I tell wonder-filled stories about hope and healing
At some point we’ve all said to ourselves, “Take what you can get. Something is better than nothing.” Take the volume on that train of thought and turn it down to zero. Better yet, kick it to the curb and let it stay there, as far away from you as possible. Your time, mind, heart, and talent have an infinite amount of value. Don’t let anyone or anything make you think differently.
We spend a lot of time raising kids to be proud of who they are only to spend time as adults trying to be someone we’re not. We broaden our kids’ horizons and then specialize ourselves right into a corner to get a certain job, to fit in with a specific group of people. Please don’t ever be less than who you are. We need you to shine as brightly as you possibly can because there are so many people counting on you to the light the way. Be there for them by just being you, all of you.
In business school, I was trained to place supreme emphasis on an elevator pitch. In this age of shorter-than-ever attention spans, an elevator pitch is too long. Now we need a tagline to use online and off. Who are you and what do you care about in 10 words or less? I recently updated the tagline on my blog: “Curating a creative life through ancient wisdom and modern tech.”
My tagline used to read “Curating a creative life” and I would sometimes get the question, “how do you do that?” I wanted to be clearer about what I do so I expanded my tag line with the descriptors of how I curate a creative life. This summer I realized that everything I do is rooted in two worlds – the one of ancient wisdom (art, yoga, philosophy, wellness) and modern tech. That balance is very important to me because the two halves inform one another.
This clarity took time and a lot of effort to find and articulate. However, it was well worth the energy because it’s made my other career decisions so much easier. That’s the power of a personal mission.
What’s your tagline?
“Figure out your service on this planet. Figure out how that service nourishes the Earth and go do that.” ~ Elena Brower
On Monday night, through a tip from the always-in-the-know Yogadork and by the grace of Mike Kim, I was able to attend the Sustainable Happiness event at the Urban Zen Center. The talk was curated by Dr. Frank Lipman, founder of the Eleven Eleven Wellness Center, and included life coach Lauren Zander, Chairman and Co-founder of the Handel Group, and yoga instructor Elena Brower, founder of Virayoga. The talk was part of Dr. Lipman’s series Conversations on Wellness.
The talk kicked off with Dr. Lipman discussing the emerging field of epigenetics, the premise of which was perfectly described in a 2010 Time Magazine cover story: Your DNA Isn’t Your Destiny. Despite what we’ve been told by many people who practice medicine, epigenetics says that we are able to make profound changes in the way our genes present themselves. We are not victims to our genes; they are just one component of how our overall health and well-being evolves over a lifetime. And that component is only roughly 25% of our wellness story. 50% has to do with our lifestyle – our exercise routine, our stress level, the food we eat, etc. The remaining 25% is influenced by our environment – the air we breathe, the water we drink, etc. The best part? It’s never too late to make positive changes that impact our wellness of body, mind, and spirit.
The most interesting part of the evening involved Elena discussing how her life coaching work with Lauren changed her life in profound, unexpected, and sometimes uncomfortable ways. Elena talked about a struggle we all know too well at some point in our lives – our excuses for why we don’t do what we want with our lives. The only one stopping us is us. An ugly, though honest, truth. Lauren’s method helps her clients tease out their beliefs so that they discover why it is they don’t have what they want in their lives.
Being an enormous fan of life coaching, this talk was right up my alley and brought up so many issues that I work on regularly with my coach / therapist, Brian, whom I’ve been working with for 18 months. I showed up at Brian’s door shortly after my apartment building fire to deal with some PTSD issues. I’ve stayed because quite frankly the fire was a wake up call to get my life moving in a more authentic direction. I suspect if Lauren heard my story, she’d concur.
To bring her method of coaching to life, Lauren described several facets in great detail that I found truly thought-provoking:
Chicken and Brat – purposefully annoying, though accurate, descriptions of the voices that pop into our heads the moment we say we can’t do something. We’re either afraid or being stubborn. No, I can’t go for a run. No, I can’t eat healthy. No, I can’t let that guy know I’m really interested in him. All of our excuses can be traced back to one of these personas. So what’s the remedy? Chicken – make a list of all the things you’re afraid of and then go do them. Brat – just stop whining and DO IT!
Happiness Found – we are running all over the place trying to find it. We prop ourselves up with our many vices when happiness is right here in front of us. It’s on the other side of our fears, and its neighbors are confidence and gratitude.
Further Thoughts on Fear – and these just made me so happy to hear that I grinner from ear to ear. 1.) What you are most proud of in your life involves conquering fears. Seriously, make a list of your proudest accomplishments. I bet many if not all of them came about because you conquered a fear. 2.) If you aren’t scared, you aren’t up to enough. You don’t have any fears, you say? Go get some, and then have some fun conquering them.
Promises and Consequences – have trouble keeping New Year’s Resolutions or promises to yourself? Here’s a trick. Make a promise and then give yourself a consequence. Didn’t exercise like you promised yourself you would? That will be an extra hour of cleaning (if you hate cleaning.) Didn’t feel like meditating even though you promised yourself that you’d take 5 minutes out every day to do it? No dessert for you (if you love dessert.) Lauren stressed that the consequences can be funny, but should certainly be deterrents that help you keep the promises you make to yourself. Elena vows that this method, if you get the promises and consequences right, creates new health habits in 6 weeks.
Parent Traits – you vowed you’d never be your mother. You did everything possible to avoid becoming your father. Lauren asks you to make a list of all your parents traits, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Now go do some digging and detail out, in writing, how each on lives in you. Then find a way to evolve those traits to their enlightened state. It’s difficult and uncomfortable, but worth it. Brian’s put me through the same exercise, and in the process has helped me re-write my story with more authenticity and personal power.
The quote at the top of this post by Elena Brower is one that fills my heart until it’s overflowing. It was the most powerful statement of the evening for me, particularly because my vision for Compass Yoga is becoming so clear. Lauren’s goal with her clients, Elena’s with her students, and Dr. Lipman’s with his patients come from this one universal truth: you get one shot in this life as the beautiful creation that is you. Stop making excuses, inventing stories, and living behind half-truths of why you can’t have what you want. Just go get it.
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my apartment building fire. In some ways, I cannot believe it’s gone by so quickly and in other ways I can’t believe how much change has happened in a year. So net-net, it feels like it has been a productive year with a lot of learning. Sometimes I still shiver at the thought of the circumstances and what could have happened if everything had gone horribly wrong, if I hadn’t followed my instincts. I wrote a series of posts on this blog that recount the difficult days after the fire. They begin with my post on September 5, 2009.
The building has reopened and the walls have been painted over a pristine white. You’d never know that one year ago a fire ripped through the hallways, but every time I walk by it, I still feel the gravity of what happened there one year ago. To commemorate and celebrate the occasion, here are the top 10 things I learned as a result of my fire:
1.) I now trust my gut 99% of the time. Trusting my gut on September 5, 2009 saved my life. I had every reason to discount the feeling of dread that I felt in my kitchen when I heard my heat pipes ticking. Something told me to look a little closer, and that’s when I saw the tiles on the floor heaving. I quickly got to my stairs, without over-thinking what was happening, and despite the thick black smoke, I kept running for my life. Had I delayed even a few minutes or second-guessed my gut, the consequences would have been dire.
2.) It’s okay to ask for help. In the days after my fire, I really tried to pretend that everything was fine, that I was fine, that I was strong and invincible. The truth is that I’m strong, and human. I needed help to sort out the trauma that followed my fire and started to see Brian, my life coach. We started on a journey of self-discovery together and it is one of the most rewarding relationships of my life.
3.) Someone who wants me to move through a traumatic situation at lightning speed for his own sake is not worth having in my life. At the time of my fire, I was dating a guy whom I had really fallen for. He was a prince the day of the fire, though as soon as he saw that this wasn’t just a little blip on the radar screen of my life, he showed the less appealing side of his character. Things quickly unraveled and while we tried to maintain some kind of relationship right after our romance ended, I quickly walked away and have never looked back. That departure started a year-long effort to only have people in my life who believe that love and friendship are a two-way street.
4.) There really is no time like the present. I was sort of floating through life a year ago. I had a job that was okay, but that I honestly felt no passion for. I had been thinking of moving to a more mission-based organization, and now one year later I’m fully on that path. Destination unknown, but I know I’m moving in the right direction now by taking steps toward moving my career toward public education.
5.) Empathy is a must in all of my relationships. At the time of my fire, I worked for a woman who can only be described as wretched. She was not the least bit sympathetic toward my situation, and actually gave me a hard time about taking one day off to work with my insurance company and loaded up my plate with additional work. That moment was a definite breaking point for me, and I decided from then on that I would never work with that type of person again. Empathy is now a non-negotiable in every area of my life. (I got out of the situation with that former boss several months later, and found my way to a better internal position at my company.)
6.) True friends can celebrate with you and cry with you. I’ve had people in my life who are fair weather friends and friends who only show up when the chips are down. Real friends are the ones who show up in both kinds of situations, and everything in between. I’m blessed to have so many people in my life who fit that description.
7.) Your stuff really is just stuff. I lost almost all of my material belongings in the fire. A few things survived, but I essentially had to rebuild my material life. I had gotten to a point where I really valued my material possessions. Now, it’s just not that important to me. I only replaced the essentials – I just didn’t want “things” anymore, and I still don’t. I down-sized in a big way and feel lighter. Even if everything went up in smoke again, so long as my health and the safety of others were preserved, I really would be okay. I am not what I own. (However, PLEASE go get renter’s insurance. The peace of my mind that my Liberty Mutual policy brought me was immense. I had enough emotional fall-out to deal with from the fire itself, so not having to deal with a major financial crisis on top of it was worth every penny of my $200 annual policy.)
8.) This too shall pass. And by “this”, I mean everything. Everything always changes, the good, the bad, and the indifferent. My yoga practice has helped me accept and embrace this fact that my fire so brilliantly illuminated. And it led me to pursue my yoga teacher certification and the founding of Compass Yoga to share these insights.
Not a bad year of learning. And despite the unfortunate circumstances, my fire is the gift that keeps on giving. The lessons I learned as a result have brought tremendous peace and gratitude to my life. It couldn’t have been more unexpected, and looking back I can’t say I’d wish it hadn’t happened. It woke me up, which is exactly what I needed.
The image above is a picture of one of the hallways in my apartment building after the fire.
”The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.” ~ Gloria Steinem
I laughed out loud at this quote and then I thought, “You got that right, Gloria.” The truth may lead us to liberation, though first it does make us uncomfortable, particularly if that truth goes against a long-held belief. And what if you’re the truth-sayer of your friends, family, co-workers? What if you and the truth have come to an agreement that it will present itself and you will give it a voice? Do you turn into someone who sets others free, and first makes them angry?
I have this role. Of course I have biases, lens, that filter my view of the world. Everyone does. I am very conscious of the fact that I don’t say the truth, but my truth. I call things as I see them, though I admit that may not always be how they are from every angle. And I encourage other people to say their truth, to gives their points of view freely and openly. The truth, however biased, teaches us something – about ourselves, about others, and about the world. I’ve noticed that my closest friends share my truths. We found each other by speaking our minds. The truth leads us to our pack.
That said, speaking our truths is a tall order. Someone, always, will disagree with us and be angry about our point of view. Even the most saintly of human beings, Ghandi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, dealt with this same difficulty. No one who speaks the truth is immune to some type of backlash.
Take the tall order. Freedom isn’t free – it takes guts to find it for ourselves, and even more guts to help others find their own freedom. The alternative is that we all stay kind of content and trapped. That sounds like a serious degree of hell to me. I’d rather speak up and deal with the consequences.
A week ago, I found myself in Barnes & Noble nosing around in the children’s fiction department. In order to begin working on the scripts for my education program, I wanted to get a feel for a 6th grader’s vocabulary, sentence structure, and plot complexity. I was wandering around the store feeling underwhelmed. Where were all of the good children’s books?
And then just as I was leaving a small set of books caught my eye. Published by Scholastic, Blue Balliett wrote a set of kids mystery books that involve several main characters that carry over in the series. I picked up The Wright 3, a book about three 6th grade friends who find themselves in a race to save the Robie House, Frank Lloyd Wright’s Chicago masterpiece, from demolition. I found it oddly comforting over this last week because of several key messages it offers in a very forthright fashion – just the way that kids do.
1.) “Don’t give up. In darkness, much work can be accomplished.” I think about how much darkness was in that stairwell of my old apartment building during the fire. So much raced through my mind as I scrambled down the stairs – from “stop drop and roll” to things I never got a chance to say people whom I care about to “I will get out of this building unharmed”. In darkness, we develop a keen sense of sight and insight for things that we cannot see in broad daylight.
2.) “Sometimes when you lose something, you end up getting something else. Only you can’t know about the second thing until you’ve lost the first…losing is sometimes gaining.” It’s human nature to lament a loss of any kind whether it’s our home, our belongings, our jobs, a relationship. What’s so often under-appreciated is that losing something makes room for something new, and often better than what we had before, and it gives us a new appreciation for the things and people we do have in our lives. It takes a while to see that trade-off as a good one. In the past I have hung on to a sense of loss for far too long. I am trying to change that.
3.) “It’s sometimes hard to tell the line between real and unreal.” This world and the energies it contains work in mysterious ways. Magic and things that cannot be explained are constantly at work. Our life is full of coincidences. People appear in our lives, then disappear, then reappear again. An opportunity comes around, we may pass on it, and then it comes around again for a second and third chance. This world always has something to teach us.
4.) “Sometimes little things can appear big, and big things little.” This idea is especially powerful for me this week. I used to think I needed so many things. My apartment was filled with things I loved, things I could not imagine living without. In the end very little of it mattered. Actually, none of it really matters too much. My health and the people I love are really the only things that matter to me now.
5.) “What you notice first isn’t always what you’re looking for.” This is my favorite idea from The Wright 3. We’re so quick to judge, categorize and title a person, place, or thing. And sometimes the value we connote to an item or a person isn’t permanent. Some things and people become more valuable to us with time, and it can be a long, slow process to figure out just what the right value should be. We owe it to ourselves to give things and people a chance to prove their worth. The reality of a situation is not always what it initially presents itself to be.
I was in DC a few weekends ago and met up with a bunch of friends from business school. One member of the group who is more a classmate than a friend of mine criticized Jackson Pollock and his work, citing that even he could drip a bunch of paint on a canvas. (And this guy doesn’t have an artistic bone in his body!) At the time, I had no words to explain Jackson Pollock, and I was really upset by the guy’s criticism. I like Pollock’s work very much, though must confess I never understood it. I just love the patterns, colors, and textures of it.
As luck, and karma, would have it, today I found out why I love Jackson Pollock. If only I had read Matthew May’s book In Pursuit of Elegance before my DC trip! May explains the genius of Pollock’s work, thanks to the research of Richard Taylor, a physicist from Australia.
After studying Pollock’s work in connection to his physics research, Taylor recognized that Pollack built his paintings based upon fractals: “repetitive patterns nested within each other that remain the same at differing scales of magnification…[fractals] are simple rules…that create beautifully organized and highly complex designs [that are pleasing to the eye].” Trouble is Pollock died in 1956 and fractals weren’t discovered until 1975. Pollack lived and died ahead of his time, precisely 19 years ahead of his time.
I have been thinking about fractals all evening, their importance to physics, to Pollock, and to every day life. In a very real sense, our core values are fractals: repeating patterns that remain constant, even when examined up close. We don’t abandon them at our front door or in certain company. They stay with us and play themselves out in every area of our lives. From those simple values (aka, simple personal rules) – honesty, kindness, loyalty – we build complex, intricate relationships that form the very foundation from which all our life experiences grow. Fractals make art, and life, appealing to the eye, the mind, and the heart.
Lest we think that life is all about politics and facades and putting on airs – it is not. Life is about getting down to the simple matter of what matters to us. At the end of the day, what really counts? What do we want to be known for? What are the constants that underlie who we are, under all circumstances? It’s those things, those constant, consistent patterns, and their intersections that help us build beautiful lives.
The image above is of Blue Poles by Jackson Pollock. It recently sold for $40M.
Christa Avampato 