“Despite the forecast, live like it’s Spring.” ~ Lilly Pulitzer
My apartment is now at the weird point when it feels like a home, but it no longer feels like my home. I packed all my belongings in boxes. I took my art down off the walls. I’m wiping the slate clean and beginning again. It’s so appropriate to make a move in the Spring, when everything in the natural world is blossoming and blooming, stretching its wings and slowly coming back to life after a long winter’s nap.
My friend, Cyndie, also pointed out that this week is a New Moon. In astronomy, the New Moon is the phase of the Moon when it lies closest to the Sun in the sky as seen from the Earth. I feel the light pouring into my own life this week, too. I hope this light, and the feeling of renewal, will continue to follow me from season to season.
“Leave the door open to the unknown, the door into the dark. That’s where the most important things come from, where you yourself came from, and where you will go.” ~ Rebecca Solnit
This is my delivery from Jugglebox, a green moving company that delivers and picks up reusable plastic crates, eliminating the need for those cardboard boxes that we so often hunt for when we’re making a move. And so it begins….the process of sorting, packing, and cleaning as I trade one home in for another. A new beginning.
In my current home, I healed after my apartment building fire. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started all over again. I rebuilt my life, literally, one tiny piece at a time. I let go of past disappointments. I became stronger, bolder, and more courageous. I started Compass Yoga here. I started my consulting practice here. This was Phin’s first forever home.
It was a wonderful home for what I needed then. And now I need something new and different and fresh. The start of a new chapter needs a blank page. To create the next masterpiece, we need an empty canvas.
So it’s with so much gratitude and a tiny bit of sadness that I release the familiar in favor of what comes next. Whatever it is, I’m ready for it.
I could read cooking memoirs all day, every day. There is something so human, so sensual about food and its preparation. There passion in it and it’s relatable. Everyone eats, and therefore at some point every one learns to cooking something. Ultimately cooking and eating are about transformation.
At 38, Jonathan Dixon left behind his work as a writer to enroll at the CIA to become a cook. He gave up all his earthly possessions, moved from Brooklyn to Hyde Park, NY (across the Hudson River from my own hometown), and threw himself into his new vocation. He wasn’t a cook when he started, but he made it his goal to become one. And so he did.
We can do the same. We can reinvent who we are. We can grow our current skill sets and create new ones. We can take up new hobbies, interests, projects, and careers. We can make a new home in a new city. Newness is never beyond us.
My mom took us to see the Nutcracker for Christmas. My oldest niece, Lorelei, takes ballet classes and was very excited to see her first ballet. She loved it but was very quiet as we made our way back to the car after the show. She whispered that she was worried she might never be as good as the dancers on stage because they know so much more than she does. She’s 5.
I told her that she didn’t need to worry about that, that we all start from zero. We are all born a blank slate, knowing nothing. With time and practice, we can do anything we want to do. It is about choice and dedication. She looked at me with her very pensive eyes and smiled.
This is true in every aspect of our lives. We’re all strangers at first – to ourselves and to each other. We grow and change and learn. That’s the course of every life. We’re all in this together.
“We do not need magic to transform our world. We carry all of the power we need inside ourselves already.” ~ J.K. Rowling
When it comes to the matter of pursuing dreams, we don’t need to hope for miracles or luck. Our own effort is a source of magic in and of itself. We have the power to make our dreams with our heart and our own two hands. Every moment, we make choices that affect the world around us. It’s up to us to decide what that effect will be.
So if you find yourself walking through your day and taking note of things that need fixing, recognize that you can fix them. With enough care, concern, and time, we can repair and renew almost anything. Nothing is ever set in stone; everything can be transformed. We have the ability to choose how and when that transformation happens.
Yesterday, marked the 20th anniversary of my father’s passing. I’ve been alive longer without him than with him. To even fathom that 20 years has passed makes my mind numb. I remember that evening so clearly that I could recite my actions and thoughts of each minute. I think of it in frames of a film, a shutter action happening in between each. There’s some soaring music in the background that rises and falls in waves like water.
That night I was viscerally aware that I was literally closing one chapter of my life and opening another one with my bare hands. The door between those chapters was heavy and awkward. I knew that once it shut behind me that there was no going back. That feeling is lodged in my heart in a way that used to feel painful and now is just familiar. It’s become one of my oldest friends.
Nothing happens in isolation. As soon as my mind turns those events over a few times, it just keeps going and I follow it along as an audience member, as if I am watching a performance of Sleep No More. At first it slowly trudges to the wake and funeral, to high school graduation, to leaving my hometown, to college and everything that would unravel and then coalesce in that time.
The speed of the frames in my mind picks up rapidly after that. As a young 20-something I thought I would go into politics and instead opted for a career in theatre, moving from D.C. to New York to life on the road. That would lead me to Florida, back to D.C., on to graduate school in Virginia, and then back to New York where I’ve made my home for the past 5 and a half years. That journey flashes with so many characters and scenes and travels across the globe, some happy, some sad and everything in between. It makes me dizzy if I think about it for too long.
I used to feel so much a part of that narrative. No matter how much distance I got from December 1, 1992, I was still that character, playing that role. I was this way because my dad was that way. I played the victim card, the martyr card, the lost card, the hopeless card, the trapped card. I let the role write the script instead of writing it myself.
It took a long time for me to understand how that’s a clear and certain road to disaster. No one wins in that scenario, least of all me. And it took me even more time to realize that it didn’t have to be that way. The beginning of a journey influences its course but it doesn’t define it. It is within our power, responsibility, and right to own the narrative of our lives.
We can fold, toss those old worn out cards into the center of the table, and walk away. It’s okay to leave it behind and continue on in a different direction. It’s healthy to do so. It’s required if we intend to do anything extraordinary with our lives. We can honor our past, our roots, and not feel shackled to them. What happened, happened. There’s no changing it. What happens next? Well, that’s up to us. It’s always up to us.
Wherever my dad is now, I hope he folded his hand, too, walked away from the table, and set out on a new course that was brighter than the one that was here among us. Every soul deserves that chance.
“To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.” ~ Mary Oliver
I walk through the world with my eyes and ears wide open. I take in as much information as I can, even if I’m not sure how or when or why it would be useful. I love those moments when I realize that something I saw, read, or learned years ago is now immediately relevant in my life. It really strengthens my faith in the power of curiosity and makes me wonder if there is always some divine work at play.
Are we given lessons now so that we acquire knowledge and experience that we will need many years down the road? Is today’s challenge preparing us to meet tomorrow with the increased sense of vigor and determination that we will need to get through?
Questions like this make any difficulty I face more palpable. Time and time again in my life, I’ve seen how this plays out. There are no coincidences. If I am willing to be a student in every experience, there is always something to learn that is useful down the line. Even the challenges. Especially the challenges. They are tough to live through but my goodness do they teach us better than any circumstance of our own design.
We innovate because we are challenged. We rise up because something attempts to keep us down. We reach out to others with empathy and compassion because we understand the circumstances they face and because someone gave us a hand up when we really needed it.
Awareness helps us to wake up to the gifts that this Universe has to offer, even if those gifts are cloaked in packages that seem undesirable. Pay attention to what the world offers – it’s found its way to our path for a reason. Our job is to make each of these lessons useful.
I love this decree by the Hopi Elders. There are many internet comments that say this was not written by the Hopi Elders even though it is heavily influenced by their sentiments. No matter. The sentiment is beautiful and worth sharing. When I read it yesterday I actually teared up a bit. It invites deep reflection followed by courageous action. Beware – you may feel highly inclined to better yourself in any and every way after the last line.
“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.
And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of The river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.
See who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over.
Gather yourselves!
Banish the word STRUGGLE; from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
“Your thoughts, words, and deeds are painting the world around you.” ~ Jewel Diamond Taylor
Life isn’t happening to you. You aren’t being forced into a job, relationship, home, frame of mind, or attitude. These are all choices. How your days unfold is a result of your decisions, one after the other.
And here’s the really beautiful part: everything, and I mean everything, can be changed, fixed, and improved. And the person to do that is you.
It is within your power, within your right, to have exactly the life you want. If something isn’t working, if something is bringing you down, then you can take the steps to correct that. You can move toward joy, from wherever you are right now.
Your life is your canvas; paint a picture you’ll never grow tired of looking at. Don’t accept anything less.
Well, folks, it’s happening. Despite my decision years ago to not age, Mother Nature is refusing to cooperate. How annoying.
Phin and I were out for our morning walk earlier this week and I noticed that my distance vision was not as sharp as I remember it being. For a number of years I’ve had a very mild prescription for glasses to sharpen my distance vision. I didn’t really need them to see, just to reduce strain caused by an astigmatism. Now it seems their necessity may be upon me.
Of course I went home and immediately started Googling to find eye strengthening exercises that I’ve been doing each night before I go to bed. Mother Nature may not be willing to help me out, but she can’t tell me not to help myself.
This week I also began to find a couple of consistent white hairs, not just stray ones few and far between. At first I plucked them and dropped them in the trash convinced that this was just a fluke. My few and far between white hairs obviously just all decided to show up on the same day at the same time, but certainly others would not be joining them any time soon.
Still, I wasn’t taking any chances. And so I started to color my hair, not just to mix up my look, but because it’s now actually needed. Those white hairs are a reminder of the one thing I will never be able to do, no matter how hard I try – stop time from passing.
Why is aging so tough? Why do we fight it every step of the way (with or without Oil of Olay)?
We hang on to what we know, and we know youth. We don’t know old age. We have no idea what it has in store for us, but we’ve heard stories. Scary stories of illness and pain and difficulty. And those stories are enough to make us want to stay right where we are.
I got home yesterday to find the latest copy of Yoga Journal in my mailbox. This month’s theme? Aging, with grace. The Universe has one wicked sense of humor. It’s also supremely skilled at giving us exactly the message we need exactly when we need to hear it. If only we could quiet down long enough to hear it!
I made my way upstairs to my apartment to begin reading the messages the Universe clearly wanted me to understand, but not until after I finished my eye exercises.
“Despite the forecast, live like it’s Spring.” ~ Lilly Pulitzer
“To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.” ~ Mary Oliver
Christa Avampato 