Category: love

friendship, Life, love, relationships, stress, work, youth

Beautiful: How to Survive a Quarter Life Crisis

Christa Avampato

I am a trendsetter – I was having a quarter life crisis long before it was in fashion. 25 year olds, I hear you. I know exactly how it feels to be sitting at your desk that you busted your ass to get by working hard in school and plunging yourself deep into student loan debt, and be haunted by the thought, “Is this it?” (For the record, there are plenty of people of all ages in companies large and small who are thinking the exact same thing and they don’t have any answers wiser than yours.)

Now that you’re 3 years out of college, you may have officially established a fair amount of distance from a friend circle that is literally next door. People get busy. They change. And sometimes we don’t change with them. This is an awful truth about aging of any degree. Times change us.

Maybe you’re in a great relationship, a bad relationship, or no relationship at all. Unfortunately, we’re bombarded in our society by images of happy couples that have no problems and are eternally in love, expect of course in all of the tabloids that we can’t get away from that show love is miserable for everyone. Either way, we’re getting really ugly messages about love and they’re causing us to have unrealistic and harmful expectations, both good and bad, of ourselves and others. In 37 years, this is what I’ve learned about love: we can only expect to get what we give freely.

Add all of this up – the job, the friends, the relationship – and who wouldn’t have a quarter life crisis?

I’ve got one magic bullet for you and you’re not going to like it but it got me through my quarter life crisis (and my 1/3 life crisis, for that matter) and I hope it helps you, too. Stop everything. Put aside your work, friends, relationships, family, bills, responsibilities, worries, disappointments, and fears for 5 minutes every day. Close your eyes, one hand on the heart, one hand on the belly. Breathe so loud in and out through your nose that you drown out the noise of your brain. Get lost in your breath and the absolute f’ing miracle that is you.  

Your parents, friends, teachers, the media, and even our President have told you can do anything you want to do. They told you that you can be anything you want to be. And you can, but here’s the part they didn’t tell you – no one is going to make it happen for you. You have to make it happen for you. Don’t bet on someone else to help you get the life you want. Betting on yourself is a much better bet. You can create it with your own two hands. And that process begins by slowing down.

I know this is not the answer you wanted. It’s certainly not the answer I wanted because it was going to take too long, be too hard, and no one seemed to be willing to guarantee results for me. But I tried everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else, and it didn’t work. Peace is a daily process; we must constantly tend to it and the only thing that makes that possible is to go in, slow down, and listen to our breath and the beat of our hearts. It’s still the only thing that works for me even today, many years post quarter life.

From one quarter life crisis survivor to another, just try it. Try it for a week. See how it feels. And if you’ve got questions, contact me. Seriously. I want to hear from you and I want to help.

health, love

Beautiful: Love Doesn’t Blind Us. It Helps Us See More Clearly.

Christa Avampato

“While infused with love you see fewer distinctions between you and others. Indeed, your ability to see others — really see them, wholeheartedly — springs open.” ~ Barbara Fredrickson

I’ve heard it said that love is blind, but I’ve never found that to be true. Love in all its beautiful forms – for another person or animal, for self, for community, for life, for a project that is near and dear to our hearts – has the ability to make everything appear clearer, brighter, and more joyful. And there is plenty of hard science to back this up.

Last year, the New York Times ran a series of pieces that analyzed the brain on love and the findings are remarkable. It reduces stress. It makes it easier to learn new things and to heal from illness. The power of love is potent and worthwhile because the benefits far outweigh the costs. We would all do well to invest time and effort into bringing more love into our lives.

animals, dogs, love, pets

Beautiful: Why Dogs Don’t Live as Long as People

Christa Avampato

484838_275297089262931_1160384473_nGiven my deep love for dogs (especially my little guy, Phin), a friend of mine sent me this story. My friend doesn’t know the author and I searched online to no avail. It’s a beautiful story about a veterinarian and an amazing little boy as he confronts losing his faithful pup, Belker.

“Why Dogs Don’t Live as Long as People. Answer of a 6-Year-Old.”

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker ‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The 6-year-old continued,

”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

Enjoy every moment of every day!”

love

Beautiful: Jennifer Lopez Can’t Give Up on Love; You Shouldn’t Either

Christa Avampato

To-those-who-have-given-up-on-love-I-say-trust-life-a-little-bit.Maya-Angelou-quoteYesterday I watched an interview with Jennifer Lopez done by Gayle King. Gayle asked Jennifer how she stays so optimistic about love. Jennifer responded that she just can’t imagine giving up on love. She loves love and believes in its power to heal.

Love in New York is a tough game. It’s hard to find and even harder to keep. It also doesn’t help that this whole city is one big incurable romantic. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m with Jenny from the Block – I also love love and believe so much in its goodness.

Even though I haven’t yet found my guy, I know he’s out there. It’s just taking us a while to find another. But he’ll keep looking and I’ll keep looking and eventually we’ll find ourselves looking at each other. My only job is to not give up, to trust that it always works out exactly as it should.

animals, decision-making, dogs, loss, love, pets

Leap: Do What’s Needed

Christa Avampato
My mom snapped this picture of Phin and I about 10 minutes after we met. It was our first picture together and love at first sight.
My mom snapped this picture of Phin and I about 10 minutes after we met. It was our first picture together and love at first sight.

I’ve often written on this blog about my favorite happy, fuzzy pal, Phin. He is an amazing dog whom I rescued over two years ago from the Humane Society. While mostly perfect out of the box, he has struggled with separation anxiety off and on.

His latest bout has lasted for 3 months and I have tried many remedies from extra sessions with our trainer to medication. And just when it seems he has turned a corner, he is plunged back down into the depths of anxiety. His anxiety has begun to make him sick. He never touches a thing in the apartment; he just cries when I leave for any amount of time – an awful, sad, lonely cry. My neighbors are complaining every day. Despite all of the time I spend with him, he needs a home that has more companionship than what I can offer him as a single, working person.

My beautiful, kind, gracious, dog-loving mother has offered to take Phin into her home in Florida until I figure out a better living situation that will work for him. We now live in a tiny studio in a noisy city. My mom and stepfather are retired and are around most of the time. They have a beautiful home with a screened-in porch and a backyard with grass and a garden. They have plenty of sunshine and warmth, inside and outside their home.

Though I know that this is the best short-term situation for Phineas, I am completely heart-broken. He is my constant companion and a champion snuggler. No matter how tough a day I have, he is always there for me with a waggly tail and plenty of smooches. He thinks I am the best person on Earth.

I’m not sure what these next few months hold. I’ll bring Phin down to Florida on Tuesday when I visit my family for the holidays and if all goes well, he’ll be taking up residence there while I sort out a more conducive (read: quiet) environment for him. It is an awful decision to make. My eyes are puffy, my nose is runny, and I feel like a failure.

Life is like that sometimes. We have to make decisions that hurt. Despite our best efforts, things don’t always go the way that we hope they will. I just keep reminding myself to trust the process, to understand that everything is temporary, that fortune can be reversed, that light can and will return even though we are surrounded by darkness. I know this is the best decision to make in the current circumstances, but it’s not easy and it certainly doesn’t feel good.

gifts, happiness, love, peace

Leap: For the Happiness of Others

Christa Avampato

“One thing I am convinced more and more is true and that is this: The only way to be truly happy is to make others happy. When you realize that and take advantage of the fact, everything is made perfect.” ~ William Carlos Williams, American poet and physician

In this season of gift giving and buying, the idea of “it is better to give than receive” runs through my mind. The follow-up to this idea is “it’s best to give and to receive because when you receive, you give someone else the opportunity to give.”

For many of us, receiving is difficult. In order to fully receive, we need to leave our hearts open. We must let ourselves be vulnerable. On occasion, we receive from others because we have asked for help and support – another tall order for many of us who take pride in our independence and strength.

I am someone who once believed I was an island. I often felt like one not because I wanted to, but because I needed that toughness, that independence, to get through my days. It’s not true anymore, though old habits die hard. Every once in a great while, I still catch myself closing off at exactly the moment when I should remain the most open and receptive. I reverse course quickly but it’s not without effort.

If this sounds familiar, here’s what’s helped me: I know the joy I feel when I serve others. It brings a deep peace and purpose to my actions. It’s one of the very best feelings that I know and I try to bring it into my life every day, even several times a day if I can swing it. I want everyone to share in this feeling, to get that same sense of giddy happiness that comes from giving to others. Every giver needs a receiver.

It’s wonderful to be an angel to someone, to provide them with exactly what they need at exactly the moment that they need it. But angels come in many different forms. Sometimes, to be angel to someone else you need to be able to receive what they have to give, what they have to offer. Your sincere smile and thank you is exactly what they need to feel valued, appreciated, and useful. And we all want to feel useful. We all want to feel like we matter.

This holiday season you only need one recipe to feel the happiness that we all deserve: let others matter. Give and receive in equal quantities. Play both roles. Appreciate others and allow others to appreciate you. Love and be loved.

fear, happiness, love

Leap: Don’t Hold Back

Christa Avampato
From Pinterest

“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” ~ Barbara De Angelis

Put yourself out there. In your relationships, in your job, in your community. You have nothing to lose. Things may not go the way you want them to go and you risk a bit of embarrassment or disappointment. Here’s what’s certain: if you hold back and don’t do something you want to do you will most definitely be disappointed. Worse than that, you’ll have regret. A lot of it.

If you care about something or someone, show it and say it. Make it known. I’d rather be rejected 100 times over than caught up in my shell out of fear. Sometimes we think we’re saving ourselves by holding back but what exactly is it that we’re savings ourselves from? A life fully lived? Learning? Authenticity? Joy?

Here’s the rub: everything we have, everything we feel is temporary. As far as I know, when our crack at life is over, we can’t take any of it with us. It will all fall away. With that in mind, I do everything I can to be as happy as I can as often as possible. I’ll risk some sadness, I’ll actually take the risk of a lot of sadness, in order to have a shot at a life full of meaning, purpose, and service. And I do what I can to bring others along, too.

I’ve lived in the land of holding back and I’ve lived in the land of loving, and I’ll tell you this – loving is always better.

faith, future, love

Leap: Destination – Love

Christa Avampato

“Love leads us into mystery where no one can say what comes next, or how, or why.” ~ Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg

It’s amazing what love will get you to reconsider. Somehow it helps us to open up to new possibilities in a way that we likely wouldn’t otherwise.

It gives us courage and strength, confidence and the unexplainable knowledge that everything is going work out just fine. And it does this with no answers, no plan, no map, and no proof.

In that way, love is faith of the highest order.

courage, dreams, love

Leap: Small Consistent Acts of Courage and Love Make for a Better World

Christa Avampato

“In life, it is never the big battle, the big moment, the big speech, the big election. That does not change things. What changes things is every day, getting up and rendering small acts of service and love beyond that what’s expected of you or required of you.” ~ Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark and 2012 Stanford graduation speaker

You have the desire to do something big with your life. You have massive dreams and hopes for yourself and those you love. You want to rise to your potential, leave your own indelible mark on the world, and make a lasting contribution to humanity. I get it; I want to do the same.

Here’s the trick: your mark isn’t made by one single act. It’s not even made with 1,000 acts. It’s made every single day. The key to making your mark and accomplishing those big dreams has everything to do with consistency. Every time you go somewhere and do something with your whole heart, you transmit that love to everyone around you. Every time you demonstrate dedication and commitment to something that matters to you, we feel it and are inspired by it.

There are millions of ways to make a difference. There is no shortage of challenges and difficulties in the world that are crying out for smart solutions. And the sooner you identify your way to make a difference and give yourself over to it, the sooner this world will be a bit more like the world you want it to be. Your moment to begin is now. We’re all counting on you and rooting for you.

books, love

Leap: Lessons from the Monk I Married by Katherine Jenkins

Christa Avampato

When I think of someone with a courageous heart, a clear mind, and a deep sense of wisdom, I think of Katherine Jenkins, the author of the book and blog Lessons from the Monk I Married. I met Kathy through our mutual friend, Sharni, another beautiful writer. Immediately, I found her to be warm, caring, and wholly confident in her essence. We started reading one another’s writing and cheering for each other along the way. I’m so proud and pleased to know her and now you have the chance to know her, too. Her book arrives into the world today.

In this year when I am exploring my own leap into a new phase of my life and career, I’m spending a lot of time drawing inspiration from people like Kathy who took a leap and never looked down. She took a leap for love, which might just be the most frightening kind of leap of all. I am fascinated by her story of meeting her husband, then a monk in a Korean monastery, by chance and the many years of back and forth emotions that they both felt. They would spend short periods of time together and then long stretches of time apart. And despite the hardship, they always found their way back to each other.

None of it was easy and their path was not apparent nor inevitable. It was rocky, long, and exceedingly difficult. Eventually, Kathy left. She closed the door and meant it. She went inside to find the true seed that lived inside her own heart, the seed that exists without any outside influence. And in the midst of that clear-eyed discovery, her love took a leap, too – right into their new life together.

And the road doesn’t end there. This doesn’t mean that it was smooth sailing from that moment on out. The road was still rocky, long, and exceedingly difficult. They both had to maintain their individual commitment to find a way forward together. They struggled with finding employment, building a business, getting to know one another as a true couple, forging friendships together, and eventually making the move from Korea back to the Pacific Northwest of the U.S.

Their perseverance and ability to remain open and honest, with themselves and with each other, is staggeringly beautiful and inspiring. If you need to believe in love, dreams, and the quest for a life infused with meaning, Kathy wrote a book for you. Author Anne Lamott wrote the wise words, “Toni Morrison said, ‘The function of freedom is to free someone else,’ and if you are no longer wracked or in bondage to a person or a way of life, tell your story. Risk freeing someone else.” And that’s just what Kathy did.

Lessons from the Monk I Married is now available on Amazon and at retailers everywhere.