Author: Christa Avampato

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist, Brian. I explained that while I’m proud of all of the personal work we’ve done that I still have so many things about myself that I want to improve, situations I’d like to handle with more grace, and areas of my life that I’d like to fix. He got quiet and said one of his magical phrases: “Let me give you a framework that I think will resonate with you. Working on yourself is a gift.” And that’s exactly what I needed to hear.

Most people never dig down into who they are. They stroll though life and get by, but don’t actually ever live. And I don’t blame them one bit – working on who we are and improving our character is the hardest work we can do because it forces us to see what we don’t like. And once we see it, we can’t unsee it. We actually have to do something about it. We have to change, and change is hard.

In the times when that work is most difficult, when we’re really looking at ourselves honestly to see ourselves in our entirety—the good, the bad, and the ugly—this kind of framework helps. It’s not easy nor comfortable for anyone to engage in self-improvement. But it’s worth it to see our grace grow. It’s worth it to see kindness and compassion trumping inferior actions. It’s worth it to hear the ego’s opinion and let it recede. We benefit from this work, and the world around us benefits, too. Everyone we come into contact with in any capacity is impacted by the work we do on ourselves. It’s the gift that keeps on giving to everyone. It’s a form of service. Yes, we’ve got to work for it, and with time and dedication it works for us, too.

So if you’re deep in the weeds of self-improvement and trying to figure out how to hack your way through the tangled jungle of fear, doubt, and frustration, just know that I’m right there with you. We can and will do this together.

“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news.” ~Anne Frank

The level of stress in my life has been on the high side recently, and this quote from Anne Frank has been a light post for me. There is always some light, somewhere. When I’m struggling, I find that light in wonderful friends who listen and support me. When I’m facing a difficult project, I look to my coworkers and collaborators to help me puzzle my way through it. (And when it’s really rough, I rely on a snuggle from Phin!) In those darker moments, the good news resides with the good people in my life. And for that, I’m always grateful.

“Don’t let your learning lead to knowledge. Let your learning lead to action.” ~Jim Rohn

A friend of mine recently asked me if she could pay me to help her rewrite her resume. Another asked me if he could pay me to help him craft a cover letter. I turned them both down. I offered to do it for nothing. I’ve been very fortunate in my life to have so many people who have helped me along my path, especially when I was down and out. I could spend my entire life paying forward those favors and it won’t ever be enough. I’ve been blessed by a lot of angels.

The knowledge I’ve gained from my many experience has given me a rich life. However, the true value of that knowledge isn’t in my ownership of it. The real value is revealed when I share it and use it to make my corner of the world a better place in the best way I know how. Take what you know and give it away. Let it be a light for others. In time it will come back to you in ways you never thought possible.

We’ve all got dark corners – in our past, present, and future. If we live long enough and fully enough, we all find misfortune in some form or another. And that misfortune becomes a part of us as much as any joy or success. The darkness has its place, too, if for nothing else than to give us empathy, compassion, and understanding for the dark corners that others have.

My wise and dear friend, Sara, helped me realize something about our darkness. Somewhere buried deep in your shadow is a false truth that you believe because of the things that have hurt you. Don’t shrug off your sadness or pain. Instead, look at it not with a stone cold stare but with gentleness and love and kindness. Ask your doubt why it’s there and what it believes about you. Are you a fraud? Are you difficult to love? Are you enough? These are the questions hidden in the shadows of our lives that lurk and pop their heads up when we least expect them and least need them—when we’re already down and out and trying to stay afloat.

Sara recently helped me uncover the questions in my shadow. While I have no answers to them yet, I now know what they are for the very first time. She gave me an amazing gift—the ability to see my shadow without flinching, shrinking, or denying its existence. My shadow and I aren’t totally comfortable with each other yet, but we’re on our way. And we’re dancing.

“It’s all messy: the hair, the bed, the words, the heart. Life.” ~William Leal

All we want is order, right? We want to be in the groove, moving easily through life with no sorrows, regrets, anxieties, or fears. If only that could be true, at least for a moment. The older I get, the more I realize that the beauty of life is in the mess of it all. We have to let others see our mess, and be willing to see, accept, and love the mess of others. We’ve got to let it all hang out if we’re going to hang together. This means being vulnerable, and here’s why that’s so important: to find the people really meant to be in our lives, we have to be able to be who we are without pretenses, without carefully constructed facades. No more hiding. No more pretending. No more guarding. Let’s open up, and create a space so safe in our corner of the world that we encourage other people to do the same. Let’s make ourselves available to be in every moment, to be present in the presence of others, to be in the mess of life instead of always trying to scrub it clean. Join me?

On Saturday, I wanted to get back to editing my novel, Where the Light Enters. I’ve left it alone for some time. I’ve been busy getting the rest of my life under control and I had a few distractions take up a lot of my headspace the past few months. Now I’m back to editing and revising. I missed Emerson Page.

I decided that I wanted to get out of the house to do this editing. I hopped on the metro and visited a number of different cafes in different neighborhoods. All of them were too crowded. I love The National Portrait Gallery’s courtyard so I stopped in there only to find a rap music event happening. After over an hour of searching, I decided to just head home to my neighborhood. I almost went right home, feeling more than slightly defeated, when I thought of Qualia Coffee, a cafe and micro roaster in my neighborhood that I’ve been meaning to visit.

Perfection! Qualia is actually much bigger inside than it looks. They brew a perfect cup of coffee and didn’t mind a bit that I sat there all afternoon. They have great art, fun music, and a number of customers working away on laptops. I learned my lesson: sometimes what we need is right in front of us if only we will open our eyes to see it.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” ~ Kahil Gabran

In one of the early chapters of my book, Where the Light Enters, I reference this quote by Kahil Gabran and found it to be even more poignant now than it was when I first decided to use it. My friend, Rachel, recently posted about the joy of sorrow and its ability to show us the depth of our emotions. Gabran’s quote gets at the same idea.

When we’re hurting all we want to do is stop hurting. We just want it to go away. Instead, what if we could find a way to be just as grateful for sorrow as we are for joy? Sorrow means that we were deeply affected, that we opened ourselves to possibility. We let ourselves be vulnerable. And that doesn’t make us sad or pathetic or weak. It makes us strong and brave and courageous.

It’s okay to care for our wounds, to be really good to ourselves in an effort toward healing so that we can again be open. It takes time but don’t spend it regretting your decision to be open and wishing away sorrow. Welcome it in. Sit with it. Learn from it. It’s got so much to teach us.

This week I felt a big energetic shift. I opened my eyes one morning and everything looked different. Overnight, something had lifted and in its place I felt only lightness. I can’t remember any dream I had that night. There wasn’t any message I received in any channel that caused a change. All I know is that I was different and the world was different and that was enough of a reason to smile. I walked to work in the cool, bright sunshine and felt nothing but grace and gratitude. It’s not easy to change our mind, but once we do we find that everything else changes, too.

Every story needs failure, especially your own. We love an underdog. We love to know a character, real or fictional, who fights his or her way back to the light. And the further they fall and the steeper their climb, the better. Maybe right now you’re failing at something. Join the club. No matter what’s happening in our lives here’s what we can count on: at least one thing, no matter how small, isn’t the way we want it to be. That’s okay. Keep reaching. Keep pulling yourself up. You’re going to stumble. There will be some serious cuts and bruises along the way. Some so serious that you think you’ll never recover. But you will. You are so much braver, so much more resilient, than you think you are. You’ll only discover this when you’re truly being tested, so take the test. I promise you that someday, maybe long into the future, you’re going to get a summit and the view is going to be more than worth it.