Category: friendship

friendship, Life, love, relationships, stress, work, youth

Beautiful: How to Survive a Quarter Life Crisis

Christa Avampato

I am a trendsetter – I was having a quarter life crisis long before it was in fashion. 25 year olds, I hear you. I know exactly how it feels to be sitting at your desk that you busted your ass to get by working hard in school and plunging yourself deep into student loan debt, and be haunted by the thought, “Is this it?” (For the record, there are plenty of people of all ages in companies large and small who are thinking the exact same thing and they don’t have any answers wiser than yours.)

Now that you’re 3 years out of college, you may have officially established a fair amount of distance from a friend circle that is literally next door. People get busy. They change. And sometimes we don’t change with them. This is an awful truth about aging of any degree. Times change us.

Maybe you’re in a great relationship, a bad relationship, or no relationship at all. Unfortunately, we’re bombarded in our society by images of happy couples that have no problems and are eternally in love, expect of course in all of the tabloids that we can’t get away from that show love is miserable for everyone. Either way, we’re getting really ugly messages about love and they’re causing us to have unrealistic and harmful expectations, both good and bad, of ourselves and others. In 37 years, this is what I’ve learned about love: we can only expect to get what we give freely.

Add all of this up – the job, the friends, the relationship – and who wouldn’t have a quarter life crisis?

I’ve got one magic bullet for you and you’re not going to like it but it got me through my quarter life crisis (and my 1/3 life crisis, for that matter) and I hope it helps you, too. Stop everything. Put aside your work, friends, relationships, family, bills, responsibilities, worries, disappointments, and fears for 5 minutes every day. Close your eyes, one hand on the heart, one hand on the belly. Breathe so loud in and out through your nose that you drown out the noise of your brain. Get lost in your breath and the absolute f’ing miracle that is you.  

Your parents, friends, teachers, the media, and even our President have told you can do anything you want to do. They told you that you can be anything you want to be. And you can, but here’s the part they didn’t tell you – no one is going to make it happen for you. You have to make it happen for you. Don’t bet on someone else to help you get the life you want. Betting on yourself is a much better bet. You can create it with your own two hands. And that process begins by slowing down.

I know this is not the answer you wanted. It’s certainly not the answer I wanted because it was going to take too long, be too hard, and no one seemed to be willing to guarantee results for me. But I tried everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else, and it didn’t work. Peace is a daily process; we must constantly tend to it and the only thing that makes that possible is to go in, slow down, and listen to our breath and the beat of our hearts. It’s still the only thing that works for me even today, many years post quarter life.

From one quarter life crisis survivor to another, just try it. Try it for a week. See how it feels. And if you’ve got questions, contact me. Seriously. I want to hear from you and I want to help.

beauty, friendship, nature, New York, New York City

Beautiful: In New York, We Are Stars to Each Other

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest
From Pinterest

I had dinner with my friend, Amanda, on Wednesday night. Though we are people who love and crave time in the natural world, we both made the decision to live in New York City for its cultural diversity and creative opportunities. Still, in these bleak months of winter with its heavy gray skies and meager hours of sunlight, my thoughts often turn to a different kind of life in a different kind of place that involves more trees and less concrete. You can take the girl off the farm, but that doesn’t mean you can make her forget its wonders.

Amanda and I talked about how much we miss the stars. While in New York City, you’ll gaze up at the sky to catch a glimpse of a handful of sparkly specks. Get out of the reach of the city lights and we are reminded that there is a galaxy with an infinite number of stars nestled into the darkness. I miss those stars; I miss the awe that they inspire and the perspective they provide. How can I have all the richness of the New York experience and still gaze at the stars? Is it possible to have both?

I thought a lot about this conversation as I wound my way from New York’s Little India to Times Square to catch the subway home. In a city like New York that has so few stars in the sky by which to navigate, we have to look for the stars among the people around us like my friend, Amanda.

While I miss those twinkling lights that I’ll never reach way up high, there’s something really precious and beautiful about being able to know and love the stars who light our way at ground level. We have to be one another’s True North.

Christmas, family, friendship, holiday

Leap: Your Presence at Christmas

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest
From Pinterest

Today there is so much emphasis on presents. My focus is on presence – mine and that of all the beautiful people around me. Wishing you a day filled with everyone and everything that makes you happy.

choices, friendship, inspiration, time

Leap: Take Up the Call

Christa Avampato

My friend, Amanda, recently posted this photo on her Facebook wall. I can’t think of a better piece of life advice than this. I printed it out and hung it at my desk, right next to Amanda’s quote that reads “We who are committed to living authentic lives need to cheer each other on….”

Consider this post my way to pay forward Amanda’s advice. Close your eyes. Hear that distant roar? It’s the sound of me cheering you on along your own joyful journey. It’s the wild and wonderful call to your spirit saying, “You can do this! Don’t delay. Don’t back down. Don’t give up. THIS is your moment.”

choices, friendship, time, to-do lists

Leap: “Busy” is a State You Choose

Christa Avampato
Does your calendar make you feel like this? From Pinterest.

I recently had an odd turn with a friend and her frantically busy calendar.

She wanted to introduce me to someone and thought a brunch was the best way to do it. After tentatively choosing a date to run by the person she wanted me to meet, I didn’t hear back from her for over 2 weeks so when another friend suggested getting together for that same day, I took her up on the offer. I figured something must have gone awry with the brunch. My friend constantly tells me how “busy” she is and her busy-ness must have gotten the best of her this time.

When she finally did get back to me 2 days before the brunch to say it was on, I had to tell her that I made other plans since I didn’t hear from her for 2 weeks. Her response? “I can’t believe you did that! I spent a lot of time organizing this brunch and quite frankly I could have put that time toward something more valuable. I am a very busy person and if you make plans with me you need to be mindful of that!” When I explained my thought process and apologized for not being able to make it, she blew up and several other nastygrams about how busy she is flew into my inbox. The intensity of her angry response was rather disturbing, and to be honest, weird.

That same day, my dear yogi friend Cyndie sent me this brilliant article – The Busy Trap by Tim Kreider. Sychronisity is a beautiful thing. I laughed out loud at his observations about the state of being busy, our simultaneous loathing and pursuit of it. He practically quotes word for word conversations I’ve had with friends about being busy. Tim talks about his decision to choose time over money, to decidedly be less busy for the sake of creating more space in his life. He also talks very honestly of having to give up friendships with people who just didn’t have time for friendship because they chose instead to be busy.

Leading a fulfilling life doesn’t require a calendar that’s filled to capacity. It is possible to be fulfilled without being completely full. And it is possible to be productive without being worn down. Being busy and being free are choices. We make them every day.

My friend relishes her packed calendar and she wants everyone to know it. It increases her self-worth to be constantly busy and rarely available, and that’s okay. It’s just not the way I wish to live, and like Tim, this is not the kind of thinking I value in others. So she went on her (busy) way, and I went mine. And I gained a valuable insight in the process: I’d rather have a life that’s rich with people I love and the time to see them rather than one overrun by to-do lists and back-to-back-to-back appointments. Time to make some room for, well, nothing in particular.

change, friendship, home, moving, relationships, social media, social network

Leap: Social Media Provides Us With Room To Move

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest

As I think more about my potential move to a new city in the coming year, I realize how much freedom social media provides. I’m able to connect with friends and friends of friends to ask questions about potential new homes. And when I do make a decision of where to move, I don’t need to feel like I’m leaving behind my friends in NYC. I won’t see them as often in person but we will still be close with the lines of social networks drawn between us. I also remember that a number of people whom I consider good friends are people I know through this blog and other channels. I talk to many of them daily in one way or another.

This ability to make and keep connections over long distances makes moving easier than it’s ever been before. Moving to a new city doesn’t need to feel isolating or lonely, even while we are in the process of reestablishing our physical social lives. These reflections make a move from New York a less scary proposition, an exciting new possibility, and they open the way for options that I never would have considered before. As the world gets smaller, individual opportunities expand.

dating, friendship, relationships

Leap: We Matter in the Lives of Others

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest

“We don’t set out to save the world; we set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people’s hearts.” ~ Pema Chodron

Some people have an incredible ability to be one person and pretend to be another.

In an unusual twist for me this weekend, I learned this lesson the hard way and a relationship that has been a part of my life in a variety of forms for many years crumbled away in a matter of minutes. It’s hard to get me down but these kinds of turns really set me spinning. I always expect people to be who they are, and it still surprises me when they aren’t. I let myself have a day to feel that sadness and loss for what it is – terrible.

I woke up this morning with a vivid realization – we have an enormous responsibility to one another because our actions have such a profound effect on the lives of those around us. Kindness is such an under-rated quality and yet, in the end, it’s the one that really matters because it can change the course of someone’s life.

Let’s be good to each other. Let’s be exactly who are because other people are counting on us.

friendship, SXSW, yoga

Leap: It Took a Generous Village to Get Me to SXSW 2012

Christa Avampato

“My friends are my estate.” ~ Emily Dickinson

I had a blast as a presenter at SXSW Interactive 2011. Because of the financial and time costs of my big trip to India this year, I decided not to attend SXSW 2012.  However, the Universe had other plans to get me my cake and a giant fork to eat it, too.

It took a fantastically generous group of people to get the job done, but it happened. Next month, I’m heading back to Austin to teach yoga, to extol its incredible benefits to the tech community I love being a part of, and of course to keep it weird.

The incredible Ari Stiles, founder of the SXSW yoga movement, didn’t give a hoot about my plans to not attend SXSW Interactive this year. She invited me to teach with her and secured my badge for the event. I told her I just didn’t know if I’d be able to attend but I’d think about it and get back to her as the event’s date drew closer. She sent me an email with a smiley face. I think that was her very Austin way of saying, “See you in March.”

A few weeks alter, during a pep talk with my friend, Poornima, I was offered the next sign on my SXSW 2012 journey. “Christa, don’t count out SXSW yet. It’s a great place for you to network for Compass. What better place is there to find partners and supporters?” She had a point. The light started to break through the clouds.

A few days later, I had dinner with another supportive friend about my long-shot possibility of going to SXSW 2012. Like Ari, she gave me a wide smile and offered to help in a big way. She saw to it that I would have a great place to stay that was conveniently located near the Convention Center where SXSW takes place. No car, shuttle, or bike required.

And then there’s Rob, one of my extraordinarily gifted partners in crime at Compass Yoga, who, when I explained Ari and Col’s generosity along with Poornima’s advice, said in a very matter-of-fact manner, “Let’s see if we can get you there for free. I’ll take care of your plane ticket as my contribution to Compass.” I about fell on the floor.

The Universe won – I had run out of excuses. There must be something waiting in Austin for me, just around the bend. A message I need to hear, a person I need to meet, an idea I need to take up in pursuit of my own dream to transform healthcare as we know it into a humane, socially conscious, and efficient system that believes that the surest way to better health is through personal empowerment. Austin, I’ll be seeing you next month thanks to the efforts of these 4 wonderful people whom I’m so blessed to know, and beyond blessed to call my friends.

I’ll find a way to pay forward all this generosity. In the meantime, if you’re at SXSW, stop by and get your yoga on:

Friday, March 9th from 2:00pm – 3:00pm – core conversation composed of mini private sessions tailored to you
March 9th – March 13th, 9:30am – 10:30am – group classes

Connect to me on SXSocial – click here.

China, commitment, friendship, teaching, writing, yoga

Beginning: Commitment Gives Rise to Capability

Christa Avampato

“Capable people carry two brushes.” ~ Chinese Proverb

My friend, Allan, recently asked me to review an email he was sending off to an alumni contact regarding his job search. Allan had a lot of wonderful content in the email and I just brushed up the grammar and phrasing a bit. Allan’s response: “Brush is important. In Chinese, we call capable people someone with two brushes.” I’m guessing that this proverb must come from Chinese art in relation to calligraphy or oil painting. I love the elegance and power that it packs in a few simple words. All of Allan’s communications are like that – he is a product of his culture.

Work ethic
Allan is job searching after recently completing his second masters degree. I think of myself as productive, though his diligence and work ethic put mine to shame. I’ve never seen someone be able to sit and study for such a long stretch of time. He literally boggles my mind. I’m certain he is someone who always carries two brushes, and perhaps a third, just to be on the safe side.

Beijing to Charlottesville
Allan landed in scenic Charlottesville, VA directly from Beijing, China in 2005 when he started business school with me at the Darden School at the University of Virginia. He’d been to the U.S. for a few days once before (Chicago, if memory serves), and beyond that had never lived in an English-speaking country. His bravery to leave behind everything he knew to pursue his education and career aspirations (in a foreign language, which he speaks better than many Americans I know!) is a constant reminder to me of the power and magic that is born from commitment. We were in the same section at Darden so he was one of the very first people I met in Charlottesville. We were fast friends and remain so 6 years later despite hectic careers and lives.

How I started writing every day
I’ve actually never given Allan the full credit he deserves in my writing life. 3 years ago we went to dinner and Allan pulled out a copy of an excel chart that he had created that tracked the productivity of my writing on this blog as a percentage. During my first year of blogging, I posted often but not every day. Allan was really excited to see my productivity consistently around 90%; I was not. If I could be at 90%, then why couldn’t I be at 100%? Seeing those numbers in black and white spurred me to commit to writing and publishing every day for a year, just to see if I could do it. I’ve been writing every day for the past 3 years and now I couldn’t imagine not writing every day.

Embracing commitment
This was a poignant example in my own life of the power and magic of commitment. Practice made me a stronger, more confident writer. I used to think of being committed as being tied down, as being unable to change and grow. I was worried that if I committed, I’d regret the choices I made and then be trapped with a life I didn’t want. Now, I realize just how freeing and joyful thoughtful commitment can be.

Once I saw how much I gained from being a committed writer, I started to make other commitments in my life that have yielded amazing transformations. I committed to my yoga practice, which led to the creation of Compass Yoga. My relationships became more profound. New York City became my home. I adopted my rescue pup, Phineas. All of these changes gave me more happiness and they all found their roots in commitment. Doubling down on what mattered and letting go of what didn’t serve brought so much joy to my life that my only regret is that I didn’t learn this lesson sooner. It took me a long time to be ready for this truth: the right commitment breeds happiness.

I guess it is really true that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. My thanks to Allan and to commitment itself for serving as 2 of my greatest teachers.

cooking, eating, family, food, friendship

Beginning: The Healing Story of Eating

Christa Avampato

The Reagan dinner table from the CBS hit show Blue Bloods. The dinner table scenes have been hailed as the best part of the show.
“People are at their best when they eat together.” ~ Matthew Sanford

I heard Matthew Sanford speak at the Yoga Journal Conference in New York this past weekend. I recently finished up his book Waking, about the car accident that left him paralyzed at age 13 and his yogic path that truly created his healing process. Matthew talks about how much he wanted to eat and how much he missed the act of eating in the early days of his physical recovery after the accident. His simple statement above really touched me so deeply – togetherness is the very best part of cooking, eating, and food in general.

In the past few months, I’ve started to cook more often. Every week, I take a few simple recipes, make my list, and take myself over to my local Whole Foods to gather the key ingredients. I’ve also had more people over to my tiny apartment to share a meal. My friends feel so grateful though they all always say, “You don’t need to go to any trouble for me.” It’s actually no trouble at all. It’s a joy for me to cook for them. In Matthew Sanford’s words, “It is a healing story.”

Food brings us together, and together, all healing is possible. Bon appetit! Mangia! Enjoy!