally, not because either of them was changing the other but because they really are two halves joining with great ease. And while people say a relationship is work, it doesn’t seem to be for them. It just is.

Greg and Han gave me a great gift by asking me to share this very special experience with them in Seattle over the weekend, and they gave me an insight that is precious. I was able to bare witness to two people who were able to sift through many personalities in this world to find another, equal spirit whose mere presence makes life easier, simpler, and happier. For Greg and Han, I was able to see many, many years of being together, her sway matching his. Taking someone into your life and keeping them in your life shouldn’t be an arduous, tedious task – ever. I’m convinced now, many thanks to Greg and Han, that two people fusing their lives together can, and I believe must, be something of a magical moment, like creating music, like art. It really should be as essential and as easy as breathing.

books, love, New York, relationships

What does Dr. Helen Fischer have to say about love?

Christa Avampato

Good question! I’ll find out tonight at the taping of an ABC News Special that Barbara Walters and Dr. Helen Fischer are co-hosting with chemistry.com. The event will take place at Mansion, a new venue in Chelsea. 50 men / 50 women – all from similar backgrounds and looking for love. This sounded a touch wacky at first but the opportunity seems so intriguing that I couldn’t possibly let it pass by.

Dr. Fischer is an anthropologist at Rutgers University, and she studies the brain in love. I figure if she has made her life’s work to find out how and why people fall for one another, the least I can do is add myself as a data point to her research. In January, Barbara Walters will present an hour long ABC News Special on Dr. Fisher’s forthcoming book, WHY HIM? WHY HER? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding Your Soul Mate.

Maybe I’ll find the love of my life, or even just get a few good dates out of the evening, and at the very least I’ll collect some good stories.