“Your relationship needs to be a source of joy. Don’t forget that.” ~ Brian
At 35, I finally feel ready to begin a lifelong relationship. This was a long road – about a decade longer than I imagined it would be. For a while I thought that I might just date forever because it seemed like it would be much more fun than all the ways that a bigger commitment could go wrong. I’ve seen too many friends and family members have their hearts ripped apart my a romantic commitment gone wrong. It was hard enough to watch these relationships end as an outsider to the situation. I wasn’t sure I could handle it on my own. Despite my sometimes-too-tough exterior, there’s a fairly intense fear of heartbreak and disappointment locked up inside me.
I talked to Brian about this last week about my recent dating experiences. I’ve gotten quite good at figuring out very quickly if there’s real potential with a guy I’m dating. Brian had me make up a list of my nonnegotiables in an effort to build up my perception skills in dating. That’s been working well, but I just can’t believe how many frogs there are! And then he said something I had forgotten in all the hustle and bustle of dating. Meeting the right person and being with him is a source of joy. I was so focused on my list that I forgot to visualize what it will be like to be with that right guy. Focusing on the work of dating, I lost the picture of what it’s like to be with the right person.
With the idea of joy, something strange happened. The fear I felt about falling in love again just melted. The possibility of heartbreak and disappointment didn’t seem so scary anymore when I concentrated on making the choices in my life that bring more joy. Sometimes that means moving toward something or someone and sometimes that means moving away. It’s all just a pursuit of what creates the most joy. And yes sometimes those choices are tough and are cause for compromise or change, but in the end they all serve the same purpose. We’re just trying to make our days as meaningful as they can be.
Christa Avampato 