Category: relationships

career, change, experience, family, friendship, love, relationships, travel
Christa Avampato

“Man can touch more than he can grasp.” ~ Gabriel Marcel

We have a very short time on this planet. While we might think that 80 or 90 years sounds like such a long time, in reality it is the bat of an eye when considering the length of history. In our lifetimes, we’ll see and take part in many different experiences with many different people in many different places. And while we might have the instinct to take part in any and every way that we can, we just can’t. We have to choose where and how and on whom to spend our time and energy.

Where will we have the most impact? Where will we find the most joy? Do we care about life-long learning or is it connection with others that is most important to us? These types of questions are critical for us to consider and answer when we think about what we’d like to do with our time here.

There are millions of ways for us to make a difference – there are so many places, people, and things that will somehow enter our lives. The only question we really have to answer is, “which experiences we will witness and let pass and which are the ones that are we will hang onto for longer than a moment?”

relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – 15 Chances to Turn an Enemy Into a Friend

Christa Avampato

Extra gum has an interesting saying on the inside of its packaging: “15 chances to turn an enemy into a friend.” On my way to the subway this morning I thought about that statement. Extra gum was clearly talk about its 15 sticks of gum. But are there 15 ways to turn an enemy into a friend? I can think of 6 – and that’s a start. Any you’d like to share?

1.) Do something nice for someone, even if they haven’t been so nice to you. It can be small. It can even be done anonymously. A thoughtful favor can sometimes turnaround a bad attitude.

2.) Consider what their lives must be like outside of the environment we’re used to seeing them in. Does that give us some greater insight and understanding about their behavior?

3.) Detach. It’s amazing how people stop misbehaving when no one is watching or no one seems to care.

4.) Lay it on the line. By disarming enemies with straight-forward honesty, we can disarm them.

5.) Think of something good about them. My friend, Kelly, is brilliant at this. No matter how much she may dislike someone, she’s always able to keep an open mind about them and is determined to learn something from them.

6.) Recognize that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.

Image above can be viewed at: https://christaavampato.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/enemies_love_.jpg?w=294

hope, innovation, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – People Who Get It

Christa Avampato

I’m doing a little experiment: spend a week jotting down the names of everyone you speak to and divide them up into two groups – people who get it and people who don’t. And by “it” I mean whatever you’re passionate about. Bookies, movies, innovation, a new idea for a project at work, a vacation destination. “It” means anything that you want others to listen to, believe, and embrace as their own. “It” is something you want others to buy into.


I found that I spend a solid 50% of my time talking to people who don’t get it, and won’t get it, no matter how much I try to convince them. That is sunk energy. I am spending 50% of my time with people stating my case and I’d have just as much luck with a brick wall as I do with them. I have been wasting too much time on people who don’t get it, and who don’t get me. 

Today I went to an Innovator’s Network meeting – a group of people dedicated to talking openly and honestly, looking for silver linings amidst some very dark and gathering clouds. These were my people. Or at least some of them were my people. 

It took me a while to find them, a lot of time and effort shouting from the hilltops, and chasing a lot of roads that culminated in dead ends. I spent a lot of time feeling lonely and left out, and out of place. And then I walked into this room today and saw all of these people, gathered together, as if they had been waiting for my arrival. I took my seat among them and smiled. It felt good to be among like minds.     
For the image above, click here.
friendship, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – Accept People From Where They Are

Christa Avampato

I had drinks with my friend, Brooke, on Friday. I was telling her about a recent challenge in my love life. She listened patiently and with only a few moments of explanation she was able to make me see that the challenge I was facing had nothing to do with me and had everything to do with the guy. It’s his past relationships that are effecting his current behavior. I was presenting him with a similar situation that he’s faced in the past and that past situation didn’t go well for him. Subconsciously, he’s put me in that same category as his last girlfriend because of the circumstances, even though our personalities are completely different. 


This got me thinking about some challenges in other parts of my life and I realized a pattern. I have been losing a lot of sleep wondering what I can personally do to overcome these challenges. My conversation with Brooke showed me that sometimes all we can do to resolve a situation is nothing. We have to step back and take people from where they are, not from where we are or where we’d like them to be. The longer we live, the longer we’re likely to face some kind of trauma and discomfort. And those things alter us, and they alter the way we look at new situations. The old carries forward, no matter how much we profess to turning over a new leaf. We can change a lot of things, but we can’t go back and change our experience. That is frozen in time. 

This simple insight gave me a lot of comfort. Anxiety builds up when we feel that we should be or could be doing something to improve our lot, and for one reason or another we don’t act. Knowing that in some instances there isn’t anything we can do to improve a situation because the situation is entirely out of our control brings a sense of calm and peace. And it’s through providing that peace to someone else that may just help them resolve the challenge on their own, allowing us all to move forward.  
dating, personality, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – The Explorer

Christa Avampato

Last month, there was a clip of me on 20/20. During the summer, I was invited to a party hosted by Chemistry.com where I was getting matched up with a number of people that were supposedly perfect for me. I did meet some interesting folks, despite my initial skepticism. I was highlighted on 20/20 as the classic “Explorer” personality. I usually dislike being “typed”, however this definition suits me almost too well. 


I think about my career (or more accurately – careers (plural)), my friends, my interests, my education, my travels, my hobbies. The common thread is this unending desire to explore anything new and different. I am a restless spirit. That trait has caused me plenty of trouble, and it’s also brought me an equal amount of joy. It’s left me sometimes lonely though more often very fulfilled. Wandering can cause me to feel lost and aimless, though the search is always filled with surprise and keeps me pushing forward. 

If I consider my ideal anything – career, relationship, trip, etc. – it always involves discovery. Each new adventure uncovers another tiny piece of me that I didn’t know existed. Many times I tried to settle down and play a consistent part, and until very recently I didn’t understand why I was ultimately more comfortable with the unknown rather than the stable. Now I know its hard-wired in me. I am proud to represent all Explorers – let the search continue, always.  

Many thanks to my friends, Alex and Shawn, for creating the link to my 20/20 clip on YouTube, and to Col for taking the still of my name tag with her iPhone!
communication, management, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – Get a Leg Up by Backing Down

Christa Avampato

I get frustrated with high-strung, territorial people. They’re a little too much for me. I don’t understand them. During a recent lunch, I was talking to one of my mentors about a few people I’ve interacted with that have these unfortunate character traits. I have been struggling to find a way to get along with them. It seems that what ever I say or do, I always come out on the losing end of the deal. 


“You have to disarm them,” my mentor said. “They are fearful people. And if you meet them with any kind of resistance, they become more fearful. And more territorial. And more high-strung.” 

“So how can I win?” I asked. “Just back down,” she said. 

I was skeptical. I’m a “throw it all out on the table and sort through it” kind of person. That doesn’t work with high-string people. The truth is scary to them, especially when presented with extreme honesty. Though I don’t like doing this, I understood today that with high-strung people you have to take away the argument. Completely. I would prefer to just have a healthy debate, make a decision, and move on knowing we all said our piece, held hands, and jumped together. Won’t work with high-string territorials. So I have to find a new way. 

Today one of these people phoned me up after sending a particularly rude email telling it was my responsibility to do something. She kindly cc’d me while responding to the person asking her for a favor. I was mildly irritated but I wanted to follow my mentor’s advice and take away the argument. So I replied that even though I wasn’t quite sure it was my responsibility to do this particular task, I’d be glad to help. No problem.

Rather than just washing her hands of the event and moving on knowing I’d do the task, she felt the need to call me and say that if I didn’t really think it was my responsibility, she’d take the task because if it was really her responsibility then she wanted to do this. (You can imagine my patience wearing thin with this kind of conversation.) So I let her talk herself round and round in circles and once she came up for air, I told her I’d be glad to help with the task or glad to turn it back over to her, whatever she preferred. In a huff, she hung up. 5 minutes later I got an email saying that she’d take care of it. My mentor’s advice worked. 

This was a good lesson to learn. While we all have a normal method of operation, it’s important to remember that our method doesn’t work with every kind of personality. We have to adjust our approach and craft our communications carefully and creatively depending upon the audience. If we are our own brand, then we must remember that our messaging needs tweaking depending upon what we want to accomplish with whom. It’s not easy and it takes patience and practice. Once we get the hang of it, this method saves us a lot of frustration, time, and once in a while it might even clear some items off our to-do list.  
career, friendship, hope, relationships, work

My Year of Hopefulness – True Colors

Christa Avampato

Disappointment of any kind is difficult. If we have believed in, or loved, or respected, or trusted someone who then does something to betray our belief, love, respect or trust, it is hard to find any bright side to the situation. We may feel like we are bad judges of character, too naive, too trusting. 


There is a bright side though. There always is – it often just takes more work and effort and faith to find it when we’re in darkness. What if we never knew what another person was really like, good or bad? What if we never trusted someone enough, never trusted ourselves enough to get close to people and learn what they really stand for, how they really think and feel? It would be a lonely life. 

The trade-off for not feeling lonely and being close to others is that on occasion, some of those people, a small minority of them, will fail us. Some people that we think well of will let us down. And some times in a few very rare instances, that connection to that trusted person will be irreparable. This price is worth it though when we look around at all the people we have trusted and loved and can appreciate how full and rich our lives are as a result of those people.

And there is one additional bright side to betrayal as well: it opens the way for us to make room for others who will come into our lives some time down the road. I think of it as clearing out the cobwebs, getting my priorities back in line. We no longer need to invest in someone who disappointed us – we can just let them go.

I was talking this through with my friend, John, who has a less-than-satisfying job. He realized just today that a boss he has been slaving away for has hung him and his team out to dry to the company’s leadership. And what’s worse: his boss is proud of this. I guess he feels more powerful for having done so. John feels terrible though the good thing that he discovered is that he knows who his boss really is now. He had been staying at this company because he felt a sense of obligation to this boss; now he is free from that obligation. It’s a hard truth to face down, though clearly necessary. 

My mom has a great saying that she picked up from my grandmother and I am reminded of it every time I hear bad things happen to good people like John. My mom and grandmother say, “God writes straight through crooked lines.” Even if you don’t believe in God, the sentiment holds. Things happen in our world to send us on one course or another. Our lives flex and change. Joy is found when we can smile through that flex and change and be grateful for the the truth, even if that truth is painful. Joy’s not easy though it is always attainable as long as we can find reason and something to learn in every situation. 
books, friendship, movie, music, personality, relationships, theatre

Andre 3000

Christa Avampato

Have you heard of this guy Andre 3000? I haven’t. Outkast, yes. Andre 3000 – nope. Wouldn’t know him if I saw him. And I didn’t know his name in the midst of a group of people today at happy hour. For so long, I was used to being the youngest member of a group. That switch has flipped, clearly. I wish I could say that I’m not as hip as I used to be. Trouble is I was never hip. Ever.


The conversation then switched to movies. I had mentioned that I just saw Crash on DVD and loved it. For this I was slaughtered by nearly everyone in the group. They hated the movie – they thought it was narrow-minded and too precious. “No one talks like that or thinks like that.” “Could you make a more predictable movie?” Yikes. I was not in friendly waters.

So then we switched to books and someone said they were in the middle of A Thousand Splendid Suns, which I just finished. Finally – someone I can relate to! I said how much I enjoyed the book and also loved The Kite Runner (same author). Nope – I was the odd one out again. “That would never happen.” “What an unrealistic story.” “Too perfect an ending for my liking.” Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. And then they all left in a rush. I guess my taste in music, movies, and books cleared the room. 

Needlesstosay, I was happy to get away from those people and back to my cozy apartment among my books and music and movies that I love. (And incidentally, ones that many others love as well – Crash won 3 Oscars including one for best picture and both A Thousand Splendid Suns and The Kite Runner were best-sellers before they even went on sale to the public.) With that crowd, no wonder so many people didn’t come out for happy hour. They knew better given the company. Have any of these people read a newspaper, traveled outside of New York City, or even just learned to be polite? My guess is no. A resounding “no”. So while I felt bad about myself on the subway ride home, I was also reminded that we all have to howl if we want to find our pack. Clearly, that bunch is not my pack. I better spend my time elsewhere, and that is helpful information to have. 
community service, hope, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – Is Anyone Listening?

Christa Avampato

Did you ever wonder if anyone, anywhere is listening to you? For the most part, we have no idea how or how much we effect other people unless they are close friends or family. And even then, the effects can go on delayed and unspoken. I promise you though that your actions and words, whether kind or harsh, generous or greedy, heart-felt or hollow, have an impact. 


Someone wrote to me today to share his recent experience. He had read my New Year’s resolution to be more hopeful and generate more hope for others. I was worried about putting this message out into the world. Is it melodramatic? Is it just too precious? Is it even possible, necessary, worthwhile, or important? Just as this man was composing a message to me, he heard the news that US Airway Flight 1549. He sent me a message to say that he was inspired by my resolution to do something for those people being rescued from the plane. He grabbed a bunch of wool sweaters and headed down to the river to distribute them to passengers who had no coats and were standing in the freezing cold. 

This post is not meant at all to pat myself on the back for a job well done in the inspiration department. It’s just meant to encourage you to put your message out there, no matter what others may think, no matter what you’re worried that others may think. Your voice, your story, your actions could change someone’s outlook. And if we’re going to have any hope of building a better world, we need to start with changing people’s outlook.   
hope, relationships, work

My Year of Hopefulness – A Change of Self and Not a Change of Scene

Christa Avampato

I was speaking to a friend of mine tonight about how difficult it can be to get our head back in the game of work after the holidays. I’ll admit that I felt a tiny pang of dread this morning when my alarm went off this morning. Some people say they never know what they’d do with themselves if they retired. I’m not one of those people. I can happily fill any day with activities I love sans work. 


My friend had the same feeling this morning, wishing that she could turn off the alarm and happily snuggle back under the covers to sleep a bit more. No such luck. So with one heavy foot in front of the other she got onto the subway and made her way downtown to work, like so many of us this morning. She was pleasantly surprised to find that EVERYONE at work was cheerful and pleasant. All traces of stress and grumpiness that descended on her off right before Christmas had dissipated. It was the same office space with a whole new collective attitude. 

It’s possible, even in bleak times, to change our scene by changing ourselves. By choosing to look up while also reaching down. We can take other people with us into a new attitude. It’s not easy work. Changing the way we look at a situation or at a person, even if that person has caused us some kind of grief in the past, can work wonders to move us forward. Extend your heart and mind toward the sentiment that brings more comfort to your daily life and you will be amazed by the feeling of well-being that you’ll find.