“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can take the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.” ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Johanna, one of my yoga teachers, frequently talks to us about obstacles. Tight hamstrings, a lack of patience, distractions of the mind that impede our focus. For a while those inner obstacles will allow themselves to be ignored, but the longer we refuse to recognize them, the more angry they get until they are unbearable. As Johanna explained to us, they will eventually become so tired of being ignored that they will flare up in our lives in ways that force us to acknowledge and deal with them. “So hand them a rose and say, ‘I see you’,” Johanna counsels us.
This is hard stuff. We want to believe that obstacles are just things we can plow right through if we’re truly strong people. And so when the obstacles bog us down, we beat ourselves up. We say things like “this shouldn’t bother me” or “I should just get over it” or “I’ll just let it go because it doesn’t really matter”. Johanna made me wonder if we might be better served to acknowledge something that is distracting or bothering us with a simple “I see you. I understand you. You’re here to teach me something.”
I’m not sure how Johanna does this, but she always addresses an issue I’m having in my life at the most timely moment and her wisdom is powerful. This weekend a friend of mine tried to get me to do something I knew I just couldn’t do and still remain true to myself. He wanted me to publish an interview in my Examiner column about a friend of his, and the profile just didn’t fit with the purpose of my column which is to inspire would-be entrepreneurs to start their own businesses. In the past I would have just published the piece, even though I knew it wasn’t something I could be proud of, because I wouldn’t want a friend to be angry with me. When I told him that the piece didn’t fit with the focus of my column and I apologized for not being able to run it, he sent me back an email that really hurt my feelings. I felt “up against it” as Johanna would say. I was really angry. And rather than just rolling over, I held my ground. I acknowledged the anger and said, “I see you. I understand you. I know I need to stand up to my friend in order to be true to myself, and I will do just that.”
And then a funny thing happened. Rather than still feeling angry or hurt my friend, I felt a release. I have an issue with creating and maintaining boundaries. In the past, I’ve allowed people in my personal life to push me around and this behavior has hurt me for many years. Setting boundaries and sticking to them in my personal life is very hard for me. “Old habits die hard,” Brian tells me consistently. I really wanted to do something that would prevent my friend from being angry with me, but I couldn’t do that and still be authentic. And if I do nothing else, I have to be true to who I am and put work out into the world that I am proud of. Anyone who asks me to compromise that isn’t really a friend at all. And that’s a hard truth to accept, but I’m trying.
The image above is not my own. It can be found here.
Christa Avampato 
Christa:
It’s clear you have been dealing with several challenging issues in your life. You try your best to deal with such issues. You are a brave soul; keep up the good work.
I have just the poem for you: it will help you, me thinks, on the journey of your life. This is an inspirational poem; it is a motivational poem. You should stick it on the door of your fridge and read it first thing in the morning or whenever you feel the chips are down or feel down with those “moody blues.” It is a beautiful poem which will lift your spirits.
The poem is titled, “If” by Rudyard Kipling, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature. You can google it and obtain a print-out. If not, you can find this poem in your local bookstore or library. Just ask the customer service representatives and I am sure they will help you.
When I read this post–in particular–I immediately thought of this poem. And I thought it would be the wise thing to do to reach out to you and share this poem with you. I hope reading this poem puts a smile on your face. Cheers!
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Hi Archan! I love the poem “If” – so powerful. Thank you for this recommendation. You’re completely right – I need to give it a read now. 🙂
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i love “If” and I love the Oriah Mountain Dreamer poem. am so with you on the boundaries and not wanting to disappoint others. it is hard work but you ARE evolving. bravo. it’s not easy.
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Thanks, Col! We went through a lot in 2009, right? An entire year that was a lesson in evolving.
Boundary setting is so tough for me. How’s it going for you?
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Add me to the group of women (coincidence?) dealing w/ boundaries – learning to be able to say “no,” knowing that you’re disappointing someone, and being ok with that. Where did we get the idea that we should never disappoint people?
For me, the key in deciding whether/how to draw a line with someone comes from yoga’s yamas, actually…namely, from mindfully balancing ahimsa (nonviolence) and satya (truthfulness). In my yoga training, I learned to uphold ahimsa above all else. For me, this translates as: there’s honesty, and then there’s brutal honesty, and sometimes brutal honesty has to stay in the pages of my journal while I find a true but less inflammatory way to express myself to someone. That way, I am being true, while also being non-violent.
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Hi Amanda,
I love that you could relate this post to the yamas and that destinction between honesty and brutal honesty is so important. That really helps me to hear you give that type of descirption. Mucho thanks, as always, for your wise counsel!
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