books

Judging people by their covers

My latest blog favorite is omnivoracious.com. And it’s about – you guessed it – any topic under the sun, all centered around books and literature. They ask readers to send in pictures of their bookshelves for possible publication on their blog’s banner.

People are what they read. So I took a closer look at my own shelf.

From left to right:
Herodotus
The Smallest Majority
The Best Things to Do in New York
Running with Scissors
Leading Minds
700 Sundays
The Complete Book of Running for Women
Begging for Change
Long Walk to Freedom
The Namesake
The Tipping Point
Stumbling on Happiness
Yoga, The Poetry of the Body
A Year of Magical Thinking
The First Five Pages
A Reason for Hope
Four Noble Truths
The Elements of Style
Hard Laughter
The World According to Mr. Rogers
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
A Walk in the Woods
Einstein, The Life and Times
What I Know Now, Letters to my Younger Self
Women Who Run with the Wolves
Dreams of My Father
Bird by Bird
Oh The Places You’ll Go
John Adams
Jefferson and Monticello

To be fair to myself, I am a fan of lending out books to friends so a few key ones are missing. Though this gives a pretty well-rounded picture of who I am and what I care about. As my friend Catherine pointed out, “That’s quite an eclectic mix, miss.” And yes, it is. Fittingly for a pretty eclectic person.

So what does this shelf say about me? I am a fan of history, political, social, and personal. (It was one of my majors in undergrad.) I’m a writer, or at least aspire to be. At heart, I am still a kid. I practice yoga and am spiritual. I am a liberal. I enjoy traveling. I care about the environment. I love NYC. I care about the world and would like some insight into how to manage it. And the variety of topics, writers, and cultures says something all its own. I am searching – for truth, for inspiration, for a different, new way to see what’s around me.

And even more striking to me is what’s missing. If I take a look at all of the titles and consider the stories between their covers, they are all about hope. You won’t find one sob story among them. A decade ago, there would have been a very different mix. Maybe a little bit sadder, a little bit more lonely. A little less confident. This current stash shows great progress.

Our books are a form of self-portrait. Building these bookshelves is a good check-in, a solid way to reflect on where we are in this moment. Our books are our self-portraits.
happiness, writing

On Happiness: I’m thankful in writing

I spend some time every day being thankful. Truly. I commute to and from New Jersey and despite the fact that I love NPR, there are times when the reception goes out or I am looking to just spend some time with myself. Because of our extremely warm autumn, there are still colorful leaves on the trees – the first time I can ever remember this being the case. The yellows and oranges and red give such a warm glow to my commute. Once I turn off the highway and onto the country roads that take me to my office, I shut off the radio and just look at the trees. It’s the best part of my morning.

I am grateful and thankful today for my family and friends, for my job, for my ability to write, and for people who are actually interested in reading my writing from time to time. I am thankful for living in NYC, for my apartment, and my neighborhood. I am thankful for my education, for my curiosity, for my ability to imagine and create. I am thankful for my health and my yoga practice, and the personal freedom I have to truly control my own destiny. I am most thankful for my ability to generate and sustain happiness, to smile even when there may not be much to smile about.

The writing down of blessings helps us to be thankful, the same way writing down frustrations and disappointments helps us to bear them. The record keeping boosts our memory, helps us reflect, and yes, helps us to give thanks, loudly and often.

New York, retail, thanksgiving

On NYC: My first grown-up Thanksgiving

This year is the first time that I am ever spending Thanksgiving away from my family. They are all sunning themselves in Florida, and oddly enough, I am sunning myself on the Upper Westside of Manhattan. It’s as warm here as it is in Florida. Over 60 degrees tomorrow, and green leaves abound in Riverside Park, a.k.a my park.

While I miss the fam and their always crazy antics, I am thankful for not having to fly to my turkey this year. I’ll be able to sleep late tomorrow, watch the parade on TV (despite the fact that it rolls past me several blocks to the east – too crowded and I don’t think anyone wants me showing up on Central Park West in my jammies), and then stroll up about 10 blocks around 4pm to my friend, Lisa’s, for a lovely catered dinner devoid of stress. I have been looking forward to this for months.

The real reason I remain here at the heart of consumerism is because at 4:45am on Friday I will be surrounded by frantic shoppers at our Times Square store. To be fair, I volunteered for this, choosing the location and the time. And to be honest, I am looking forward to it. A friend at work today told me I should make it a party. Whoop it up! Have some fun! Pretend everyone in the store is my best friend. I like this idea.

Truth be told, I have never set foot in a store on Black Friday. I’m beginning to wonder if I am agoraphobic. Just thinking about the crowds is making me nervous. The idea of getting up, standing in line at an ungodly hour, all to save a few bucks makes me scratch my head. Why do people do this?

By nature I am obsessed with comparison shopping. Now being in retail, that obsession is even more heightened. It turns out that you don’t just save a few bucks on Black Friday. You save a boatload of bucks! Some of these deals are unbelievable. Plus this year there are added on-line sales that are released on Thanksgiving night. You’d think some of these places were giving it away. It’s incredible.

So while I wish I was chowing down on turkey with my lovely, though exceedingly dysfunctional, family and playing with Sebastian, my sister’s adorable daschund puppy, I’ll settle for the magic of NYC, not flying on the busiest travel day of the year, and Friday morning embedded with my fellow bargain-hunters. I’m sure that 4:45 Friday morning will be just the beginning of a long list of blog post topics from the front.

Until then, I wish you a safe, happy, and relaxing holiday wherever you find your turkey.

happiness, moving, New York, retail

On Happiness: Giving it Away

This weekend, a friend of mine moved out of her apartment of ten years. Messy roommate situation, messy subtler situation. She looked around her boxed up apartment to find almost 100 boxes, furniture in various conditions, much of her from her childhood home. She lost both her parents at a young age. She has worked so hard to get her life in order, to find her place in the world. She is one of the bravest people I know.

And even with so much courage, so much meditation on detaching herself from worldly possessions for the sake of lasting happiness, she is having a tough time letting go. Despite the fact that she is thrilled to be saving money, time, and effort by cleaning out many of these remaining remnants of her past, she is finding that letting go is in many ways just as painful as hanging on.

In the U.S., we are criticized as a nation of consumers, pack rats, too few people with too much stuff. I agree with that to an extent, except when the possessions we have really stand for a diary, a journal of where we’ve been and who’s played a part. My friend isn’t just letting of materials items; in a very really sense she is putting to rest a part of her life gone by. Giving up what’s been, what’s defined her, for the sake of what could be. It’s the gamble of a lifetime, literally.

We forget – details, events, emotions. Our minds have a wonderful way of glossing over many awful experiences, dulling the pain, or shock, or discomfort so that we can move forward. Friends and family remind us, and we keep mementos of past experiences to memorialize them. By giving away these mementos, we are not only giving away possessions, but also giving away the ability to recall the details down the road. We are losing a part of ourselves.

And we have to. We can’t possibly hang on to all of it. A lifetime holds so many things, people, occurrences. We have to assume the responsibility of editing our lives – of culling out the things that matter most from the great cumulative mass of living. It is the toughest job we will ever do. In seemingly simple acts like giving away furniture, we are choosing how to remember our lives and how to we will be remembered by others. As nice as a clean slate sounds, there is a period of mourning that happens in the cleansing.

My friend walked me to the subway Saturday afternoon after we spent a good couple of hours hashing through this idea of letting go. All I could do was give her two giant hugs, promise her my positive energy, and assure her that the next chapter would be an adventure. I am sure she walked away teary-eyed. I did, too. It’s part of the cleansing – a clean slate is on the way.

environment, green, innovation, product, retail

Innovation: Laundry minus the water

I love smart products – ones designed to fit my crazy life’s schedule, make my days a bit easier, and make me feel good while using them. For example, I don’t like house work. I do it, and the only thing I ever like about it is how it looks when I’m all done. So if a product quickly gets me through the pieces I don’t like, I’m all for it. I’ve got places to be…

Voila – Swash! P&G developed a “smoothing” spray for people like me – I’m an infamous re-wearer. I’d prefer to wear my jeans about 20 times before I wash them. I don’t because they just feel kind of used after just a couple wears. Same with heavy sweaters. With Swash I can get rid of stains, odors, and wrinkles with a few sprays of the can. No water required. And even better, the can is made of recycled aluminum and can be recycled again.

Check it out at http://www.swashitout.com

cancer, happiness, Robin Roberts, story

Making sense of a mess

There are many antecdotes that people use to comfort themselves or those they care about when something in their world goes wrong. “You’ve got to turn lemons into lemonade.” “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” “It’s a character builder.”

I was watching the news a few nights ago and Robin Roberts from Good Morning America was getting her head shaved because her hair was falling out from chemotherapy. They showed a clip of an interview with her asking her why she would subject herself to something like that on national television. And she simply said, “Because my mother taught me to make my mess my message.” So much more more powerful than making lemonade or building character.

Making your mess your message actually gives you something to do with what’s wrong with your life at the moment. That can mean cancer, a broken relationship, a lost job. You can scoop up your sorrows, however many there, however intensely they make you feel, and put them to work. And it helps you get through it, connects you to other people going through a similar situation, and helps them pull through too.
luck

How did we get here?

Luck never gives; it only lends. — Swedish proverb

Life has funny lines. They divide moments of “aha!” from “huh?”. They separate moments of magic from moments that are just a good time. And there are times when we stumble on luck, or maybe luck stumbles on us. It sticks around for a while and we think we’ve hit the jackpot. Somewhere along the line the shine dulls a bit and so ends the honeymoon period of a new venture.

This happened to me recently and I began to question whether or not I was in the right place with the right people. That familiar old flight response began to kick in, to take hold. The I took a deep breathe, kept at what I was doing, and when I finished I went home. I went to bed, woke up, and started again. There are hard days ahead; there will be tough decisions. Not everyone will be happy with the outcome.

After the honeymoon period ends, we really get down to it. Luck enters our lives, and falls away. It’s the falling away that contains the real learnings, about ourselves, about those around us. We discover our sense of commitment and loyalty. The incredible part comes when we see luck fall away and keep going in spite of it. And then it returns, as mysteriously as it left us in the first place. You have to wonder, is luck ever really there at all or is it our dedication that breeds good fortune? We aren’t giving ourselves enough credit. Rather than attributing favorable circumstance to luck, we should consider how hard we worked to get where we are.

happiness, Real Simple, self-help, Sue Monk Kidd, time

On Happiness: A Matter of Time

Some people are surprised to hear that the self-help section on a book store often has the most robust sales. Closet self-helpers like me are the reason; I am a fanatic about it. It often took me many hours to slog through accounting and finance books while I was in school. Self-help books I have been known to fly through at lightning speed.
So when the Today Show launched its most recent series, “5 ways to improve your life”, I naturally made a note of it a la David Allen, the author of “Getting things Done”, so I could check it out later. I must say the writers and researchers of the Today show are working overtime these days. About a year ago, I was becoming very disenchanted with them, though now they seem to be back on track. The information is useful – 5 ways to healthier bones, 5 ways to tone up, 5 ways to ride out the market, 5 ways to save for college, etc. In their section “5 ways to live longer”, one of the suggestions is “make the decision that your time is the most valuable thing in the world.” This, by far, is my favorite. An entire self-help book in one sentence.
I think of all the times that I hand over my time willy-nilly. I do it grudgingly on occasion, though I often treat my time as if it is entirely flexible. What if I compared my resource of time with ways I use other resources? Money, energy, my health, the love of my friends and family. I would never even dream of wasting those resources, and not in small part because those resources have a quantifiable limit. If I waste any one of them, there are dire consequences. I haven’t been thinking of my time that way on a consistent basis. Yes, I know when I am doing a project and my time is running out, then I see how precious it is. But what about my free time? Why do I give that away on a daily basis? Why do I treat it as if it is a resource in abundance rather than something precious?
The root of the problem is that I have not been looking at my time as something I truly own. It belongs to work, to my hobbies, to people in my personal life, to my community. What I need to do is flip that around. I own my time and have every ability and every right to decide how to divvy it up. It goes back to what Sue Monk Kidd wrote in The Secret Life of Bees, “The hardest thing on Earth is choosing what matters.”
And everything always comes back to this choice, this decision of how to spend time. No matter what decision I am pondering, at the root, it is all about time. Even decisions that seem to be about money or health or family. They are really based on “how much time do I have and how much of it do I want to spend on (fill in the blank)?”
This revelation is game-changing. We cannot help but live our lives differently if we begin to place an increasingly high value on the actual minutes that make up our lives. And not just those crucial moments or highlights like getting married, having a baby, graduating from school, getting a new job, buying a home, taking a vacation. Every minute – they all count. They’re all precious. They’re all unique – truly. We cannot repeat a single one of them. There is no do-over, no rewind.
I am a huge fan of Real Simple magazine, and one of their website features is wallpaper for the computer that contains a simple, brightly colored picture and an inspirational quote. On my desk top right now is one by Arthur Ashe and it seems particularly relevant to this post. “From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.” And what we give to everything we do is time. Treat it like a gift.
change, innovation, work

Workarounds

Everyday we create workarounds, conventions that help us get through the day by literally working around difficulties. Most of the time it’s safe to assume that these adjustments we make are simply things we must do get through the day, to get our jobs done, to take care of our family and friends. “Everyone does it,” we tell ourselves.

Workaround get tough when they become the default action, when we do them because it’s easier to create workarounds than it is to fix the problem that’s causing the workaround in the first place. May take a little more time, a little more money, but if we can avoid conflict, we’ll do it. No matter how confrontational people may be, it’s in our nature to avoid situations and actions that cause harm.

The problem with developing and fostering these conventions is that there is no progress in that. If a system is broken and we create a method to deal with what’s busted rather than fixing it, we get stuck. It’s as if we cannot move past this short-term solution. And then the system proceeds to get broken further until it’s so bad that we need to develop a workaround for our workaround.

One of my past employers had board meetings several times a year, scheduled well in advance. There was no process in place for preparing for these meetings. Without fail each time it was absolute mayhem scraping it all together. Everyone would end up completely frazzled, hating each other, pointing fingers at who should have done this and who should have done that. Then a few weeks would go by, follow-up would fall through the cracks, and in a few months time, the vicious cycle would repeat itself. Everyone involved developed their own workarounds to just “get by” because there was no leadership anywhere in the line. No one owned outcomes, so no one owned the process.

This isn’t just a workplace phenomena. We can apply it to our holiday shopping patterns, our summer vacation planning (or lack there of). School assignments. Our nagging to do lists. That home repair we keep meaning to make. Workaround have a nasty habit of making friends with passive aggressive behavior and procrastination, mounting into the perfect storm. Once we get used to doing workarounds, we feel we deserve some sort of recognition for our how hard we’re working and the extra care we’re taking to get our jobs done, despite the fact that the system we’re compensating for is riddled with problems.

Now think about this – channel all of the energy and effort we put into workarounds into actually fixing the system, once, so we don’t have to keep repeating the workaround and so that we can move forward. High anxiety. Discomfort. Short-term losses of some variety. Sure. Any system or process, in order to be designed right and function properly, has to take the long view.

I know that many times fixing what’s broken is more difficult than just stepping over it for now. I know it’s tough; I know you don’t want to do it because you don’t have enough time right now, nor enough money, energy, or patience. Get it done. Systems and processes don’t fix themselves; they won’t go away just because you ignore them. Eventually they will rear their ugly heads and better to deal with them while they’re small and contained rather than have to fix them once they’ve created a gangly mess down the road. Daley Carnegie said “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Just make sure what the things you’re doing will add value, real value, down the road.

change, happiness, New York

On NYC: What gets rewarded

NYC is a tough place to live. On the surface it may appear to be all fun and games. It’s not – this city and living in it is serious stuff, not for the faint of heart. People manage it in all different ways – after thinking they can hack it in the thick of it all, they grow tired and weak. Some move to a new borough, or a new state if it’s really bad. They get new roommates, a new job, new friends, new hobbies. They cry, scream, join a gym. Some just hide under the covers hoping tomorrow they will wake up in a more polite, less crowded, quieter NYC, only to be disappointed that overnight the city seems to have grown more rude, more crowded, and nosier.

And don’t forget how damn expensive it is to live here! I won’t even tell you what I pay in rent – it’s horrifying, and I have the best deal in town. I recently went to Disney World for the day with my sister, Weez, and brother-in-law, Kyle. (They live near Orlando.) You know you’ve lived in NYC too long when you think the prices for Walt Disney World concessions are cheap.

So what’s a girl to do? I’ve tried all of the strategies I listed above. I have had horrible roommates, and even more horrible bosses in years past. I tried to moving to a borough, and several other states. I got new friends, and saved my good old ones too. I’ve tried new hobbies, volunteering. I’m quite adept at hiding under the covers, and I consider myself to be an expert screamer and crier when the tension gets too much. I have never joined a gym here – I put initiation fees on par with broker fees. “Oh, please, let me give you an outrageous sum of money to have the right to pay you an even greater sum of money on a monthly basis for the privilege of being in your presence.” No thanks – I’ll take to running on the streets of NYC.

The best remedy I’ve found for surviving and ultimately coming to love NYC – keep showing up. Truly. Falling in love with this city is a long, slow, and very painful process. It takes deep commitment. It plays hard to get better than all of us combined. And it wins every time. The harder you fight its freakish, bizarre happenings, the more it will throw at you.

And then one day you turn the corner to your apartment, or fly over Manhattan to land at one of the city’s airports, and you realize there is no place in the world like your New York. You meet good people. You find that dream job. You nurture and develop hobbies that complete you. Sometimes it takes a few tries – it took me 3. And now I know I could never call another place home. It’s true that if you can make it here, you make it anywhere. Trouble is that once you’ve made it here, you’ll have a hard time wanting to make it anywhere else – you fought too hard to make this work. And just when you’re ready to throw in the towel, it relents. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, right?