“If you want to understand today, you have to search yesterday.” ~ Pearl Buck
Searching yesterday is valuable, difficult work. I take it on every day because I believe so fully in the process of continuous improvement. I know and accept that I am not perfect, that I will never be perfect, and that there is always a way to do something better. This strong belief is helping me to make peace with yesterday and to lay down the heavy backpack of perfectionism. Perfection is a losing battle, and I hate losing even more than I hate imperfection.
Even with this strong belief in continuous improvement, some yesterdays have a way of gnawing at me even in my best moments. Not all yesterdays are created equal. I try to be thorough, thoughtful, and well-informed. I am the decision tree queen. I’d be willing to test my pro / con list speed and dexterity against anyone. I’ve been at this game of choice and decision-making for a very long time and for me, it’s an art.
My last yesterday with my father
So it’s sometimes especially difficult when I wish I had handled a situation from yesterday in a better way. I wish I had gone to the hospital and said good-bye to my father when I had the chance. I wish I could have swallowed my pride and my desire to be “right” – it might have saved me a lot of heartache in the aftermath. It’s not that I didn’t say good-bye to my father that bothers me so much; it’s that I made the free-willed choice to not say good-bye. I had good reasons for making that choice, though I wish I could have just laid them aside, whether they were right or wrong, and just been there with my mother to bear witness at the passing of a life that gave me life. It is my greatest and deepest regret, and with the finality of death it is something that I will never be able to do better. I can’t go back and say good-bye to my father in a better way, or for that matter, at all.
Keeping and living the lesson
The night my father died, I lost in a big way. His Holiness the Dalai Lama once said, “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” And in every day since my father passed I have tried to retain a very big yesterday lesson: when you walk away understand that you may not be able to retrace your steps.
Sometimes walking away is the best answer. Sometimes the only way you can really help someone heal is to remove yourself from the situation. Be very conscious of the downstream effects – for you and for that person – and understand that your decision in that moment has the ability to entirely alter your course going forward.
You will relive all of your yesterdays every day; act accordingly.
Published by Christa Avampato
IN BRIEF
Author, journalist, digital product manager, and licensed New York City tour guide. Creator and host of NYC's Secrets and Lies. Alumna of the University of Pennsylvania (BA), the Darden School of Business at the University of Virginia (MBA), Arizona State University (Biomimicry), and the University of Cambridge (MSt in Sustainability Leadership).
I build digital media platforms, report on urban climate resilience and biodiversity, and produce live narrative experiences that connect communities to history, nature, and place.
THE DEEP DIVE
My work centers on a single thread: building systems and stories that foster deep connection to our shared world. Across digital streaming, environmental reporting, and live civic storytelling, I design experiences that help people understand complex ideas and the environments around them.
DIGITAL PRODUCT STRATEGY & MEDIA LEADERSHIP
At Carnegie Hall, I serve as Digital Product Manager, leading product strategy, operations, and technical delivery for the video streaming platform Carnegie Hall+. I translate artistic mission into scalable, high-performance streaming architecture that reaches audiences globally. Previously, I led agile product and delivery teams across operations and compliance at American Express, managed Broadway theatrical productions and national tours, and guided strategic initiatives across cultural institutions.
ENVIRONMENTAL JOURNALISM & AUTHORSHIP
As a freelance journalist, I investigate how living systems, urban infrastructure, and human culture intersect. My reported features on urban decarbonization, biodiversity, coastal resilience, and biomimicry appear in publications including Smithsonian Magazine, The Washington Post, Mongabay, Natural History Magazine, and Foreign Policy Magazine. In fiction, I write the Emerson Page young adult novel series, alongside upcoming historical fiction and nonfiction works on New York history, mythology, and human resilience. I also write Togetherhood, a LinkedIn newsletter focused on urban ecology and community restoration, and co-host the podcast Frameworks in the Wild.
LIVE EXPERIENCE & CIVIC STORYTELLING
As a licensed New York City tour guide and live event producer, I transform urban landscapes into shared narrative encounters. I created, produce, and host NYC's Secrets and Lies, an interactive live storytelling series staged across cultural landmarks including the New York Transit Museum, the South Street Seaport Museum, and the historic tall ship Wavertree. I also design and lead site-specific walking tours exploring coastal ecology, food history, and neighborhood evolution, often with partners at Climate Week NYC and the Natural Areas Conservancy.
DOUBLE OR NOTHING MEDIA
Through my independent production studio, Double or Nothing Media, I develop ventures across media, ecology, and public history:
Digital Products & Strategy: Architecting scalable digital platforms, streaming experiences, and operational models for mission-driven institutions.
Environmental Reporting & Publications: Delivering long-form reporting, books, and newsletters grounded in climate resilience and regenerative design.
Site-Specific Live Storytelling: Producing immersive live shows and educational walking tours that engage public audiences in community history.
CONNECT
Website & Production Hub: doubleornothingmedia.com and christaavampato.com
Newsletter: Togetherhood on LinkedIn - linkedin.com/newsletters/togetherhood-7273771832221089792/
Instagram & Threads: @christarosenyc
Emerson Page Novels: emersonpagebook.wordpress.com/
View all posts by Christa Avampato
“If you want to understand today, you have to search yesterday.” ~ Pearl Buck
This is a very powerful and personal post Christa. I find myself thinking of forgiveness and acceptance… perhaps the most powerful forces of healing. And one of the most profound things we can do in our lives is offer forgiveness and acceptance to ourselves. As we can do this we are more able to offer these qualities, and healing, to others. Just some thoughts. Peace.
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Thank you, Sol. Your comment and the others on this post have prompted my post for tomorrow on forgiveness. Stay tuned..
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Christa,
Thank You.
It is a moving tribute to the relationship you enjoyed with your father.
I think you have been wanting to write it for the longest time, but such personal issues are difficult to cope with.
Therefore, I want to take this opportunity to say “bravo” for having the courage to write about such an important event in your life. It must have been an emotional moment for you, but also a moment that was like a catharsis.
We, your readers, encourage you to write such pieces more often, but only if you feel comfortable with it.
The reason is, it can help you heal and we want you to find the healing within yourself. I find there is something in common with yoga and creative writing–whatever helps us to heal is good news.
I practice meditation every day, for example, because it helps me to heal. I also write for the same reason: we share that in common.
You are so brave to have shared such a personal anecdote from your life and bless your heart for that act of courage.
You have a lot of empathy for others–that much is clear–and I think that will make you a better human being and a better teacher too.
Cheers. Live long and prosper, but I am not the Vulcan Spock.
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Thanks Archan. As tough as this writing about my dad is, I have found it to be such an act of healing. More to come, my friend. Thanks for the encouragement & support.
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Don’t be too hard on yourself… we all make mistakes and things we later regret… remember hindsight is always 20/20… but if you stay true to yourself and do what is right for you at that exact moment… there is nothing to regret later. You did what you thougt was right at the time…that’s all you can do…
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Thanks so much for the words of encoragement. The comments I got on this post have prompted my post tomorrow on the challenge and joy that is realized in forgiving ourselves. We do the best we can with what we’ve got, right?
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Christa write your father a letter saying good-bye. And please, forgive yourself – XO
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Thank you, Sonia. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post. 🙂
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Hi Christa,
This was so powerful to me, having recently lost my Dad…not for me so much as I am comfortable with having said my goodbyes to my father…I am however struggling with other issues regarding my fathers passing…I would love to be able to share this on my facebook as there are people that I know that should see this…thank you for writing this!
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Hi Susan Marie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Please feel free to share this, and any post, on FB. I write this blog about my own experiences to let people know that if they are going through circumstances like these, they are definitely not alone. Knowing we are all in this together somehow makes it all more manageable. Please know my thoughts are with you during this tough time.
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Reading this gives me such a peaceful feeling, Nan.
Dad’s death changed who I am entirely. I would never have considered a Christian college, majored in Psychology, become an educator or found the drive or desire to become active in church (and then ultimately find my career there!) if his life and the difficulties he imposed on us persisted beyond our high school days. Much of all those decisions were based in the fact that I was searching for a way to be close to the good man he was before his issues deteriorated him – the one we never knew.
He made me who I am, and so I am grateful in hindsight.
Regret never helps me, so I regret nothing. I, of course, wish I made different decisions in many instances. But I feel that regret is like a grudge that serve no valuable purpose and can often hold up growth. Dwelling on anything (good or bad) for too long can sometimes mean missing a blessing waiting to be noticed.
Always, Weez
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So beautifully said, Weez. May we always be able to see the blessings that are all around us.
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