Category: Life

Everyday I am amazed by Facebook, Linked-in, My Space, etc. In the past few months I have had bunches of people contact me after finding me on-line after many years. And the sites make it so easy to just fire off an email, say hello, check in. I have had several lives since leaving my small hometown and met people all along the way that now live in far flung places doing all sorts of interesting work that keeps them busy. These sites make it easy for me to keep track of people that are important to me, one of my favorite activities.

Today I got a message I wasn’t expecting from an ex-boyfriend who at one time was very important to me. The relationship was on again off again several times through a number of years, most recently just as I was starting business school. I went to visit him before my classes started. A year before he had been through a harrowing experience that really changed him in every way possible and I was anxious to know that he was okay. And then, nothing. He didn’t return my calls, emails, or text messages deposite several amazing visits. He just faded away. And the hole that he left in my life, again, was soon filled by someone else. This is the story of my life, as one person or experience or past time fades away, another comes in to take that place. Throughout business school I thought of him often and hoped that he was okay. I let him go because I thought maybe I was a reminder of a life he used to have and could never have again, for a whole host of reasons.

I had a boss once who taught me a lesson that has stuck with me. “You have to let people apologize.” And when someone had harmed us and then is ready for forgiveness, then we should do our best to meet them halfway. My former boss used to say, “If someone has the courage to apologize, then we should have the courage to forgive them.” I am still not sure which one is harder.

On my Facebook today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a message to say he was sorry and he understood if I didn’t want to keep in touch, but he’d like me to. I haven’t responded yet. Truth be told, I have not held any kind of grudge against him for fading away this last time. We have fought so much in the past and I have been so angry with his irresponsibility, lack of concern, and inability to communicate that I just couldn’t be angry anymore – it took too much energy to be upset with him. I had outgrown the anger. There were so many times in the years since I first met him that he had such glimpses of “wonderfulness.” His potential for love for so high and yet he never rose to the occasion. Never. He could exhibit wonderful qualities; he just couldn’t sustain them. He just wasn’t built that way.

And despite the many downs of our relationship that have far outnumbered the highs, I still have great hope. Not for us – all of those feelings I used to have for him are long since gone. I have great hope for him – that he will grow into the wonderful man I would see from time to time, that someday he will lose his ego and his attitude and exchange them for the compassion, and warmth, and kindness that I know he is capable of. I think his note of apology was a good first step, finally, in the right direction. It showed real courage, and I’m happy to match it. I think my former boss would be proud, of both of us.

I had a professor at Darden, Elliot Weiss, who taught operations. In class he made one very simple statement that I think about all the time – “What gets measured gets done.” We have performance reviews to keep us on task. We have bank accounts and investment returns to track our wealth. We have health measurements – cholesterol levels, sugar levels, blood pressure, body temperature. And any alteration in these levels causes us to re-examine our actions in that area of our lives. So what about our happiness? If we simply come up with a way to measure it and chart it, can we in fact improve our happiness like we do our health, our wealth, and our career success?

I spend a lot of time considering happiness – how to create it, how to get it back when plans go awry, and how to hang onto it when life seems to good to be true. This last one was on my mind just this morning. Today was one of those days in New York – 70 degrees, sunny, and breezy – the exact weather that makes me well up with gratefulness that I am simply alive. I went for my first long morning walk in Riverside Park, a place I plan to spend a lot of time in a) because it’s beautiful and b) because it’s right outside my door step, literally. I was walking along the river, watching the boats pass by. People were whizzing by me on bikes, jogging along, some alone, some with friends. Dogs were hanging out with their owners. People were reading and playing tennis. All the flowers were in full bloom. And everything, everything, was shining. My world, in that moment, was alight with happiness.

I commute 40 minutes to work each way so I have at least 80 minutes of solitary time to think, and I spend much of that time checking in with myself. Did I do a good job at work today? Did I do the very best I could? Was there something I missed? I make lists, lots and lots of lists. What to do, who to call or see, things I need to research, errands to run, things I need to buy. And now I’m wondering if I could make a list of happy circumstances. Could I list out things to do or see specifically because they increase my level of happiness. And by checking them off, could I somehow assign an incremental increase to my happiness. By the same token, could I also make a list of things that decrease my happiness, and then find a way to avoid them. In a sense, I want to put myself on a happiness budget. Is it that simple? Is happiness an asset like any other? If so, can we tend to it the way we do our health and our finances, to develop a relatively sure fire-way to increase its value?

Food for thought…..and speaking of food I need to run and get some and then see my charming friends, Lisa, Heather, and Didier for drinks at the Maritime hotel on 15th Street and 9th Avenue. I’m going to ponder this happynomics model a little more. As always, when I have some more insights, or simply some more questions, I’ll share them with you right here.

The picture above was found at http://www.jamrecordings.com/images/Jeremy-Finding_the_Way_to_be_Happy.jpg.

My friends Trevin and Kristi are visiting for the week. They are moving to NYC and looking for their own space to start September 1st. Tonight we went to Jo Allen’s for dinner and then over to Smith’s bar (a great little divey place with a very funny waitstaff and good music.) We then went over the Kevin St. James, where I consumed a bit more wine than was necessary.

I saw an old friend this week – meaning I’ve known him for a long time, not that he’s old. And I must admit that his most recent job has beaten him down, considerably. I understand the feeling. I’ve had jobs like this – too many. He’s much more subdued than usual, he’s looking at the world more cynically. He’s been betrayed by people at his job to the point that he thinks absolutely no one is ever looking out for any of us so the best we can do is only look after ourselves. He’s so beaten down that he is actually considering his kindness and desire to trust people to be his greatest flaws and he says he thinks nearly every decision he’s made in life is a bad one. This is a sad road to be on, and I am sorry to say that I know it better than I’d like.

I have another friend who is a perpetual pessimist. Everything in life is always awful. The sky is falling every time she and I have a conversation. The saddest part is that the fixes are easy – truly. All her misery and unhappiness is self-generated by her ardent refusal to change. Several times I have tried to broach the topic with her, and I have seen other friends of hers do the same. Nothing works. She becomes enraged when anyone suggests a change she might make to improve her lot in life. We’ve all but given up and accepted that she may just always be our “Eeyore” friend.

I recently heard a statistic that 80% of our job satisfaction comes from whether or not we like our boss. 80%! Not our co-workers or even the work we’re spending all this time doing. It’s our boss’s personality that makes the difference. And it’s also amazing to me that if a job beats you up, as it did my old friend, then it beats up your whole life, not just the part of your life spent at work. It’s about energy and enthusiasm – some activities give us energy and some “taketh away”.

This recent conversation with my old friend also had me considering how much we beat ourselves up because of our defeats and failures and how little time we spend really celebrating our triumphs. When something doesn’t go our way, we’re more likely to think “well it figures.” (My mother is fond of the saying, “Everyone’s got to have something .”) And when something does go our way, we often say, “it’s about time SOMETHING went right.” I couldn’t disagree more. Our lives are very much a function of the attitude, energy, and hopefulness that we send out to the world.

If my hypothesis is true, then the next logical question is “well if everything in my life is so messed up then how do I get a better attitude?” I think it starts with accepting responsibility for what’s wrong, even if we didn’t cause it. And then it’s about forgiving ourselves and accepting that learning, and we are all always learning, is not a straight-line path. We can’t learn if we don’t make mistakes. Part of making mistakes is getting burned here and there, and sometimes that here and there is much more frequent than we’re comfortable with.

I think there is also a lot of power in believing, truly believing, that unhappiness and disappointment are NOT a way of life. They are temporary conditions. Everything is a temporary condition. And this means that more good times and more bad times are on the way. We need to learn to roll through them the way sand rolls through the tide. It washes into the ocean on the top of a wave and then sinks to the bottom and heads back to shore. But if it never sank to the bottom, how could it ever ride atop another wave?

Yes, people disappoint us. We get less than we deserve from time to time. We have all felt crushed. And my hope in getting some of this written down is that we can still be hopeful about life; that even when we’re down and out, we can keep smiling, keep believing that tomorrow with be better. When a reporter asked the Dalai Lama how he could cope with fighting his people’s struggle for so long he simply said, “We do the best we can.” I figure if all the Dalai Lama can do is his best (and he’s enlightened!), then that’s all I can do, too. Anna Quindlen expressed the same eloquent sentiment when asked how she handles the ups and down of life. “No matter what, I show up, I listen, and I try to laugh.” If your sky is falling, give it a whirl, and when that triumph comes along, take the time to crack open the bubbly!

Instead of going into the office today, my wonderful boss, his equally-wonderful wife, and I went to the New York International Gift show at the Javitz Center. We don’t exactly work in the gift industry but we do work in retail and there were a variety of products that could suit our business. I can hardly believe I get paid to do this kind of thing.

We were bowled over by the clever designs and the sheer amount of “stuff”. The colors, the innovation, the reuse of old, found items was almost not-to-be-believed. A woman who owns hundred of thousands of Victorian-era buttons and makes jewelry from them. The handmade artisans who make one unique creation after another – from candy to knitted scarves to license plate art. Just stunning. I am so glad I’m not a buyer – I would have gone bankrupt with all of the fascinating pieces, despite my miserly ways.

It was nothing short of inspiring. I’ll be spending the week going back to the websites of some of the most interesting and germane companies for our business and taking a look at what’s on offer. My boss is sort of a design-freak, and he’s one of those people whose endless curiosity about everything nearly puts me to shame. I thought I was curious – I have nothing on him. He’s like a kid in a candy store when it comes to design. Couple that with his absolute enthusiasm and kindness and he’s every artists dream. I often think he would have made a great actor’s agent for this very reason.

The messages were flowing today. I was commenting on how much retro-inspired stuff there was and my boss’s wife said “well, we have to go back right? It’s all we have.” Very eloquently put. It is all we have. Somehow all of my weirdo experience, and all of the people I’ve met along the way will form into some business idea that truly represents me – a perfect (for me) design.