Category: friendship

failure, food, friendship

When failure leads to friendship

Christa Avampato

I have a long list of subjects to write about with everything that is happening in the world at this moment. But I’m taking a little pause tonight to talk about a very simple subject, and one that is so crucial to getting through the times we’re all finding these days: friendship.


I was part of a team today working on a local charity fundraiser. I was to be the big finale – the chocolate fountain. I got the fountain from my mom and got started about an hour and a half in advance. It was melting just fine though not flowing properly. It was too gloppy and sticky. So I added so milk to thin it out. Bad idea. It turned to fudge. I was so upset – this was supposed to be the finale event of the day and it was quickly becoming a disaster. (For the record, if you need to thin chocolate, you need to add a little vegetable oil, not milk.) 

Until my co-host looked at me and said – let’s take the rest of the chocolate, melt it in the microwave, put it in a nice bowl, and put it out with the dipping items. People will love it. And they did. A few people asked where the advertised fountain was, but no one much cared. They were just happy to have any kind of treat at all. Another co-host announced that the fountain had become a fondue. And everyone accepted that change just fine. 

Despite the fact that I was disappointed about the fountain, I did feel good that I had failed at my task and a co-host was able to pick me back up and help me keep going. It’s this leaning on each other, helping one another deal with our disappointments, that’s going to save us in this tough economy. We need to be joiners and supporters as much as we need to be leaders and innovators. 

I wrapped up the goopy fountain and brought it home to clean. As I was rinsing off the last of the chocolate, I began to laugh at myself – a sure sign that the disappointment had passed. And I smiled knowing that friendship had filled in the space where failure had been. 
career, friendship, relationships, work

Mixed signals

Christa Avampato

Another update from my friend, John, the extremely talented graphic designer whom I spoke about in a post last month. He’s still plugging away on his huge amount of work to get his projects off the screen and off the ground. It’s slow going, but he’s making progress. Or at least he was until today. And his story from today is a good example of why alignment matters. (Regardless of what John McCain says, I’ve never seen two mavericks make a good team.)


John has been working away on his enormous projects for several clients. On occasion he needs sign-off from his boss (let’s call him Tom) and his boss’s boss (let’s call her Barb). Trouble is that those two aren’t aligned on the artistic direction of John’s projects. (I’m getting nervous just thinking about what’s coming next.) So today, he discovered that Barb hadn’t received some mission-critical information from Tom, who was conveniently out today – the day of the deadline. Ouch. So not only did Barb call John to find out the whereabouts of Tom, but she also gave him direction on his #1 project that was entirely contradictory to his Tom’s direction from earlier this week. 

After a flurry of emails back and forth with Tom copied on them, Tom starts to reply and put in his two cents, arguing with Barb. John was hoping to back away slowly and leave Tom and Barb to fight it out. No such luck. So while John was working away all day under Barb’s direction, Tom essentially ignored that work and did his own thing. In essence, John would have had a more productive day if he had stayed home and hid under his bed. (I’m not suggesting that that would have been a good idea – merely making the comparison to demonstrate what a complete waste of time all of John’s work was today.) 

To add insult to injury, Tom then called John to walk through his (Tom’s ideas) that he wants to present to Barb tomorrow morning with John’s help. And then, when Barb cancelled tomorrow morning’s meeting with Tom via email, Tom shouted a very loud and inappropriate expletive and proceeded to complain about Barb, wanting John’s support. Good grief – Tom needs to watch the movie Saving Private Ryan where Tom Hanks says to his soldiers, “always remember to complain up.”       

I had a bit of good counsel for John, after his long and weary day.  The line “self-preservation is a full-time occupation” kept running through my head as I listened to his story. The name of the game here is documentation, communication, and concentration. Keep track of everything that’s happening so there is a clear record of sign-offs, communicate to all parties equally so everyone has the same information, and concentrate on getting the job done that needs to get done and that John has the ability to control. It’s not easy to be Switzerland, but it John’s case it may be the only way forward.
friendship

Friendship

Christa Avampato

After 36 hours in D.C. for our second 6-month club – a semi-annual get-together with my classmates from business school – I am compelled to think about friendship on the Amtrak train home.  The power of it, the necessity of it, and what it means to call someone my friend. 

I think of friendship mostly as an energy play. A friend gives me energy, makes my life a richer, larger experience. My friends are my teachers, my counselors, people I can celebrate with, cry with, laugh with. They expand my views and they help me conduct my life with grace. They spur my creativity and my ambition. 
My friends share my victories and help me bear my failures. They are an unfailing source of support and guidance. Their demographics vary as widely as their interests and geographies (and this is by design.) I am humbled by the abundance of friendship in my life. 
I’ve also been thinking about friendship in the context of these tough times we are now experiencing. We’re only going to get through this difficult economy (and the last bitter months of the George Bush presidency) if we band together. This is the hour when our ability for fostering friendship will be tested. Anyone can be a friend in good times; it’s those who can help us transform a difficult situation into a worthwhile experience that are truly worth their weight in gold. 
There is a lot of talk about hope these days and while hope is not a strategy, it is an effective tool. My friends give me hope that tomorrow will be better; that eventually, with persistent efforts, we will be stronger and wiser – together. That hope coupled with the powerful support friends provide is going to make me a better person and this world a better place to be.      
business, career, change, education, friendship, learning, work

How do you know when you’re done?

Christa Avampato

For the first time on this blog, I am writing from my Blackberry. Now that the full internet is always in my pocket, I have no excuse for not writing everday on this blog. The formatting may not be pretty, but I hope to keep the wit and insight constant despite this very tiny keyboard. Luckily I have tiny fingers. What I would really love is a peripheral full-size foldable keyboard that plugs right into my Blackberry. Maybe I need to contact the innovation head honcho at Blackberry and make that request.Now onto the topic of the day: knowing when you’re done.

With all of the demands placed on employees at work these days, it’s easy to understand how they are staying at work longer, physically and or virtually. In this economy, endless preparation is the name of the game for many. However, similar to student exam preparation, there is a point of diminishing returns. It’s similar to that old pithy line of “How can I ever miss you if you never go away?” Too much of a good thing is, well, no longer a good thing. This is true of almost everything in life, work included.

But with employees being pushed by managers in so many ways, how are we supposed to know when to call it quits? We could always do more, so how do we judge that fine line where more is less?

My dear friend, Ben, is a successful defense attorney. And because his expertise is criminal defense, he must be 100% prepared for every argument that could get thrown his way by the prosecution. Despite the fact that we recite the principle “innocent until proven guilty”, we rarely live it. I mean did anyone for a single moment believe that the “masterminds” at Bear Stearns were innocent before tried? I certainly didn’t, though I am a self-admitted hopeful cynic.

Ben has a very cool barometer of knowing when he’s done prepping for a case. It’s so good I considered stealing it as my own original thought for a very brief moment. Then I remembered I would be stealing from a highly-educated, best in class attorney who’s truly one of the most brilliant people I have ever met. Despite his humility and generosity, stealing IP from him seems unwise. And on occassion he reads this blog, so I would surely be caught. So please consider him fully-credited for this idea: prepare until your nervousness gives way to bordem. That’s the point at which all of your best thinking and lightbulb moments are exhausted.

So for today here is my own version of Letterman’s top 10 list – the top signs that I’m bored (aka – how I know when I’m just over it all):
10.) I begin to think about when I’m going to eat next
9.) I begin making multiple to-do lists in my head that have nothing to do with what’s in front of me
8.) I start humming audibly
7.) I start looking at my watch every 30 seconds
6.) I start thinking about how spot-on Tina Fey’s impression of Sarah Palin is
5.) I begin to wonder about the opportunity cost of doing what’s in front of me rather than doing something more “fun”
4.) I feel a nap coming on (even though I have chronic insomnia)
3.) Watching cartoons seems like a better use of my time
2.) Thinking I’d rather clean my bathroom than do the work in front of me.
1.) I realize I haven’t been paying attention to anything that the person in front of me has said for the past 10 minutes.

art, education, family, friendship, music, possessions, technology, wealth

Taking stock of what I’ve got

Christa Avampato

This month, Real Simple Magazine ran a column by author Merrill Markoe who wrote the books Walking In Circles Before Lying Down and The Psycho Ex Game. Hmmm…I don’t recall ever meeting her though it appears that she has her finger on the pulse of my life. Most of my ex-boyfriends aren’t psychos per say, though a few of them have turned out to be so odd in the end that I am left scratching my head, wondering what I ever saw in them. But I digress…


Merrill’s column details the fires in Malibu, California last year when she had to nearly evacuate her home and grab a few precious belongings to pack in her car. She considers what the belongings she chose to save say about her and her values. She is a deeply witty, self-deprecating writer – my favorite kind! – and her column had me thinking about what I’d take with me if I could only pack up a carload of belongings.

There are the items that must go with me without a doubt – my phone, my Mac, my external hard drive, my digital camera, my IBM laptop (merely because that machine saw me through my two years of graduate school for which I am intensely grateful), my ipod, the jewelry box my mother gave me, a handful of photographs, particularly those of my grandmother and one of my brother, sister, and I when we are all little and playing in my grandmother’s backyard. 

If there’s room, I’d stash all of my books and take them with me though if I can only have a few, I’ll take Me Talk Pretty One Day autographed by David Sedaris telling me that he’s so proud of me (though I have no idea what for), Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott, Nelson Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom, Three Cups of Tea, my autographed copy of Moving to Higher Ground by Wynton Marsalis, Dreams of My Father by (Future President) Obama, Hotspots published by Conservation International because it was signed by all of my friends there, A Reason for Hope by Jane Goodall, Women Who Run with the Wolves, Orbiting the Giant Hairball from my former boss, Bob Giampietro, who taught me how to thrive in a corporate environment, 700 Sundays by Billy Crystal, and Yoga: Poetry of the Body because one of my very favorite essays, “Winter” by Nina Zolotow, is in there. No fiction book made the cut…hmmmm…..what does that say?

I’d love to bring along my grandmother’s rocking chair and sewing machine though that may be a bit ambitious given their bulky size. I’d definitely grab the knit shawl my mom made for me for my birthday, the teddy bear I bought for my grandmother while I was in college (she sat on the couch watching TV with that teddy bear every day up until she passed away because she said it made her feel less lonely.) I’d take the heart-shaped ornament with the word “Sister” inscribed on it, given to me by my sister at her wedding.

My Snoopy Snowcone Machine, in the original box, is a must-have as is a framed painting of a woman dancing with a rose given to me by Kaye Ballard. I’d also snatch the two water colors I purchased in Prague just after September 11th on my first trip to Europe. My poster of Sunset Boulevard signed by Petula Clark needs to come with me, as does the watercolor I painted that is a replica of the last greeting card my grandmother sent to me before she passed away. 

Cruising into my kitchen, I’d snag my crockpot, deluxe blender / food processor, and two magnets that read “Be Nice or Leave. – Thank You” and “Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere” (A classic!). Everything else can stay. 

Bathroom – not much I’d salvage in here except my Sonicare toothbrush, my Dr. Greenfingers First Aid Kit, the purple vase from my dear friend, Blair, and my birth control (that stuff is EXPENSIVE!)

On my way out the door, I’d grab my black leather jacket, the purse my mom made for me that earns me a multitude of compliments every time I use it, a scarf my friend, Amy, bought me in Paris, my favorite jeans, my lockbox of important papers, the Chinese silk robe given to me by Petula Clark (I’ve never worn it though it serves as a reminder to me of what a true class act that lady is), my Tibetan prayer beads that hang above my front door, my swimming goggles that I learned to swim in just after my 30th birthday, the tiny birdhouse wind chime my mom gave me when I was in college, and the Coach leather bag I take to work everyday. And three more pieces of art – one of orca whales that I purchased on a solo trip to Alaska, the cloth painting I purchased in Soweto, and the painting of a monster in the forest given to me by the Crayola Factory. If there’s any more room, I’ll grab my two diplomas – the very small one from Penn and the very large one from UVA. Oh, and my passport.       

If our most prized possessions are a reflection of our values, what does this jumbled list say about me? Well, clearly there are a number of strong women who have made a significant impact on my life, particularly my mom and my grandmother. I deeply value my travels and education, and want to be surrounded by reminders of those experiences. I care about the environment. Art is a source of inspiration for me. And when it comes to appearance, I care only about the bare essentials (meaning, I’m most concerned about my teeth. These suckers were expensive and paid for by my Uncle Tom when he footed the bill for my braces. I think of him every time I look at my teeth, which is many times a day!) Technology is a big part of my life, and my life is easily transportable. I value my career. 

When I look around my apartment at what would be left after all of my favorite possessions are gone, I see some furniture, clothes, some small appliances. Though not much else, and truly all of that stuff is easily replaced for a very small amount of money. I guess I have weeded the garden of my life, stripping away nearly everything that is not essential. For one thing, I live in a 400 square foot studio. Though more importantly, I did cut back significantly on my possessions after I graduate school because I could only afford to take two car loads worth of items I could carry myself. (Movers and moving more items than that was cost-prohibitive for a recently graduated student moving to New York City without a job offer in hand.) Everything else had to find a new home in Virginia. It was an exercise in taking away all the non-essentials so the essentials could speak, and be saved. 
career, friendship, relationships

Searching within, and weeding

Christa Avampato

I just returned from a lovely dinner with my friend, Brooke. We were talking about work, relationships, politics, the economy, Tina Fey’s recent work – all the topics that are top of mind. And we talked about gardening, of sorts. 


I haven’t had a garden in many years, though I still remember the back-breaking work of constant weeding. And despite the discomfort, that weeding is critical. Or lives are the same way. Weeding out pieces that don’t support us being the best we can be, allowing those pieces that do support that cause to rise to the top. The weeding takes careful consideration, and a discerning eye. We need the proper tools and the will to repeat the job as often as necessary. It’s a way of managing short-term situations for the good of the long-term goal. 

The weeding can be painful, arduous, and time-consuming though there is no other way to move upward and onward. Some times, we have to weed out the unnecessary and get smaller in order to flourish in the days to come. The key is to not get overwhelmed, to breathe deeply, and to commit to seeing the task through to completion. And above all, be patient.  

friendship, love, relationships

Greg and Han’s wedding

Christa Avampato

I always find myself grinning from ear to ear at weddings, despite that the idea of marriage is a bit terrifying to me on a personal level. I cringe when I hear people say things like “well she’ll be able to keep him in line” or vice versa. Or “ever since he came into her life she’s a much better person.” Ick. Can you imagine? I really love who I am, and if I ever commit my life to someone, I need to love who they are naturally. I’m not interested in keeping someone in line or “improving them”, and I’m not looking for someone to do either of those things for me either. (Please note that none of those statements apply to Greg and Han, as I’ll explain in a moment.)

I spent a long weekend in Seattle to celebrate my friend, Greg’s, wedding to a wonderful lady, Han. Greg and I played together in a band very briefly in college and I lived across the hall from him for a year. I was one of a handful of college friends and was so honored to be there. They moved to Seattle very recently to begin a new adventure together in a city that is foreign to them both. I must say that the personal attention to detail during every point of the wedding was so subtle and elegant that it must have taken a mountain of work on both Greg and Han’s parts. Truly, the entire weekend was perfect. And they’re one of those incredibly rare perfect couples.

Having never been married and having most of my friends be unmarried, weddings are a bit of a mystery to me. I am always amazed, and truthfully in awe, of two people committing to one another forever in front of a crowd of people they know. I’m reminded about the advice that if you really want to do something, make sure to tell everyone you know you’re going to do it. It creates a level of accountability that you can’t establish otherwise.

I noticed something at Greg and Han’s wedding that I don’t believe I’ve ever seen to such a degree at a wedding before, and it gave me great hope for the future of marriage. Greg has a coolness about him, a sophistication. He moves and operates his life with an admirable relaxed gracefulness. And he always has. At the reception, I saw how perfectly Han’s cool factor matched and complimented Greg’s. How well they fit together naturally, not because either of them was changing the other but because they really are two halves joining with great ease. And while people say a relationship is work, it doesn’t seem to be for them. It just is.

Greg and Han gave me a great gift by asking me to share this very special experience with them in Seattle over the weekend, and they gave me an insight that is precious. I was able to bare witness to two people who were able to sift through many personalities in this world to find another, equal spirit whose mere presence makes life easier, simpler, and happier. For Greg and Han, I was able to see many, many years of being together, her sway matching his. Taking someone into your life and keeping them in your life shouldn’t be an arduous, tedious task – ever. I’m convinced now, many thanks to Greg and Han, that two people fusing their lives together can, and I believe must, be something of a magical moment, like creating music, like art. It really should be as essential and as easy as breathing.

art, books, friendship, health, music, New York City, relationships, wellness

How Ashford & Simpson showed me the way

Christa Avampato

I work out at the gym in my office building. It’s nothing glamorous but it has what I need: a precor machine, easy to use weight machines, a rower, and clean bright rooms for classes. It also has a view that reminds me every day of the preciousness of life: it overlooks the 9/11 site. Today crowds of people will be flocking to the site to pay homage to the people who spent their final moments on that site, people who are sorely missed by their families, friends, and by our city. It is a sobering reminder that every day, EVERY day, counts. 


I am now in the midst of reading Wynton Marsalis’s latest book, Moving to Higher Ground: How Jazz Can Change Your Life. I picked it up initially because I met him at Barnes & Noble during a session he was doing across from Lincoln Center, because my brother adores him, and because I was a mediocre saxophone player many moons ago.The book is incredible, and I’ll write a proper post reviewing it as soon as I’m finish reading it. I mention it here because it’s going to tie nicely into my thoughts on 9/11, right after I mention one more recent occurrence. 


My dear friend, Dan, whom I write about often and spend a good deal of time with, is the publicist for Feinstein’s at the Regency on Park and 61st. He took me to see Michael Feinstein’s Christmas show in December and on Tuesday he invited my friend, Monika, and I to see Ashford & Simpson. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun at a show. They play with such joy and love. I’m still humming Solid and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. I was dancing, shouting, clapping. I was living that music and I felt so connected to every person in that audience even though I didn’t know anyone save for Dan, Monika, and Dan’s co-worker, Danielle. We were all together, celebrating life.


After the show let out, I walked west to catch my bus home. It was a long walk and I waited a while for the bus so I had a decent amount of time to revel in my happiness. And I finally understood the premise of Wynton Marsalis’s book in a way I hadn’t understood before seeing Ashford & Simpson. I understood those feelings of gratefulness I get when I’m on the rowing machine and looking at that sad, expansive space where the Towers stood majestically watching over us for so many years. It’s that feeling of just being happy “to be”. 


The only job we have in this world, and I mean the ONLY job, is to experience joy and express it every day for as long as we have the privilege to be citizens of this world. Any art, but music in particular, is a thread to connect all of us because we all hear the same notes but they mean different things to all of us. It allows us to be the same, be different, be individuals, be a group, all together across many generations. We don’t need to know a language, wear certain clothes, or be raised a certain way to enjoy it. It’s an equal opportunity companion.


It’s in our best interest to share joy because as we share it, there’s more for us to have. Ashford & Simpson and Wynton Marsalis personify that principle and have reaped the benefits of its implementation. So sing, paint, play the trumpet, go to a show, write, love your job, garden, volunteer, run, swim, tell jokes, have a boogie break in your apartment. Spend time with interesting, fascinating, diverse people, and let them into your life in a profound way. And recognize how infinitely lucky we are to be alive at all. Just being able to walk around on this Earth and take it all in is an amazing gift.  

friendship, personality. relationships, Real Simple, relationships, simplicity, technology

iwantsandy.com

Christa Avampato

I think my mobile life is about to get more complicated. I have never had a Blackberry (or Crackberry as the case may be) before this job. It wasn’t essential to my other positions. Now with this new job, some work travel, and managing multiple cross-functional projects with tight deadlines and heavy execution components, I will need one. So here we go…


I was a little nervous because I was trying to figure out how I’d link my personal calendar and my work calendar if I have two devices. What a pain. And now I’m beginning to see that mobile applications are going to play a big role in our lives very soon. Who wants to be beholden to any single device? I want my schedule, documents, endless numbers of lists, etc. accessible 24 hours a day, wherever I am, from any device.

My friend, Ariel, constantly teases me about the fact that many times I can’t get right back to people when they leave me a message. If I take a week to return his casual phone call, I’m still hearing about it months later. Recently he joked “Christa, your social life is so active you need your own assistant.” I laughed. Sure I’ll get an assistant, as long as he or she works around my schedule, manages all of my life details with little effort on my part, and promises to never leave. Oh, and I’d like him or her to work for $0. “Ask and you shall receive,” my mother (Sandy) always says. And that’s when I met another Sandy that I think will quickly become indispensable. Real Simple Magazine introduced us. 

Sandy is a virtual assistant who emails and /or texts me any and all reminders that I set up simply by sending her an email to a special address. She has text recognition capabilities, handle calendars, to-dos, goals, contact lists. The only downside is you have to learn Sandy-eez. In order for everything to be logged correctly be Sandy – you have to speak her language and use her specific shorthand. That’s not so bad though – I mean, after all, she is keeping you completely organized for free and working 24/7 with a cheerful personality.

And the only other fix I might recommend – I’d love to be able to personalize my assistant and give him or her their own unique personality and look. Maybe that’s Sandy 2.0?   
China, economy, friendship, Olympics, simplicity

What no one tells us about China

Christa Avampato

Last night, my friend Allan and I had dinner at Barbuto, an Italian place in the West Village that I have been meaning to try for a year. Allan is going away for 6 months – off to Singapore for work. I’m a little jealous of Allan – part of me misses flying off to a new place every week. And then I remind myself that I should be careful what I wish for.


Allan is one of my dearest friends from business school. If you had to 5 people from your life who were cheering for you, you’d want Allan there. His loyalty to his friends is something to be admired. And his work ethic would leave any American student in disbelief. He got an MBA and a half out of Darden; he put the rest of us to shame. Usually Allan and I talk about books and work ad what every crazy little projects that are taking my time these days. But last night turned to the topic of romantic relationships. Allan is confused by women. I smiled. 

Allan explained to me that in China, things are not complicated. Love included. People live a simple and diligent life. In a planned economy, there isn’t all this choice that we have here in the U.S. Nothing is really all that trying. An absence of angst.

And now when I reflect back on those Olympics Games and those inspiring, creative beyond measure, ceremonies that preceded and closed them, I understand how they came to be so precise, so perfect. They were singularly focused, the entire nation. They are unencumbered by a multitude of choices and complications. 

Now, I’m not advocating for a planned economy. I’m saying that we have more to learn from the Chinese people than we ever imagined. Their creativity and their passion is built around simplicity. And the question I’m left with is I wonder if we, as Americans, could get out of our own and get focused. It might be out only hope out of so many problems that are plaguing us.