Category: forgiveness

forgiveness, learning

This just in: The power of forgiveness

Christa Avampato
Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give and get
Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give and get

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

When I was a very young theater manager, we had a member of our company who was extraordinarily difficult. He was constantly disrespectful to many people in the country, especially to my boss at the time. In front of the entire company, they had a huge confrontation and this difficult person swore at my boss and stormed out of the room. I was shocked, and angry.

A few hours later that company member came into our office and apologized to my boss. He was sincere in his apology, though I had no expectation that my boss would let him off the hook after his horrible behavior and public display. My boss shook his hand and accepted his apology. When the company member left, I turned to my boss and asked how he could so easily accept an apology after he had been so terribly treated only hours before. My boss turned to me and gave me one of the greatest lessons of my life.

“Christa, if someone has the courage to sincerely ask for my forgiveness, then the least I can do is have the courage to forgive him. Asking for forgiveness is the hardest thing we can ever do. Granting forgiveness to someone who’s hurt us is the second hardest.”

That was almost 15 years ago, and I’ve never forgotten that incident, nor the lesson that it taught me. Forgiveness, on both sides, is the domain of the strong. Let’s be strong. Let’s forgive.

animals, dogs, forgiveness, love

Inspired: A Dog’s Limitless Capacity for Love and Forgiveness

Christa Avampato
Phineas, cozy in his blanket
Phineas, cozy in his blanket

When I grow up, I hope I’m as mature as my dog, Phineas. His resilience never fails to amaze me. As a dog who was mistreated and abandoned as a puppy, he still found a way to love and trust people without hesitation. Two weeks ago, he was bit on the ear by another dog in the park. After some veterinary TLC, he marched outside for his walk the next morning with gusto to greet his neighbors, human and canine alike, in that same park without a trace of fear nor anxiety. Yesterday, we saw the dog who bit him and though he didn’t go bounding over to say hello, he also didn’t let that dog phase him one bit.

I think of all the times I stopped trusting people and held onto fear because of past hurt and betrayal. Despite the size and complexity of the human brain, dogs have us beat in matters of the heart. They figure out, in very short order, how to heal, forgive, and love again. They don’t admonish others nor themselves for mistakes and injustices. They recognize that something happened, they learn, and then they move on without the malice, anger, and disappointment that often emotionally cripples people for years. If we could follow their lead, this world would be a happier, healthier place.

forgiveness, free, future, growth

Leap: We All Need Forgiveness

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest
From Pinterest

“There is a hard law. When an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.” ~ Alan Paton

Forgiveness is the hardest task before us and yet it is the most necessary. We can’t grow or learn without it. We can’t put our best selves out into the world without it. Forgiveness is the key to fulfilling our potential.

A long time ago, I had a boss who taught me a truth about the act of forgiveness that still lives at the forefront of my mind. One of the people on our team had been very rude to him in front of a large group of people. I was furious with the team member’s behavior. My boss was clearly hurt and embarrassed and I felt the team member had been cruel, insensitive, and ungrateful for the efforts my boss put into his job.

A couple of days later this same team member came into our office. I almost threw him out but he was there to see my boss so I held my tongue. The team member quietly said how sorry he was for his behavior. My first thought was “well maybe you should state that publicly just like you did your rude comments.” My boss graciously accepted his apology and the entire exchange was over in about 30 seconds.

“That’s it?” I asked my boss once the team member left. “You’re letting him off the hook with a barely audible ‘I’m sorry’?”

“Yep,” said my boss.

“Why?” I asked. Now I was even more annoyed.

“Christa, it’s so hard to ask for forgiveness. And if someone has the courage to apologize then I should have the courage to forgive them.”

I was stunned. In that one moment he taught me everything I ever needed to learn about forgiveness. We are all capable of asking for it. We are all capable of giving it. And that exchange has the power to save us all.

forgiveness, sadness, safety, yoga

Leap: How to Forgive – A 9/11 Lesson

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese

While I was at Elena Brower’s 9/11 memorial yoga class yesterday, this quote kept running through my mind. Is it possible for us to forgive the horrific acts of 9/11, and if so, what would it take?

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do, and it’s not for lack of trying or wanting to be more forgiving. We’ve made forgiveness more difficult for ourselves because too often we think that to forgive means to forget, even though the two have no business sitting alongside one another. The past cannot be undone. We cannot unsee, unlearn, or unhear even the most painful things, even the things we wish we could erase.

But here’s the trick: we learn from all of them, particularly the ones that are difficult for us. And just because we extend forgiveness, it doesn’t mean that we forget the lessons of our pain. It doesn’t mean that we go back to the way things were before we were hurt. It doesn’t mean that we lose the right to feel loss, sorrow, or grief over the things that have harmed us. It gives us permission to feel all of this, and then some.

Forgiveness means that we give ourselves permission to carry on unburdened. We give ourselves permission to smile again, to feel joy, to part the curtains and let the light in again. Forgiveness means that we release what’s heavy and dark from our past to clear space for the blessings that are now upon us. Forgiveness isn’t about “them” and what they did; it’s about us and what we will do going forward.

family, feelings, forgiveness, growth

Beginning: A 19-year Old Lesson of Forgiveness and Healing Finds Its Way Home

Christa Avampato

“When you feel pain, question it. Why is it there and how can we heal it? The body wants to heal.” ~ Cheri Clampett

In the last few weeks, there has been an opening. A pain that’s been hidden, so deep for so long, refused to lay down any longer. It had to bubble up in me so that finally after far too long it could release. The pain asked to be looked at, considered, appreciated, and then, finally forgiven.

This reminded me of something Cheri Clampett said a few weeks ago in the therapeutic yoga teacher training at Integral Yoga Institute. Pain is our friend. It may not feel like it at first brush, but it is there to teach us. You can ignore it, medicate it, and try like heck to forget about it. It will not be dissuaded. Loyally, it will wait for you to be ready, to have the strength to meet it, sit with it, and understand it. That moment has finally arrived for me and my dad. We are ready to forgive, release, and move on.

I have known this pain a long time. In some odd and uncomfortable way, it has become a friend. It’s been my fallback and my excuse for certain circumstances in my life. “I can’t do this because my dad was like that.” And for a while that was true; it’s just not true anymore. I am healed. I am whole. And I can do anything, even if I my dad didn’t he could.

Yesterday, I wrote about my regret that I didn’t go say goodbye to my dad when he was dying. What I didn’t mention is that I was 16 at the time. I didn’t have the tools to look so much pain in the face and not crumble. I needed to grow up before that was possible, and at 16 I wasn’t grown up, not by a long shot, and I couldn’t possibly have been expected to be. It was my dad’s time to go but it wasn’t yet my time to let go. Sometimes life is like that. Sometimes our timing is just off, and in those moments we do the best we can with what we’ve got. We operate with imperfect information all the time.

In the post yesterday I spoke about yesterday lessons, the lessons that our past teaches us so that we can improve going forward. Another yesterday lesson that my father’s passing taught me had to do with forgiveness. That lesson appeared more slowly, over a very long period of time, and in fits and starts: if we’re truly sorry, then pure, true forgiveness will find us. The “I’m sorry” moment starts us down the road to healing of every kind. All we have to do is ask for it. Forgiveness is a life force in and of itself. It changes everything. And if we believe in learning, in growing, in constantly evolving, then we must believe in forgiveness, of others and even more importantly, of ourselves.

In Buddhism there is a belief that every moment provides the exact teaching we need exactly when we need it. There’s no way at 16 that I could have known how deeply it would affect me to not say goodbye to my father. And in some strange, cosmically-correct way, I think the moment came and went exactly as it was supposed to be. I know so deeply that every moment comes to pass this way, and because of this belief, I have to forgive my dad and I have to forgive myself. We were two people who were doing the best we could with what we had. And even though we didn’t get a chance to meet in the middle this time around, in our own ways, in our own now separate worlds, we are both finding our way to forgiveness – of ourselves and of one another.

family, forgiveness, relationships

Beginning: A Lesson From My Dad – The Only Advice You Can Really Take Is Your Own

Christa Avampato

In the last few months, I’ve been thinking about my father a lot. I had a very poor relationship with him and he passed away in a very unfortunate manner before I ever had the chance to build a better one with him. That was 19 years ago.

All this time later, I am still trying to make sense of it all – his own path and how it has influenced mine. The pieces are starting to come together as I make my way forward with Compass Yoga, but we have a long way to go and because he’s no longer here, I am left to figure it out on my own. Someday when it makes sense in my own mind I’ll tell you about it – why our short and sad story unfolded the way that it did and all the good that came from the hard lessons I learned along the way. Until then, I have just one lesson he taught me that plays over and over again in my mind: the only advice you can really take is your own.

People are opinionated by nature, some of us voice our opinions louder and more clearly than others. We all have the ability to judge, and we exercise that ability often. Whenever you tell someone about an idea you have or the plans you’re making, there is bound to be someone who tells you that it just isn’t possible to do what you want. And to that, my father would certainly answer those skeptics with, “I know better than you because I’m the one who’s living my life.” For a long time, I thought this was a very pompous point-of-view. Now as an adult it makes so much sense to me. Our greatest wisdom comes from within and so we are our own best coach.

Certainly we can and should listen to the advice of others, whether we want it or not, if for no other reason than the voices of the skeptics will actually help us to refine our own opinions. What my father would caution us against is allowing someone’s opinion about our choices to become our truths. The only truth you can live authentically is your own. It comes from your heart and your gut. It is prajna, that knowing beyond knowing. It can’t be articulated or justified through logic, only felt. It is calm, collected, and without end. In Sanskrit we pay tribute to it with the mantra Om Tat Sat – all that is the truth. We access it by getting quiet, and allowing it to have its wise and thoughtful say.

So on this Father’s Day, I’m not missing my father but rather working on feeling grateful for what he had to teach me for the short time I knew him. All these years later, we are still a work in progress, he and I, and slowly I am beginning to find the great value that lies hidden even within our toughest experiences. I’m working on making them mean something, and not just for me, but for the world, too.

books, diet, dreams, entertainment, film, food, forgiveness, love, movie, relationships, religion, simplicity

Step 225: The Best Way to Eat Pray Love

Christa Avampato

“In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Pleasure cannot be bargained down.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

The long-anticipated movie of a woman traveling through the world looking for delicious food, peace of mind, and love opens in theaters nationwide today. Last week I walked by a swanky home store advertising “get your Eat Pray Love scented candles here” in its windows. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love, runs an importing business with her new husband. That may explain the commercialization of the film. Still, the merchandising seems like an odd play destined for a less-than-stellar market performance, no matter how high the box office ratings are.

The sad truth is that Eat Pray Love is a well-written book, with lyrical language, rich imagery, and some important insights that, if put to good use, could actually increase people’s happiness. The problem is that it’s been so hyped that most consumers are sick to death of it. And the onslaught of book-related merchandise doesn’t help matters any.

Here’s my suggestion: don’t go to the movie at all. I’m not even sure I’d suggest you read the book at this point. You know how the story goes so it sort of takes the fun out of it. Here’s how you can really live the message of finding your own path, the issue at the heart of the story:

1.) Eat well and enjoy it. Stop mindlessly munching on whatever is within arms reach, enjoy your food with good company, and rather than beating the heck out of yourself for the calories, just exercise more

2.) Pray in your own way. I’m a spiritual person, meaning that the light that is within me honors the light that is within you. Be good to your family, your friends, and your neighbors. Stop asking what the world needs you to do, and just concentrate on doing what brings you joy. That’s where the real goodness is. Recognize that there’s something beyond the here and now, and that we are all intricately and beautifully connected. Honor that connection through service, which is at its essence a divine act.

3.) Love. Forget your past failures in love. Forget the heartache and the tears and the anger and the screwed up behaviors of people who hurt you. Get it all out in the open, let it go, and move on. There’s nothing worse that ruining our next relationship by imbuing it with the problems of the last one. I know it’s hard. I’ve had my heart broken in a million pieces more times than I can count. I’ve got a good family and good friends who help me pick up the pieces and put them back together, and I’m a better person for it, even though it was hell to go through in the first place. Keep loving. The alternative is what causes this world to be such a rough place to live – we shouldn’t make it any worse by carting around our disappointments from one relationship to the next.

And if you really want to know what Elizabeth Gilbert and her journey are all about, watch her TED talk on creativity. In 18 minutes it will inspire you to do something extraordinary, and the world could use a little more of that these days.

The image above depicts Julia Roberts as Elizabeth Gilbert in the movie Eat Pray Love, opening today nationwide. I like the sunflowers.

forgiveness, home, moving, New York City, worry

My Year of Hopefulness – Seized Engine

Christa Avampato

The movers from Flatrate Moving have arrived! Only about an hour late – though very nice guys. I’ll take late but nice; far better than on-time and cranky. They were late because they put the wrong fuel in the truck, or someone at the company did. They had to go get a Budget rental truck to complete my move. I can’t imagine how nerve-wracking it is to be a mover.

I thought I was anxious about the move because I would watch all my stuff being carted away – off to storage for two weeks – hoping I’ll see it again in some decent form. Turns out I was anxious for an entirely different reason which I only realized while talking to my sister, Weez. I was worried I’d disappoint my movers. Did I pack the boxes incorrectly? Did I not use enough tape? Did I pack too much in them. Are they going to be cursing my name and playing catch with my belongings?

As Weez pointed out, this is ridiculous, especially considering that I triple taped every box, put my initials and box numbers on at least 3 sides of each box, and set them out in numerical order. (I feel my OCD coming out.) They had their engine seize and were late – they felt badly about it; I was worried about the packing of my boxes and I felt badly about it. We worry so much about disappointing one another; as it turns out, the cure to disappointment is forgiveness and understanding – something we can all do.

One of my movers looked around at my things and said, “this is it?” “Yep, minus the lamps – I’m giving those away to goodwill this afternoon.” “Don’t worry,” he said. “We plan for everything – it will all be fine.” Were my nerves showing?

And then my landlady, Ann-Marie stopped by, to inquire about the keys, my forwarding address, etc. She gave me a hug, kissed me on the check, and wished me well. Since I’ll still be in the neighborhood, I’ll be seeing them around. She and her husband, Joe, have been very good to me, and I appreciate everything they did to help me in my transition back to NYC two years ago.

30 minutes after their arrival, the move’s almost done. The wondrous sound of packing tape are the background music for this post and it’s music to my ears; maybe my triple taping wasn’t enough. No problem though, the movers have me covered. The knots in my stomach are finally beginning to disappear.

family, forgiveness, sports

My Year of Hopefulness – Larry Fitzgerald

Christa Avampato

During the Superbowl, most fans are watching the game, shoveling own nachos, washing the nachos down with large quantities of beer, and keeping their eyes on that eye-shaped leather ball. I spent the entire Superbowl thinking about Larry Fitzgerald. 


Tiki Barber interviewed Larry Fitzgerald, the 25 year old wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals. The interview was first aired in the pre-Superbowl coverage, and then again this morning on the Today Show. In a very personal interview Fitzgerald talks about his mom’s battle with breast cancer. He and his mother were fighting shortly before she passed away and he missed the opportunity to say good-bye to her. 

Despite the fact that Tiki Barber tried to turn around the mood of the conversation, Fitzgerald was steadfast in his belief that he would always regret his lack of forgiveness for his mom. He said that it hangs over him daily. He had a hard time imagining that his mom was looking down on him and feeling proud, even though his father, a sports writer, insists that he must get over the regret and think about all of the good times they had together as a family. 

The story is a tear-jerker. I had a hard time watching it and at the same time couldn’t seem to tear myself away from it. I understand the feeling. I didn’t say good-bye to my dad even though I knew he was passing away – I just couldn’t bring myself to forgive in time to make that trek to the hospital. It took a long time to get through that — and for many years it did seem that all of my accomplishments, big and small, didn’t add up to much because I had done this horrible thing as a confused teenager. I refused to forgive in a timely fashion and then deeply regretted my actions for a very long time. So how on Earth can there be any hope in this?  

Forgiveness is a funny thing – you can’t make yourself forgive and you can’t make anyone else forgive you. Once you have it, really have it, it’s yours for life (at least for the specific reason you wish to be forgiven). It’s elusive – it doesn’t come when called, it may take a few steps toward you as you stretch out your arms to reach for it, and then it can vanish into thin air. Though if you wait patiently and tend to the other parts of your life with care, concern, and gentleness, one day forgiveness shows up on your doorstep and invites itself inside, no questions asked. 

The hardest thing we do in life is ask someone to forgive us for something we’ve done wrong. It’s a humbling experience, and I will admit that it’s one thing I’m not very good at. Larry Fitzgerald’s story gave me hope that for others out there like him, feuding with loved ones, that they will be inspired to take that difficult step toward asking for forgiveness and forgiving others. I am certain that Larry’s mother is very proud of him and has completely forgiven him for their arguments before her passing. What Larry needs to do now is forgive himself — and by sharing his story, I think forgiveness will find him.