Author: Christa Avampato

I read a quote today from Elbert Hubbard. I have no idea who this is, though I really appreciate his sentiment. “The cure for grief is motion.” I was particularly struck by this after watching the coverage of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to the U.S. and the protests by Buddhist monks in Burma. To alleviate pain, suffering, and frustration, people strike out. The grief becomes so overwhelming that containing it becomes an insurmountable task.

But there is a different kind of grief that also inspires action. I am thinking about friends of mine who want more from life. My friend, Amy, who is in town for a visit and so incredibly gifted in negotiation and passionate about peaceful resolutions to international conflicts. My friend, Rob, who saw such a need for healing in our society and such a lack of available resources for people to use in their journey to healing that he just returned to graduate school to study social work. There is grief in watching complacency when we know that was is needed in transformation.

The need for re-invention of our daily lives is a constant, and must be at the forefront of our minds all the time. So often we wait for the New Year, or our birthdays, or some other mile marker. Really what we need to do is see every day we have as a time to remake parts of our lives that we wish were different. Wishing for change is also a form of grief. We need to see every day as a call to action. Imagine a world like that….

When I think of myself in the world, I always imagine that my make-up is on perfectly, that every hair is in place, that I’ve got on just the right outfit. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window as I stroll by feeling confident and realize I am a disaster. Without fail, my hair is flipping all over the place, and I have spilled something down the length of my shirt. Lovely.

I am completely freaked out by the idea of marriage. Truly. Just looking at the word, I am beginning to feel a panic attack coming on. I love being in love, I love the idea of finding that one terrific guy who’s so fantastic that I could never imagine wanting to be with anyone else. I love imagining having a partner in life who’s supportive of even my wackiest ideas. I just can’t imagine that my sense of judgment is so amazing that I could pick, right now, the one person I’ll be happy with forever. And actually what I’m more worried about is how will he know that I’m the one he’ll be happy with forever. I’ve had relationships when I thought I found the right one, and then it seemed to fall apart for no reason at all. And it was heart-breaking, and awful, and I just don’t want to go through that again. I don’t think I can go through that again and come out of it a sane person. Or, at least these were all my fears until today when I read something that helped me start to turn the corner. Something that helped me to look at this fear with a little more courage, and say, “well, maybe you aren’t so scary after all….”

One of the columnists in the New York Times went shopping with Alice Waters at the Union Square Farmers Market. Waters is a restaurateur, chef, and advocated for supporting locally-grown agriculture. In the world of foodies, she’s legendary. She’s 63, and as the article points out, currently not in love. And then she added a really lovely comment that helped me see that marriage, or at least being in love a committed long-term relationship may not be so bad. “While not in love, she does wish she had a good pal to be in the world with.” And if in my mind I define “husband” in that way, it doesn’t seem quite so scary.

Truthfully, that is exactly what I’m looking for. I don’t need a husband to support me financially. I don’t need him to be my everything, and quite frankly, I would prefer he not be since I have many wonderful people in my life that fill a variety of roles quite well. And since I’m laying the honesty on thick in this post, I’m not 100% sure that I want children. I’m a good 50 / 50 on that one, so I’m not even looking for someone to be the ideal father-figure.

What I really want is someone I laugh with, someone who’s smart and helps me think clearly, someone who supports my crazy ideas and has fun in the process. A creative-bent would be nice. Ambitious, though doesn’t devote his entire being to his profession. It would help if he liked dogs. Scratch that – he has to like dogs. Cooking, or an interest in learning to cook would just be fantastic. And travel – I want someone who is in this world to be an adventurer. And yes, I need him to be good-looking. Sorry. I figured if I’m really going to send this wish out into the world, I might as well ask for everything I want. At the heart of it, Alice Waters is right – he needs to be a good friend to me as we figure out how to navigate this crazy world around us.

My friend, Trevin, has recently moved to New York City after many years of imaging this place as the Garden of Eden. I understand – I’ve felt that way for the six years I have been away and I love being back here. During a recent conversation I was explaining to him that I had plans for a time he suggested we meet up to hang out, and invited him to come along. I gave him fair warning about the crowd he’d be meeting to which he replied, “oh don’t worry about me, Christa. I’m a blender.” To which I just burst out laughing.

And it’s true, Trevin, like me, is a blender. I know many of other people who are not – people I would never dream of introducing to friends from other chapters of my life. When someone asks “what kind of skills do you think I need to do X job”, being a blender is never something I’ve heard someone say before.

For years I’ve been hearing lots of funny, odd, and all-too-true sayings like Trevin’s and it’s high time I wrote them down. The following is a list of those (in addition to “I’m a blender”) that stopped me in my tracks, made me laugh, and also made me think.

“Bad design will haunt you forever.” My boss loves this one, and it’s so true. So many times we think up solutions and approaches to just get by. We’re so interested in doing that we don’t spend the time designing the best possible solution. We just want something in place so we feel like we’re moving forward. For example, let’s look at the state of New Jersey highways – could there be a worse design? Look at the bridge feed from NJ Route 4 onto the GW Bridge – hideous. Who imagines going from 6 lanes to two in a 100 foot stretch?

“Learn to talk to a wall.” I used to think small talk was overrated – now I’ve learned that small talk creates big connections. I’ve been undervaluing it for far too long. Small talk builds the beginnings of life-long relationships and connected us others. Through small talk we find our place in the world.

“Prepare for peace in a time of war.” I am so mad at Sun-Tzu for writing The Art of War. I’m even more mad at the people who revere it and take it out of context. So often I feel like preparing for war is the easy part. Preparing for and building a plan for maintaining peace is the hard stuff. Any schmo can demolish a bridge; it takes a real artist to build one that holds up over the years.

“Don’t invest in things that rust.” This another one of my boss’s favorites that he lives by, truly. He had one car for 18 years. Unbelievable. And this saying extends far beyond cars. Think about all the energy that we pour into lost causes or places where we know we can’t make an impact. Eventually it rusts out, and we move on. Imagine what we could do by redirecting that energy toward things like fine wine and a good quality leather coat that only get better with age.

“Be in it for the journey.” There’s something to be said for having a goal, and something to be said for taking interesting detours. And yes, you can do both.

“Live your life spherically, in many different directions.” Ever meet someone with a one-track mind? I never understand that. I used to envy those people who could be so singularly focused, mostly because I am the anti-thesis of them. And I would get down on myself when I felt like I was flailing and all over the place. Was my exploring getting in the way of my living? And after a few years, I could look back on the journey and see how it all connected, see how having my hands in a lot of different pots gave me a richer, more interesting spirit than I would have had otherwise. And I learned that the only really direction in life is a circle.

“The hardest thing on Earth is choosing what matters.” I used to frustrate myself with all of my competing interests. For a long time I have struggled with prioritizing different areas of my life. My romantic life, school, time for me, friends, family, career. And when I read this saying I felt a huge weight being lifted off of me. I thought everyone else instantly knew what was important and what wasn’t, and then just went about their lives. It turns out that deciding between competing interests is everyone’s struggle. We’re in this together, and to help one another figure this out.

“I believe in the goodness of imagination.” No explanation needed.

I hate dirty dishes – the very thought of them makes me feel a little queasy. Probably because I worked as a dishwasher in a nursing home one summer because it was a job I could walk to from my home and I really needed the money. The only thing I hate more than dirty dishes in the sink is wasting a gorgeous day outside by doing menial, though necessary tasks around the house. Erma Bombeck said, “I hate mopping the floor. I spend all this time doing it, and then a month later I have to do it again.” I couldn’t agree more!

Today was one of those gorgeous days, and one of those days when I have a hundred menial tasks to do around my apartment. Tracking expenses, dropping off dry cleaning, cleaning my bathtub, and yes, doing today’s dishes. I just couldn’t pass up the chance for a nice long walk today. I walked 72 blocks to meet my friends, Katie and Monika, for lunch at The Cookshop. And even though there are still dishes in my sink and receipts to record in my excel spreadsheet, I just couldn’t stay inside today. I needed to get out, breathe deeply, and poke around my neighborhood Barnes and Noble for some writing inspiration. I also needed some exercise.

I saw little kids learning to play soccer in the park, dogs and their owners jogging. Friends greeting one another, and catching up. It helped me count my blessings while making up for the 500 calories I was about to consume on a yummy, sumptuous lunch. It did my heart good to see my friends, and recognize, acknowledge, and honor the happiness that is all around us, peeking out from every nook and cranny of our world. For that, yes, the dishes will wait.

The photo above is the sole property of Apple.

*The picture above can be found at http://www.edge-inc.net/images/cars/Lamborghini-I-Love-Speed.jpg.

Please forgive me if I can’t even string three French words together properly. French is one of those language I long to be able to speak. It drips with elegance and charm in a way that few other language could ever hope to do. As much as I love Spanish and Italian, which have their own incredible beauty, French has always captured my attention.

Me all have daydreams – I imagine myself sitting in some lovely little café, sipping coffee from a delicate little cup, in some incredibly chic French outfit, just out this season of course. Eating a croissant, and laughing with an adorable French man who finds me equally adorable. And then the part in the daydream when I have to say something…I imagine myself speaking French but then what comes out of my mouth is some alien language not comprehensible by any other living being. The French boy runs away, and I am left with my coffee….sad, sad story.

I went to France for a month right before starting at business school and I fell in love with it. The Sunflowers, the Eiffel Tower, the Seine, the people, the FOOD, the wine. I spent a week in Paris, two weeks volunteering with a nonprofit that rebuilds ancient architecture in Saint Victor La Coste (near Avignon), and then a week along the French Riviera. So incredible – every day was out of fairy tale book. Paris is the only other city I have ever been that made me feel the way New York make me feel – alive, free, and bubbling over with joy. Whenever I went to a restaurant or a museum or the post office, etc. I always made an effort to ask for what I wanted in French. The people I was speaking to would look at me with sad eyes and respond to me in English. I would respond in French (if I could) and they’d look at me with even sadder eyes and again respond to me in English. I love France so much that I think I am entitled to be able to learn French without any difficulties.

My friend Heather recently came to New York for a visit and stayed in my apartment. Heather went to Darden with me, and her husband Didier, is originally from France. Their children are completely bi-lingual and I marvel at their conversations. When Heather came into my very small apartment, I immediately said, “oh don’t look at the kitchen – it’s so tiny. (It literally is the size of a closet.) She immediately said, “Are you kidding me? This apartment is great – bigger than places in Paris. All apartments in France are small.”

My heart leapt with joy! Now I can imagine myself coming home to mien petite appartement, knowing that million of people in Paris are doing the exact same thing in an even smaller place than mine. If I can’t share the language with them, at the very least I can appreciate the beauty of living small.