Can we be grateful for really difficult circumstances? And I don’t mean being able to articulate sayings like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “every cloud has a silver living”. I’m not asking if we can adopt the idea of “chin up”, “look on the bright side”, or “see opportunity in every difficulty”. I want more than that.
Brian and I have started to talk about the possibility of actually being grateful that my childhood home was in a near-constant state of distress. This isn’t making lemonade out of lemons. This is about actually wanting the lemons. I’m not there yet, but the idea is something that I could never even conceive of before now. If it were in my power, I would go back and change my circumstances. I would roll the dice again, knowing that my life as it is now would not be the same had I grown up in a house with less trauma. I’m still too angry, even after all these years, to let that dream go just yet. I still feel cheated.
I feel that I am moving toward transcendence, very close to being able to release the guilt, shame, remorse, and yes, anger. In order for me to fulfill my dharma, and in turn to release my father from his in this lifetime, I’m going to have to move beyond forgiveness. There is more work to do after forgiveness. In order for both of us to be truly free, I will eventually need to bid my dad’s spirit a fond farewell with a sincere thank you for teaching me exactly what my soul needed to learn, exactly when I needed it. That’s a tough thing to imagine coming to fruition, but I’m going to give it a try.
Christa Avampato 