Category: relationships

career, decision-making, design, relationships

Step 67: Making Patterns Instead of Plans

Christa Avampato

I am coming to the end of Mountains Beyond Mountains, a book about the journey of Paul Farmer, the founder of Partners in Health (PIH). PIH has been one of the biggest players in the relief efforts in Haiti because Farmer has been doing critical medical work there for decades under grueling conditions. He has given his life for the people of Haiti, and more broadly for the belief that health care is a global right of all people. He takes the stance that withholding health care from people is a violation of social justice. It’s clear from the book that Paul Farmer’s entire life, professional, personal, and spiritual, follow from this single belief. He makes things happens, and in turn for his tireless efforts, the world has also opened the way for him.

This morning I read a passage on the subway that stopped me in my tracks because it rang so true for me in my own life. “It seemed to me,” wrote author Tracy Kidder, “that he didn’t have a plan for his life so much as he had a pattern.” Many times in my life people have counseled me to get a plan, and so respecting their advice I would dutifully go off and make a plan, only to have it be sent out the window as the world repositioned me in another direction. When people ask me about my plans, personally or professionally, I’ve always felt a bit uncomfortable. I make plans; my life just doesn’t seem to follow them. This idea of creating a pattern and using it throughout our lives as we make choices and evaluate more options resonates very deeply with me. Creating and utilizing patterns seems like a much more fruitful endeavor than making plans.

So here are some of the patterns I create in my life:
1.) I like to be challenged to “think different”
2.) I thrive in environments where I have to be both creative and analytical, when I can have my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground
3.) People and relationships energize me and inspire me; I am not made to be entirely alone in solitude
4.) Having a higher purpose is important to me
5.) Vertical learning curves are fun to scale
6.) I love networking and introducing people to one another – the more I can mix it up, the better
7.) I like to find that hidden gem: a side of someone’s personality that they don’t express all the time, a new place that’s still largely unknown, or a new idea that turns widely held conceptions on their heads
8.) I resist any force that tries to put me in a certain box with a big ol’ label on it; I defy boxes and labels to even try to contain me!

If this idea of patterns resonates with you, too, I’d love to hear how they play out in your life.

friendship, relationships, work

Step 53: The Gift of Clans

Christa Avampato

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” ~Jane Howard, British actress, model and novelist

This past week, I’ve been getting emails and phone calls from so many incredible people I worked with in my former position, and it was only then that I realized the impact my work had on others. My dear friend and co-worker, Lon, sent me this message, “I’m so proud of you! You are amazing. Knock ’em dead! I’m probably not your biggest fan (cause you have so many – and then, there is always your Mother – who can beat a Mother for fan-dom?) but I’m big and you are wonderful.” How can you ever fully thank someone for that kind of support? I did a little dance of gratefulness upon seeing this email in my inbox.

Today was my first day on the new job. As I sat in meetings today and worked through the volumes of information that I need to master to get up-to-speed, I realized how exciting it is to be behind the curve, with so much learning out ahead of me, and with so many people who are excited for me to get all of this new info straight in my head. At one point, almost everyone in one of my meetings had their smartphones of some variety out on the tables, and we were all comparing different capabilities across different platforms. We talked about social media and how to provide the best possible experience for our customers. We hashed what would be cool and useful, in balance with what was possible for roll-outs phase 1, 2, and 3. This is a dream assignment, not only because I love the work, but also because I think I found a new clan to take me in this new direction of my career.

In each area of our lives, we need a clan. Among our friends, at work, in our community, in our respective hobbies and interests. We need people cheering for us, and we need people we can cheer for. A clan makes everything in life easier, and we can accomplish more as a result of them being in our lives. With social media, our clan can certainly be online in different corners of the world. On this blog, in my city, among my friends, at my yoga studio, and in each interest area that I have I feel so much love and support from my clans. And I do everything I can think of to return the tremendous gift of their care and concern.

This post today is dedicated to all the members of my clans, to tell you how much I value and appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and to underscore the sentiment that I’m standing at the ready, always, to send that support and love back at you!

love, relationships

Step 45: Love, Love, Love

Christa Avampato

Valentine’s Day. I know lots of people who hate this holiday. “Invented by Hallmark,” so they say. “Gross, canoodling couples. Every day should be Valentine’s Day. Love, yuck. Men suck. Girls are mean. And all the rest of it. Who needs it?” Me. I need it.

Valentine’s Day always keeps me looking up. I don’t have a Valentine this year, but I wish I did. Love and romance are really wonderful things to have, and I do believe that the more we truly are open to them, the easier it will be to find them. We have to be positive about love. If we have a negative attitude toward finding it, or not finding it as the case may be, we can be sure it will continue to elude us.

My friends, Jeff and Ashley, and I have a little love pact. We go out of our way to find singles events that we can all go to so that we can meet as many people as possible. Parties, mixers, events, etc. If it’s possible that we can meet new people, we bring one another along. It’s our philosophy that we never know when love will find its way to us, but we’re certain that the more we get out there into the world, the easier it will be.

In our quest for love, we need support to keep us going and looking. Maybe 2010 will be my year for love. Or at least one step closer to it. Happy Valentine’s Day.

relationships, yoga

Step 40: The Opinions of Others

Christa Avampato

“The goal of many leaders is to get people to think more highly of the leader. The goal of a great leader is to help people to think more highly of themselves.” ~ J. Carla Nortcutt

While this quote by J. Carla Nortcutt is about leadership, it applies to so many other types of relationships, too. Whenever we meet someone new, start a new job, go to our first day of class, we often think, “I hope they like me.” It’s a natural human instinct to want others to think well of us, and at time it may cause us some stress and uneasiness. What if we could ease that stress by taking Nortcutt’s advice? What if we approached new relationships with the thought, “I want to help people feel good about themselves through their interaction with me?”

In recent weeks, I’ve been approaching some new interactions this way and the results are remarkable. I’m functioning with great fluidity, and the conversations get more in-depth more quickly. I wonder how many people go through their lives wondering if their thoughts and opinions are valued and valid? How many people truly feel that they are significant?

If there is anything that yoga has taught me, it’s the simple principle of “the light that is in me honors the light that is in you.” All of you. It’s how I close every one of my classes, and how I’m approaching every interaction. We’ll see if the magic of these words can become self-sustaining.

family, history, personality, relationships

Step 15: Lugh

Christa Avampato

“Are you more like your mom or dad?” people ask me. I’d like to believe that I can choose the best of both.

Today I heard a bit about Lugh, one of the gods of the Celtic Pantheon. He is the son of Cian and Ethniu, half god, half monster. He was able to become successful because he had the good traits of each of his parents: the heart and morals of his father’s side (the gods), and the courage and self-defense abilities of his mother’s side (the monsters). With the gods being oppressed by the monsters, he joins the gods, teaches them to defend themselves, and helps them gain their freedom from the monsters. While greatly simplified, this basic outline provides a powerful example of how to choose our better history and future.

Every experience and example has the potential to be a help or a hindrance to us. Cian’s family, had good, patient hearts that lead others to dominate them. Ethniu’s family was wild and ill-willed, though exceptional warriors. Lugh could have easily adopted either example. Instead, Lugh was able to combine the warrior instincts of his mother and the good heart of his father to restore peace.

The important lesson here is Lugh’s decision to pick and choice among his historical examples and inherited traits to create something all original that allowed him to do the most good in the world. When I consider my own history and my own way forward, I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents, my earliest examples of how to be an adult in the world.

It would be easy to vilify one of my parents and deify the other. Instead, I am trying to appreciate and nurture the very best of them both as a base to build my own life from. From my mother, there is so much goodness to choose from, though not enough personal confidence. From my father, there is so much intellect and confidence to choose from, though not enough compassion and love for others.

My history is the inverse of Lugh’s, though my journey has been and will continue to be similar. In order for me to really do some good in the world, I will need the very best traits of both my parents combined. I wonder if that’s true for all of us.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here

courage, dreams, personality, psychology, relationships, writing

My Year of Hopefulness – Moments that Made My Life

Christa Avampato

My friend, Josh, over at World’s Strongest Librarian wrote a post that is so beautiful and profound that I had to share it here. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day. He talked about the defining moments of his life in terms of when they happened, how he felt about them, and what they meant to him. It’s a form that I love so much that I created my own snapshots of when. So many thanks to Josh for inspiring my writing and my life. Here goes…

When I first saw my niece, I realized why it was so important to have children in our lives.

When my heart broke, I realized that it didn’t take as long to heal and love again as I thought it would.

When he passed away, I didn’t feel as relieved as I thought I would – it was then that I started down the very long path to forgiveness.

When I crossed that finish line, realizing a dream years in the making, I was more grateful for the strength of my body than ever before.

When I decided to keep loving through the hurt, I realized that on the other side there was more love.

When I graduated, I knew at that moment that I could do anything I set my mind to.

When I looked out at the wild surf of South Africa, I realized that I had traveled very far from home and still felt like I belonged.

When I stood in front of a classroom for the first time, I had much more to offer than I ever expected.

When I chased a dream as far as I could and it still wasn’t enough to make it real, I was amazed at my resilience to just get a new dream.

When I said a final good-bye to my dear and faithful friend, I found that not everything or everyone is replaceable. Some parts of our lives and hearts can never be reclaimed, and that’s okay.

When I first put my writing out into the world for everyone to see, I found that there was a lot more support for my ideas that I ever knew and much of that support came from people I didn’t even know.

When the curtain came down and I heard the applause, I knew I had been part of something much greater than myself.

When I almost didn’t get a tomorrow, I understood how precious every moment is and that dreams can’t wait.

When I lost almost all of my belongings, I found that I didn’t really need any of them to survive and thrive and for the first time in my life I felt truly free.

When I found the courage to tell my own story, I discovered that I had the ability to inspire the same courage in others.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here.
change, future, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – I Got my Whole Future in My Hands

Christa Avampato

“Put your future in good hands – your own.” ~ Anonymous

I read this quote a few days ago on Owning Pink’s Twitter account (@Owningpink), one of my very favorite accounts to check. It is always brimming with inspiring ideas. This one spoke to me quite clearly and was just the advice I needed. Taking our future into our own hands is a brave and frightening act, though once we accept it as a way to move forward, it really can move mountains.
Today I had to have a conversation that I have been dreading for some time now. I knew it was coming and I was nervous about it. I was afraid of what the reaction of the of the other person might be and I was afraid of my tendency toward blatant honesty. How delicately did I need to plead my case? Would I have to tap dance around what I really wanted to say, playing politics, or could I just get on with it?
No surprise that I went the honesty route. I explained how I wanted my future to unfold and where I thought the best place to do my life’s work would be. And a remarkable thing happened – the very person I was frightened of, the very person who I thought would not at all support my decision, stepped up and offered his hand. This person and I have on occasion had a rough go of it. We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye. As a matter of fact we’ve butted heads so often that it’s become a habit for us. And yet, there is some kind of magic that honesty breeds. Once he understood my point-of-view, he realized that he had the opportunity to make my dream come true, or at least to help it along in a significant way. And so, he did.
Before I went to see him, I took a deep breathe, smiled, and told myself, “you can do this. Just go in there with an honest heart and say exactly what you think.” I did. He listened. And before I even had to ask for help, before I even dared to ask for help, he offered it up with a smile. All my worrying had been for naught. He asked me to think it over, and make sure that this is really the direction I want to go in. I thanked him, knowing that I’ll be back to see him tomorrow, to tell him I’m ready to build the life I imagine, to thank him for his help, and to take my life into my own hands.
celebration, friendship, love, relationships, silence

My Year of Hopefulness – The Power of Silence

Christa Avampato

“Let us love, since our heart is made for nothing else.” ~ St. Therese

I have completely lost my voice to this cold I have been fighting. I can barely eek out an audible whisper. This is especially hilarious because talking is one of my favorite activities. Truly, I’ve been known to have a very interesting conversation with a brick wall. I talk to myself in my apartment, as I’m working through problems. I have lots and lots of opinions on just about everything. And now I have been silenced.

I was in DC this weekend with a load of my business school friends for our friends’ Chris and Steph’s wedding. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a groom that happy. Seriously, if Chris’s smile was any wider his face would have cracked. It was wonderful to see someone I love so much so happy.

After the wedding and reception, my voice was really getting hoarse. The trouble with this sore throat is that it is not currently accompanied by any other symptoms. I feel fine; I just sound a little funny. Actually, I sound a lot funny. To get the blood flowing in my throat, I went to a yoga class with my friend, Julie, at 9am. I always learn so much going to a yoga class. I watch for teaching technique and I invariably learn a new pose or a new way of thinking about a pose that allows me to deepen my practice and teaching.

In Savasana, corpse pose, I was completely relaxed, or so I thought. Savasana is done at the end of virtually every yoga practice. It allows our bodies and minds to approach a meditative state after being worked through the preceding asanas. People have become so relaxed in Savasana that they’ve been known to fall into a sleep / dream state.

The teacher came around to each of us, pressing our shoulders firmly to the mat and down away from our ears. Until she did this, I didn’t realize that I was holding any tension there at all. In fact, I was scrunching up my heart a bit. With the teacher’s pressure, my heart opened with a little bit of a creak and a crack. I felt lighter. I felt a bit more love.

It is an amazing thing about silence and time with friends and yoga and the witnessing of an act of love and commitment. In the past few months, I have been shown how risky and wonderful loving with an open heart can be. I looked around at the wedding reception: at Chris and Steph, of course, and also at my friends Daphne and Eric, and Courtney and Brian, also newly married this year. Their lives are richer for having one another. There is this unspoken chemistry that just works with all of them. At some point, they must have all been a little bit scared, too, maybe afraid to keep their hearts open. Somehow, they worked through that fear and emerged happy and healthy and whole to find another person happy and healthy and whole with an open heart ready to love them.

Today I felt more certain than ever that eventually I’d find the guy for me. That creaking and cracking of my heart was symbolic of that openness I’ve been able to find in the second half of this year. In the midst of my forced silence and voluntary yoga practice, my heart and my mind came together, my mind accepting that this heart o’ mine after being put through the fire many times is now shined and polished and poised for the kind of love and commitment that so many of my friends have generously shown can work.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here.

kindness, learning, relationships, teaching

My Year of Hopefulness – Vermonty

Christa Avampato

“A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” ~ Henry B. Adams

While Mr. Adams meant for this post to be about professional teachers, I’m learning that we are all always teachers, just as we are all always students. Every moment that we’re living, we’re teaching. What we teach to others says an awful lot about who we are and the significance of our lives. Just as we get what we give, we learn what we teach. What we teach is our contribution to humanity, and this is not something to be taken lightly.

What I try to be mindful of in every moment is that every action we take, every word we say has true lasting effects that we will never know. That applies to every stranger we meet, as well as everyone in our personal and professional lives. That means every personal interaction, as well as every anonymous interaction. There is no excuse for leaving out please, thank you, and a smile. There is no excuse for not doing what we say we will do. Being polite, courteous, gracious, and follow-through will get us farther in this world than anything else.

Years later, others will still be thinking about what we said and did and how we treated them. I’d prefer they think well of me than ill of me. And sometimes that requires swallowing my pride a little bit, and not saying exactly what I think all of the time. Publilius Syrus got it right when he said, “I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.” I’ve learned that lesson many times over, the hard way. A little filter is good.

I’m not saying that this is easy to always remember or do. I try to get it as right as I can as often as I can. Sometimes I fall short and in the aftermath I feel a bit badly. I just double-down my efforts and try to do better going forward. At the same time that I accepted that we’re all lifelong teachers and students, I also gave up the pursuit of perfection – both realizations have helped enormously.

When I got into my apartment building elevator a few weeks ago, a man I’ve never met before stepped in after me. I had just gotten home from a rough day, and I wasn’t feeling particularly cheery. I could have looked down at my feet, lost in my own sad thoughts. Instead I looked up and smiled at the man in the elevator.

He smiled and asked me, “are you from Vermont?” I laughed.

“No, I’m not,” I said, “but I spent a summer there doing a theatre internship when I was in college.”

“Oh,” he said. “Are they nice there in Vermont?”

“Very,” I said.

“You just look like a very nice person. And I always associate being very nice with being from Vermont. You look very Vermonty.”

“Well, thank you,” I giggled.

“See – that’s what I mean,” he said. “So polite, those people from Vermont.”

He hopped off the elevator and bid me good night. A small interaction considering all of the interactions I had that day. I don’t know his name. He doesn’t know mine. I may never see him again. But weeks later, I’m still thinking of him. I smiled to myself. Vermonty – that’s a last impression I can live with.

career, change, choices, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – Standing on the Hinge

Christa Avampato

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~ Victor Frankl

I just finished the book Here If You Need Me, a brilliant memoir by Kate Braestrup. Kate is a writer who became a minster shortly after her husband’s death. Being a minister wasn’t her dream; it was her late husband’s dream and because he didn’t get the chance to achieve that, she offered up her own vocation for him. She is the chaplain to the game wardens of Maine, the group of brave public servants who conduct searches for people who are lost in the deep Maine woods, the person who falls through the ice, the hiker who ventures too far for too long. Their work can be dangerous and frequently ends with a tragic discovery. They need a good chaplain and they have a superb one in Kate.

The book is a fast, inspiring read. Of all the anecdotes that stand out in my mind, the most vivid in my mind is her description of her job as standing on the hinge of life. Kate is the one who waits with the families as the game wardens search for their loved ones that are lost or missing. She counsels the wardens after tragic circumstances are discovered. She stands with them in these uncomfortable, difficult moments that will come to define their lives. These are the moments that define their befores and afters.

All through the book I kept thinking about this metaphor, this hinge of life. I kept thinking about how many hinges I’ve been on lately. These moments that define my own befores and afters. Each one presents an opportunity for choice – we get to choose our attitude, our way forward, our outlook, and the learnings we take away from each experience.

September 2009 could have left a very deep scar on my heart. Instead, I had to make it a time of great learning and exploration. I had to make those days count by allowing them to teach me what’s truly important to me. They became a time of great commitment for me. Instead of being wracked by fear, I realized that I had nothing to fear because I knew I would be fine no matter what happened from here on out. I survived the perfect storm.

September was one big hinge for me and gave me the chance to recognize quite literally that the important things in life aren’t things. It taught me that I want very deep, meaningful relationships to be the core of my life. I set myself on a course to eventually write full-time. New York most certainly became my long-time home. On October 1st, I knew with certainty what I wanted from my life with a clarity I’ve never had before. And it feels great.

Hinges are difficult. They are filled with great expectations and great hesitancy. They are points of no turning back. Unless we’re people like Kate, we only get a few opportunities to stand at the hinge of our own lives. Life doesn’t offer up learnings and choices of that type of poignancy every day. And thank goodness because they can be incredibly stressful times. Though when we get the chance to stand at the edge of our lives and decide in a very profound way who we are and who we mean to be, it’s an opportunity we should approach with a grateful and open heart. After all, we will not be able to pass this way again.