I tell wonder-filled stories about hope and healing
Here’s a snapshot of what I want from my summer in Santa Monica.
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.” ~ Gautama Buddha
A very dear friend of mine recently lost someone close to her. He was taken at far too young an age; he still had a lot of living left to do. Letting someone go is one of the hardest things we have to do, and it’s also an excellent motivator that helps us make the most of our own lives.
The only way I can make sense of loss is by understanding that it makes me live more fully. I don’t take any day for granted. I don’t assume I’m getting a tomorrow. It all goes by too fast, and I try to grab as much of the whirling, swirling wonder of life as possible.
Deciding on our purpose, what we’re meant to do with the small sliver of time we have, is difficult. The only thing more difficult is not undertaking the pursuit. Our purpose can be a cause, person, community, line of work, or role we wish to play in the story of humanity. It’s the only thing we have complete control over. It’s our choice.
So go out there. Discover what it is that lights you up and decide to make a go of it. In that way, no matter how much time you have it will be worthwhile. You will have done what you came to do, and you’ll inspire others to do the same.
I thought I was through with it. I don’t panic anymore when I hear fire engine sirens. I’m not afraid to be in my home. My nightmares have disappeared. I don’t end up crying on the street wondering how I got there after forgetting where I’m going. These were all symptoms I had after my apartment building fire almost 4 years ago. At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt crazy. Then after I started going to therapy shortly after the fire, I realized I had PTSD.
Brian, my wizard of a therapist, and I worked through decades of issues that my PTSD triggered and after almost 3 years of hard work, I found my way to stability and confidence. That was a year ago. Last week the Santa Monica shootings sent me into a spell. I’ll be staying near there all summer on a house swap. How could this be happening to me? I felt dizzy with the what if scenarios. What if I had been there already? What if I was driving and I had been the car that was hijacked? What if I was out walking Phineas and I had been hit by a stray bullet? What if. What if. What if. I started crying. And shaking.
I used my tools. I closed by eyes, placed one hand on the heart, one hand on the belly, and started to breathe. Body into the hands on the inhale. Body into the back of the chair on the exhale. I kept my attention at the third eye. I replaced those racing what ifs with this truth: “You are safe.” I began to wind down, slowly and with a lot of effort. It worked. I was safe, and then I felt safe.
This is what meditation can do for you. It can take you from panic to peace. I can take also take you from helpless to helpful. After I calmed down, I had the most incredible thought. What happened in Santa Monica is awful. There are people there who might be scared, people who might need the gift I have to give. Maybe there’s a way for me to teach what I know. After all, I’ve lived with those what if thoughts for a long time. I learned how to chase them away. I learned how to have power over them rather than the other way around. Maybe the people of Santa Monica need that gift, too. Maybe this summer I will be in just the right place at just the right time for people who need me.
I am certain that if every person on the planet learned to meditate and practiced daily for 5 minutes, we’d have a better world in no time. We’d have more joy, peace, and compassion. We’d have less fear, violence, and instability. If we could all sit and tap in, we’d find that we are so much more connected than we ever realized.
It’s hard to believe that one year ago today I walked out the door of my corporate job to carve a career path of my own design. It’s been a year of consulting, writing, and teaching. Most of all, it’s been a year of incredible learning and adventure.
A million thank yous to so many of you who supported me and cheered me on during this process of discovery. I’m living my dream. My success is your success, too. Love, Christa
Have you read Hillary Clinton’s Twitter bio?
“Wife, mom, lawyer, women & kids advocate, FLOAR, FLOTUS, US Senator, SecState, author, dog owner, hair icon, pantsuit aficionado, glass ceiling cracker, TBD…”
The part I like best is “TBD…” This especially resonates with me because starting June 26th, my future is completely TBD. I’m heading to Santa Monica for two months to take a break and figure it out. A lot of people I know are surprised, some are shocked, and some are confused. Why go to California? And exactly what is it that I want to figure out?
I need a break from everything
I’ve been go, go, going for years. Maybe from birth. I can’t remember the last time I took a vacation just to rest and relax. I’m always going for a class / some kind of training or a service project or to visit family. I never go on vacation just to, well, go on vacation. So I’ll be doing plenty of relaxing and just having fun. Cali seems like a good place to do that.
Trying out a bi-coastal life
For a long time, I’ve had this dream of a bi-coastal life, using both New York and California as homes from which to live and work. I know New York suits me. I just don’t know if California does so I’m going to try it out. If I come back to NYC missing California, I’ll know I’m on to something.
Figure out my career
I left my corporate job exactly a year ago tomorrow. I forged this career path of my own design and it’s been an incredible learning experience. I got involved in some wonderful projects with wonderful people. I made some huge mistakes. I succeeded and failed in equal amounts, and I’m proud of all of those experiences. A life and career change of this magnitude is worthy of some dedicated reflection so that I can more clearly see the path ahead. This requires me to zone out the noise of everyday life and tune into my sense of purpose and passion. A change of scene will help me do that.
Where will this lead?
I have no idea. Honestly, I’ve put every facet of my career and life on the table for consideration. I have no definitive must-haves and must-gos. Like Hillary, the future is completely TBD for me. If someone of her stature can be okay with total reinvention, then certainly I can, too. Here’s the one thing I know for sure: I’m going to do what makes me happy.
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~ William James, American psychologist and philosopher
With Phin’s hospitalization, my preparation to leave New York City for two months, the move to my new apartment, and the winding down of some of my freelance work, I’ve felt pulled in many different directions, emotionally and physically. Sometimes, I felt completely off kilter (I’ll be giving more specifics on this in an upcoming post). As a meditation and yoga teacher, I have the tools to bring myself back to center. It takes time and patience (sometimes more of both than I would like), but it happens every single time. My practice has never failed me. It’s never failed anyone I know.
So if you’re under the dark clouds of stress and anxiety, sit down. Close your eyes. One hand on the heart, one hand on the belly. Take a deep breath and place your attention right between the eyebrows (the third eye). Your mind doesn’t control you. You control the mind. You are empowered to replace that stress with peace. You can will it to happen. It doesn’t cost you a dime. It doesn’t require any special equipment. And yet, it is the most valuable gift you can give to yourself. Teaching this simple fact is certainly the most valuable thing I give to the world.
On Monday night my dog, Phineas, started showing signs of sickness. Just after midnight on Tuesday, he started getting sick to his stomach at least once per hour. Though his energy was still good in the morning for his walk, he wasn’t able to keep down food nor water. And he was getting sick even more regularly. Something was terribly wrong.
I rushed him down to the veterinary hospital and his x-rays showed extreme inflammation in his digestive track. Our doctor explained that it could be anything from an infection to a blockage of some kind. Rather than diving right into surgery, she wanted to try to treat him with constant fluids and meds for 24 hours. Young, strong, healthy dogs are often able to pass blockages on their own and bounce back from infections quickly. Phin falls into that category. I left him at the hospital overnight and the doctor will call me in the morning after they run another set of x-rays.
I came home to my empty apartment and tried to stay busy. I cleaned my entire home from top to bottom and attempted to get some work done. It worked moderately well as long as I didn’t look at Phin’s dog bed, his blanket still curled up the way he likes it when he makes a little sleeping nest for himself. One look at that blanket and I would fall apart.
Finally, I put my work aside, closed my eyes, and meditated. I said a lot of prayers. I summoned up as many healing vibes as I ever have and I sent them all over to Phin. I asked my friends to do the same and I know many of them did. I kept reminding myself that my meditation and yoga practice saves and serves. Right now, I really need it to do both.
Every morning, Phin and I take at least an hour-long gratitude walk. On our walks, I think about all of the blessings I have in my life. I worked for and live a magnificent life. I’m grateful for good work, good people, and freedom, for the sunshine and the blue sky and the trees. For the ability to feel such a wide range of emotions so fully and authentically. I’m most grateful for my inability to take any moment for granted; I know too well how swiftly it can all disappear without warning. I’m grateful to see opportunity everywhere and be able to action against those opportunities for my own benefit and the benefit of others.
Every once in a while, I ask Phin what he’s grateful for and he just looks at me and smiles. “Back at ya, buddy,” I tell him. He lives in the moment more than anyone I know. He loves fiercely and freely. I try to follow his example. If anyone knows the value of time and gratitude, it’s Phin. He’s an amazing teacher.
“Sometimes, history is destiny.” ~ Adrian Benepe, Senior Vice President and Director of City Park Development at Trust for Public Land
While Mr. Benepe is referring to the development of cities, his quote just as easily applies to our lives. What you do today matters, not only in this moment but in every moment that follows. As someone who spent a lot of time unsure of when I would actually try to create my dream career, I can promise you that time is of the essence. Waiting and talking about what you’re going to do someday gets you nowhere. Action starts the long, winding, sometimes-frustrating but always-interesting road. And that’s what we all need to do – we need to get started. Now.
Traversing this ground toward dreams is going to take time. You’re going to grind along in fits and starts. Some days it all comes so easily and some days you’ll feel like you’re chasing your own tail. This cycle of ups and downs and turnarounds happens to me all the time. Why is it so hard to move forward? And is it even worth trying?
It’s hard because we have to build the foundation, construct the frame, enclose it, smooth out the structure, and then, and only then, do we get to the fun stuff of aesthetics and decoration. But without that underlying organization, without all those incredibly unsexy but totally necessary pieces of infrastructure, the aesthetics don’t matter. Cover it up with spackle and paint all you want. It will crumble without a foundation.
As someone who is still very much in the foundation building phase, who is mired in unsexy structural details on a daily basis, I can tell you that I still find some small victory every single day. Some days, I’m waiting on that victory until the 11th hour. But it always shows up. I think about throwing in the towel and just then some small sign from the universe breaks through and that sign gives me the strength to keep going, to keep trying, to keep waking up and giving it my best shot.
I am certain there are lots of changes on the horizon. Changes I can’t even imagine, much less plan for. Some of them are going to knock me over. They’re going to overwhelm me and cause me to question everything. Well, almost everything. No matter what happens, I’m going to get right back up. I am certain of that. And I will be stronger for it. Destiny-building is strenuous work, but there is no greater joy that pulling it together bit by beautiful bit.
Christa Avampato 