Category: happiness

business, career, creativity, entertainment, happiness, innovation, money, New York, society, technology, trend, writing

No one needs to pay you

Christa Avampato

From my earliest memories about what profession I’d like to have, I wanted to write. And the troublesome thing to me was always that I may never get anyone to pay me for doing what I love. I’m 31 so when I was growing up, blogs and the like didn’t exist. We were still living in the days of big blue chip companies dominating the globe. “New media” as it’s known today was just a dream inside the imaginations of a handful of people.

Today, I can confidently say that I am a writer. I don’t have a magazine gig. I don’t write for television of film. You can’t see my work in a theatre. I never signed a contract and I don’t have an agent. No one gives me assignments. And it’s no longer just tucked away in some old journal that even I’ll never go back and review, much less have anyone else read. It’s out in the world, in this wonderful thing called the blogosphere and I write whatever I’d like to write about. I do what I want, when I want, which is really the only way I am capable of living my life. I have a disdain for authority or anything that hampers personal freedom and creativity and I am largely a contrarian at the mere mention of phrases like “well, you HAVE to do it this way.” I actually don’t HAVE to do anything, and I won’t.

I used to be weird for feeling this way. Now, it’s become the way of the world. With user-generated content growing by leaps and bounds by the minute, the limits that have been placed on our lives are being ripped down in the blink of an eye. Agents, creative unions, casting directors, TV networks, producers, and film studios used to rule the roost. And while they still wield some power, it is largely dwindling to a modicum of what it used to be. We are very quickly becoming the “take charge of our lives” generation. Contrarians rejoice, we have worked our own way out of the job of being contrarians. (And not a moment too soon. Being a contrarian is exhausting work and I have other things I’d like to be doing!)

Last night I attended the Mustaches for Kids event at the Montauck Club in Park Slope. A hilarious and worthwhile event. The only nosh available was pickles by Bob from McClure’s pickles. (http://www.mcclurespickles.com/) When not in the kitchen whipping up his grandmother’s recipes, he’s acting and writing. He was telling my friend, Monika, and I about a new webtv show he’s on – http://www.theburg.tv/. It’s entirely created by his friends from college who live in Williamsburg. They didn’t create it to make money, they did it for the love of creating. And here’s the good news: they have 4 million people who have watched the show on-line, the audience is global, SAG is contacting, and Michael Eisner’s company is interested in investing in the project. The paradigm of entertainment is being torn down and built up by the talent rather than being dictated to them.

These kinds of success stories by the underdog brighten my day. It is indeed a brand new world. Focus on being great and creating your life, and the money will follow.

happiness, relationships, work

What remains

Christa Avampato

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.

— Hubert Humphrey”

This quote seems especially poignant this month as my student loans have now entered repayment. “My days of living the high life are over,” I thought as I plugged in my payment to my on-line bill pay system. And then my wonderful friend, Steve, said, “Ah, you just get used to it.” I thought he may be saying this to me just to make me feel better. Steve’s not like that. He wants me to feel better, yes. Though he’s a straight shooter. If I’m doing something that’s leading me down the wrong path, he’ll tell me. No holes barred.

I had dinner with my friends Elizabeth and Kerry tonight and we were discussing relationships. Elizabeth is going to a number of weddings this year, and so we got on the topic of marriage which naturally lead to the topic of divorce and how high the rate is in the U.S. I said that I wasn’t quite sure I’d ever be able to handle a divorce as ending dating relationships is hard enough for me. “You surprise yourself with what you can handle,” they both said. And in the past few years I have found that to be true. Even when I thought I was down and out, it always turned out that I was down temporarily and that being out was never in the picture.

This same quote also speaks to how much energy or time we have left in our lives after work and other commitments. It’s important to consider what we do in those free moments, with the energy that remains. And can we find activities that replace the energy we have lost while engaged in other tasks? It’s worth the time and effort to consider “when we are stripped of extra funds, time, energy, relationships, etc., what is it that sustains us?” And how will be make the most of it? Inevitably, at some point, it will be all we’ve got.

green, happiness

On Happiness: Together for the environment?

Christa Avampato

I am an environmentalist. I think about how my daily choices effect the planet, and I make sacrifices for the sake of future generations. I will pay more for eco-friendly products. I am the quintessential green customer.

And even I think that a story I read today goes too far. A scientist has actually conducted research and received money to arrive at the conclusion that marriages should stay together, even if unhappy, for the sake of the environment because people who live independently consume more.

I have never been married. I am not an advocate for the institution, and I am not an enemy of it either. I’d love to find a terrific guy to share my life with. And if I do, great. And if I don’t, I think I’ll be able to make it through. I believe that when most people get married they believe they have found the love of their lives, and before ever getting divorced, most people try very hard to work it out. At heart, I am an advocate of happiness and personal freedom. And if marriages lets you have those things, go for it! And if your marriage is ruining those two things for you, get out.

With all of the things to conduct research on, I have a hard time understanding how anyone can knowingly take funding to do a study that makes people feel obligated to stay in a bad situation. And with all the ways that all of us can contribute to a healthy planet, my should our happiness and daily fulfillment be compromised? That is one sacrifice I will never be willing to make.

Read the news release at http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2007/dec/04/divorce.resources

career, dreams, happiness, innovation, work

On Innovation: Bring the edge to the core

Christa Avampato

John Hagel and John Seely Brown wrote a terrific blog post this morning on one of Business Week’s innovation blogs. In the article, they argue that ideas and products on the edge are critical to reinventing the core of a business. They site the ipod, early social networks on-line, and China as an economic center. You can read the full article at: http://www.businessweek.com/innovate/content/nov2007/id20071128_162890.htm?chan=innovation_innovation+%2B+design_top+stories

I would also say that this idea can be extended to our own personal core. When I consider where I am now, many of the ideas of how I wanted to shape my life grew up out on the edge of my imagination, far out ideas that maybe I’d get around to eventually. And then something remarkable happened – those ideas on the edge grew to such a size that they demanded more attention. It was a snowball effect – the more attention they were given, the more refining I could do, and the more plausible they seemed despite the fact that originally they seemed impossible to achieve.

This is the wonderful thing about imagination and the belief that even the at-first impossible tasks or dreams take on the glow of possibility if tended to long enough. They somehow sprout a life of their own. It’s as if in time they grow legs and walk themselves to the middle of your existence so you can better see them and consider them. So pay attention to the edges; they are slowly marching to center stage to have their day.

The above picture can be found at: http://www.thebest3d.com/dogwaffle/tuts/o2/glow-onCircle.jpg

happiness

On happiness: dancing or surviving?

Christa Avampato

The number of forwards we get on email is astounding. To be honest, I delete most of them – especially those that say something horrible will befall me if I don’t forward the message immediately to 10 people I know. It drives me a little nuts.

Today my mom sent me a message that I have to post here. I didn’t write it. I don’t even know who wrote it, though I wish I did. At the end of the story, the author put two quotes that I think are so incredibly poignant that they deserve to be called out before I paste the story in here.

“The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”

“Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.”

And now…the story.

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?” He smiled as he patted my hand and said, “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is”.

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, “That is the kind of love I want in my life.” True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

happiness, worry

Different lenses

Christa Avampato

My friend Monica sent me an email for Thanksgiving with a simple message: “Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up.” I had never thought of emotions as having a specific direction, though it makes sense. Sorry does have its root in the past, worry has us looking around to see how we are being judged or what may be coming at us, and faith casts our gaze upward. I wonder if the converse is true as well – can the direction we choose to look incite certain emotions?

If I want to embody faith and hope, then I may spend more time looking forward, especially during times of reflection. Looking out into my future so to speak, and imagining happiness and success, however I define those. I have a tendency to beat myself up for past mistakes, big ans small. Spending energy being sorry, especially for things that are long since past forces us to look back. This is especially damaging since once we do apologize and forgive, there is nothing more we can do about the past.

I’ve written on this blog before about my tendency toward worry. A certain amount of worry can keep us on our toes, keep us motivated. But there’s a tipping point where worry can paralyze us from ever moving ahead. It’s okay to look around, as long as it’s done in moderation of looking up.

And that balance applies to all emotions. Experiencing a full range of emotions keeps us empathic, humble, and appreciative of the good times. Some people think that the goal of Buddhists is constant happiness. From the texts I have read, Buddhists are more interested in moving through an emotional array, experiencing all that life has to offer. Physically an emotionally, it seems that we would all do well to have a full range of motion.

happiness, writing

On Happiness: I’m thankful in writing

Christa Avampato

I spend some time every day being thankful. Truly. I commute to and from New Jersey and despite the fact that I love NPR, there are times when the reception goes out or I am looking to just spend some time with myself. Because of our extremely warm autumn, there are still colorful leaves on the trees – the first time I can ever remember this being the case. The yellows and oranges and red give such a warm glow to my commute. Once I turn off the highway and onto the country roads that take me to my office, I shut off the radio and just look at the trees. It’s the best part of my morning.

I am grateful and thankful today for my family and friends, for my job, for my ability to write, and for people who are actually interested in reading my writing from time to time. I am thankful for living in NYC, for my apartment, and my neighborhood. I am thankful for my education, for my curiosity, for my ability to imagine and create. I am thankful for my health and my yoga practice, and the personal freedom I have to truly control my own destiny. I am most thankful for my ability to generate and sustain happiness, to smile even when there may not be much to smile about.

The writing down of blessings helps us to be thankful, the same way writing down frustrations and disappointments helps us to bear them. The record keeping boosts our memory, helps us reflect, and yes, helps us to give thanks, loudly and often.

happiness, moving, New York, retail

On Happiness: Giving it Away

Christa Avampato

This weekend, a friend of mine moved out of her apartment of ten years. Messy roommate situation, messy subtler situation. She looked around her boxed up apartment to find almost 100 boxes, furniture in various conditions, much of her from her childhood home. She lost both her parents at a young age. She has worked so hard to get her life in order, to find her place in the world. She is one of the bravest people I know.

And even with so much courage, so much meditation on detaching herself from worldly possessions for the sake of lasting happiness, she is having a tough time letting go. Despite the fact that she is thrilled to be saving money, time, and effort by cleaning out many of these remaining remnants of her past, she is finding that letting go is in many ways just as painful as hanging on.

In the U.S., we are criticized as a nation of consumers, pack rats, too few people with too much stuff. I agree with that to an extent, except when the possessions we have really stand for a diary, a journal of where we’ve been and who’s played a part. My friend isn’t just letting of materials items; in a very really sense she is putting to rest a part of her life gone by. Giving up what’s been, what’s defined her, for the sake of what could be. It’s the gamble of a lifetime, literally.

We forget – details, events, emotions. Our minds have a wonderful way of glossing over many awful experiences, dulling the pain, or shock, or discomfort so that we can move forward. Friends and family remind us, and we keep mementos of past experiences to memorialize them. By giving away these mementos, we are not only giving away possessions, but also giving away the ability to recall the details down the road. We are losing a part of ourselves.

And we have to. We can’t possibly hang on to all of it. A lifetime holds so many things, people, occurrences. We have to assume the responsibility of editing our lives – of culling out the things that matter most from the great cumulative mass of living. It is the toughest job we will ever do. In seemingly simple acts like giving away furniture, we are choosing how to remember our lives and how to we will be remembered by others. As nice as a clean slate sounds, there is a period of mourning that happens in the cleansing.

My friend walked me to the subway Saturday afternoon after we spent a good couple of hours hashing through this idea of letting go. All I could do was give her two giant hugs, promise her my positive energy, and assure her that the next chapter would be an adventure. I am sure she walked away teary-eyed. I did, too. It’s part of the cleansing – a clean slate is on the way.

cancer, happiness, Robin Roberts, story

Making sense of a mess

Christa Avampato

There are many antecdotes that people use to comfort themselves or those they care about when something in their world goes wrong. “You’ve got to turn lemons into lemonade.” “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” “It’s a character builder.”

I was watching the news a few nights ago and Robin Roberts from Good Morning America was getting her head shaved because her hair was falling out from chemotherapy. They showed a clip of an interview with her asking her why she would subject herself to something like that on national television. And she simply said, “Because my mother taught me to make my mess my message.” So much more more powerful than making lemonade or building character.

Making your mess your message actually gives you something to do with what’s wrong with your life at the moment. That can mean cancer, a broken relationship, a lost job. You can scoop up your sorrows, however many there, however intensely they make you feel, and put them to work. And it helps you get through it, connects you to other people going through a similar situation, and helps them pull through too.
happiness, Real Simple, self-help, Sue Monk Kidd, time

On Happiness: A Matter of Time

Christa Avampato

Some people are surprised to hear that the self-help section on a book store often has the most robust sales. Closet self-helpers like me are the reason; I am a fanatic about it. It often took me many hours to slog through accounting and finance books while I was in school. Self-help books I have been known to fly through at lightning speed.
So when the Today Show launched its most recent series, “5 ways to improve your life”, I naturally made a note of it a la David Allen, the author of “Getting things Done”, so I could check it out later. I must say the writers and researchers of the Today show are working overtime these days. About a year ago, I was becoming very disenchanted with them, though now they seem to be back on track. The information is useful – 5 ways to healthier bones, 5 ways to tone up, 5 ways to ride out the market, 5 ways to save for college, etc. In their section “5 ways to live longer”, one of the suggestions is “make the decision that your time is the most valuable thing in the world.” This, by far, is my favorite. An entire self-help book in one sentence.
I think of all the times that I hand over my time willy-nilly. I do it grudgingly on occasion, though I often treat my time as if it is entirely flexible. What if I compared my resource of time with ways I use other resources? Money, energy, my health, the love of my friends and family. I would never even dream of wasting those resources, and not in small part because those resources have a quantifiable limit. If I waste any one of them, there are dire consequences. I haven’t been thinking of my time that way on a consistent basis. Yes, I know when I am doing a project and my time is running out, then I see how precious it is. But what about my free time? Why do I give that away on a daily basis? Why do I treat it as if it is a resource in abundance rather than something precious?
The root of the problem is that I have not been looking at my time as something I truly own. It belongs to work, to my hobbies, to people in my personal life, to my community. What I need to do is flip that around. I own my time and have every ability and every right to decide how to divvy it up. It goes back to what Sue Monk Kidd wrote in The Secret Life of Bees, “The hardest thing on Earth is choosing what matters.”
And everything always comes back to this choice, this decision of how to spend time. No matter what decision I am pondering, at the root, it is all about time. Even decisions that seem to be about money or health or family. They are really based on “how much time do I have and how much of it do I want to spend on (fill in the blank)?”
This revelation is game-changing. We cannot help but live our lives differently if we begin to place an increasingly high value on the actual minutes that make up our lives. And not just those crucial moments or highlights like getting married, having a baby, graduating from school, getting a new job, buying a home, taking a vacation. Every minute – they all count. They’re all precious. They’re all unique – truly. We cannot repeat a single one of them. There is no do-over, no rewind.
I am a huge fan of Real Simple magazine, and one of their website features is wallpaper for the computer that contains a simple, brightly colored picture and an inspirational quote. On my desk top right now is one by Arthur Ashe and it seems particularly relevant to this post. “From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.” And what we give to everything we do is time. Treat it like a gift.