Category: relationships

community, generosity, kindness, neighbors, relationships

Celebrating "Small"

Christa Avampato

A few weeks ago I was taking the bus cross town, or at least attempting to, in the pouring rain. I was dashing down the flooded streets, chasing after the bus I needed to catch. Thankfully another person was in the same boat, or so I thought. He banged on the door of the bus to stop it. For me. And he continued on his way under a half sagging umbrella. I breathlessly thanked him. “No problem.” he said.


In the late summer, I was walking a few blocks to meet my friends at the Boat Basin. A “Not in Service” bus stopped and asked me how far I had to go. He offered to take me over there. “But you’re out of service,” I said. “Don’t worry about it,” he replied, “I don’t mind.” He dropped me off as close to the Boat Basin as possible and didn’t even ask me to swipe my Metrocard.

Today I walked outside, very early in the morning and more than a little grumpy. An older woman was struggling to scrape off the thick ice that coated her car. A stranger pulled up to the curb and offered to scrape the car for her. The woman was overwhelmed with the offer of help. I smiled and felt a little more hopeful about the world. 

I was saying good-bye and happy holidays to some of my co-workers today. And I was quite speechless to have one of them say to me, “You, Christa, were the bright spot of 2008 for me. In a year that is so challenging on every front, I am so thankful for you.” I didn’t even know how to respond. I never would have expected to have made any kind of impact close to that.

It’s these small acts of kindness and concern that make all the difference in our existence, in our experience of life. While grand gestures are certainly well-received, I always find that it’s the small and heartfelt moments that I retain and cherish most. My new year’s resolution is very simple – it is to celebrate and savor these small gifts, understand how little effort it really takes to make someone else’s day, and to recognize that I can create those moments for others on a continuous basis. In short, I’d like to feel more hopeful and generate more hope for others. 
books, career, choices, friendship, future, happiness, relationships

What Now?

Christa Avampato

About a month ago I read Ann Patchett’s book, What Now?. It’s a reproduction of her graduation speech at Sarah Lawrence University, her alma mater. And she talks about crossroads and where you might look when considering your next step. I wonder if she realized how poignant this question would become in the year after the book’s publication. 


In the month since reading the book, I’ve been considering “What Now?” almost daily. It seems that I am at an eternal crossroads in almost every area of my life. As I talk to my friends and my family I realize that many people are doing the same thing. So I thought it might be helpful to detail the way I’m framing up this question to myself in an effort to answer it as effectively as possible. 

Career: My friend, Susan, whom I consider my career guru, is always concerned about the story that our careers are weaving. And this is especially important for us 30-somethings. We have amassed a good deal of experience and expertise and we may be teetering on a taking the plunge into a higher level position a a big company, starting our own company, or making a career switch. How are those pieces weaving together into one cohesive story? When have we been happiest in our careers? What skills are we happiest exercising and what skills do we still want to polish up? These questions help me think about what’s next for me. 

Relationships: A tough one for us single 30-somethings. We’ve likely had a number of relationships at this point. And we’ve gone through the highest of highs and lowest of lows in love. We’ve had our hearts broken, perhaps broken someone else’s heart, walked away, been walked out on. We’ve loved and lost and loved again. Some people think this is the time to find a husband or settle in to be single for a long time to come. I don’t. There’s a calm that has settled in for me around love in the 30’s. Either it works or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t, I’ve given up the sadness and sulking of my 20’s – it must mean that I had better get back out there because that relationship just wasn’t the right one for me.

Friends: My friend, Amy, and I always talk about how important it is to get energy from our friends rather than have or energy sapped by people. My friend, Kelly, describes it as not wanting to be around people who suck our will to live. A bit dramatic? Sure. Accurate? Definitely. We have just so much time to devote to people in our lives. Make sure that each one enriches your life. It’s not easy to clean out our lives of old friendships that don’t work anymore – for one thing, we may find our lives have more holes than we’d like. But the good news is that if we do that we’ll have more time for the people in our lives who really matter to us, and you’ll be surprised what good fortune finds you when you make room in your life for it to stay awhile.

Happiness: This is the area of my life I work on the most. It effects our health, the foundation for every other area of our lives. It effects those around us. A recent study found that surrounding ourselves with happy people has enormous benefits – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I think about what’s next in my life, the greatest consideration I give is a decision’s effect on my happiness. And having that one guiding principle, light’s the way. 
animals, business, entrepreneurship, environment, nature, relationships, Seth Godin

Lessons from an albatross

Christa Avampato


Seth Godin wrote a post today on his blog that made me pause and re-consider some questions I’ve been thinking about recently. He talked about the patience of the albatross. It can often sit in the water or on land for days waiting for the right wind to carry it up, up, and away. It can fly for days or weeks, non-stop, with a resting heart rate. It’s an incredible lesson in biology, with many applications to our lives. 


Seth talks about Albatross businesses – those that favor a long, slow ramp-up with an eye toward longevity. He promotes patience as more than a virtue – it’s a method of survival. And this is a good lesson not only for business, particularly entrepreneurial ventures, but also anything that is worth our personal time. This can be a personal relationship, a friendship, a hobby. I am thinking about it in the context of my writing and career and I hope these thoughts will help you think about this principle in the context of your own life. 

My writing: I started this blog on a whim about a year and a half ago. My friend, Stephen, said he liked my writing and hoped I’d continue doing it. I knew nothing about social media at the time. He suggested a blog. I googled the words “create blog”, Blogger came up as the top search engine return (no surprise since Google owns Blogger), and I put up a few posts that were copies of the newspaper articles I had written over the course of a year. I didn’t know what else to write about so I’d just jot down funny or interesting things that would happen to me throughout the day. And pretty soon, I was cranking along with a decent body of work. Over 400 posts to date. Where am I going with my blog? Not quite sure yet – but goodness am I enjoying the writing and it’s become a hobby I hope to continue throughout my life. At my friend, Anne’s, suggestion I am consider turning some of the posts into a collection of essays for publication on a more public scale. Just like the albatross, I’m searching for the right air current to launch a project like that.

My career: I’m 32 and have spent the better part of 10 years intensely studying human behavior and product and service development. I’ve cobbled together this beautiful tapestry of experience with that experience I have found a many colorful characters that have become my greatest treasure. Their collective diversity is a reflection of the many twists and turns my life has taken. I review the expertise I’ve built and the successes I can point to and wonder what’s next? Where do I go from here? How do I know what current to look for?

Part of the albatross equation is knowing where you want the current to carry you so you can quickly identify it when it comes your way. Extending your wings is the easy part. The challenge, and ultimately the reward, comes when you have taken a 360 look around from wherever you are now and determined the direction you need to go. The albatross doesn’t concern itself with the length of trip, his wings will carry him as far as they need to. He cares only about the destination. 

career, economy, government, New York City, opportunity, politics, relationships, thankful, thanksgiving

Thankful

Christa Avampato

Now that the food and travel of Thanksgiving have passed, I’m spending the morning eating leftover pie, drinking coffee, leafing through retail sales circulars, and considering all the things I am thankful for. Friends and family go without saying. This has been quite a year to date so items are making the list that have rarely if ever been on the list before:

My job – despite the normal frustrations that come with every job, I am especially grateful for my current position because the day-to-day tasks and the big picture view get me up out of bed every morning. I’m learning this is a rare blessing.

A place to call home – my friend, Monika among many other people close to me, are quite shocked that I have lived at one physical address for longer than a year. That hasn’t happened since 1998. Ten years of moving at least once a year. Good grief. And now I am finally in a city that is comfortable and feels like home. I feel a sense of ownership and belonging that I haven’t found before in my life. The stability of that sends waves of peace into my life that I have not had before.

Interesting times at a young age – the economy, politics, social activism. We are living in unprecedented conditions and if we can push aside the sense of uncertainty that invades our lives regularly, it is truly a spectacular opportunity for learning. To have this privilege so early on in my life and career is a tremendous gift that will inform many decisions I will make in the year to come.

The opportunity that lies ahead – we may look out into the world at the moment and see a very bleak picture. Though hidden within the folds of that bleak cover, there are wrinkles and pockets of opportunity. Going forward, there will be incentives for us to start businesses, to become a society of savers rather than spenders, to take up the call to protect the environment, and to build better transportation systems in our cities that will benefit generations to come. The good times will roll again, though in different, and dare I say better, forms that before.

In business school, Frank Warnock was one of my economics professors. Frank developed his expertise in international capital flows as a Senior Economist in the International Finance Division at the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System in Washington, DC. And whenever we reviewed cases or economic situations that were troubling, he would always say, “You have to be hopeful. What’s the alternative?” Those words ring truer today than ever before. And for hope, and the people who remind me of its value, I am most thankful.

business, care, career, economy, relationships, social work

Ask not what your company can do for you…

Christa Avampato

I was talking with a friend of mine from school today about, what else, the economy. We have big dreams – things to do, people to see, places to go. We were movin’ on up….until our economy tanked. Now we’re happy to just be employed. We talked about the morale in our respective offices. The morale of my team is going okay – his is not quite so good. I asked him how he felt about his future at the company and he gave me a wholly unexpected response. 


“In times like this, it’s better to think of what I can do for the company rather than think about what the company can do for me,” he said. “Who would you want to have around?: someone who’s always looking out for #1 or someone who’s looking out for everyone around him.” Good point.

In times like this when there is a lot of panic and anxiety, it’s only natural to think of ourselves and our own survival. As it turns out, the best way to survive is to look out for others, to connect with others, to support others in their pursuits. Think about it from another viewpoint – in tough times it would be easy for companies to just focus on their own survival. The truly innovative companies are finding their salvation in premium customer service – if they take care of customers now, when times are tough, those customers will remember them when the good times start to roll again. And they will roll again, no matter how bad it is now. Taking the long-view is critical to success years down the road. You’ve got to be willing to hang in there for the long haul. It’s no accident that the first for letters of “career” spell “care.” And that’s what businesses need right – people who honestly, deeply care about the present and the future. 

It’s like friendship, it’s like love. Tom Stoppard said, “It’s easy to love someone at their best. Love is loving someone at their worst.” When we’re down and out, we find out who really cares about us because those are the ones that stick around and help us pick up the pieces. It’s true in relationships and it’s true for businesses, too. Both need tending and nurturing, now more than ever.      
career, friendship, relationships, work

Mixed signals

Christa Avampato

Another update from my friend, John, the extremely talented graphic designer whom I spoke about in a post last month. He’s still plugging away on his huge amount of work to get his projects off the screen and off the ground. It’s slow going, but he’s making progress. Or at least he was until today. And his story from today is a good example of why alignment matters. (Regardless of what John McCain says, I’ve never seen two mavericks make a good team.)


John has been working away on his enormous projects for several clients. On occasion he needs sign-off from his boss (let’s call him Tom) and his boss’s boss (let’s call her Barb). Trouble is that those two aren’t aligned on the artistic direction of John’s projects. (I’m getting nervous just thinking about what’s coming next.) So today, he discovered that Barb hadn’t received some mission-critical information from Tom, who was conveniently out today – the day of the deadline. Ouch. So not only did Barb call John to find out the whereabouts of Tom, but she also gave him direction on his #1 project that was entirely contradictory to his Tom’s direction from earlier this week. 

After a flurry of emails back and forth with Tom copied on them, Tom starts to reply and put in his two cents, arguing with Barb. John was hoping to back away slowly and leave Tom and Barb to fight it out. No such luck. So while John was working away all day under Barb’s direction, Tom essentially ignored that work and did his own thing. In essence, John would have had a more productive day if he had stayed home and hid under his bed. (I’m not suggesting that that would have been a good idea – merely making the comparison to demonstrate what a complete waste of time all of John’s work was today.) 

To add insult to injury, Tom then called John to walk through his (Tom’s ideas) that he wants to present to Barb tomorrow morning with John’s help. And then, when Barb cancelled tomorrow morning’s meeting with Tom via email, Tom shouted a very loud and inappropriate expletive and proceeded to complain about Barb, wanting John’s support. Good grief – Tom needs to watch the movie Saving Private Ryan where Tom Hanks says to his soldiers, “always remember to complain up.”       

I had a bit of good counsel for John, after his long and weary day.  The line “self-preservation is a full-time occupation” kept running through my head as I listened to his story. The name of the game here is documentation, communication, and concentration. Keep track of everything that’s happening so there is a clear record of sign-offs, communicate to all parties equally so everyone has the same information, and concentrate on getting the job done that needs to get done and that John has the ability to control. It’s not easy to be Switzerland, but it John’s case it may be the only way forward.
career, friendship, relationships

Searching within, and weeding

Christa Avampato

I just returned from a lovely dinner with my friend, Brooke. We were talking about work, relationships, politics, the economy, Tina Fey’s recent work – all the topics that are top of mind. And we talked about gardening, of sorts. 


I haven’t had a garden in many years, though I still remember the back-breaking work of constant weeding. And despite the discomfort, that weeding is critical. Or lives are the same way. Weeding out pieces that don’t support us being the best we can be, allowing those pieces that do support that cause to rise to the top. The weeding takes careful consideration, and a discerning eye. We need the proper tools and the will to repeat the job as often as necessary. It’s a way of managing short-term situations for the good of the long-term goal. 

The weeding can be painful, arduous, and time-consuming though there is no other way to move upward and onward. Some times, we have to weed out the unnecessary and get smaller in order to flourish in the days to come. The key is to not get overwhelmed, to breathe deeply, and to commit to seeing the task through to completion. And above all, be patient.  

friendship, love, relationships

Greg and Han’s wedding

Christa Avampato

I always find myself grinning from ear to ear at weddings, despite that the idea of marriage is a bit terrifying to me on a personal level. I cringe when I hear people say things like “well she’ll be able to keep him in line” or vice versa. Or “ever since he came into her life she’s a much better person.” Ick. Can you imagine? I really love who I am, and if I ever commit my life to someone, I need to love who they are naturally. I’m not interested in keeping someone in line or “improving them”, and I’m not looking for someone to do either of those things for me either. (Please note that none of those statements apply to Greg and Han, as I’ll explain in a moment.)

I spent a long weekend in Seattle to celebrate my friend, Greg’s, wedding to a wonderful lady, Han. Greg and I played together in a band very briefly in college and I lived across the hall from him for a year. I was one of a handful of college friends and was so honored to be there. They moved to Seattle very recently to begin a new adventure together in a city that is foreign to them both. I must say that the personal attention to detail during every point of the wedding was so subtle and elegant that it must have taken a mountain of work on both Greg and Han’s parts. Truly, the entire weekend was perfect. And they’re one of those incredibly rare perfect couples.

Having never been married and having most of my friends be unmarried, weddings are a bit of a mystery to me. I am always amazed, and truthfully in awe, of two people committing to one another forever in front of a crowd of people they know. I’m reminded about the advice that if you really want to do something, make sure to tell everyone you know you’re going to do it. It creates a level of accountability that you can’t establish otherwise.

I noticed something at Greg and Han’s wedding that I don’t believe I’ve ever seen to such a degree at a wedding before, and it gave me great hope for the future of marriage. Greg has a coolness about him, a sophistication. He moves and operates his life with an admirable relaxed gracefulness. And he always has. At the reception, I saw how perfectly Han’s cool factor matched and complimented Greg’s. How well they fit together naturally, not because either of them was changing the other but because they really are two halves joining with great ease. And while people say a relationship is work, it doesn’t seem to be for them. It just is.

Greg and Han gave me a great gift by asking me to share this very special experience with them in Seattle over the weekend, and they gave me an insight that is precious. I was able to bare witness to two people who were able to sift through many personalities in this world to find another, equal spirit whose mere presence makes life easier, simpler, and happier. For Greg and Han, I was able to see many, many years of being together, her sway matching his. Taking someone into your life and keeping them in your life shouldn’t be an arduous, tedious task – ever. I’m convinced now, many thanks to Greg and Han, that two people fusing their lives together can, and I believe must, be something of a magical moment, like creating music, like art. It really should be as essential and as easy as breathing.

art, books, friendship, health, music, New York City, relationships, wellness

How Ashford & Simpson showed me the way

Christa Avampato

I work out at the gym in my office building. It’s nothing glamorous but it has what I need: a precor machine, easy to use weight machines, a rower, and clean bright rooms for classes. It also has a view that reminds me every day of the preciousness of life: it overlooks the 9/11 site. Today crowds of people will be flocking to the site to pay homage to the people who spent their final moments on that site, people who are sorely missed by their families, friends, and by our city. It is a sobering reminder that every day, EVERY day, counts. 


I am now in the midst of reading Wynton Marsalis’s latest book, Moving to Higher Ground: How Jazz Can Change Your Life. I picked it up initially because I met him at Barnes & Noble during a session he was doing across from Lincoln Center, because my brother adores him, and because I was a mediocre saxophone player many moons ago.The book is incredible, and I’ll write a proper post reviewing it as soon as I’m finish reading it. I mention it here because it’s going to tie nicely into my thoughts on 9/11, right after I mention one more recent occurrence. 


My dear friend, Dan, whom I write about often and spend a good deal of time with, is the publicist for Feinstein’s at the Regency on Park and 61st. He took me to see Michael Feinstein’s Christmas show in December and on Tuesday he invited my friend, Monika, and I to see Ashford & Simpson. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun at a show. They play with such joy and love. I’m still humming Solid and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. I was dancing, shouting, clapping. I was living that music and I felt so connected to every person in that audience even though I didn’t know anyone save for Dan, Monika, and Dan’s co-worker, Danielle. We were all together, celebrating life.


After the show let out, I walked west to catch my bus home. It was a long walk and I waited a while for the bus so I had a decent amount of time to revel in my happiness. And I finally understood the premise of Wynton Marsalis’s book in a way I hadn’t understood before seeing Ashford & Simpson. I understood those feelings of gratefulness I get when I’m on the rowing machine and looking at that sad, expansive space where the Towers stood majestically watching over us for so many years. It’s that feeling of just being happy “to be”. 


The only job we have in this world, and I mean the ONLY job, is to experience joy and express it every day for as long as we have the privilege to be citizens of this world. Any art, but music in particular, is a thread to connect all of us because we all hear the same notes but they mean different things to all of us. It allows us to be the same, be different, be individuals, be a group, all together across many generations. We don’t need to know a language, wear certain clothes, or be raised a certain way to enjoy it. It’s an equal opportunity companion.


It’s in our best interest to share joy because as we share it, there’s more for us to have. Ashford & Simpson and Wynton Marsalis personify that principle and have reaped the benefits of its implementation. So sing, paint, play the trumpet, go to a show, write, love your job, garden, volunteer, run, swim, tell jokes, have a boogie break in your apartment. Spend time with interesting, fascinating, diverse people, and let them into your life in a profound way. And recognize how infinitely lucky we are to be alive at all. Just being able to walk around on this Earth and take it all in is an amazing gift.  

books, Hachette Book Group USA, relationships, religion

The Bible Salesman by Clyde Edgerton

Christa Avampato

If you’re looking for a quirky, off-beat adventure, Clyde Edgerton’s new book, The Bible Salesman, is for you. My contacts over at Hachette Book Group sent me an advance copy to read through and at first I was skeptical. I’m not a religious person so I had a hard time imagining that I’d enjoy a book about a Bible salesman. However, I trust the insight and taste of Hachette so I gave it a shot. 

To be fair, the book gets going a bit slowly, despite the fact that it is a slim 238 pages. For much of that start we are inside the mind of Henry Dampier, the Bible salesman. It isn’t until we begin to see him interacting with the outside world that we understand how intelligent, though endearingly gullible he is. And then all of a sudden rather than trying to figure out why in the world this man appears so odd to us, we are routing for him as he gets more deeply involved with a ring of dangerous people. 
 
Edgerton does a wonderful job of weaving classic literature themes – good versus evil, love, danger, the combined hero desire and opportunity to take a life on the ride from ordinary to extraordinary – in a wholly new and entertaining way. The other piece of Edgerton’s writing that I find so brilliant in this piece is that he asks his readers to consider religion and its role in raising children by revealing how one life, the life of Henry, was forever molded and influenced by a fundamentalist upbringing. 
 
He doesn’t preach to us and he doesn’t tell us that a fundamentalist upbringing to harmful or helpful. He lays out a plot, explains Henry’s decision process and view of the world, and reveals how this character’s back story builds the main narrative of the book. With every page turn that we are uncovering a little bit more about this man who seems so simple on the surface and yet lives an enormous life underneath that sweet veneer.