I tell wonder-filled stories about hope and healing
I’m really excited to share that Help in the Ashes, a personal essay I wrote about my apartment building fire and the work of healing I did in the aftermath of it, was just published in the literary journal Earl of Plaid. This is my first piece selected by a literary journal, and I’m thrilled to be included with the other authors in the volume entitled Blue Collar Royalty, the first of their quarterly journals that includes nonfiction essays.
You can read my bookmarked essay by clicking here.
I’m a big believer in writing down my wildest dreams and hopes in my own handwriting. It worked for finding my dream job. And now it’s worked for Phin. Yesterday, I had to take Phin for an MRI. He was having intense pain, but I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. While I waited for him, I wrote him a letter about how I wanted this situation to unfold. It was a hopeful wish against all odds. 15 minutes later the neurologist called me and delivered exactly the news I had written down moments before. She even used some of the exact same words I had written down. It was wild! It is a minor issue that we can fix with medication and rest for two weeks. Call it karma, the power of prayer, or magic. Whatever it is, I know it works. If you’ve got wishes, write them down.
Here’s the letter I wrote to Phin:
“Dear Phineas,
I really need you to be okay, buddy. You’ve been through so much in the last set of months, too much for a dog so sweet and loving. I know you are strong and brave, and that we have many more adventures ahead of us. We still have quite a way to travel together so I know you are going to pull through this latest blip like the champ that you are.
We’re going to look back and shake our heads at this. Once on the other side, we’re going to be very grateful that this wasn’t serious at all, only something minor and easily fixed in no time. You’re going to be happy, healthy, and whole. I just know it. You already are. These tests are just to be 100% certain of it, without a trace of doubt left.
From now, we’re going to take it easy. Just snuggles and walks and laughs together. Many more years of them. This reality already exists for us. I’m just pulling it out of the ether now. We have a house to buy (eventually), a beau for me (and a dad for you!) to find, and a city to explore. Hikes in Shenandoah. Roosevelt Island, the monuments around the Tidal Basin, Rock Creek Park, the C&O Canal.
You have so much life and love and adventure still in you. So have faith and courage. We’ll face this together head on, as we always have, as we always will.
Summer is almost here. The warm air and the long, happy days filled with sunshine are just around the bend and I can’t wait to share them with you on our long walks together. All is well. All good things.
Love,
Your mom”
One of the best things about starting my career in theater is that I got used to rejection very early on in my life. Now every once in a while I get disappointed, but in a few minutes (literally) I always make the choice to channel that energy into something positive. I rise up out of the ashes of rejection, more determined than ever.
This scenario played out recently when I started to submit personal essays for publication in literary journals. One essay in particular, Help in the Ashes, was very important to me. It was about how I came full circle in my healing after my apartment building fire. With a lot of help, time, and support from my therapist and friends, I learned to be grateful for that day, to see it as my own Alive Day. It also helped me come to terms with a lot of other difficult circumstances in my past.
I submitted Help in the Ashes to about 10 publications before it was accepted. It will be published by the literary journal Earl of Plaid on April 1st in their “Blue Collar Royalty” issue. So if you’re in the midst of rejection, particularly as a writer, please don’t give up. Rejection can be hard to take, but don’t let it stop you. The world needs your voice and ideas just as much as it needs anyone else’s. Rise up and keep going.
Yesterday I wrote an article about the most successful women investors. It’s a subject that doesn’t get much attention, and I’m impressed by the foresight of my editors to assign it. After doing my research, I’m tremendously inspired by these women and what they’ve accomplished in a heavily male-dominated industry. They received plenty of hate mail, discouragement, and flat out sabotage from male counterparts, and they didn’t let it stop them. Instead they used it as fuel to reach higher. I’ll be very excited to see this one published, share their stories, and inspire others. I’ll post the link when it’s live.
We are what we think, and what I wanted to think about were the blessings of life, large and small. I wanted to be wowed; I wanted to laugh; I wanted to stay positive and send that positive energy to my dog, Phineas, as I waited for the results of his tests by the neurologists.
So I meditated, helped my nieces get ready for school, and watched CBS This Morning. I wrote some articles about the trend of curation in education, jobs that won’t be lost to advancing technology, the wine industry in Northern California, and personal finance lessons learned by women in their 30s. I read about the restoration of wild Amur tigers in Russia, a 200-year-old mummy found meditating in lotus position, astronomers’ discovery of a planet that has a ring system 200 times the size of Saturn’s ring system, and Nerdgirl’s blog contest to celebrate her 39th birthday at Noma Tokyo with a blind date.
And you know what? It helped. It helped a lot. Of course I was still nervous for Phin. Back surgery, especially for a dachshund, is a very serious procedure. Phin isn’t like family to me; he is family. His rehabilitation could be long and tedious. With proper care, his recovery is highly likely but not guaranteed. So the best I can do now is keep my head up, my ears open, and my thoughts as optimistic and as realistic as possible. Writing, reading, and laughing helps.
As I said earlier in the week, I read a short passage of The Poisonwood Bible before going to sleep and it’s working wonders. Here’s another bit of writing that’s come from my dreams and I scribbled down in the wee hours of the morning while half asleep:
“Maybe she’ll grow up to be like us. But I hope she’s braver and more courageous than that; I want her to grow up to be herself.”
The storm danced toward the sunny shore, consuming it, not out of will but because it was called to do it. I just didn’t know by whom. A thousand strands of light struck from cloud to ground. It was artful in its destruction, if it’s possible to do something so terrible with grace. It was strange to face the sea and the sun, and then turn around and see the advancing rage of the darkest swirling clouds.
I did my best to find the notes of subtlety and press play.
I’m trying a new writing practice. I read a bit of The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver before going to bed (which is an incredible book!), and then I set my iPad next to my bed with an email to myself already set up. I’ve found that this book’s language is doing radical things to my writing, in my dreams. I have the iPad at the ready to capture words I’ve dreamed. Here’s last night’s bit:
“She mixed the ingredients together, like a sorceress, like a doting grandmother makes meatballs or matzo, with such care and tradition and love. It was best to not disturb the magic.”
I don’t know where this is going or what it’s for, but I do know The Poisonwood Bible is good for me.
Eventually we all face this question: walk away or try harder? I face this kind of choice every day, multiple times a day, especially at that dark 3:00am hour. It happens so often that I’ve had to devise a method to calm myself down and thinking clearly. The beauty of this simple system is that it lets me respond to my fear and doubt without being consumed by them. I ask myself four questions:
1. Do I find joy in doing X?
2. Am I helping someone by doing X?
3. If I stop doing X now, will I regret it?
4. Is what I’m giving up to do X worth the tradeoff?
Sometimes these questions showed me that I did need to walk away. That walking away wasn’t easy or pain-free, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Compass Yoga, the nonprofit I founded and recently dissolved, is an example of that. Other pursuits, like my writing, proved to be things that I decided to double down on. These questions aren’t one and done. I re-evaluate regularly, sometimes hourly, and these questions help me get through the process so I can get on with my life. I hope they work for you, too.
Where the Light Enters is my first novel. I wrote the first draft in November and now I’m in the midst of the first edit. I’ve read lots of advice on the process of editing and the structure of the task. I decided that the best structure for me is one scene per day. And I really work that scene from overall book structure right down to the word choice. It’s like being a scientist—I put the scene on a slide and mess with it through a microscope to see if I can get something to happen.
I ask myself a lot of questions as I peer through the microscope. Why does this scene really matter to the overall structure of the book? What information and ideas need to be conveyed that are critical to the story, and how can I convey them through action? What are the characters’ relationships and motivations, and why are they important? I like this intense dive into a 2-inch picture frame of the book. The idea is that when I edit that last scene the book will have been through five drafts one scene at a time.
The value of intensity, focus, and merciless reworking? (Hopefully) priceless.
“Everything exposed to the light becomes the light.” ~St. Paul
Yesterday I revisited the writing I did on my trip to India in 2012 to prepare some of my essays for magazine submissions. In my re-reading I found this quote by St. Paul that is especially poignant in the wake of the events in Paris this week at Charlie Hebdo.
People all over the world have come together to stand up against the violence and intolerance of the attackers, and stand for freedom of expression, especially in the face of fear and grieving. With enough time, light always wins and that truth helps me to keep looking up. I hope it helps you, too, and those around the world who need this message now more than ever. Je suis Charlie. We are all Charlie. We are all light.
Christa Avampato 