Category: personality

action, choices, personality, relationships

This Just In: Let’s ditch our own BS

Christa Avampato
"I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit." ~Elizabeth Gilbert
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

I read this quote today and it really prompted me to think about my own BS. To makeĀ 2015 a revolutionary year, I’m going to have to face and blast through a false narrative that’s plagued me for too long in every aspect of my life: the concept of being enough.

For too long, I’ve remained that kid who didn’t have enough and therefore wasn’t enough. All my life I’ve allowed people to make me feel that lack of enough-ness. On the outside it might not look that way, but on the inside their words and the feelings they cause ring in my ears and heart every day. It has to end.

I write this not to elicit any kind of sympathy but as something that might help you and help the world. What we feel and do on an individual level rolls up to the human collective. I think feeling like we aren’t enough might be the very root of so many of our personal and global issues. It’s certainly the root of all of my issues.

Maybe feeling like you aren’t enough on some level is your BS, too. Maybe there’s some other personal and painful narrative that’s holding you back from the transformation you want and deserve. Let’s face all of it together. Let’s make 2015 the year we cut ties to our own BS and rise.

personality, success, SXSW

Leap: My Introvert Confessional

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest member http://pinterest.com/tia_firefly/

In our culture, snails are not considered valiant animals — we are constantly exhorting people to “come out of their shells” — but there’s a lot to be said for taking your home with you wherever you go.” ~ Susan Cain

There’s a big to-do going on in the media about having a solo life. Though I love people, I appreciate the solitude, peace, and balance of my independence. In all this reading about the virtues of flying solo, I also happened upon quite a bit of reading about introverts, a group of people I never thought of as my people. Until now.

I have a strong introvert side.

I’m learning is that it’s not the loud, crazy party I crave, but the times I spend with a few people whom I’m close to that mean the most to me. It take a tremendous amount of energy for me to get out there and be a joiner. I do it, but in my own way. I like to ease my way in, choosing my interactions wisely and my general MO is to find a person or two in a crowded room who seem friendly and approachable. Barging my way into a group to be the life of the party just isn’t my style. I always felt a bit badly about that until I recognized the power that a thoughtful, well-tended connection can create.

SXSW 2011 was no exception. This is exactly how I proceeded through the crowd that numbered over 20,000 people. I found my way one person at a time, and in the process met so many people who I’m thrilled to see again this year. I could have gone against my nature and tried to be the extreme extrovert that many festivals like this ask you to be. SXSW made it possible for me to proceed at my own pace, in my own time. Despite all the fanfare around the big parties, there’s a way to personally connect and interact with others around every corner.

On the surface this might sound surprising since the interactive festival is all about technology. On the New York City subway, people into technology are the ones so consumed by their devices that they forget how to act like human beings. At SXSW, it’s different. We love technology. We’re mildly obsessed with it, but mostly as a means to an end, to make a human contact. Here, there’s a way to carve our own path. All we need is the willingness to try.

Introverts welcomed.

personality, psychology, relationships, women, work

Step 257: 10 Scientific Findings About the Differences Between the Male and Female Brains

Christa Avampato

“Men and women have to stop blaming one another for their differences, and there really are differences.” ~ Barbara Annis

I went to a talk today with authors Barbara Annis and John Gray, leading authorities on how to get the sexes to understand one another and work together. Barbara Annis has just published the book Leadership and the Sexes, and John Gray is the author of the New York Times Bestseller Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

They uncovered some surprising research currently being conducted about the male and female brains, and then used that research to formulate strategies for men and women to use together to create better work environments. Here are the top 10 points of interest that I took away from their presentation:

1.) Under stress, women remember more details and men remember fewer details. In general, women have better memories than men. When he tells you he really doesn’t remember, he’s telling the truth!

2.) Women can speak and listen simultaneously because the capability to listen is housed in multiple areas of their brains. The male brain is better equipped to focus solely on speaking or listening because all of their listening ability is housed in one area of their brains. So the pause between his listening and speaking is legit – give him the time to process.

3.) Women are more susceptible to stress and the average woman at work experiences 2X the amount of stress that men do. To compensate women have more endurance to continue to function under stress, however this increased stress and desire to continue to perform under stress causes many health problems in women. Ladies, get to yoga class, take a walk, meditate. You need to cut your stress levels!

4.) When men feel stressed, they slow down and do less. This helps them process information during stressful times. Women actually speed up under stress and do more. This is detrimental to womenā€™s well-being. Ladies, take a tip from the guys – in times of stress, take a step back, breath, and relax.

5.) Under stress, men seek space to sort out the situation independently. Women seek understanding and turn to others when stressed. In connection, stress among men drops when they disconnect from others. Womenā€™s stress level increases when they are disconnected from other people. In times of stress, give people what they need to feel better.

6.) Men prefer to be left alone at work, and find well-being in the workplace from more responsibility and opportunity. Women have a desire to feel connected to their employers and co-workers. The #1 reason women leave corporations is not for work-life balance but because they donā€™t feel valued by their employer. Corporate America, listening is and under-rated skill and you need to encourage it among your teams.

7.) Single men take more risks than married men, and fail more as a result. However, I believe in the axioms, “nothing ventured, nothing gained” and “fortune rewards the bold.” There’s nothing wrong with calculated risk.

8.) Testosterone does not increase aggressive behavior, but lowers reaction time. Under stress, men are likely to make quicker decisions as a result. Guys, take more time with decisions when possible. You’ll be happier in the long-run.

9.) Because of lower testosterone levels, women tend to weigh consequences of actions more often than men do. Guys, consequences matter – take a bit more time with your choices.

10.) To create a better working environment, men and women have to stop blaming one another for their differences and seek to really understand one another.

These differences have their benefits and should be celebrated! We’ll all be happier and healthier as a result – we have so much to learn from one another.

personality

Step 77: The Process of Personality

Christa Avampato

I’m a little off today. Maybe it’s because I’m 34 now. Maybe it’s all of the awakening that’s happening in my yoga practice that’s making me a little loopy. Could be day light savings time is causing me some adjustments. Or the new job. Or the fact that I have a really bad sore throat for no reason at all because the rest of me feels just fine. Despite the day off yesterday, I’m exhausted today. Exhausted as in I’m finishing this post and falling into my bed, literally.

I’ve also been having this weird little sense of wanting to curl up and cocoon, which is completely out of sync with what’s happening in the rest of the world. Spring is springing, and I feel like I should be springing, except for this tiny little fact that I’m craving the sensation of being low, near to the Earth, and grounded. How is it that yesterday I felt so in tune with the world and today I don’t feel in tune with anyone or anything? What’s going on?

On the subway this morning, I began reading the Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Hindu scripture that nearly all yogis refer to in their practice in some way. In the introduction, the translator wrote the line “personality is a process.” He goes on to talk about conflicting emotions and the general conundrums of living an existence on this Earth, even though we are heavenly beings. He talks about the push-pull of living, and it appears, at least at the beginning of this reading, that the only way around this is through. We must persevere.

So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll just keep going, even though I’m confused and unsure. Many times I think that perseverance may be the one thing I know how to do well. If I trust the process, then I trust that the answers will come.

family, history, personality, relationships

Step 15: Lugh

Christa Avampato

“Are you more like your mom or dad?” people ask me. I’d like to believe that I can choose the best of both.

Today I heard a bit about Lugh, one of the gods of the Celtic Pantheon. He is the son of Cian and Ethniu, half god, half monster. He was able to become successful because he had the good traits of each of his parents: the heart and morals of his father’s side (the gods), and the courage and self-defense abilities of his mother’s side (the monsters). With the gods being oppressed by the monsters, he joins the gods, teaches them to defend themselves, and helps them gain their freedom from the monsters. While greatly simplified, this basic outline provides a powerful example of how to choose our better history and future.

Every experience and example has the potential to be a help or a hindrance to us. Cian’s family, had good, patient hearts that lead others to dominate them. Ethniu’s family was wild and ill-willed, though exceptional warriors. Lugh could have easily adopted either example. Instead, Lugh was able to combine the warrior instincts of his mother and the good heart of his father to restore peace.

The important lesson here is Lugh’s decision to pick and choice among his historical examples and inherited traits to create something all original that allowed him to do the most good in the world. When I consider my own history and my own way forward, I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents, my earliest examples of how to be an adult in the world.

It would be easy to vilify one of my parents and deify the other. Instead, I am trying to appreciate and nurture the very best of them both as a base to build my own life from. From my mother, there is so much goodness to choose from, though not enough personal confidence. From my father, there is so much intellect and confidence to choose from, though not enough compassion and love for others.

My history is the inverse of Lugh’s, though my journey has been and will continue to be similar. In order for me to really do some good in the world, I will need the very best traits of both my parents combined. I wonder if that’s true for all of us.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here

courage, dreams, personality, psychology, relationships, writing

My Year of Hopefulness – Moments that Made My Life

Christa Avampato

My friend, Josh, over at Worldā€™s Strongest Librarian wrote a post that is so beautiful and profound that I had to share it here. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day. He talked about the defining moments of his life in terms of when they happened, how he felt about them, and what they meant to him. Itā€™s a form that I love so much that I created my own snapshots of when. So many thanks to Josh for inspiring my writing and my life. Here goesā€¦

When I first saw my niece, I realized why it was so important to have children in our lives.

When my heart broke, I realized that it didnā€™t take as long to heal and love again as I thought it would.

When he passed away, I didnā€™t feel as relieved as I thought I would ā€“ it was then that I started down the very long path to forgiveness.

When I crossed that finish line, realizing a dream years in the making, I was more grateful for the strength of my body than ever before.

When I decided to keep loving through the hurt, I realized that on the other side there was more love.

When I graduated, I knew at that moment that I could do anything I set my mind to.

When I looked out at the wild surf of South Africa, I realized that I had traveled very far from home and still felt like I belonged.

When I stood in front of a classroom for the first time, I had much more to offer than I ever expected.

When I chased a dream as far as I could and it still wasnā€™t enough to make it real, I was amazed at my resilience to just get a new dream.

When I said a final good-bye to my dear and faithful friend, I found that not everything or everyone is replaceable. Some parts of our lives and hearts can never be reclaimed, and thatā€™s okay.

When I first put my writing out into the world for everyone to see, I found that there was a lot more support for my ideas that I ever knew and much of that support came from people I didnā€™t even know.

When the curtain came down and I heard the applause, I knew I had been part of something much greater than myself.

When I almost didnā€™t get a tomorrow, I understood how precious every moment is and that dreams canā€™t wait.

When I lost almost all of my belongings, I found that I didnā€™t really need any of them to survive and thrive and for the first time in my life I felt truly free.

When I found the courage to tell my own story, I discovered that I had the ability to inspire the same courage in others.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here.
books, future, goals, Marcus Buckingham, personality, psychology

My Year of Hopefulness – Your Strongest Life

Christa Avampato

“We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.” ~ Anais Nin, French writer and diarist

I’m a huge fan of Marcus Buckingham. If I had to make a short-list of the top 5 people I’m most interested in meeting, he’d be one of them because of his keen insight into human behavior. He knows what makes us tick, all of us, just upon meeting us. He looks at his role in life as a guide on the side who wants to help people reach their full potential happiness and satisfaction. That’s it. Simple, straight-forward, no nonsense, no voodoo, no magic. It takes dedication and hard work to reach our potential. He’s giving us tools to get there. He’s not here to make us feel better about the very bad choices we may have made in the past and our unfortunate habits (and we all have them). He’s here to help us realize and maximize our ability to effect positive change, in ourselves first and then in the world around us.

My friend, Lon, is also a fan and recently sent me a series of articles that Marcus Buckingham has been writing for the Huffington Post on the subject of women’s happiness. We’re in a tough spot: as a gender, half the world’s population, our happiness has been on a steady decline for 40 years. 40 years. That is a very long time to be unhappy. Marcus Buckingham offers up surprising observations and remedies for this trend. It’s important reading for all – men and women alike.

I clicked through the articles and eventually landed on a link to an on-line game that serves as life’s central casting office. Through a short list of questions, Marcus Buckingham shows us the lead role and supporting role that we were born to play, just as we are right now, and that also stretches us by revealing where we should focus our time and energy. It’s fun, insightful, and accurate. I hope you’ll take a couple of minutes to give it a whirl. While it’s geared toward women on the website, it’s equally applicable to men: http://www.wowowow.com/relationships/marcus-buckingham-find-your-strong-life-test-376609

Here’s what mine revealed: best lead role for me – Creator; best supporting role for me – Weaver. Hmmm….what does all of this mean?

Creators:
1.) “Begin by asking: ‘What do I understand?’ You arenā€™t immune to the feelings and perspectives of others, but your starting point is your own insight, your own understanding.”

Great – now I can stop feeling bad about my natural instinct to look internally first and then externally second!

2.) “Your best quality: Your ability to find patterns invisible to others.”

As a kid, hide-and-seek was my favorite game. I considered being an anthropologist, a paleontologist, an astronaut, and a psychiatrist. All searching professions. At heart, I am a Seeker, Explorer, Finder. I sometimes wonder if I missed my calling as a detective of some sort. I do like to find what’s special and unique in things, places, and people who do not immediately look special upon first glance. My favorite game as a kid was hide-and-seek. I love the idea of underground places, secret passageways, and buried treasure. I love the search. I want to get at what’s underneath the exterior, of people and situations.

3.) “Always: Find time to be by yourself.”

So true – and a goal of mine as of late. I do need some time on my own every day to re-group. I love people, and to make sure I always enjoy their company, I also need my time for me, too.

4.) “Be careful you: Donā€™t think so long that you never do anything.”

I am the quintessential list maker. I weigh pros and cons and consequences and upsides and downsides and comparison shop. These are important things, and I need to make sure to balance them with enough action. Sometimes, we just have to go for it, even if it seems that the odds are not stacked in our favor!

5.) Your smartest career move: Any job where youā€™re paid to produce new content.

What my life and writing is all about, and what I think I am just about ready to jump off the cliff and do full-time!

And my ideal supporting role – Weaver. Creator I understand inherently. Weaver? Does this mean I need to get myself a loom? As it turns out, no. Weaver is a synonym for connector. Of course!

Weavers:
1.) “You begin by asking: ‘Who can I connect?’ You see the world as a web of relationships, and you are always excited by the prospect of connecting two new people within your web.”

I love nothing better than linking two people whom I adore to one another when there can be a mutually-beneficial relationship. It’s a puzzle, and I love puzzles.

2.) “Your best quality: Your genuine curiosity.”

My favorite question has always been ‘Why?’ and I’m not shy so I asked it (and still ask it) A LOT. My poor mother. I was the ‘Why’ child in every class, at every moment. Now I’m the ‘Why’ adult. You can’t take the kid out of the classroom…

3.) “Always: Trust in your web of relationships.”

Done – they get me through the tough times and help me celebrate the great abundance in my life. My most valuable asset is my network, and I covet it.

4.) “Be careful you: Donā€™t push people together who shouldnā€™t be.”

I’ve had some failures on this front for sure. It’s not just about the experience and interests of people, but their personalities, too, that dictate if a connection is really worth making. I need to be more mindful of that

5.) “Your smartest career move: Any job where youā€™re paid to speed up the connection between people.”

That would be my obsession with on-line community-building. I love it. If I could, I’d spend every moment of my life working toward this end. Connect, connect, connect. As a kid, my favorite art activity was connect-the-dots. I loved to see what would emerge, how something would develop. It’s still true – my life and relationships are in a constant state of emergence and development.

I’ve printed out my lead role and supporting role descriptions and hung them up at my desk and on my fridge to remind me what’s important, and where and on whom I should spend my time, energy, and talents. Strongest life, here I come!

family, feelings, friendship, happiness, mood, personality, technology

My Year of Hopefulness – Get Out of a Rut

Christa Avampato

As I trudged to the subway this morning under the gray, dense skies, I considered my mood over the last week. I’ve been a little down lately. Could be the rainy weather, losing my aunt recently, worry about my mom’s total knee replacement, the state of the economy and our nation’s safety. It’s likely a mixture of all of this. And I’m wondering what I’m really doing with my life every day – am I making a difference, or at least as big a difference as I could make?

Some of my friends and family members have recently expressed the same concern about their own lives. On my subway ride to work, I thought of ideas that might help me and help others out of this little rut. Here are some I came up with. Would love to hear what’s worked for you when you need a little pick-me-up!

1.) Ice cream. There’s something really special to me about getting an ice cream cone and strolling around my neighborhood. It reminds me of being a kid and being a kid inspires me to be a little more wistful and hopeful.

2.) Send someone a present. My friend, Brooke, recently moved from New York City and I’ve had her going away present / new house warming present sitting on my table for about a month. I put it into a padded envelope and sent it off to her today. It helped my mood considerably to be sending her a surprise. Same goes for sending someone a card or doing something nice for someone.

3.) Yoga and running. Both get me moving and remind me of how lucky I am to be in good health. While exercising, I think about building strong bones and muscles, increasing my lung capacity, and solutions to tough situations I’m having at the moment.

4.) Clean my apartment. For me, cleaning is therapy. I don’t like doing it but I love the end result. And my world looks a little brighter from the vantage point of a sparkling apartment.

5.) Communicate with others. Call a friend, send an email, get brunch with someone, click around on Twitter and see what people are talking about today. Breaking out of our self-imposed isolation is a mood lifter in and of itself.

6.) Find someplace to get lost. For me those places are Central Park, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the American Museum of Natural History. Placing myself in the middle overwhelming beauty gives me a new perspective and make me feel connected to something much bigger than myself.

7.) Dive into a book. I’m always amazed at the way literature connects us to people across the world and across time. This reminder of common human experiences makes me feel less alone.

8.) Write. Yesterday I sat down to write a short story about a situation I witnessed on the street a few days ago. I put myself back in that exact situation, saw it all unfolding in my mind, and wrote it all out. When looking back at the story and reading work I was doing a few years ago, I realized how much progress I’ve made in my story telling by practicing every day. It was really gratifying to see myself improving a skill that I enjoy.

9.) Think about my ideal day and consider how I could live at least a little piece of that ideal day every day. Maybe it’s volunteering, thinking about what business I’d like to start, whipping up a really delicious meal with friends, or spending time with someone I love. Even on the worst days we have the ability to incorporate glimmers of happiness.

10.) Spend some time with an animal. Could be your own pup or kitten, a friend’s pet, or taking puppies at the local shelter on a walk. Animals have a natural inclination toward happiness and they take us right along with them.

There are countless ways to get ourselves into a healthier and happier frame of mind. All we need is intention, attention, and commitment to living a better day every day.

hope, personality, psychology

My Year of Hopefulness – The Hopeful Cynic

Christa Avampato

On occasion, my mom has referred to me as her daughter, Christa, the cynic. I’d really like to disagree with her, though after years of trying to refute it I’ve realized she’s right. She just forgot to add the word “hopeful” in front of “cynic”. This might sound like a contradiction, though as my friend, Trevin and I always say, “I live my life hoping for the best and expecting the worst.” It keeps my life full of wonderful surprises.

The balance between cynicism and hope is delicate and must be constantly maintained. There is a real danger in slipping much too close to either the happy-go-luckies who live their lives in a state of optimism bordering on delusion and the people who are so cynical that you wonder how they kept them from just putting it all to an end yesterday. The balance is important to maintaining the very best of both extremes.

I like to look at a whole situation – details and the big picture comprised of those details. I don’t mind being the naysayer so long as it gets us to higher ground when it’s all said and done. I don’t like nicey-nice cultures – I like and appreciate honesty and thoughtful discussion.

I also don’t mind being the voice of hope in a room full of doom and gloom. I like being able to transform a situation from helplessness to self-confident action. Someone has to be the initial spark that begins a gathering light and that role suits me fine.

There aren’t that many of us hopeful cynics. Frankly it’s a lot of work to have this personality. Everyday that I pick up the paper (which does happen to be everyday) I wonder what our economy might be like with a few more hopeful cynics. I wonder if we would have been better prepared for this crisis. Would we have saved more when times were good? Would we have questioned expenditures and “business as usual” more closely?

To this end, I developed a few guidelines in case anyone is interested in developing the hopeful cynic within them:
1.) Question everything, always, and don’t stop until you get a solid, logical answer
2.) Read works of fiction and nonfiction in equal amounts. Fiction keeps you imagining worlds that could be while nonfiction helps you see things as they really are, often from someone else’s point-of-view.
3.) Watch movies that make you laugh and cry, and especially watch those that make you think.
4.) Be wary of people who say yes or no to everything.
5.) Trust your instincts, even if no one around you seems to have the same opinion
6.) If a situation is 100% a dream or 100% a nightmare, do some more digging so you know what you’re really in for
7.) No matter what circumstances you’re in, good, bad, or indifferent, know that eventually it will pass. Change is the only thing that is guaranteed.

dating, personality, relationships

My Year of Hopefulness – The Explorer

Christa Avampato

Last month, there was a clip of me on 20/20. During the summer, I was invited to a party hosted by Chemistry.com where I was getting matched up with a number of people that were supposedly perfect for me. I did meet some interesting folks, despite my initial skepticism. I was highlighted on 20/20 as the classic “Explorer” personality. I usually dislike being “typed”, however this definition suits me almost too well.Ā 


I think about my career (or more accurately – careers (plural)), my friends, my interests, my education, my travels, my hobbies. The common thread is this unending desire to explore anything new and different. I am a restless spirit. That trait has caused me plenty of trouble, and it’s also brought me an equal amount of joy. It’s left me sometimes lonely though more often very fulfilled. Wandering can cause me to feel lost and aimless, though the search is always filled with surprise and keeps me pushing forward.Ā 

If I consider my ideal anything – career, relationship, trip, etc. – it always involves discovery. Each new adventure uncovers another tiny piece of me that I didn’t know existed. Many times I tried to settle down and play a consistent part, and until very recently I didn’t understand why I was ultimately more comfortable with the unknown rather than the stable. Now I know its hard-wired in me. I am proud to represent all Explorers – let the search continue, always. Ā 

Many thanks to my friends, Alex and Shawn, for creating the link to my 20/20 clip on YouTube, and to Col for taking the still of my name tag with her iPhone!