Category: friendship

career, choices, decision-making, friendship, time

Beginning: In Your Job Search, What’s Your Single Most Important Ask?

Christa Avampato

“The only universal resource is time.”

I’ve recently had separate conversations with 2 friends that followed the exact same path. Like me, Amy and Michael are putting financial plans in place to assure that in the future they work on the projects that mean the most to them. They don’t want to retire early in the traditional sense. They absolutely want to keep working throughout their lives. They just want the option to work on their own personal passions.

This is a different way of thinking about work and savings. The 3 of us have jobs that satisfy certain requirements, though none of us would call them the ideal roles for us. Truthfully, the only ideal roles for us are the ones we create ourselves, for ourselves. So what has been our search criteria for work? Time. Our #1 requirement in our job searches has been to have jobs that provide us with the time and flexibility to work on our own personal projects, the projects that feed our souls. And to use our jobs to build up our savings to make more of those projects possible.

Another friend of mine recently criticized this view of my job. “You are really wasting your time,” she said. “It’s really a shame that you don’t have a job that challenges you more.” What I thought was shameful is that she lives for her job for a very large company that really has no sense of loyalty to her. If anything, this recession has shown me that your top priority needs to be you and the people whose lives you personally and professionally effect. I have plenty of challenge in my life – I challenge myself with all of my creative projects that happen outside of my office building. They are the projects that truly mean something to me and to the world. They are the accomplishments I am most proud of.

To be clear, I appreciate the skills I’ve built and experiences I’ve had at my company. It’s provided me with a good living and a manageable schedule to make my yoga, writing, and personal life rich and meaningful. It’s helped me look at the world in a new way. It’s given me numerous opportunities to give back to my community, donating time and money to worthy causes. It serves a tremendous purpose, even at the times that it frustrates me.

If you’re searching for a new job, or even just contemplating leaving your current role, be very clear about your situation. What are you leaving, what are you looking for, and what needs to be there for you in the next pasture?

comedy, film, friendship, women

Beginning: Women in Comedy Shine in Bridesmaids

Christa Avampato

My friend, Amanda, and I went to see Bridesmaids on its opening night. A group outing was promoted by G.L.O.C., Gorgeous Ladies of Comedy. Amanda, being a comedic actress and one of the funniest people I know, asked if I’d like to join her in supporting the movie and I didn’t hesitate to switch my plans and happily join her. The film is laugh out-loud funny with a whole host of stand-out performances and brilliant writing. It also felt great to be in a theater of women supporting other women in their creative endeavors, an activity that just doesn’t happen often enough. We need more of it.

It reminded me of the competitive streak that runs through us all, and yet seems to most prominently rear its ugly head as women duke it out with one another. There’s some of that tension in Bridesmaids as well, though I loved the twists and turns that the movie takes on this theme. Two of the bridesmaids go head-to-head right from the get-go but the incredibly talented Kristen Wiig, writer and leading lady of the movie, doesn’t let the stereotype go stale. She reminds us that every outward feeling we have toward another person, no matter the reason, is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and the direction of our own lives. It’s a tough fact to accept though Wiig has a way of making this difficult and prickly subject feel fresh, vibrant, and something we can own.

The film also illustrates a story of regret, forgiveness, and redemption. It stands as an example of the magic that comes from brutally honesty with ourselves and others. That honesty is the foundation for the heartfelt, meaningful relationships that gives us the opportunity to learn a little more about ourselves everyday. Bridemaids is a perfect example of truth in comedy at its finest.

Now playing in theaters everywhere.

friendship, gratitude, inspiration

Beginning: How to Make the Most of Everything

Christa Avampato

“The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything but they make the most of everything.” ~ Anonymous

This quote was posted on Twitter last week by @FamousWomen and retweeted by Kimberly Wilson, a yoga teacher I follow. I read it on a day just after hearing a friend of mine confess how small her life felt. She’s in a tough place at the moment, facing a lot of challenges that she doesn’t want to face because they’re painful and scary and overwhelming. Throughout the conversation I heard her lament about all of the things she doesn’t have and wants. I listened, though felt at a loss for words.

Twitter to the rescue
On the way home from seeing my friend, I scrolled through Twitter on my phone and found Kimberly’s tweet at just the right moment. We live in a society of deficits. We constantly obsess about what we don’t have and what we don’t feel. Money, material goods, time, space, fulfillment, peace. We want more and more, though when we get more where does it really lead us? Along the same circuit of attachment and attainment. Something wonderful happens, something we supposedly really wanted, and we barely give it a glance before we’re on to the next to-do list. That’s a lose-lose game.

Knowing how to really live
Whoever coined the quote above really knew how to live. There’s so much more joy to be found in being happy with what we have as opposed to striving for what we think we want. And that doesn’t mean settling and losing our ambition. I’m all for ambition and I’ve got it in spades.

Lately I’ve been feeling the soft and constant presence of true gratitude in my life. Thankfulness for my family and friends. For my apartment, as small as it may be, and my job. My yoga, writing, and art. My freedom and courage and strength and confidence that took so long to cultivate and really own. I live a blesses existence, despite its frustrations, set-backs, and disappointments. Those moments are a miniscule minority compared to the incredible number of opportunities and moments of happiness that are accessible to me all the time.

So that’s the message I’m going to give to my friend. Take the time and list out, on paper or simply in our mind’s eye, just how much you have, not what you lack. The more often we actively give thanks, the more we have to give thanks for.

Has that been your experience? Have you ever felt like you had nothing left to be happy about, and if so, how did you pull through?

This blog is also available as a podcast on Cinch and iTunes.

adventure, books, career, celebration, change, choices, creativity, discovery, experience, family, friendship, grateful, gratitude, growth, happiness, ideas, meditation, New York City, story, writing, yoga

Step 365: What’s Possible? A 2010 Wrap-up.

Christa Avampato

“I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a possibilist.” ~ Max Lerner

As I cross over the finish line of 365 days of living and writing about an extraordinary life, I marvel at the passing of another year. On December 31, 2009, I wrote a post explaining that in 2010 I wanted to record something every day that put me one step closer to an extraordinary life.

This December 31st post is always fun to write because it’s a chance for me to reflect on the past year and realize how much has happened. Just like flipping through the New York Times’s Year in Pictures helps us remember what’s happened in the world around us, flipping through my posts from the last year lets me remember all the tiny steps that brought me to do this day.

My road to recovery from my apartment building fire:
I was in denial about the true effect it had on me and that brought me to Brian, my coach and therapist, who has helped my life grow in leaps and bounds. By June, I finally felt safe in my home again and could make my apartment feel like a peaceful space.

Stepping into the writing life:
I moved my blog over to WordPress and for the first time in the 3 years since I seriously began to contemplate living a writer’s life, earned enough money to be a freelance writer for hire. This year I connected with so many talented writers – Josh, Laura, Amanda, Erica, Sharni, Will, Sara, the Wordcount Blogathon writers, Katherine, the fab team at Owning Pink, Elephant Journal, and Michael.

I wrote and published my first e-book, Hope in Progress: 27 Entrepreneurs Who Inspired Me During the Great Recessions, a compilation of 27 of my interviews that I conducted with entrepreneurs through my Examiner column.

Yoga at the forefront of my life:
I completed my 200 hour yoga teacher training at Sonicstarted Compass Yoga, my own small teaching company, and will begin teaching a regular Sunday night yoga class at Pearl Studios NYC. Through Sonic I was inspired by the incredible teachers and the 23 amazing women in my class whom I hold so dear after our journey together. My yoga teacher training helped me to establish a regular meditation practice and cured the insomnia I’ve lived with all of my life. I found the joyful noise of kirtan, which re-ignited my interest in music. Yoga led me toward a true contemplation of my faith and spirituality that continues down a very healthy, peaceful path. There are not words enough to thank the people at Sonic for how much joy they brought to my life, but I gave it a shot in this post about our last class and the closing ritual of the training. I am forever and happily indebted to them.

Some wrong turns, too:
I studied for my GRE and despite doing well on the exam, Columbia sent me an email that began “we regret to inform you that you have not been accepted” [into a PhD program in education]. I wrote a curriculum for LIM College that I was tremendously excited about, and then the class was canceled at the 11th hour for reasons that still make me shake my head. I was so excited to be selected to serve on a jury and sadly realized just how imperfect our system is. I still think about the case on a regular basis.

Making peace with New York living:
In 2010 I fell in love with New York City, again and again and again. It became my home. Our love hate relationship ended its many years of turmoil and now we’re living together in a general state of bliss, with an occasional side dish of annoyance, just for good measure and because, well, it’s a very New York thing to do.

A few unexpected journeys:
I conquered my fear of swimming in open water while on a yoga retreat in Greece. I found that mistakes can be joyful.

Wonderful new additions to my family:
We happily welcomed my new little niece Aubree and after years of wondering whether or not I should get a dog, Phineas, a sweet little dachshund, has graced my life via the Humane Society and New York dachshund rescue.

And 10 valuable life lessons that I’m grateful for:
1.) Goodness is created and remembered by sharing what we have with others.
2.) Shouting dreams helps bring them into being.
3.) Stubborness can be a beautiful thing.
4.) We get what we settle for.
5.) Obstacles in our lives are valuable.
6.) We never have to wait to live the life we want.
7.) Letting go is sometimes the bravest and best thing to do
8.) Trusting our gut is the best way to get to get to the decision that’s right for us.
9.) Be thankful for less.

My favorite and most treasured discovery of 2010:
10.) Truly extraordinary living is found in very ordinary moments.

Wishing you a very happy start to 2011. Thanks so much for being with me on this journey that was 2010.

The image above makes me feel free. Find it here.

adventure, celebration, friendship, philanthropy, women, writer

Step 343: Celebrate What You Want More Of

Christa Avampato

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” – Tom Peters

I went to a set of focus groups this week that reaffirmed my belief that most of the time focus groups are useless. I left the event rattling off a million complaints about the session. Mentally complaining about the session was ruining my mood.

On the way to work the next morning, I was flipping through my emails and saw the quote above from Tom Peters. I love Tom Peters because he strikes the perfect balance between optimism and criticism. He doesn’t see everything through rose-colored glasses but he also refuses to say that “this is the way it is because this is the way it’s always been.” He thinks differently. He evolves.

Criticism is easy, which is why almost everyone has the ability to be critical. What’s unique is when someone is critical and wants to be helpful, when someone wants to shine a light on things she loves and cast a shadow on things that she wishes would slunk away. Reward only good behaviors and in time they will prevail over the bad ones – very similar to the training I do with my pup, Phin.

To kick off some celebrating today, I wanted to tell you about my friend, Sharni, and her incredible efforts to support Afghan Women’s Writing Project (AWW). Sharni is a friend I met on Owning Pink and then have gotten to know through an exchange of our blog writing, tweeting, and Facebooking. I think of her as my blogging sister down under and although she makes her home in Australia and I make my home in New York, our brainwaves seem to meet up all the time.

Have a look at the video she created for the Afghan Women Writers project: http://www.sharnanigans.com/2010/12/this-is-a-call/. It’s inspiring. She’s running a 5K to raise money and awareness for AWW. We need more people like Sharni who passionately care about our global community and use their own personal resources to create the change they want to see in the world. Cheers to Sharni, her efforts, and all of the women who will benefit from her work!

food, friendship, happiness, writer

Step 341: The Simple Joy of Ramen

Christa Avampato

My friend, Michael, took me to Minca, a ramen restaurant on Friday night. Like so many wonderful traditions from other countries, we have twisted ramen into a cheap, nutritionless, freeze-dried meal encased in plastic on our grocery store shelves. It is the stuff of college student diets. In Japan and other parts of Asia, ramen is a sacred, beautiful, nutritious ritual. I could hardly believe how incredible I felt eating a piping hot bowl with a good friend. It was good for my soul.

Michael learned about Minca from Rameniac, a blogger who espouses his love for the delicious dish. Michael sent me a few links and closed out his email about it with such an elegant, thoughtful commentary: “Rameniac became so well-known after a few years that he started getting picked up by the LA Times. He works as a web developer by day, but because he can work essentially anywhere there is internet, he makes frequent excursions to Japan and a few other locations known for good noodles to gather field research. With cynicism and sensationalism selling so many books and magazines these days, it’s heartening to find someone who can derive so much joy from a bowl of soup.”

I couldn’t agree more. There’s so much beauty in simplicity. Give Rameniac a read, go grab a bowl, and enjoy!

Pictured above: a delicious bowl of ramen at Minca

creativity, discovery, friendship, innovation, inspiration

Step 220: Life on Our Own Terms

Christa Avampato

“We start off scared, and we stay scared until we’re done.” ~ Ed Catmull, President and Co-founder of Pixar Animation Studios

I wish someone would just eliminate acronyms like BAU (business as usual) and SOP (standard operating procedures). At various times in my life, I tried to live by someone else’s standards. I wince with embarrassment when I think about those times. They landed me in situations that left me supremely unhappy. Those times of living by someone else’s definitions of success and happiness were like death by a thousand little cuts. I lost myself and spent a long time digging my way out of those messes.

Many of my friends are now going through intense times of self-rediscovery. They’re trying new things, exploring, re-framing, and growing. This work isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s painful and scary. They’re unsure where all of it will lead, if it leads anywhere at all. They keep reaching even when it feels like they’re reaching into the dark. I’m right there with them. I get it; we’re in this together. I’m proud of them and inspired by them. I can’t wait to see what they create next.

From the outside it might feel foolish to upset the apple cart, to take our perfectly fine lives and chuck it all for a more authentic, original dream. But I know we’re all right in taking this route. The truly crazy, risky path is to stay in place. Fear is a healthy, helpful feeling to have so long as we have enough courage to put that fear aside and keep going. I’m all for continuous re-invention. It keeps life interesting and regret at bay.

celebration, change, community, discovery, experience, friendship

Step 217: 5 Ways the World Seems Small to Me

Christa Avampato

“”It was crazy how small the world truly was. It was a matter of opening up to it.” ~Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin

My niece, Lorelei, could spend an entire afternoon singing “It’s a Small World.” She lives in Florida and when my sister and brother-in-law take her to Disney World (which happens often), she immediately asks to go on that ride. She loves all of the music, the different scenes, and the boat ride. For my niece and her generation, the world is small and growing smaller all the time.

The quote above from Let the Great World Spin, a remarkable read that I highly recommend, got me to thinking about all of my own small world examples. It still amazes me that in a city of millions, the many circles I run in merge and overlap so often. Some fun examples:

1.) My friend, Amanda, found me through my blog after we went to Penn together (graduated the same year) and lived in the same city (D.C.) for two years. I probably saw her out in the world countless times, though our writing actually lead us to one another. Our friend, Sara, found me through a mutual friend and as it turned out she lived in D.C. at the same time Amanda and I lived there, and her and Amanda have remarkably similar circumstances in their personal lives.

2.) People have a habit of recurring in my life. Even separated by many miles and years, old friends pop up in the most unlikely places and I always laugh when I learn that our paths have run so close together without even knowing it. My favorite of these is my friend, Jeff, who shows up as my little guardian angel right when I need him most – for example, when I’m job hunting (he helped start my career in professional theatre) or completely lost in Amsterdam (I ran into him on street corner when completely at my wit’s end.) We barely talk between those instances and yet it he never feels like a stranger to me.

3.) Twitter, Facebook, and blogs of every variety make it easy to find out pack. I love that geography no longer limits the relationships to begin, build, and keep. Let people talk about information overload – for us information junkies, Twitter creates a dream-come-true candy store.

4.) Books build bridges across time and space. I love that the writing of people who lived centuries before me have stories that resonate with me. And I feel such a gratitude toward them for writing it all down. Those experiences keep me writing, in the hopes that centuries from now someone may read something I wrote and think “here’s a person who gets me.”

5.) I love confluence and synchronicity. I love the feeling that rises up when something unexpected happens to me and I understand why. Steve Jobs said that we only understand our lives and how they unfold by looking backward. I agree. When I reflect on my own history, even when it seemed so random in the moment, a reason for every circumstance always appears clear as day. This realization makes tough times easier to manage.

What experiences make you feel like we live in a small (or big, as the case may be) world?

friendship, relationships, success

Step 203: Get a Buddy

Christa Avampato

Nutrition experts have long extolled the positive benefits of having a buddy to encourage us to stick to healthy eating and exercise habits. Many scientific studies show that a group (even as small as 2 people) that agrees to lose weight and get healthy together has a far greater chance to get and stay healthy. So why not get a buddy for just about everything we want to achieve?

I thought about this idea yesterday when I received an email from a friend of mine whom I met through my yoga teacher training. She has been wanting to do daily meditation and pranayama (breath work), and has had a tough time getting motivated. She asked me if I’d be her meditation buddy and I gladly accepted.

In January 2009 I became very interested in starting my own business, and though I have many friends who are also interested in this endeavor, most have not taken the plunge just yet. I needed to get out there and meet some other would-be entrepreneurs so I started writing a column about entrepreneurship for Examiner.com. In 15 months I wrote 125 columns, most of them featuring start-ups. A collection of 27 of those stories became my first e-book, Hope in Progress. That group of entrepreneurs became my de-facto start-up buddies, people who inspired to get in gear, and they did. I founded Compass Yoga, my own yoga instruction business, in May.

Buddies have taken root in other areas of my life, too. I have writing buddies who inspire me and my writing. I’ve had job search buddies and apartment hunt buddies (you need these in NYC with this rental market!). Buddies have also come to my aid on Innovation Station, my extracurricular education program for middle school students. When I think of the areas of my life where I found the most success, in each I had a buddy.

So where else could I use a buddy these days? Certainly as I ramp up for my first gig as a college professor at LIM College next month. Today I learned about Sprouter, a new online community for entrepreneurs who have just launched – an area where I’d like to connect with other new start-ups. As I’ve gotten more interested in new technology, I started looking for some offline communities in this space. Digital Dumbo is a group of like-minded individuals who are working to make Brooklyn into the next Silicon Valley. I’m attending my first Digital event next Thursday.

What areas of your life could use a buddy?

friendship, yoga

Step 108: The Tough Side of Being True to Yourself

Christa Avampato

“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can take the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.” ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Johanna, one of my yoga teachers, frequently talks to us about obstacles. Tight hamstrings, a lack of patience, distractions of the mind that impede our focus. For a while those inner obstacles will allow themselves to be ignored, but the longer we refuse to recognize them, the more angry they get until they are unbearable. As Johanna explained to us, they will eventually become so tired of being ignored that they will flare up in our lives in ways that force us to acknowledge and deal with them. “So hand them a rose and say, ‘I see you’,” Johanna counsels us.

This is hard stuff. We want to believe that obstacles are just things we can plow right through if we’re truly strong people. And so when the obstacles bog us down, we beat ourselves up. We say things like “this shouldn’t bother me” or “I should just get over it” or “I’ll just let it go because it doesn’t really matter”. Johanna made me wonder if we might be better served to acknowledge something that is distracting or bothering us with a simple “I see you. I understand you. You’re here to teach me something.”

I’m not sure how Johanna does this, but she always addresses an issue I’m having in my life at the most timely moment and her wisdom is powerful. This weekend a friend of mine tried to get me to do something I knew I just couldn’t do and still remain true to myself. He wanted me to publish an interview in my Examiner column about a friend of his, and the profile just didn’t fit with the purpose of my column which is to inspire would-be entrepreneurs to start their own businesses. In the past I would have just published the piece, even though I knew it wasn’t something I could be proud of, because I wouldn’t want a friend to be angry with me. When I told him that the piece didn’t fit with the focus of my column and I apologized for not being able to run it, he sent me back an email that really hurt my feelings. I felt “up against it” as Johanna would say. I was really angry. And rather than just rolling over, I held my ground. I acknowledged the anger and said, “I see you. I understand you. I know I need to stand up to my friend in order to be true to myself, and I will do just that.”

And then a funny thing happened. Rather than still feeling angry or hurt my friend, I felt a release. I have an issue with creating and maintaining boundaries. In the past, I’ve allowed people in my personal life to push me around and this behavior has hurt me for many years. Setting boundaries and sticking to them in my personal life is very hard for me. “Old habits die hard,” Brian tells me consistently. I really wanted to do something that would prevent my friend from being angry with me, but I couldn’t do that and still be authentic. And if I do nothing else, I have to be true to who I am and put work out into the world that I am proud of. Anyone who asks me to compromise that isn’t really a friend at all. And that’s a hard truth to accept, but I’m trying.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here.