The other day someone did something very unkind to me. It was a selfish, self-centered, and rude thing. And no matter how much I tried to express that his actions hurt me, he didn’t relent. He barely apologized, and even that was only after I pointed out that he hadn’t. (There’s nothing worse than apology that you have to ask for.)
Eventually I did the most remarkable thing, a thing that surprised me because I wasn’t so sure I was capable of it in this instance. I forgave him. Not in the sense of forgiving and forgetting. I’m blessed (cursed?) with a memory that doesn’t fade. Ever. But I let go of the anger I felt toward him. The hurt. The impulse to give him a piece of my mind, tell him just how I felt, and hurt him in the same way that he hurt me. I just stopped.
There is something freeing about letting go of these kinds of emotions and the person who incited them in us. All of sudden there is a wellspring of energy, love, and kindness that can be used for something (and someone else) better and more productive. I don’t condone his behavior and I don’t allow myself to be hurt in any way by him anymore. Complete and total disengagement gave me a way to take care of myself without causing harm to him.
George Saunders commencement speech really helped me see that this was the right path in this instance. Many people may disagree with this idea. They may consider this letting go without giving someone exactly what he deserved as a sign of weakness. I don’t. When we inflict pain of any kind on someone else, we are also harming ourselves and often at a far higher cost. That’s not a cost I am willing to pay, and it is a cost that I am certain that this person bears already. His life is lonely. He is unhappy, and that is punishment enough for anyone. I actually feel sorry for him though I also understand that his unhappiness is a choice that he made. It takes strength to walk away without retaliation of any kind. And honestly, I’ve got much better, brighter, happier ways to spend my energy. I’ve got work, good work, to do and good people in my life. That’s where and with whom I intend to put my efforts.
The short of it:
Writer. Health, education, and art advocate. Theater and film producer. Visual artist. Product geek. Proud alumnae of the University of Pennsylvania (BA) and the Darden School of Business at the University of Virginia (MBA). Inspired by ancient wisdom & modern tech. Proliferator of goodness. Opener of doors. Friend to animals. Fan of creative work in all its wondrous forms. I use my business skills to create passion projects that build a better world. I’ve been called the happiest New Yorker, and I try hard to live up to that title every day.
The long of it:
My career has stretched across Capitol Hill, Broadway theatre, education, nonprofit fundraising, health and wellness, and Fortune 500 companies in retail, media, entertainment, technology, and financial services. I’ve been a product developer and product manager, theater manager, strategic consultant, marketer, voice over artist, , teacher, and fundraiser. I use my business and storytelling to support and sustain passion projects that build a better world. In every experience, I’ve used my sense of and respect for elegant design to develop meaningful products, services, programs, and events.
While building a business career, I also built a strong portfolio as a journalist, novelist, freelance writer, interviewer, presenter, and public speaker. My writing has appeared in The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, PBS.org, Boston.com, Royal Media Partners publications, and The Motley Fool on a wide range of topics including business, technology, science, health, education, culture, and lifestyle. I have also been an invited speaker at SXSW, Teach for America, Avon headquarters, Games for Change, NYU, Columbia University, Hunter College, and the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America. The first book in my young adult book series, Emerson Page and Where the Light Enters, was acquired by a publisher and launched in November 2017. I’m currently working on the second book in the series.
A recovering multi-tasker, I’m equally at home in front of my Mac, on my yoga mat, walking my rescue dog, Phineas, traveling with a purpose, or practicing the high-art of people watching. I also cut up small bits of paper and put them back together as a collage artist.
My company:
I’m bringing together all of my business and creative career paths as the Founder of Double or Nothing Media:
• I craft products, programs, and projects that make a difference;
• I build the business plans that make what I craft financially sustainable;
• I tell the stories that matter about the people, places, and products that inspire me.
Follow my adventures on Twitter at https://twitter.com/christanyc and Instagram at https://instagram.com/christarosenyc.
View all posts by Christa Avampato
2 thoughts on “This just in: Being kind even when it’s not deserved”
So well said and well lived! Life is short and energy precious. I love how you established a healthy boundary with clarity, care for yourself and freedom from retaliation and bitterness.
Christa Avampato 
So well said and well lived! Life is short and energy precious. I love how you established a healthy boundary with clarity, care for yourself and freedom from retaliation and bitterness.
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Thanks, Jan. It wasn’t easy but it is certainly necessary!
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