Do you feel like you’re making a mess by following your heart? That happens. Every day, I have to sift my way through a to-do list that’s always too long and never done, competing sets of priorities, different opportunities that fly across my eyes and get lodged in my mind. Last night I got to 8:00pm after working since 6:00am and I left like the spaghetti that was coiled around my dinner fork as I sat at my computer, still playing catch-up. I had to laugh at myself. Why did my desk seem to get more cluttered, not less, as the day went on?
I sat in the middle of my mess – on my desk and in my mind – and tried to see the beauty. It was there. It always is. Inspirations on scraps of papers in separate piles, contacts scribbled on my whiteboard, reference material tacked on my cork boards, an endless slate of tabs open in my internet browser.
I grabbed Phin’s leash and we took a spin around the chilly block in the dark. Winter’s settling in again and I’m looking forward to it. I always do. A time for hunkering down. The darkness outside always reminds me of the light within. It lets me be alone in my thoughts. It gives me time to play in my favorite place, my imagination. It also hides just enough of the messy work of creativity so that I can’t really be bothered by my ability to only see the very next step and not the whole staircase of my path.
In the dark, I plod on one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Inch by inch. I build whatever it is I’m building brick by brick, without a set blueprint nor timeline. The thing with creative work is that you can set the stage but you can’t force the action. It comes in bits and pieces and you have to grab them as they arrive. I always find walking helps them rise to the top. We actively move them out of our minds and into being.
I got back home with Phin. He headed for his warm bed. I went back to my desk. The mess was still there – after all I am by choice flying solo with this work so no one else is going to do this for me – but now I could see the order appearing. On its own terms, though getting clearer all the time.
Christa Avampato 