Month: June 2011

experience, learning, teaching, yoga

Beginning: Why You Need to Know What You’re Doing

Christa Avampato

“If you know what you’re doing, you can do what you want.” ~ Moshe Feldenkrais

“Awareness is the first tool of change.” ~ Arturo Peal

Sometimes you can play the game of fake it ’til you make it. You can make it up as you go along, and hope that it all goes well. I’m not an enormous fan of winging it. My MO is to plan, plot, and prepare. In the past year, I have let go of some of that. I do feel a little more at ease taking life as it comes when there simply is no other option. Winging it is still a last resort for me.

Practice helps
I believe there is something really powerful about the art of practice. Through discipline we continuously improve and build an awareness that helps refine our skills. The goal of practice isn’t to be perfect; it’s to be the best version of ourselves at every moment. When we are aware we are always in a state of learning. It’s a virtuous cycle: the more aware we become, the more we learn, and the more we learn, the better we become in our chosen field.

Choose your direction
It’s that idea of our chosen field that came to find when Arturo shared Moshe Feldenkrais’s famous saying, and then added his own thoughts about awareness as the prime tool to generate change. It’s an especially relevant concept for teachers. Teaching is a performance, and yes, you absolutely need to roll with the punches. However, it’s much easier to roll with those punches if you know what you’re doing, at least in a broad sense if not specifically. When I was in business school at Darden, I could always tell who was a seasoned master case method teacher. Their delivery, commentary, and ability to steer the conversation without stifling the students’ creativity always impressed me. Their practice over many years made all the difference.

I consider all of the times in my life when I’ve been really frustrated, when I’m just not sure what to do next or how to get out of the rut I so much want to leave behind. There’s nothing that gets me down more than the feeling that I’m spinning my wheels to no avail. These moments find me most often when I just don’t know what I’m doing. This feeling attacks my confidence and sense of ease. If I can just take a deep breath, crank up my awareness, and recall when I’ve been in a similar situation before, I can begin to find my way one step at a time. My confidence builds, my ease returns, and I begin to do the work I want to do.

You can prepare to adapt
Preparation and improvisation don’t need to be mutually exclusive. I’m beginning to see that our ability to effectively prepare while also being able to handle unexpected change is the very best way of living. To take our lives in the direction we want them to go, we need to know which road to take even if we don’t know all the turns that will crop up along the way. Our preparation helps us choose the right road. Our ability to adapt helps us navigate the inevitable twists and turns.

creativity, experience, teaching, yoga

Beginning: If You’re Going to Experiment, You Need a Laboratory

Christa Avampato
From smashingapps.com

“Experimentation is an active science.” ~ Claude Bernard

The only way anyone can really learn to teach is to practice. No amount of book learning or observation (and I am an enormous fan of both practices!) can really prepare us to stand before a group of willing minds and bodies who want to learn what we know. We have to take our place at the helm of a class and give it a whirl, over and over and over again.

This is especially true when learning to teach yoga. The cadence, tone, and volume of our voices, how we tread the lines of observing our students, adjusting them verbally and physically, demonstrating, and giving them information about a posture’s benefits all take a good deal of practice. To practice we need a laboratory – a place where we can try experiment and play to gauge what works and what doesn’t. My laboratory for teaching is my free class at the New York Public Library on Wednesday nights at 6:00pm.

Tonight we started class with a few postures that I learned over the weekend at my therapeutic yoga training at Integral Yoga. These postures are more based in Traditional Chinese Medicine  than yoga, and asked if they’d be willing to give them a go so I could practice teaching them. Gracious as always, they were more than happy to give them a try to help me out. It was a great gift for me to practice receiving help, something that is sometimes difficult for me to request. I’m used to giving all the time; the students were more than happy to be able to give in return.

Labs gives us the chance to try what’s difficult for us, which is often exactly what we need to do, and it promotes the growth of the individual and the participating community. It also opened up the dialogue. The students felt more willing to ask question than they have in other classes. Rebecca, the head librarian at Bloomingdale who makes this class possible, walked me out after the class. “I have to miss next week’s class and I’m not happy about it. This one hour of class makes my whole week manageable.”

And that’s the benefit I didn’t know a lab could provide – the freedom it represents gives all of us permission to check our cares at the door and for a brief time just be.

community, community service, health, healthcare, meditation, military

Beginning: Operation Warrior Wellness Strives to Bring Transcendental Meditation to 10,000 Veterans

Christa Avampato

“1% of the U.S. population serves in the military; that 1% is protecting the other 99%.” ~ Ed Schloeman, Vietnam Marine Veteran; Co-chair Operation Warrior Wellness

I was invited by Kaitlyn Roberts at Social Radius to attend an event at Urban Zen in honor of Operation Warrior Wellness New York City. Operation Warrior Wellness has one, big, audacious – to teach 10,000 Transcendental Meditation (TM) as a means to treat PTSD. 550,000 troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from PTSD, and it’s estimated that for every one of those vets 10 other people – family members and friends also feel the effects by watching their loved one struggle with this illness. 5,550,000 people – and those are only the ones who have been effected by our most recent wars. There are countless others from previous conflicts who have been suffering from untreated PTSD for decades.

Why our vets need our help
With 1:7 veterans returning from duty with PTSD, the VA is overrun with demands they can’t handle. Medications aren’t working. The suicide rates and divorce rates are through the roof. Drug and alcohol abuse is rampant among returning veterans. 40% of the homeless people in the U.S. are veterans. It is too expensive (approximately $6.2B biannually) and flat-out ineffective to treat veterans with PTSD through traditional Western methods. The VA needs help from another source; it needs a better way forward.

How TM may help
Since the 1950’s people have turned to TM as a form of treatment to reduce a variety of anxiety disorders. Some studies have suggested that TM has reduced symptoms from PTSD by 50%. Further research is needed to explore these initial findings, and The David Lynch Foundation is hoping to conduct larger scale research studies in the coming years. Practitioners have explained that TM provides a way for soldiers to relieve the recall. All these veterans want is an end to the endless noise that replays over and over in their minds. Russell Simmons, an avid supporter of TM and Operation Warrior Wellness, explains, “When the mind is still, the world surrenders. Our vets need meditation, not medication.” Ed Schloeman made a call to action by saying that, “We owe our soldiers their quiet time. They need to feel whole again.”

The David Lynch Foundation and The Urban Zen Foundation, the partners who collaborated to found Operation Warrior Wellness with the inspiration and passionate energy of Jerry Yellin, a World War II Army Fighter Pilot and Co-chair of Operation Warrior Wellness, have taken on an enormous task in beginning this movement. In addition to helping veterans, The David Lynch Foundation also services schools, homeless shelters, American Indians, inmates, and at-risk children in violence ridden regions around the world. Their work is one of the efforts that is turning the tide to join Eastern and Western medicine together into a holistic healing system.

Learn more
For more information on how you can contribute to the cause of Operation Warrior Wellness, please visit http://www.davidlynchfoundation.org/

harmony, health, teaching, yoga

Beginning: Help Someone in Need with Space or Support

Christa Avampato

Cover for Arturo's latest meditation CD
“When you see a student needs help, ask yourself one question: does she need space or support?” ~ Arturo Peal, Teacher

During my last teaching session this weekend in my therapeutic yoga teacher training, I had a student, Rebecca, who was having a tough time getting comfortable on her side. I placed more padding under her hip and that didn’t help. I called Arturo over and rather than just telling me what to do, he asked me a question to help me find my way – the mark of an exceptional teacher. “Does she need space or support?” he asked me. The support under Rebecca’s hip didn’t help, so she what she needed was space so her hip could relax. “And how can you give her space?” Arturo asked me. “Prop under the rib cage and under the knee so the hip floats,” I replied. He smiled his big, beautiful smile, and moved on. It was the proudest moment of my weekend. Maybe even the proudest moment of my teaching.

After the class, Arturo told me he had learned this question of space and support from Judith Lasater, a brilliant P.T. and yoga teacher who is deeply associated with therapeutic yoga. Arturo took a number of anatomy workshops with her as part of his holistic wellness training. Arturo has deep and varied credential as a certified yoga therapist and anatomy instructor, and also has a Master’s degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine, is a certified Craniosacral Therapist, and earned a 4th degree black belt in Aikido, “the Way of harmonious spirit”. He’s been teaching and working with students in all of these areas for 30+ years, and his accumulated, assimilated, deep wisdom shows in his manner and in all of his instruction. I highly recommend taking a workshop, retreat, or class with him whenever you have the chance.

I’ve thought a lot about the quote above by Arturo over the past few days. The best parts of yoga I find are in their application way off the mat – as we’re walking through our day, interacting with others, and building lives and relationships. Whenever we see someone with any kind of need, whether that’s an adjustment in a yoga posture, a problem at work, a problem in a relationship, or in dealing with an emotion like anger, trauma, sadness, loss, frustration, or anxiety, there is always an answer to the question, “do they need support or space?” Does someone need a hug or do they need to be left alone? Do they need advice or do they just need someone to listen silently?

Every challenge we face needs either support or space – the key to transformative care, teaching, and healing that helps students on the deepest levels is to know which to apply when.

health, stress, teaching, yoga

Beginning: A Weekend of Therapeutic Yoga and a Proposal for You

Christa Avampato

Cheri Clampett guiding a student through a therapeutic yoga posture
“You are already perfect, whole, and complete. The work we do, the work of yoga, is to remove the obstacles to our own truth.” ~ Cheri Clampett

I spent the weekend at Integral Yoga Institute for Cheri Clampett and Arturo Peal‘s Therapeutic Yoga Teacher Training. In the coming weeks, I’ll be sharing a lot about all of the powerful lessons that Cheri and Arturo generously handed to all of us.

What is Therapeutic Yoga?
Therapeutic Yoga, as Cheri and Arturo have defined it, combines restorative yoga, gentle yoga, Traditional Chinese Medicine, massage, breathwork, energy work, and guided meditation. A session is composed of a handful of poses, supported with props as needed, that are held for 5 – 15 minutes each. The goal is to help the student deeply relax into a meditative state, exerting minimal effort, by having each pose tailor-adjusted to meet the needs of the individual. In this way, therapeutic yoga is available to everyone regardless of age or health issues. Even people who are in the final days of their lives can find comfort in these postures. It is truly a practice for everyone.

Teacher as guide
All weekend, I was struck by the honesty, grace, and kindness that Cheri and Arturo gave to us through their own teaching. Though we covered a tremendous amount of material, I never felt rushed or stressed in their presence, and when it came time for me to work individually with my teaching partner, I didn’t feel the nervousness that I became so used to feeling when I went through my 200-hour training. All of a sudden, the knowledge that Cheri and Arturo gave to us was just there for me to freely incorporate into my usual teaching methods. It felt so natural that all I had to do was be with my partner and focus on what she needed. The class became all about her, and very little to do with me. I was just the guide who helped her open the door to her own peace.

What teaching teaches the teacher
When I got home, I went into the bathroom to wash my face. I looked up into the mirror and surprised myself. I actually looked younger. I had expected a full weekend of teacher training to leave feeling happy but spent, as it had during my 200 hour teacher training. Instead, I just felt present and whole in a way that I haven’t felt in some time. “I see now,” I thought. “So this is where I am supposed to be. This is the hour and method of my teaching.” I began to think of all of the people who could benefit from this practice, particularly those who are navigating their way through trauma such as veterans, police officers, care givers, those managing difficult illnesses, and people who are undertaking any kind of major transition in their lives. In that moment in the mirror, I became acutely aware of just how much I have to offer to those who want to heal. As Arturo said to us, “What feels good is good.” After this weekend, I feel amazing.

My offer to you
And now my proposal: In light of all this goodness that Cheri and Arturo shared so freely with us, I want to pay it forward. If you’re based in NYC and would like to have a free private therapeutic yoga session with me, or have a friend or family member who would be interested, I’d love to introduce you to the practice. Leave a comment, send me an email, FB message, tweet, or text, give me a ring, and we’ll find a time to make it happen. Thanks in advance for your partnership as I explore this path.

business, happiness, health, inspiration

Beginning: Monica McCarthy and Sara Alvarez Begin Their New Coaching Journeys

Christa Avampato

I am blessed with a life filled with inspiring friends. I love to feature the important work they’re doing out in the world. Today’s features fall to Monica McCarthy and Sara Alvarez, two women finding their voices through their writing and their practice as coaches.

Monica McCarthy with pup, Kenya
Monica McCarthy, the Lifestylista
One of her mantras: “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~ e.e. cummings

Monica and I met through Twitter. I was heading out to a Meetup for Tech Nerds and Monica tweeted me that it sounded interesting. I invited her to join me, and we’ve been karma pals ever since. While she’s been blogging for quite some time, she has recently revamped the blog as one piece of her broader life coaching site. Monica’s mission to help creative professionals and entrepreneurs craft lives they love.

On her gorgeous site, she officially describes herself as “a Certified Holistic Health Coach, Recovering Actor, Writer, Speaker, and proud pup parent (isn’t she pretty?) with no plans of retiring. Ever.”

Though these are the parts of her self-description that I love the most and explains why we were such fast friends:
“I Feel most alive when I trust my intuition.

I Dream of having a second home in France where I ride my bicycle to the café to read and eat my daily chocolate croissant.

I Fear mediocrity.

I Lust after all things travel and have been fortunate enough to live/work/perform in Germany/London/Scotland/Japan.

I Drink Green juice, Joe’s iced coffee, Malbec, and Guinness with equal fervor

I went from bartender to Broadway to being my own boss.

I Surmise I’m an ENFP (me, too!), Vatta, Pisces (again, me too!), with a Flowing Radiant Style Statement.

I Believe everyone is capable of the extraordinary.”

Isn’t this the kind of coach you want to help craft your life?

Sara Alvarez
Sara Alvarez, Founder of Sara Alvarez Artistic Wellness
One of her mantras: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama

I met Sara through yoga teacher training at Sonic Yoga and since then she has proven to be a bright, shiny, supportive light in my life. She recently completed her Holistic Health Practitioner certification and started a blog called Blissful Brides where she “tracks her personal experience as a Yoga teacher, Holistic Health Coach, and BRIDE.” Her business provides yoga and holistic health counseling for artists and professionals. With a heart as big as her home state of Texas, she is “dedicated to helping others follow their bliss and learn to make healthier lifestyle choices which will empower them to succeed in every aspect of life.”

Sara’s focus on a wellness plan that is “flexible, fun, and rewarding” makes her the perfect choice for people not only looking to improve their nutrition, but to also improve their lives.

I’m mighty proud to have these two ladies in my life, and I hope you’ll take the time to get to know them, too.

dreams, fear, strengths

Beginning: Surviving the Uh-oh Moment So We Can Have the Lives We Want

Christa Avampato

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” ~ Ambrose Redmoon

“Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.” ~ Dan Rather

Why is it that just when we are on the doorstep of doing exactly what we want to do, there is often a moment of hesitation and fear, a moment when we wonder, “Can I really do this?” I had this feeling yesterday around 5:00pm. I had just gotten onto the subway to head downtown to Integral Yoga Institute for my first session of Therapeutic Yoga Teacher Training with Cheri Clampett and Arturo Peal. I have been planning to take this training for a number of months and it’s the first training step I’m taking to transition my career full-time to work on Compass Yoga. And though I know this is the right path, that this is what the world needs and what I need, I had a very brief “uh-oh, what have I done?” moment.

This isn’t the first time this moment has crept up on me. As an actor and musician in college, I always had this exact same moment right before a show. I would literally be in the wings, on the verge of being sick, wishing I could just run for the exit. It happens to me when I speak publicly, whether I’m presenting or just asking a question in front of a large group of people. I often feel this moment just as I’m wrapping up a blog post and my finger is hovering over the “publish” button. Is what I’ve written too personal, too candid, or on a topic that is much too sensitive? There is something inherently scary about whole-heartedly putting ourselves out into the world, in front of others, and saying, “This is who I am.” How can we get comfortable with being uncomfortable? How do we remain equal parts vulnerable and strong?

Now that I’ve dealt with stage fright in all it’s forms for many years, I’ve got a few methods that I use that have never failed me:

1.) Remember that what you’re feeling is not unique and it’s okay to be afraid. I’ll even go one step further and say that if you aren’t afraid to do something new, it may not even be worth doing. Fear is a very human response and a sign that you care so much about what you’re about to do, that you want to honor its importance as much as you possibly can. The best way to honor your action’s importance is to keep going right through the fear!

2.) Remember your intention. For me, this path of Compass Yoga is the work of my lifetime; it is my contribution to humanity. On the doorstep of Integral Yoga Institute last night, I reminded myself of all of the people who will be helped by my work in therapeutic yoga, people who right now at this moment need that help and aren’t receiving it. I walked through that door for them.

3.) Remember what’s on the other side of your fear. There’s so much anxiety that resides in anticipation. Once I get to where I’m going, I’m fine. What I fear is the lead up to that uh-oh moment, not the action I’m taking in and of itself. Last week at the Urban Zen event I went to, Lauren Zander made a powerful comment about fear: on the other side of your fears are your life’s greatest accomplishments. So don’t run from fear, but run toward your future accomplishments, recognizing that fear is just a tiny bump on the road to great happiness.

4.) Carry an inspiration with you. When I’m really frightened, I remind myself of two very inspiring passages about moving through fear. The ideas behind them always help me walk through my uh-oh moments:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? ~ Marianne Williamson

Many of us have lived desert lives: very small on the surface, and enormous underground. Because of this, so often we feel we live in an empty space where there is just one cactus with one brilliant red flower on it, and then in every direction, 500 miles of nothing. But for those of us who will go 501 miles, there is something more. Don’t be a fool. Go back and stand under that one red flower and walk straight ahead for that last hard mile. Crawl through the window of your dream. ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

All this to say that I want you to keep going along whatever path you want to be on. You will have moments of fear, hesitation, and doubt. You may feel like a fraud, and on the surface this feeling may seem insurmountable. I assure you it is not; it is just part of the journey. Fear is an obstacle placed in your way only so that you can realize how much strength and conviction you really have. You have every right to have exactly the life you want, to do the work you really want to do, to help the people you want to help with your own gifts and talents. Push through.

change, choices, commitment, determination, Fast Company, impact

Beginning: Be a Positive Disruptor

Christa Avampato

“Look back and say, at least I didn’t lead no humdrum life. ROAM FREE.” ~ Wyoming Office of Tourism

The technology field helped restore dignity to the word disruptor. For too long “disruption” was equated with “distraction”, “bother”, and “nuisance”. Now the title of disruptor is sought after by every entrepreneur out there. They are upending markets and industries in the name of innovation and giving the people what they want. Authentic, creative, and endlessly optimistic, disruptors are the people whom I want to surround myself with; I like to think of myself as one of them.

The key is to be a positive disruptor with a focus on making everything you touch better than it was before you showed up on the scene. Luke Williams put together this piece for Fast Company on disruption that creates positive change. He implores you to become a part of it. Here are a few of his steps that particularly resonate with me, as well as some of my own personal examples in relation to Compass Yoga.

1.) Figure out what you want to disrupt, meaning what do you want to fix. Take a look around you – what gives you pain, what makes you angry, frustrated, sad, and confused. These emotions are great motivators to spur you to work for change. I was motivated to start Compass Yoga because so many yoga studios are inaccessible to people with serious health concerns, physical limitations, and little disposable income.

2.) Discover the clichés in your chosen area. This requires the ability to go from asking “why?” to “why not?” Why did yoga studios have to be so expensive? Why couldn’t people with physical limitation, the very people who need yoga the most, have access to top-quality classes? And why do so many yoga studios and instructors focus on exclusivity instead of acceptance?

3.) Bust up every cliché in your area. Now, the fun begins. This is your chance to be and build the change you want to see. Why couldn’t yoga be made affordable to everyone who wants to try it, whether that’s in a group class or a private session? Why couldn’t people with physical limitations take part in a comfortable setting? Why couldn’t yoga return to its roots of acceptance, generosity, and support for all people regardless of where they are along their own paths?

4.) Now scale. You are rare; so rare that there is no one else exactly like you. Your gifts and talents are incredible, valuable things. And honestly, you owe it to the rest of us to share them with as wide an audience as possible. Figure out how to get your work, products, and services to as many people as possible. You never know what it will inspire in others. The more people you can inspire, the more change you can create, and the more this world will begin to be a place you are abundantly proud and grateful to live in.

And here’s the best part – being a positive disruptor is a blast. Truly. You’ll have so much fun crafting your own path forward and you can revel in your own unique perspective. You’ll meet and connect with amazing people who will spur your creativity. You’ll do things you never even imagined were possible. Your energy level will go through the roof. As a positive disruptor, you will know how it feels to be truly alive.

change, decision-making, yoga

Beginning: Making the Leap from What You Are to What You Could Be

Christa Avampato

Artist: Hilary Morgan
“The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” ~ Charles DuBois via Dailygood.org

“That which we grip we are destined to lose. That’s what our yoga practice teaches us.” ~ Matthew Sanford

I talk to a lot of people every day who feel stuck. They want to do X but, for one reason or another they can’t. So they do Y because “it’s a good, steady gig with predictable results.” And besides, everyone tells them that X is a little too far-fecthed. “I should just stay where I am,” they say, with their heads hung low and the deafening sound of defeat. Part of me wants to give them a good swift kick to help them “snap out of it”, but I don’t believe in violence so instead I listen and encourage. I really do understand their position even though I don’t like it; I empathize with it because I’ve been there a time or two. “Stuck” is an uncomfortable place to be and yet also a hard place to leave. Shrugging it off and moving on often feels like a superhuman feat, and it’s scary. I encourage them to be scared, and shrug anyway because that’s worked for me.

A lesson in getting unstuck
I was recounting a “stuck” feeling to my coach, Brian, a few weeks ago, and explaining to him that I was getting nervous that I was approaching that terrifying point of releasing what I am for the hope of what I could be, specifically related to my plans for Compass Yoga. He explained that there really was no point in being afraid, to which I cocked my head to one side and looked at him with my “you’ve got to be kidding me” face. He continued, as he always does, despite my expression. “When you’re done, you’re done, and there’s no way to stay stuck. Your authenticity, your YOGA, Christa, will not allow it. You don’t control when you’re done. Eventually you will force yourself to make the leap from what you are to what you will be because no other option will be available.” It’s these powerhouse comments that keep me going back to Brian every week; he is a teacher in the truest sense of the term.

Real safety
I’ve previously talked about the fabricated idea of safety that too many of us have clung to for far too long. The surest way to safety is trust, in you, in others, in a grand plan that is much bigger than you and me. I’m not sure how or why karma works, and to be honest I don’t ever really need to know how or why. I do know the best things that have happened in my life have had absolutely nothing to do with plans I made. Making those plans was just practice for the real tests that came my way. What allowed me to move ahead on my path was not my plan but my ability to be open, to listen, and to learn from my new, unplanned circumstances. I learned to be a master adjuster.

A gentle way to transform
In no way am I suggesting that you chuck caution to the wind, quit everything you’re doing in your life, and go crazy with your dream journal. Not at all. My suggestion is simpler: sit and breath. Notice where you’re gripping, in your body and in your mind, and see if you can loosen the reins a bit. Notice where you’re closed off and see if you can begin to open. Once you feel open, then consider what you are and what you’d really like to be. Are they very different people? If not, what small change can you make today to bring you closer to what you could be? If so, can you begin to build the courage and the strength to leap?

care, crime, health, yoga

Beginning: Body Over Mind When Dealing with Trauma

Christa Avampato

“Our task must be to free ourselves.” ~ Albert Einstein

There’s no rule against having many sides to your personality. For too many years I thought I had to have one set of traits that didn’t contradict each other. My life as a child was chaotic and so as an adult I strove for consistency in every facet of my life. As I got older, I began to release some of the desire for consistency and found that at times I could be very assertive and at other times very shy. I could help and then ask for help when I needed it. I learned that there were times to be strong and times to let my vulnerability show. The key to balance between all of these different sides was authenticity, being in every moment. Authenticity always leads us to the appropriate behavior at the appropriate time. This idea of authenticity and being in the moment saved my life exactly twice.

A time for action
Had my head been able to rule my gut when my apartment building caught fire almost 2 years ago, I would not be here to write this post to you. Without a split second of conscious thought, I felt an incredibly assertive, unshakable strength in my belly. I literally flew down four floors, past burning apartments, and never felt my feet hit the ground. It was pitch black and I couldn’t see even an inch in front of me. It was as if I had been tightly blindfolded, and still I kept moving without hesitation. It that moment, my body chose life.

A time to give up
When I was a sophomore in college in Philadelphia I was robbed at knife point in the campus subway station. I was heading downtown to buy reeds for my saxophone at my favorite music shop. A man appeared in front of me without warning as I waited for my train, looming over me with a long, thin, sharp knife at my gut. “I don’t wanna hurt you; I just need your wallet.” All I could focus on was the gleam off of that blade. Without thinking I reached into my bag, grabbed my wallet, and handed it to him. He took the cash, handed the wallet back to me, and shooed me out of the station with the knife.

This time, I did feel my feet, and knees and face, hit the floor as I clumsily scrambled up the stairs. I felt like the subway station spit me out onto the sidewalk when I got to the surface. A naval officer was walking by and stopped to help me. He stayed with me while I talked to the police and even got me safely back to my dorm. Again, my gut chose life, but this time it chose life by giving up.

Both of these events brought on a good deal of trauma for me even though no bodily harm resulted from either incident. The pain and the harm was all in my mind and in my spirit. I was fearful and angry after both incidents, and wasn’t sure how to process either of those emotions. I was adrift, and I felt alone.

Recovery time
It took me a solid 6 months to get through the aftermath of the apartment building fire and over 2 years to get through the fear I felt on campus after the robbery. Help came in two completely different forms.

Asking for help
I credit my increased ability to ask for help with the shortened recovery time after the fire. I started working with my coach, Brian, as a result of the fire and it has proven to be one of the very best relationships of my life. When I was in college I was convinced that I had to get through the robbery on my own. If I didn’t feel okay, I needed to fake it. I didn’t go to counseling and I rarely talked about the incident with my friends. I beat myself up for giving that man my wallet; I didn’t honor the quiet strength of surrender that had saved my life.

How healing begins
With the fire, I couldn’t pretend to be okay. I would be walking down the street and suddenly be hysterical sitting on the curb. I couldn’t buy anything and I couldn’t hang up anything on the walls of my apartment. I was clearly not okay, and the guy I was dating at the time just wanted me to “get over it.” My friend, Rob, knew better and he referred me to Brian. Brian helped me reclaim my authenticity, find my voice, and taught me about the balance we can and should strike between strength and vulnerability.

After two years of completely avoiding the Philadelphia subway, Paul, my senior year boyfriend, suggested we take the train downtown. I couldn’t walk down the steps, and for the first time I told him the story about the robbery. We could have just walked or taken a cab. Instead, he grabbed my hand, guided me down the stairs, got on the train with me, and let me just cry it out. He literally cracked my heart open so I could begin to heal.

We can’t go it alone
We have the ability to be appropriately tough and soft. Our body knows exactly which way to be at every moment. It’s our mind that gets in the way. It’s the stories we tell ourselves that really send us into a tailspin. The hardest part of dealing with trauma is not the incident that causes it; it’s the sifting that our mind has to do once the danger recedes. Once we are through the physical cause of the trauma, we are left with so much to process and rarely can we do that processing alone. The mind needs patience and time, and very often the loving heart and healing of another person to help make us whole again. That person can be a teacher, a partner, a friend. What those going through trauma must know is that they don’t have to go it alone; there is someone who can help if only we can be strong enough, and equally vulnerable, to let someone else in.

What these incidents mean for my yoga teaching
These two incidents, and several other periods that I went through earlier in my life, led me to a strong interest in trauma and neuroscience. For a time I thought this interest was leading me to medical school when I suddenly realized that my long-time yoga practice was merging with my interest in how the mind recovers and heals. These two parts of my life has been calling to one another, learning from each other, and informing one another.

Slow gratitude
Yoga gave me a way to begin to be grateful for trauma. It’s only recently that I realized this was even possible. I thought trauma was a thing to file away as deeply as possible. I thought the best I could hope for would be to forget it, bury it. Healing is not an easy task; it’s difficult and uncomfortable and painfully slow. With patience and time, everything is possible, even the healing that we think will never come. I’m learning that eventually, we really can be truly grateful for even our darkest moments because they are often the spark that leads to our brightest light.