Category: relationships

kindness, relationships

This just in: Being kind even when it’s not deserved

Christa Avampato
Image by Branden Harvey
Image by Branden Harvey

“What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.” ~ George Saunders, Syracuse University commencement speech

The other day someone did something very unkind to me. It was a selfish, self-centered, and rude thing. And no matter how much I tried to express that his actions hurt me, he didn’t relent. He barely apologized, and even that was only after I pointed out that he hadn’t. (There’s nothing worse than apology that you have to ask for.)

Eventually I did the most remarkable thing, a thing that surprised me because I wasn’t so sure I was capable of it in this instance. I forgave him. Not in the sense of forgiving and forgetting. I’m blessed (cursed?) with a memory that doesn’t fade. Ever. But I let go of the anger I felt toward him. The hurt. The impulse to give him a piece of my mind, tell him just how I felt, and hurt him in the same way that he hurt me. I just stopped.

There is something freeing about letting go of these kinds of emotions and the person who incited them in us. All of sudden there is a wellspring of energy, love, and kindness that can be used for something (and someone else) better and more productive. I don’t condone his behavior and I don’t allow myself to be hurt in any way by him anymore. Complete and total disengagement gave me a way to take care of myself without causing harm to him.

George Saunders commencement speech really helped me see that this was the right path in this instance. Many people may disagree with this idea. They may consider this letting go without giving someone exactly what he deserved as a sign of weakness. I don’t. When we inflict pain of any kind on someone else, we are also harming ourselves and often at a far higher cost. That’s not a cost I am willing to pay, and it is a cost that I am certain that this person bears already. His life is lonely. He is unhappy, and that is punishment enough for anyone. I actually feel sorry for him though I also understand that his unhappiness is a choice that he made. It takes strength to walk away without retaliation of any kind. And honestly, I’ve got much better, brighter, happier ways to spend my energy. I’ve got work, good work, to do and good people in my life. That’s where and with whom I intend to put my efforts.

loss, love, relationships

This just in: Be mindful of where and with whom you place your energy

Christa Avampato
Give love where it's appreciated
Give love where it’s appreciated

I’ve learned to value people over products, experiences over possessions, and time over money. The greatest harvest grows where and with whom we place our minds and our hearts. Make sure the company you keep is as good as the company you provide. The path to care and concern is a two-way street. Don’t make someone a priority when to them you are merely an option. You deserve better. We all do.

change, relationships

This just in: With every goodbye, you learn

Christa Avampato
You learn, and you learn...
You learn, and you learn…

I’ve been thinking about this poem below a lot recently. I don’t talk about my love life on this site much, but I recently stopped dating someone who had quickly grown to mean a lot to me. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with him the way I had hoped. We had a lot of potential for something very special. This poem has helped a lot, as literature always does. It makes us feel less alone. Even though we may be hurting now, we know that many people have been this way before. And if they can pick themselves up and go on, then so can we.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn.”

~ Veronica A. Shoffstall

creativity, relationships

This just in: Faults and remedies

Christa Avampato
#waytobe
#waytobe

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” ~Henry Ford

Faults are easy to find. And the voicing of those faults are the very things that can break us down and damage relationships and the best of projects. What’s more powerful, mature, and helpful is finding a remedy to those faults. The remedy takes creativity, empathy, and concern. It takes a willingness to win, and help others win, too. It means that we’re more interested in seeing something succeed than we are in voicing our own opinions and biases. So let’s be remedy hunters. Let’s help each other find a better way forward, together.

 

friendship, relationships

This just in: Carrying the load together

Christa Avampato
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's how you carry it. ~Lena Horne
It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s how you carry it. ~Lena Horne

“It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” ~Lena Horne

This quote is on my mind today as I continue to roll up my sleeves and remake my life here in D.C. And though I drove alone with my belongings packed into my tiny car for 900+ miles with my tiny dog who was healing from painful back surgery, I knew I was driving toward a better, brighter future. I just didn’t know what that future was at the time. I knew I was going to have to dig down deep into my personal reserves to muscle through perhaps the most difficult move of my life.

In many ways, coming here 3 months ago was a practice of wiping the slate almost completely clean, save for my incredible friends who supported my journey in every way imaginable. Whether it was through phone calls, messages of support, renting me an apartment, sending me job leads, helping me unpack and get settled, showing me around the city, watching Phin, or just being there whenever I needed anything, they came through with flying colors. And now I feel really lucky to be back on my feet again and in the position to give all that love and support right back to them.

I’ve been honored by the number of people who have recently reached out and asked me for help. I like to be that resource for people, especially in times of change. I’ve been through the wringer, and I want as many people as possible to benefit from my experience. Whether that means looking at a resume, meeting for coffee to brainstorm, offering writing and job search advice, or anything else that they might need, I feel glad and grateful to offer that up. It’s the best thing about getting older—I’ve now got more experience to share than ever before.

So maybe you’re going through something right now. Something that feels uncomfortable or confusing or disappointing. You might feel alone, but you aren’t. Far from it. There are many helpers, seen and unseen, who are waiting in the wings for you to ask for help. I know because I’m one of them.

loss, love, relationships

This just in: Hands strong enough to come home empty

Christa Avampato
Hands strong enough to come home empty
Hands strong enough to come home empty

My college friend, KaRyn, once write a beautiful poem and the lines from it have stuck with me for almost 20 years. One line in particular has been running through my mind lately and I think it’s the perfect way to think about change: “With hands strong enough to come home empty.”

It’s easy to take the opportunities that just come along. It’s hard to turn away or let go of something that’s not right for us when it seems like the alternative is nothingness, emptiness. But here’s what I’m learning. If we want to receive what and who is truly meant for us, then we need space. We need emptiness before we can have fullness. These days I’m reminding myself that emptiness isn’t something to fear or be sad about. It means we’re ready for what’s next.

change, relationships

This just in: No relationship is a waste of time

Christa Avampato
"No relationship is a waste of time. If it didn't bring you what you want, it taught you what you don't want."
“No relationship is a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want.”

I read this quote yesterday and it really helped me understand that every experience we have, good or bad, is valuable. Sometimes we think that because a relationship ends or doesn’t turn out the way we hoped it would, then it was a waste of time. The value isn’t always evident right away, but in time we find the meaning in each interaction. And once we have meaning, we have everything we need to make sense of the twists and turns in our lives. It’s not easy work, but it’s always worth it.

change, relationships

This just in: The secret to relationships that last

Christa Avampato
Are you changing together or apart?
Are you changing together or apart?

A co-worker of mine just celebrated his 20th wedding anniversary. After we congratulated him, we asked him if after 20 years he figured out the secret to making something last. His response was simple and powerful: keep laughing, find someone who really gets you, and understand that you will change.

And then he expressed that there’s very little you can do to really control whether a relationship lasts or not. It’s a process of constant questioning and this is the question: as you change, and if you’re alive you will inevitably, eventually change, are you changing together or growing apart?

communication, relationships

This just in: Why speaking your mind is so difficult

Christa Avampato
Speak your mind
Speak your mind

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” ~Anaïs Nin

I was recently having a conversation with someone I really care about. I decided to ask him about something that was really troubling me, and that led to a very honest discussion that was uncomfortable and caused me to lose more than a little sleep. Despite that, we were, eventually, both glad to have had the conversation.

The difficult part about speaking our mind and wanting to talk about tough issues is that we also put ourselves in the position of someone shining a light into our own blind spots. All of a sudden we stop seeing the world through tunnel vision and it dawns on us that Anaïs Nin was spot on. We don’t see the world, or a person or a situation, as it is. We see everything and everyone as we are. Compassion and empathy are part of a process that requires constant tending and adjustment. It’s difficult work, but on the other side of that work is either an enormous lesson or a tremendous reward. Keep going.

action, choices, personality, relationships

This Just In: Let’s ditch our own BS

Christa Avampato
"I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit." ~Elizabeth Gilbert
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

I read this quote today and it really prompted me to think about my own BS. To make 2015 a revolutionary year, I’m going to have to face and blast through a false narrative that’s plagued me for too long in every aspect of my life: the concept of being enough.

For too long, I’ve remained that kid who didn’t have enough and therefore wasn’t enough. All my life I’ve allowed people to make me feel that lack of enough-ness. On the outside it might not look that way, but on the inside their words and the feelings they cause ring in my ears and heart every day. It has to end.

I write this not to elicit any kind of sympathy but as something that might help you and help the world. What we feel and do on an individual level rolls up to the human collective. I think feeling like we aren’t enough might be the very root of so many of our personal and global issues. It’s certainly the root of all of my issues.

Maybe feeling like you aren’t enough on some level is your BS, too. Maybe there’s some other personal and painful narrative that’s holding you back from the transformation you want and deserve. Let’s face all of it together. Let’s make 2015 the year we cut ties to our own BS and rise.